Quickies

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store,
she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the
world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher.

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in
my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping
cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs..."

~~~~~~

My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and
organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she
felt a lot of pressure to get moving.

That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.

"I went to the bookstore," she explained. "And I bought a book on how to get
organized. I was all fired up, and I decided to clean out all the shelves in
the living room. While I was cleaning, I found the same darn book. I had
bought it a couple of years ago!"

~~~~~~

A man goes to the police station to talk to the burglar who had broken into
his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant, when he asked
what the man wanted.

"No, no, no!" says the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

~~~~~~

The elementary school teacher was trying impress upon the seventh-grade
history class how Native Americans must have felt when they first encountered the
Spanish explorers.

"How would you feel," said she, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who
looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?
Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date..."

~~~~~~

Captain Hook

A sailor met a pirate, and they started to talk about their adventures at
sea. The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and a eye patch.

The sailor asked, "So, tell me, how did you end up with the peg leg?

The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard
into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg
off."

"Wow!" exclaimed the sailor. "How did you get that hook?"

"Well," replies the pirate, "we boarded an enemy ship and were battling the
other sailors with swords. One of them cut off my hand."

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "So, how did you get the eye patch then?"

"A seagull 'dropping' fell into my eye," replies the pirate.

"What?! You lost your eye to a seagull 'dropping'?" the sailor asked in
surprise. "How?"

"Well... says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Whatever Helps You Get By

Seems this Catholic priest was feeling despondent over being posted to a dry, desert parish. He wrote letters to his bishop constantly, requesting that he be posted somewhere more hospitable. No reply to his letters ever came, and soon the letters stopped.

Some time later, when the archbishop was making the rounds of the rural churches, he stopped in to see how the unhappy priest was doing. He found a pleasant man, in an air-conditioned church. There were no parishioners, since the closest neighbors were many miles away. The archbishop admitted to some confusion, since the priest did not look like the desperate writer of so many letters. He asked the priest how he liked it out in the desert.

"At first I was unhappy. But thanks to two things I have grown to love it out here in the sparse desert."

"And they are?" the archbishop inquired.

"The first is my Rosary. Without my Rosary I wouldn't make it a day out here."

"And the second?"

At this the priest looked askance. "Well, to be honest, I have developed a taste for martinis in the afternoon. They help to alleviate the heat during the worst part of the day." He looked sheepish at this admission, but the archbishop just smiled.

"Martinis, eh? Well, that's not so bad. In fact, I'd be glad to share one with you right now, if you don't mind that is."

"Not at all!" the priest exulted. "Let me get one for you right away." Turning to the back of the church, the priest shouted, "Oh, Rosary..."

SUBTITLE for films

These are actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong

- I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

- Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep

- Gun wounds again ! Fall down stupid white person.

- Same old rules: no eyes, no groin, no kissing.

- A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries

- Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken wings!

- Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants

- Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

- Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

- You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken

- I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

- You daring lousy guy with bad breath.

- Beat him out of recognizable shape!

- I have been scared shitless too much lately.

- I got knife scars more than the number of your leg hair!

- Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected

- The bullets inside are very hot. Why do you feel so cold?

- How can you use my intestines as a gift?

- This will be of fine service for you, you bag of scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your man parts and leave them out on the dessert for your aunts to eat.

- Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.

- Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

- Our tong is bigger than your tong!

- No karate kicks be allowed on Shabbos.

Top 30 one-liners

1.Some of them are really that provoking, save it for a relaxed afternoon.

2.Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

3.Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

4.Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more(friendship or money)

5.Death is hereditary.

6.An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

7.Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

8.When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

9.Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

10.Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

11.Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.

12.Well done is better than well said.

13.Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

14.They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

15.I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

16.Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

17.I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.

18.Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go anywhere!

19.Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is away.

20.Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

21.I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

22.When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

23.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

24.If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

25.Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

26.I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

27.Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

28.For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

29.Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls.

30.Intelligence is not trying.

IN A BAR

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar-tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week."

He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.

"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me any- more!"

Movie Night

My brother and his wife were going out to see a movie. This was going to be
their first "date" in nearly a year, and they were leaving their
10-month-old son with me. I didn't have a whole lot of experience with kids,
so I was a little nervous.

"What do I do if he starts crying?" I asked my sister-in-law.

"It probably means he's just hungry," she replied. "Try feeding him some
vegetables, and that should do the trick."

She handed me the child and headed out the door with my brother. Right on
cue, my little nephew started bawling almost as soon as their car left the
driveway. So I figured I'd take her advice and give the vegetables a shot.

As it turns out, jalapeno is not his favorite.

Some bad puns about work

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

To make a mistake

Mistake:, to err, to cause an error or make a mess

If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...

If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident...

If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture...

If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation...

If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...

If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new
invention...

If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion...

If a teacher makes a mistake , It is a new theory...

If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake......

If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE"

He does

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and
marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what
marriage to my Mom would be like.

It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be
your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your
wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

I want to be geogeous

A bus carrying ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their Maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous." God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too!" Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, with everyone wishing to be good-looking. When God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy finally calms down and says, "Make 'em all ugly again."

Recipe: Apple Cheese Muffins

1 pkg. "JIFFY" Apple Cinnamon Muffin Mix
1 apple chopped, reserving 1/2 for topping
1/3 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1/3 cup quick oats
1/2 cup milk
2 Tbsp. oil
1 egg
Topping
1 Tbsp. sugar
1/4 tsp. cinnamon

Preheat oven to 400°, grease muffin pan.

Blend muffin mix, 1/2 of chopped apple, cheese, oats, milk, oil and egg together well. Spoon batter into prepared muffin cups. Combine topping ingredients and add 2nd half of chopped apple to the mixture. Spread mixture on top of batter Bake 18-20 minutes.

Quotes about different subjects

Mostly alcohol quotes:

1. I say NO to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Bur nt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

And my favourite ...

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

WEIGHT LIFTING

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."

"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?"

"They're not cheap either."

"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

Joke: Member of the Ku Klux Klan

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this Congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one that a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and
this Christian Family.'
No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke; 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

What a friend does

Jack tossed the papers on my desk -- his eyebrows knit into a straight
line as he glared at me.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He jabbed a finger at the proposal. "Next time you want to change
anything, ask me first," he said, turning on his heels and leaving me
stewing in anger.

How dare he treat me like that, I thought. I had changed one long
sentence, and corrected grammar -- something I thought I was paid to do.

It's not that I hadn't been warned. The other women, who had served in
my place before me, called him names I couldn't repeat. One co-worker
took me aside the first day. "He's personally responsible for two
different secretaries leaving the firm," she whispered.

As the weeks went by, I grew to despise Jack. It was against everything
I believed in -- turn the other cheek and love your enemies. But Jack
quickly slapped a verbal insult on any cheek turned his way. I prayed
about it, but to be honest, I wanted to put him in his place, not love him.

One day, another of his episodes left me in tears. I stormed into his
office, prepared to lose my job if needed, but not before I let the man
know how I felt. I opened the door and Jack glanced up.

"What?" he said abruptly.

Suddenly I knew what I had to do. After all, he deserved it.

I sat across from him. "Jack, the way you've been treating me is wrong.
I've never had anyone speak to me that way. As a professional, it's
wrong, and it's wrong for me to allow it to continue," I said. Jack
snickered nervously and leaned back in his chair. I closed my eyes
briefly. God help me, I prayed.

"I want to make you a promise. I will be a friend," I said. "I will
treat you as you deserve to be treated, with respect and kindness. You
deserve that," I said. "Everybody does." I slipped out of the chair and
closed the door behind me.

Jack avoided me the rest of the week. Proposals, specs, and letters
appeared on my desk while I was at lunch, and the corrected versions
were not seen again. I brought cookies to the office one day and left a
batch on Jack's desk. Another day I left a note. "Hope your day is going
great," it read.

Over the next few weeks, Jack reappeared. He was reserved, but there
were no other episodes. Co-workers cornered me in the break room.

"Guess you got to Jack," they said. "You must have told him off good." I
shook my head.

"Jack and I are becoming friends," I said in faith. I refused to talk
about him. Every time I saw Jack in the hall, I smiled at him. After
all, that's what friends do.

One year after our "talk", I discovered I had cancer. I was 32, the
mother of three beautiful young children, and scared. The cancer I had
were not great for long-term survival. After surgery, I visited with
friends and loved ones who tried to find the right words to say. No one
knew what to say. Many said the wrong things. Others wept, and I tried
to encourage them. I clung to hope.

One day, the door darkened in my small hospital room and Jack stood
awkwardly on the threshold. I waved him in with a smile and he walked
over to my bed and, without a word, placed a bundle beside me. Inside
lay several bulbs.

"Tulips," he said.

I smiled, not understanding.

He cleared his throat. "If you plant them when you get home, they'll
come up next spring." He shuffled his feet. "I just wanted you to know
that I think you'll be there to see them when they come up."

Tears clouded my eyes and I reached out my hand. "Thank you," I whispered.

Jack grasped my hand and gruffly replied, "You're welcome. You can't see
it now, but next spring you'll see the colors I picked out for you." He
turned and left without a word.

I have seen those red and white striped tulips push through the soil
every spring for over ten years now. In fact, this past September the
doctor declared me cured. I've seen my children graduate from high
school and enter college. I've celebrated twenty-two years of marriage
with my husband.

In a moment when I prayed for just the right word, a man with very few
words said all the right things.

After all, that's what friends do.

Replacement Glass

At the end of a particularly severe winter, we removed the protective covers from our cabin cruiser and found that the weight of the snow had broken the windshield. I drove to the local glass shop, where I paid $110 for a replacement.

The owner asked if I'd like them to install it, but I said I could handle it myself.

I managed to climb up the ladder to the deck before dropping the glass. Sheepishly I returned to the shop. The owner showed no emotion as he cut the second glass.

When I saw another $110 charge, I said, "I thought I might get a break on the second piece of glass."

"I did give you a break," he replied.

"How so?" I asked.

"I didn't laugh, did I?" he answered.

Quickies

I wanted a haircut and phoned a salon early for an appointment but was told customers were taken on a walk-in basis only.

On Saturday I got there by 9 a.m and there were already ten people waiting. I drove to another salon, but it was booked solid. Still another had no openings. The situation seemed hopeless, so I went home.

My husband greeted me at the door. "That was fast," he said cheerfully. "Your hair looks great!"

______________________________

The cell phone people say there's absolutely no danger from cell phone transmissions.

Boy! It didn't take those tobacco executives long to find new jobs, did it?

______________________________


I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor - I was needy.

Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy - I was deprived.

Then they told me that underprivileged was overused - I was disadvantaged.

I still don't have a dime, but I have a great vocabulary!

______________________________

Teacher: If you had $1.00 and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Little Johnny: "I would have $1.00."

Teacher: "You don't know your arithmetic!"

Little Johnny: "You don't know my father!"

Aunt Emma

A couple's happily married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in their household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.

Eventually, the old girl passed away.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confesses to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much , I don't think I would of have put up with having your Aunt Emma in our house all those years!"

His wife looked at him aghast. "Huh? My Aunt Emma!?" she cried. "I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!"

Freezing in the cold

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I a polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I really a polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I gotta know, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing!"

Recipe: Traditional Christmas Cake

Makes 30 servings.
Total time: 4 hours 45 minutes, plus cooling time.

2 sticks plus 2 tablespoons (9 ounces total) butter at room temperature
1 1/2 cups dark brown sugar
4 eggs
3 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground allspice
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1 1/2 cups each currants, golden raisins, dark raisins
1 1/3 cups soft dried figs, chopped
1 1/4 cups dates, pitted and chopped
1 cup chopped stoned dried prunes
1 3/4 cups chopped dried apricots
3/4 cup blanched almonds, chopped
2/3 cup plus 4 tablespoons brandy
2 teaspoons instant espresso, mixed with 1 tablespoon water

This rich cake can be made at the last minute before Christmas--it doesn't need to mature, although it keeps well, too.

Step 1:
Preheat the oven to 300°F. Grease a round 9- or 10-inch cake pan, and line bottom and sides with several layers of waxed paper.

Step 2:
In a large bowl, with an electric mixer on high, beat the butter and sugar until thick and creamy. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Sift together the flour, salt, and spices, then fold into the creamed mixture. Add the fruit, almonds, 2/3 cup brandy, and espresso, folding in well.
Step 3:

Spoon the mixture into the prepared pan, leveling the surface. Place the pan in the center of the oven and bake for 30 minutes. Reduce the temperature to 275°F and bake for 3 1/2 hours longer or until a tester inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean.

Step 4:
Remove the pan from the oven, cover with first a kitchen towel and then a thick bath towel so that the cake will cool slowly.

Step 5:
When the cake is cool, prick the top with a skewer and drizzle with the extra brandy. Wrap in waxed paper and store in an airtight container. Keep in a cool place for up to 3 months.

General stuff

Some of CONFUSING ENGLISH make me headache, would u help me?

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking
lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Human ??

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this??

Great Photos: Visions of earth

I am a sucker for some great photos of our earth, and the various flora and fauna that inhabit the earth. So, when I found a link of beautiful photos on the National Geographic site, I looked at the photos that I found over there, and they sure looked good.
Here is the link for this site.

Organized

My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana.

She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always
types up address labels for her postcards.

This time, I figured I'd done her one better.

I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes
to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."

My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those
little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"

Finding more chickens

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of
chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the
box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy
walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and
returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home,
expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed
to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Machine to share pain

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch

The cursed prince

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own
was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the
Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up
the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the
following year he was allowed to speak two words.(This was before the
time of letter writing or sign language.)One day he met a beautiful
princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in
love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from
speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my
darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that
he loved her.
Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing
the total number of silent years to 5).But at the end of these five
years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited
ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of
silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to
the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden
the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her,
and taking her hand in his, said huskily,"My darling,I love you! Will
you marry me?"And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind
a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her
ruby lips, said:

......Well, guess what she said ..........

...........well, she said..............

"Pardon?"

College Professor

The Old Professor asked his college class a question.

"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angeles is 2000 miles from Chicago and the Moon is 239,000 miles from Earth, how old am I?"

Pauly in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said, "Professor you're 60."

The Professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

Pauly replied, "You see, I have a brother; he's 30, and he's half nuts."

Exhaustive list of web browsers

Most people have heard of the following Browsers - Internet Explore, and Firefox, and recently, Google Chrome. A few others have heard of Opera, and some others. However, there are many others browsers available to download nowadays; some of them are just shells built on top of Internet Explorer, others are text browsers, or those built for different platforms such as the mobile phones. Here is a comprehensive Wikipedia link for browsers.
An example from the site:

Browsers for the Java platform

* Bitstream ThunderHawk
* HotJava (discontinued)
* Lobo
* Opera Mini
* X-Smiles (experimental)

Site for menstrual cramps

Menstrual cramps are a major pain area for many women. A lot of them believe that there is nothing that can be done to reduce the effect / impact of these cramps. However, here is a website that promises to provide natural remedies to reduce the effects of menstrual cramp. Link to the website.
An example of a remedy from the site:
Treat menstrual cramps using a heat pack - I have always suffered from severe menstrual cramps all my life. I have tried all the medication available over the counter and none work as good as the good old heat pack remedy. Either purchase a heat pack or make a square bag out of two pieces of material sewn together and put a heap of rice in it then sew the end up. You can put this heat pack in the microwave to heat it then simply place it on your abdomen. It works wonders, believe me.

There are more such remedies on the site.

Natural remedies for migraine

Migraine is an affliction that can cause a person severe pain. The pain in the head can incapacitate a person totally, preventing them from working when the pain is happening. Migraine is also something that afflicts a large number of people.
There are some natural remedies for migraine, and here is a website that promises to help (link), (link2)

Many migraine sufferers have turned to natural treatments once the cause has been determined. If stress is the culprit, you may find meditation or self-hypnosis an invaluable aid in relieving tension. If you suffer on a monthly basis because of menstruation or another hormone instability, herbal supplements formulated specifically for PMS symptoms will be beneficial. Some foods like Chocolate, Cheese, Nuts or any food containing MSG may cause a headache and therefore should be avoided. But until you have tried to narrow down the causes you may find your migraine or headache keeps coming back.

Recipe: Grain & Cheese Burger

Yield: 4 Servings

1 1/2 c mushrooms,chopped
1/2 c green onions,chopped
1 T margarine
1/2 c rolled oats,regular
1/2 c brown rice,cooked
2/3 c shredded cheese,mozzarella
1 or cheddar
3 T walnuts,chopped
3 T cottage (or ricotta cheese)
1 low fat
2 lg eggs
2 T parsley,chopped
1 salt,pepper
1 buns,mayo, tomato, lettuce

In a 10 to 12 inch nonstick frying pan over medium heat, cook mushrooms and green onions in margarine until vegetables are limp, about 6 minutes. Add oats and stir for 2 minutes. Remove from heat, let cool slightly, then stir in cooked rice, cheese, walnuts, cottage cheese, eggs, and parsley. Add salt and pepper to taste. On an oiled 12X15 inch baking sheet shape into 4 patties, each 1/2 inch thick.
Grill 3 inches from heat, turning once, 6 to 7 minutes total. Serve on bread with mayo, onion rings, and lettuce.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on satellite, no video tape movies, no DVD's surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents .

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and found the worms didn't live in us forever

We were given air guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it could happen, we didn't poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! All school games had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

If we were bad we got spanked and learned right from wrong and no 'do gooders' interfered.

These generations produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them..CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot at your age

GOLF TIDBITS

* In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

* The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

* Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

* Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

* The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

* There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

* Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

* Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

* Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

* There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

* Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

BEGGARS

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite,"

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!

Joke: Preparing a documentary

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of a tribe in Africa. While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.

So she asked a man who only had one feather in his headdress, his reply was: "Me only have one woman. One woman ... one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another man.

This man had two feathers in his headdress and he replied, "Me have two women. Two women ... two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, need less to say amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, me fuck' em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me fuck`em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said, "You damn right me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don`t have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me fuck' em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said, "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

FACE THE MUSIC

A man is walking around the streets of the city one day when he spies an old friend of his from college.

"George!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," George replies. "I am the Clarinet player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular! " the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the Tuba with gold and they fill the Saxophone with gold, and me with the fuckin Clarinet."

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the Tuba with silver and they fill the Saxophone with silver, and me with the fuckin Clarinet.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the Saxophone doesn't fit. And me with the Fucking Clarinet!"

25 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Woman

Surely a man wrote this ..

1. Working / Earning not mandatory.

2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.

3. We don't have to bother on mobile bills.

4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.

5. We don't have to stand in the queue to get tickets.

6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.

7. We don't have to worry about the purse when we shop with men.

8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.

9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.

10. Men take us on all expense paid trips

11. We always get place to sit when using public transport.

12. Easy to get a ride.

13. Men hold the door open for us.

14. Jewels looks good on us.

15. We lie better.

16. We're better manipulators.

17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.

18. We always have food in the fridge.

19. We don't worry about losing our hair.

20. We always get to choose the movie.

21. We don't have to mow the lawn.

22. We don't have to take out the garbage.

23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.

24. If we need to our boyfriends just a missed call is enough.

25. We can easily show our disappointments or disapprovals

If accepted initially ..

O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen O'Riley.

He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him.

Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.

On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage, O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls did."

"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said.

"That's how I lost all of my other suitors."

MILITARY WISDOM

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
-U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen. Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

Home Tips

To shine patent leather shoes or handbags, rub with unbeaten egg white. Allow it to dry, then polish with a soft cloth.
Got a mark on your bath (ceramic or plastic), try putting a small lump of toothpaste on to your finger and rubbing the mark gently with it. Wipe clean with a damp cloth. You will be amazed as to what you can clean up with a bit of toothpaste.
If an aluminium pan has become discolored, boil some apple peel in it for a few minutes, then rinse and dry.
Keep your fingernails clean while doing a dirty job by first running them all across a bar of soap so there is a scraping beneath each of your nails.
Crushed egg shells and water make an excellent scourer for vases.
After you've dyed a pair of shoes, give the heels a coat of clear nail varnish. It prevents the new color scraping off.
Avoid splashing curtains when washing the windows by folding them on a coat hanger and hanging it from the pole or runner.
Prevent streaks when cleaning glass surfaces by using scrunched up newspaper for the final wipe.
Use a little fabric conditioner in warm water to clean glass topped tables, TV screens or stereo lids, then rub dry. This prevents dust settling on the surface.
Reduce condensation in the bathroom by running cold water into the bath first.

Husband and wife jokes

Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

*********

Husband & Wife - Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,

"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."

*********

Husband & Wife - No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."

One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

*********

Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.

"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

*********

Husband & Wife - Problem Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied,

"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet

Tips for grilling

Know the difference between direct grilling and indirect grilling. In direct grilling, you cook the food directly over a hot fire. In indirect grilling, you cook the food at lower heat next to, not over, the fire.

For old-time smokehouse flavor, use hardwood chips, such as hickory or oak. First, soak the chips in apple cider, beer or water to slow the burn rate. If using charcoal, toss the drained chips on the coals. On a gas grill, use your smoker box or wrap the chips in foil, poke holes in the top, and place the foil package under the grate directly over a burner.

Apply barbecue sauce toward the end of cooking. If you put it on at the start, the sugar in the sauce will burn.

Soak bamboo skewers in water for 1 hour to slow the burn rate.

A Wise School Teacher

A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school,
I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

What The Teacher Says and What He or She Really Means

Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his
classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high
expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new
territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).

20 Parking Rules

It's almost that time of the year again -- the Holiday Shopping Season. So, for the dingbats out there, here's your list of parking rules. For the non-dingbats, be aware that the dingbats will be out in full-force, and here are their rules:
Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule No. 3: In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule No. 4: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull through and take it from him.
Rule No. 5: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.
Rule No. 6: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule No. 7: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule No. 8: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.
Rule No. 9: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule No. 10: If you have handicapped license plates, use up a regular parking spot.
Rule No. 11: If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy," and park somewhere else.
Rule No. 12: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule No. 13: When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule No. 14: When driving through a parking lot with alternating one- way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule No. 15: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule No. 16: Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule No. 17: If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
Rule No. 18: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule No. 19: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
Rule No. 20: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again

Pain in the groin

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip,snip,snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it... What did you do?"
The Doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots"

Athletes Foot cure? - No harm in trying

I suffered with severe athletes foot for years before heeding the advice of my dad. The soles of my feet were covered with a thick layer of fungus and blisters would appear on my heels and between my toes. I tried everything possible from home remedies to drugs. My dad told me how to cure it and I have not had the problem in at
least 10 years.
Put on pure cotton socks. Use canvas shoes that are about ready for the trash can or can be discarded if they fall apart after the treatment. Put on the socks and shoes and pour regular isprophyl alcohol into each shoe to saturate the socks and shoes.
Keep these shoes on all day, preferably outside while working. Remove the shoes and socks at night and take a shower or bath to clean them thoroughly. That's it. You will notice nothing for at least a week or maybe more. Finally, your feel will peel tremendously and your feet will be a smooth and pink as when you were a kid.
My dad tells me that the alcohol soaks through the first layer of skin that is infected with the fungus and effectively kills it from underneath the tough outer layer of skin of which a topical ointment is hard to penetrate. The peeling is a result of the killed fungus letting go of the skin.
There might be a slight warmth on your feet when you put the alcohol on, but it does not burn or blister. It does not effect the non-fungus areas of your feet,only the infected areas.
I usually do this treatment about once a year in the summer, but I have not had to do it for couple of years now. I believe this because it did work for me. I told my Dermatologist about this and told him if he had any patients with this problem that I could cure it for the cost of a pint of rubbing alcohol!

POST OFFICE

A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job.

The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day. He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"

The young man smiled proudly and said, "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses."

Leaving the children at home

A couple had recently purchased the DVD from a movie that they and their best friends, Tom and Carol, had really wanted to see in the theater. Unfortunately, they had all missed it. So they invited the friends over to watch it.

Since Tom's mother (92 years old) lived with them, and being a bit leery of leaving her home alone, they brought her along. And so, after exchanging greetings, they put the DVD in the player and settled back to enjoy the movie.

It had been a long day/week for Tom, however, and they noticed that Tom kept nodding off. As his head dropped lower, it finally startled him awake.

He shook it off the first few times, but eventually turned to Carol and told her wife it was time to leave, as his mother must be getting tired.

Grandma was indignant! She rapped him on the head, playfully, and pointed out to him who was REALLY tired.

Then she looked to their hosts and said, "My dears, next time you invite me, I'll be sure to leave the children at home."