Funny: Some jokes

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better..

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Funny: Some jokes

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give him more just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

--------------------

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.

But being cautious, he hired a private detective (without letting the detective know who had hired him) for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men.

After a few days, the politician at last received his detective's report, which went like this:

"Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear, her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to my sources, for the last couple of months she's been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."

----------------------

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!" 

Humor: What is gold worth ?

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you,"

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter, seeing the suitcase, says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!?!"

Funny: Some jokes

MORE POINTS TO PONDER

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why do you have to "put your tupence in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come the Americans choose from just two people for their President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Funny: Some jokes

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it is my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

--------------------------

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

-----------------------

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to
discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

Humor: THE PERKS OF GETTING OLD

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

You can't remember who sent you this list.

Humor: Some good questions

Is atheism a non-prophet organisation?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still
wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp"; to have an "S" in it?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole aeroplane made out of that stuff?

Funny: Some jokes

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

-------------------

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,

" Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'. "

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

( I love this )

"Get your own dirt."

Funny: Some jokes

A saleswoman is driving through an Indian reservation toward home when she sees an Indian woman thumbing for a ride on the side of the road.

As the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Indian woman gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat.

"What's in the bag?" asks the Indian woman.

"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband," says the saleswoman.

The Indian lady is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade".

---------------------

My neighbour was bitten by a stray rabid dog.

I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about writing a will.

He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite!"

----------------------

T-SHIRT SLOGANS

"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"

"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"

"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"

"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on."

"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory."

Funny: The Romantic Husband

Husband and wife are in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."

Funny: Cuckoo Clock

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was
2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized that she'd probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, "Twelve." She didn't seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

"Why is that?" he asked.

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

Funny: Some jokes

How long have you been driving without a tail light, mam?" the
policeman asked Cathy, a blonde.

Cathy jumped out, ran to the rear of her car, and gave a low moan.

Her distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on her a bit.

"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't
that serious."

"It isn't?" cried Cathy. "What happened to my husband's boat and trailer?


------------------------

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was
meeting with considerable sales resistance.

"Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.

"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding
around on a cow."

"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as I'd look trying
to milk a bicycle!"

-------------------------

While hiking in the countryside, my friend Eve and I spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered a large basketful and sautéed them that night. My husband Phil refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous.

Two weeks later, Eve and I gathered some more mushrooms. This time, Phil joined us.

"How is it that you're eating these mushrooms tonight," I asked, "when you wouldn't touch the ones we brought home 2 weeks ago? "What changed your mind?"

"I thought about it," Phil explained seriously, "and I figured it would be better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in my home."

Joke: Three men died and went to hell

When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and
he replied "I have a drinking problem." so the devil puts him in a
room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door.

He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there the guy then says, "I can't
stop cheating on my wife." The devil then puts him in a room with the
hottest girl ever and locks the door.

Then he asks the last guy why he was there he reply "I'm a pot
smoker." So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot.

In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door
and the guy comes out and says," I will never drink again!" so the
devil sends him to heaven.

He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says"
I will never look at another woman again!" so the devil sends him to heaven.

Finally he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there
is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face.

When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, "Hey man you got a light??"

Joke: Fairies may not be so helpful after all

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding  anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being  loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you eac h a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen  Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but  an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. :)


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female..... 

Joke: The best dog

The Indians and Pakistanis at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Pakistanis found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.


When the day came for the dog fight, the Indians showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Indians because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Pakistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Pakistani dog. The Pakistani dog snarled and leaped out
of it's cage and charged the Indian dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Pakistani dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Pakistani dog.

The Pakistanis came up to the Indians shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."


"That's nothing", an Indian replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Funny: Some jokes

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

----------------------

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

-----------------------

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, Idon't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

---------------------------

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works ! "

-----------------------

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde

----------------------

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

Joke: Favorite Animal

My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken".

 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.

 

My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.  He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

 

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

 

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

 

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her "Colonel Sanders". She sent me to the principal's office again.

 

This school stuff is really confusing.  

Funny: Some jokes

A friend of mine was having a bit of marital tension in his household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it.

In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."

My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"

--------------------

On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to order a quart of potato salad.

"We don't sell it by the quart," the salesman snapped.

"Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied.

I'm proud to say that I held my tongue when she asked, "Do you want it in one container?"

-----------------

Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?" Then I dropped out of the race.

---------------------

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, the young daughter said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look and yelled, "How dare you talk about your father like that!"

Humor: Habits don't change

Are You Here?

Yakov was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had  gathered around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked, "Mama... you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Sammy... you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Isadore... you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Rosalie... you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Rachel... you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

With his face purple with rage, struggling to his elbows, the old  man shouted, "So who's watching the store?"

Humor: Laws Of Parenting

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits... it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

Funny: Some jokes

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.

When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 4:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans.

"That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8.

Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

----------------------

A rabbit and a snake were both injured in a California earthquake.

The impact caused both to become blind and to lose their memories.

In an attempt to find out who they each were, they decided to feel each other.

First, the snake felt the rabbit.

"Well, you are fuzzy and warm. You have a round cottony tail and two long ears."

"Hooray!" exclaimed the rabbit, "I must be a bunny."

Next the blind rabbit felt the snake.

He was thoughtful for a moment. "Let's see--you are long, cold and slimy and you have a little forked tongue."

The snake wailed, "Oh no! I must be a politician."

---------------------

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." Said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w-want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read
it t-t-t-t-to you?"

Funny: Some jokes

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

---------------------------

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks good for his age'!"

-------------------------

Last October, after much deliberation, I bought a magnolia tree from our local nursery. After only a few weeks I noticed that the leaves had started to shrivel and the tree appeared to be on its last legs in spite of my tender care.

So I took some leaf samples and marched back to the nursery to demand an explanation or get my money back.

"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.

"Good!" I exclaimed. "What's it suffering from?"

You can imagine how stupid I felt when he simply said, "Autumn."

Funny: Some jokes

Every day, Mr. Koch has to cross the river by ferry in order to get to work.

Waking up late one morning, he dressed quickly, ran out the door and raced to the dock. The boat was several yards away, and stepping back and taking a mighty leap, Mr. Koch landed with a crash on the deck.

"Made it!" he cried triumphantly.

"So?" said one of the passengers, "What was the rush? The boat is coming in."

----------------------------

DOWN in redneck country, Bubba attends a church revival meeting and joins in the singing, clapping and dancing with great enthusiasm. The preacher raises his arms in the air and calls for people in the congregation to come forward if they are in need of a special prayer. "Don't be shy, come forward and all the brothers and sisters will pray for you. The power of our love can move mountains." A queue forms and the preacher begins the laying-on of hands and loud exhortations. Bubba waits patiently and when it's finally his turn, the preacher says: "Welcome my son, the Lord is with you. What would you like me to pray about for you?" Bubba replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Bubba's head and prays long and loud. The congregation shouts its approval. After a few minutes the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks: "Bubba how is your hearing now?" Bubba says: "I don't know, preacher, it ain't until next Thursday."

-------------------------

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger." 

Story: A beautiful day

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: 'I am blind, please help.'

There were only a few coins in the hat. A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words.

He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, 'Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?'

The man said, 'I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.' What he had written was: 'Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it.'

Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?

Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have.
Be creative...
Be innovative...
Think differently and positively.

Invite others towards good with wisdom. Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence.. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

Great men say, 'Life has to be an incessant process of repair and reconstruction, of discarding evil and developing goodness.... In the journey of life, if you want to travel without fear, you must have the ticket of a good conscience.'

The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling...
And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it!!! 

Joke: What to do ?

I just wanted you to know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes...

I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. Okay, I'm going to do the laundry. BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper.

After that, I notice the mail on the table. Okay, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack. BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail to see if there are any bills to be paid.

Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops, there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook. BUT FIRST, I need to put the glass in the sink.

I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away. BUT FIRST, I need to water those plants.

I head for the door and... Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants. BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I know I was busy ALL day!

I realize this condition is serious. I'd get help. BUT FIRST, I think I'll check my e-mail.

Joke: Selling on the beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly
shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife ............................

"Yes" he replied.

"Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."

Funny: Office quotes

Quote from a recent meeting: 'We are going to continue having these  meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done'.

Quote from the Boss... 'I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.'

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss: 'We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.'

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me ' What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.'

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: ' I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!'

HR Manager to job candidate 'I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions.

'Quote from telephone inquiry 'We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.'

Joke: The parrot and the plumber

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't
happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

Funny: Some jokes

A manager is told by his doctor that he has to take on some sport so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.

"It's going fine", the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: "To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"

"Really? What happens then?" the girl asks all enthusiastic.

"Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"


---------------------

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next little Lucy offers to tell her story Lucy, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Finally it's Little Johnny's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed holding only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. And, on the way down he drank the case of beer."

"Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he whipped out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he had to kill the last ten men with his bare hands."

The teacher stares at Johnny her jaw frozen in shock. Finally she stammers "Is there possibly some moral to this story , Johnny"?

"Sure" Johnny replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's swallowed a case of beer."

Funny: Adult questions and answer

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer, give yourself two points, for every incorrect answer deduct two points. Answer at bottom of page. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score less than 14 points and are male...send address and photos! You may begin ... now!

CLUES
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in, I can produce pain. I cause you to spit, and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You like to blow me. 

10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.

11. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

13. My business is done in briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.

ANSWERS
1. Nose
2. Peanut Butter
3. A Crane
4. The Titanic
5. A Tent
6. A Dentist
7. A Wedding Ring
8. An Elevator
9. Chewing Gum
10. News Paper Boy
11. A Glove
12. An Arrow
13. An Attorney

Humor: Doctor and cryptic comments

THE doctor purses his lips, looks at you pityingly over his half-moon spectacles and quietly writes something on his clipboard, something short, sharp and authoritative. He turns away to answer the phone and you seize the diversion to sneak a look at your case notes. He has written: "Plumbum oscillans."

What disease can this be? It sounds contagious... maybe even fatal... Is it time to phone friends and family and say farewell? Is your will up to date?

Relax.

Plumbum oscillans is no threat to health - it is Latin for "swinging the lead," and it is the doctor's discreet way of concluding that you are a malingerer, someone seeking a sick note to take time off work.

These and other terms are part of a secret language, indecipherable to outsiders, that doctors use with each other to convey a truth that is otherwise unsayable, especially to the patient.

The slang can be cruel, insulting and highly inventive, says Adam Fox, a specialist registrar at the Child Allergy Unit at St. Mary's Hospital in London, who has put together a dictionary of the terms.

They include British emergency-room acronyms such as UBI (for "Unexplained Beer Injury"), PAFO ("Pissed And Fell Over") and ATFO ("Asked To F... Off"), not to mention Code Brown, referring to a faecal incontinence emergency.

Then there is DBI, for "Dirtbag Index." This is a formula which multiplies the number of tattoos on the patient's body by the number of missing teeth to estimate the total of days he has gone without a bath.

Relatives of patients on the critical list may blanche if they knew what CTD, GPO or Rule of Five mean on their loved-one's records.

The first means "Circling The Drain," the second signifies "Good for Parts Only" and "Rule of Five" means that if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance.

A patient who is "giving the O-sign" is very sick, lying with his mouth open. This is followed by the "Q-sign" -- when the tongue hangs out of the mouth -- when the patient becomes terminal.

General practitioners may use LOBNH ("Lights On But Nobody Home") or the impressively bogus Oligoneuronal to mean someone who is thick.

But they also have a somewhat poetic option: "Pumpkin positive", referring to the idea that the person's brain is so tiny that a penlight shone into his mouth will make his empty head gleam like a Halloween pumpkin.

If a doctor is stumped for what is wrong with his or her patient, they may record GOK, for "God Only Knows."

As for genetic quirks or inbreeding, FLK means "Funny Looking Kid" and NFN signifies "Normal For Norfolk," a rural English county.

Fox says he has a list of more than 200 terms used by medical practitioners in Britain but his collection shows that doctors around the world make up their own versions.

In Brazil, for instance, physicians use the acronym PIMBA for what can be translated as "swollen-footed, drunk, run-over beggar."

Fox agrees that some terms are offensive and even cause confusion to other doctors who are not in the know.

But he asks at least for critics to understand the stress that doctors face every day. And in any case, the colourful language is under threat of dying out because of fears of lawsuits.

"The use of medical slang helps to depersonalise the distress encountered in doctors' everyway working lives," Fox told the British Medical Journal (BMJ) last year.

"It is a way of detaching and distancing oneself from patients' distress through loss, grief, disease, dying and death. Often someone else's pain is too much for us, so we cut up..."

Funny: Some jokes

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada.

The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery.

Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by.

"Och, whut's thaaat?" he said.

His Canadian friend looked out and said, "Oh, that's a moose."

"Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are your cats aroond here?"


----------------------

Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal.

"Hey there's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?"

"Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen, "but we poached them out of the river."

"How did you do that?" asked Donal

"Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them."

"We'll try that Michael me boy." says Donal

They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs, after about twenty minutes Michael screams...

"Quick pull me up, pull me up!"

"Have you got a salmon?" asks Donal,

"No," replies Michael "but there's a train coming."

Funny: Some jokes

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

 

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." when his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

 

"Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."

 

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

 

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

 

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart', and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"

------------------------

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and give you a
certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!" "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service." "Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's
certainly worth a point."

"One point? I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says. "Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

Funny: Some jokes

I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and her three-year-old brother, Neil.

While Chris was clearly molding a crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit more challenging.

"It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it."

Sometime later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.

"What happened to this animal?" I asked.

Neil shrugged and said simply, "Same truck."

-------------------

A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist.

After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.

The patient responded, "Don't be ridiculous, the attack lasted only 6 hours!"

-----------------

I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and her three-year-old brother, Neil.

While Chris was clearly molding a crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit more challenging.

"It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it."

Sometime later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.

"What happened to this animal?" I asked.

Neil shrugged and said simply, "Same truck."

Joke: The license

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

Funny: Some jokes

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

------------------

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

"That bitch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

----------------------

I'm thinking about getting married. I looked up the word "engaged" in the dictionary.

It said, "To do battle with the enemy."

Then I looked up mother-in-law. It said, "See engaged."

-----------------------