Can't find what you are looking for ?

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Humour: Extracts from allegedly genuine GCSE exam answers which are doing the rounds on the internet

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah desert and
travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the
first book of the Bible, Guinnesses, Adam and Eve were
created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain,
asked "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they
made unleavened bread which is bread made without ingredients.
Moses went up on mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
He died before he reached Canada.

4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without
them we wouldn't have history .The Greeks also had myths.
A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another
man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died
from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career
took a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for
very long.

10.Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought
he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out
"Tee hee, Brutus."

11.Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects
by playing the fiddle to them.

12.Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by
Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man
should be hanged twice for the same offence.

13.In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems
and verses and also wrote literature.

14.Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through
an apple while standing on his son's head.

15.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a Queen she
was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops
they all shouted "hurrah".

16.It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh
is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and
started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
world with a 100 foot clipper.

17.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly
on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous
only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,
and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last
wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18.Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.

19.During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus
was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing
about the Atlantic. His ships were called the N1na, the
Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20.Later, the pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for
the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born.
Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21.One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists
won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates
from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand"
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22.Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23.Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.

24.Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25.Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable
in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26.Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had
a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died in 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer and so was
Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English.
He was very large.

27.Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took very long walks in the
forest even though everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28.The French Revolution was accomplished before it had happened
and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to
inherit his power, but since Josephine was a Baroness, she
couldn't have any children.

29.The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30.Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on the thorn
for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue.
Her death was the final event of her reign.

31.The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and
started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat
caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick
invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32.Lois Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33.The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals
of human history.

No comments: