Two stories

STORY NUMBER ONE

Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.
Capone had a lawyer nicknamed 'Easy Eddie.' He was his lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time. To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but also, Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.
Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him. Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.
One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done. He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al 'Scarface' Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity.
To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great! So, he testified, and soon Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine The poem read:

The clock of life is wound but once,
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will stop
At late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own.
Live, love, toil with a will.
Place no faith in time.
For the clock may
soon be still.


STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare. O'Hare's most famous flight occurred during the Pacific War on 20 February 1942. Lt. O'Hare was the only U.S. Navy fighter pilot available in the air when Japanese bombers were attacking his aircraft carrier Lexington.
At 1700, the Lexington's radar picked up a second formation of Bettys only 12 miles out, on the [8]disengaged side of the task force, completely unopposed. The carrier had only two Wildcats left to confront the intruders: Butch and his wingman "Duff" Dufilho. As the Lexington’s only protection, they raced eastward and arrived 1,500 feet above eight attacking Bettys nine miles out. Dufilho’s guns were jammed and wouldn’t fire, leaving only O'Hare to protect the carrier. The enemy formation was a V of Vs flying very close together and using their rear facing guns for mutual protection. O'Hare's Wildcat, armed with four 50-caliber guns, with 450 rounds per gun, had enough ammunition for about 34 seconds of firing.
O'Hare's initial maneuver was a high-side diving attack employing accurate deflection shooting. He accurately placed bursts of gunfire into a Betty's wing fuel tanks; when the stricken craft on the right side of the formation abruptly lurched to starboard, he ducked to the other side of the V formation and aimed at the enemy bomber on the extreme left. When he made his third and fourth firing passes, the Japanese planes were close enough to the American ships for them to fire their anti-aircraft guns. O'Hare's hits were so concentrated, the nacelle of a Betty literally jumped out of its mountings, after O'Hare blew up the Betty's port engine. O'Hare managed to shoot down five bombers, and damage a sixth. The three survivors managed to drop their ordnance, but all three bombs missed. Lieutenant Commander Thach arrived at the scene with other pilots of the flight, later reporting that at one point he saw three of the enemy bombers falling in flames at the same time.
With his ammunition expended, O'Hare returned to his carrier, and was fired on accidentally but with no effect by a .50-caliber machine gun from the Lexington. O'Hare's fighter had, in fact, been hit by only one bullet during his flight, the single bullet hole in F-15's port wing disabling the airspeed indicator. According to Thach, Butch then approached the gun platform to calmly say to the embarrassed anti-aircraft gunner who had fired at him, "Son, if you don't stop shooting at me when I've got my wheels down, I'm going to have to report you to the gunnery officer."
This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Medal of Honor.
A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29.
His home town would not allow the memory of this WW - II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.
So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.
SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?


....Butch O'Hare was 'Easy Eddie's' son....

Jokes

1. A film crew was on location deep in the desert.
One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director.
He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."


2. It was after 3 a.m. in the fancy restaurant, and all the guests but one had gone home. The last guest was sleeping at his table.
The cleaning lady, irritated that she was delayed in doing her job, turned to the restaurant owner. "I've seen you shake the old fool and wake him up five times," she
said. "Why don't you make him go home?"
"Nothing doing," answered the owner cheerfully. "Every time I wake him up, he asks for his bill and pays it!"


3. Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."



4. A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers:
"Put that lousy cat on the phone. I'm lost, and I need directions!"

Jokes

1. Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find someone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" "Listen," his friend suggested, "why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ol' mother?"
Many weeks passed before Manny and his friend got together again. "So, Manny, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?" Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her and they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So... are you and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My father can't stand her!"


2. A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...
"Now she knows."


3. Little Johnny went to the doctor to get a vaccination. After the shot, the doc pulled out a Band-Aid and started to cover the spot on his arm. Johnny asked him to put it on the other arm.
The doctor said, "I put the Band-Aid over where you got the shot to let others know that it's tender and they shouldn't touch it. Why do you want it on the other arm?"
Johnny answered, "You really don't know much about little boys, do you?"


4. Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the troubles they were having in their apartment building where they lived. The women still were arguing bitterly when they entered the courtroom.
The judge, banging his gavel to try to quiet them down said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once! I'll hear the oldest person first."
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony...

What Doctors Say & What They Really Mean

What Doctors Say & What They Really Mean

"This should be taken care of right away."
- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Wellll, what do we have here...?"
- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time. - or-
- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
- He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
- I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
- Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
- You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split the fees with me...

"There is a lot of that going around."
- My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

Jokes

1. One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."


2. A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Scars

Scars Definition
Scars are marks left on the skin after surface injury or wound, it is the body's response of healing.
Scars are tissues that replace the normal skin after destruction of some dermis; it is a natural part of healing process. There are different degrees of scars depending on the depth and size of the wound, age, gender, genetics and ethnic.

Home Remedies for Scars (How to Cure Scars with Natural Treatments)
Smear Vitamin E Oil Caplets on the scarred area.
Smear some tea tree oil on the scar to help it heal faster.
Put 1-2 drops of lavender essential oil on a cotton ball and apply on scar.
Blanch green tea, soak a cotton ball and apply on the scar to help it heal.
Mix Aloe Vera and vitamin E gel caplets and apply to the scar.
Rub honey on the scar as often as you can to make it heal.
Smear any oil on the scar and massage to help it heal.
Rub some olive oil on scars 2-3 times a day.

For acne scars:
Mix 1 tablespoon of sour cream ( 0% fat for oily face), 1 tablespoon of yogurt, 1 tablespoon of grind oatmeal and 3-4 drops of lemon juice. Apply on face, leave for 10 minutes and wash off.

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Getting turned off freebies because of spam ?

Getting turned off freebies because of spam ?

What I Do suggest is-

1. sign up for a free email account and use this when you send for freebies. There are times when you do actually need to confirm a request- so it needs to be an account that you can check at least once a week.

2. get a Free phone number (you can use a company like K7.net ) and it will simply send you an email - (to your free email account) whenever anyone calls and leaves you a msg.

3. If you want to fill in lots of freebie offers, then I would recommend a program called roboform, which fills in all your information in 1 single click of a button. It works great.

Next- make sure you know the difference between true freebies - affiliate link freebies and how to tell if the site is a spam site or an actual site.

Outlook 2003 automatically displays error messages

Outlook 2003 automatically displays error messages from the system tray when connectivity issues are detected. Unfortunately, when using mail servers off-site, these balloon tip error messages tend to appear excessively, even when there are actually no problems.

You can stop these messages with a couple quick registry fixes:

1. Go to Start > Run and type regedit.
2. Navigate to HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Office\11.0\Outlook\Display Types\Balloons
3. Create 3 DWORD values named “Exchange”, “NetConn”, and “NetWarn”, all with the value of 0.
4. Close outlook and open it up again.

If done correctly, balloon tip error messages will no longer pop up.

Jokes

1. There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket, which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."


2. A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."
"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.
"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"
"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.
"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you ...."


3. A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horny and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"



4. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Recipe: Valentine's Day Saltines with Chocolate Nuts

Valentine's Day Saltines with Chocolate Nuts
Categories: Candies, Chocolate

40 Saltines
1 c Butter; don't use margarine
1 c LIGHT brown sugar; not dark
12 oz Chocolate chips
1 c Nuts; chopped, YOUR choice

Line up the saltines on a foil-lined jelly roll pan that has been lined with foil that makes a bigger rim than the pan. There should be 5 rows of 8.
Melt butter and sugar. Stir often and bring to a full rolling boil for 3 minutes.
Pour over saltines and bake in a 400 oven for 5 minutes.
Sprinkle with chocolate chips and wait until they are almost melted, then spread over all the saltines.
Scatter the nuts evenly over the top
Refrigerate for a few hours then break into pieces.

Recipe: Chocolate-Covered Cherries

Chocolate-Covered Cherries (Valentine's Day)
Categories: Candies, Fruits, Chocolate

60 Marachino cherries,with stems
3 tb Butter or margarine, softened
3 tb Light corn syrup
1/4 ts Salt
2 c Confectioner's sugar, sifted
1 1/2 lb Dipping chocolate ( for coating)

Drain marachino cherries thoroughly, Place on paper toweling.
Combine butter or margarine, corn syrup and salt. Stir in sifted confectioner's sugar.
Knead sugar mixture until smooth ( chill if mixture is too soft).
Shape 1 teaspoon of the sugar mixture around each cherry. Place on a waxed-paper-lined baking sheet, chill.
In a small, heavy saucepan, melt chocolate, stirring constantly. DO NOT ADD ANY LIQUID! Holding cherries by stems, dip one at a time into chocolate.
Spoon chocolate over cherries to coat. Chill until chocolate is hardened.
Store candy in a covered container in a cool place.
Let candies ripen a week or two.
Makes 60 chocolate-covered cherries especially for Valentines Day

Recipe: Valentine's Day Peanut Butter Marshmallow Cups

Valentine's Day Peanut Butter Marshmallow Cups
Categories: Candies

1 1/2 c Peanut butter; smooth or crunchy
5 oz Semisweet chocolate; 5 square, chopped
2 tb Butter
1 pk Marshamallows; miniature

Line 2 muffins pans with 24 foil baking cups. Melt peanut butter, chocolate and butter over low heat or in microwave at medium for 2 minutes. Stir until smooth. Fold in marshmallows.
Spoon into baking cups; chill.
Makes about 24 cups.

Recipe: Easy No-Beat Fudge for Valentine's Day

Easy No-Beat Fudge for Valentine's Day
Categories: Candies, Chocolate, Nuts

1 1/3 c Sugar
2/3 c Evaporated milk (small can)
3 tb Butter or margarine
3 pk Semi-sweet chocolate pieces (6 oz each)
3 c Miniature marshmallows
1/2 c Chopped walnuts
1/2 c Candied cherries; halved

Combine sugar, milk and butter or margarine in a medium-size heavy saucepan; heat to boiling over medium heat, stirring constantly; cook for 6 minutes, or until candy thermometer reaches 227F.
Remove from heat; add chocolate pieces and marshmallows; stir until chocolate and marshmallows are melted and mixture is smooth; quickly stir in walnuts and cherries.
Spoon into buttered 8x8x2" pan and let stand until set; cut into squares.
Makes about 3 pounds.

Recipe: Valentine's Day Chocolate Sticks

Valentine's Day Chocolate Sticks
Categories: Candies, Chocolate

2 Squares bitter chocolate
1/2 c Butter
1 c Sugar
2 Eggs
1/4 ts Salt
1/2 ts Vanilla
1/2 c Flour
1/2 c Chopped pecans or walnuts

Melt chocolate with butter and add a cup of sugar. Stir well. Stir in the eggs, first the yolks and then the whites which have been beaten with the 1/4 teaspoon of salt.
Add vanilla, half a cup of flour and fold in the nuts.
Bake at 350 degrees for 20 to 30 minutes, or until done.
Cut into slim rectangular sticks.

Recipe: Valentine's Day White Chocolate-Coffee Truffles

Valentine's Day White Chocolate-Coffee Truffles
Categories: Candies

3/4 c Whipping cream
1 tb Instant espresso or coffee powder
14 oz White chocolate, very finely chopped
2 tb Kahlua
Dipping chocolate:
1 lb White chocolate, very finely chopped
2 ts Vegetable oil
3 tb Chocolate-covered coffee beans, very finely chopped

To make the truffles:
In a medium saucepan, bring the cream and espresso powder to a boil. Pour over the chocolate and whisk until completely melted. Whisk in the Kahlua. Refrigerate until completely chilled and firm.
With a teaspoon, place pieces of the chocolate onto a foil-lined baking sheet. Refrigerate until firm; roll into balls and refrigerate again for about 30 minutes.
To prepare the dipping chocolate:
In the top of a double boiler set over hot water, place the chocolate and oil. stir until almost melted. Remove the top of the double boiler from the heat and stir until the chocolate has completely melted. Continue to stir until the chocolate has cooled and reaches a temperature of 90 degrees.
Prepare 2 baking sheets by lining with aluminum foil.
Dip each candy center in the melted chocolate, shake off the excess and place on the baking sheet.
When you have dipped a row of candies, top each with a little of the chocolate- covered coffee bean.
Before each dipping, stir the chocolate vigorously with your fingers.
If the centers become too soft, chill for about 30 minutes.
Let the candies set for about 2 hours before storing in refrigerator.
If the centers start to come through the bottoms of the chocolates, as often happens with soft mixtures, dip the bottoms again in melted and cooled chocolate.

Recipe: Valentine's Day Unbaked Candy

Valentine's Day Unbaked Candy
Categories: Cookies, Candies, No-bake

2 c Sugar
1 Stick oleo
1/2 c Peanut butter
3 c Quick oats
1/3 c Cocoa
1/2 c Milk
1 ts Vanilla

Put butter, sugar, milk and cocoa in pan. Boil 1 or 2 minutes.
Add peanut butter, oats, and vanilla.
Drop on wax paper; cool.

Recipe: Valentine's Day Coconut Bon Bons

Valentine's Day Coconut Bon Bons
Categories: Candies, Chocolate

15 oz Sweetened condensed milk
1/2 c Butter, or margarine
2 c Confectioners' sugar
12 oz Coconut, grated dried
24 oz Semi-sweet chocolate
4 tb Shortening

Mix together condensed milk, butter, sugar and coconut. Cover with wax paper and chill for 24 hours.
Melt chocolate with shortening.
Roll coconut mixture into balls and using a fork dip the balls into the chocolate.
Drop on wax paper to cool and dry.

Recipe: Valentine's Day Cinnamon Pecans

Valentine's Day Cinnamon Pecans
Categories: Candies, Low-fat

1 c Sugar
1/2 c Water
3 ts Cinnamon
1 ds Salt
3 1/2 c Pecans

Combine sugar and water. Cook to soft ball stage. Add cinnamon and salt and mix well. Add the pecans. Stir until it hardens. Pour out and let cool.

Word Puzzle

Q: This single word can be split into two words. The first, denoting a pale yellow material, the second, a plural, denoting a bunch of something in four or five in one and normally found in a set of two. Together, the word idiomatically is asigned to a clumsy person, particularly not welcome in a cricket team.'




...,




....


Ans: BUTTERFINGERS

Jokes

1. Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Paulson, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hendren, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Paulson. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"


2. Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"


3. A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."



4. A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off!
Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window. Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter.The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

Jokes

1. A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back.
At 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. It was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home."


2. My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"



3. EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY - ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step-by-step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS - DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS - BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT
Learning how to live with being wrong all the time

Jokes

1. This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along.
While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals.
Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.
The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. "What are you pulling me over for?" Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road
Hazard, for other drivers!"
"What hazard?" Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it. Now your Drivers License
and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. ..."
"Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch!"
"Sir, I was referring to the dog!.. "
"Oh... Her name is Maisy.
What do you want her name for, officer?"
"Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!"



2. A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.
"Now, what was it she wanted?"
The clerk answered, "Snow."

Jokes

1. The Optimist & The Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "Look at all this manure, there's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"



2. Driving Tip

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off?
I think not...


3. One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance; leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and a pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"


4. Our local paper runs a popular column called, "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community. In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever bought? She answered, "Dog toothpaste". Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?" She answered, "Where did you get such white teeth?"

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints. "Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an
engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

REVIEWS OF HILLARY'S NEW BOOK

REVIEWS ON HILLARY'S NEW BOOK

---> "Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern." - Craig Kilborn

---> "In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." - Jay Leno

---> "In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.'" "No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman

---> "Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." - David Letterman

---> "Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." - Jay Leno

---> "Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." - Craig Kilborn

---> "CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." - Jay Leno

---> "Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. . the one with only seven commandments." - David Letterman

John Kerry and the Church

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No, I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's views." Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church, if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint"
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.
And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present. Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views. John Kerry is a petty, self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit. John Kerry is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally witnessed. He turned on his buddies in Vietnam. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal. He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply isn't to be trusted."
The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with; "But, when compared to Senator's Ted Kennedy & Hillary Clinton, Senator Kerry is a saint."

Reasons for divorce

Why she married him - he was such a "strong man"
Why she divorced him - he was such a "dominating male."

Why he married her - she was so "fragile and petite."
Why he divorced her - she was so "weak and helpless."

Why she married him - "he knows how to provide a good living."
Why she divorced him - "all he thinks about is business."

Why she married him - he was "happy and romantic."
Why she divorced him - he was "shiftless and fun-loving."

Why she married him - he was "the life of the party."
Why she divorced him- "He never wants to come home from a party."

Why he married her - she was "steady and sensible."
Why he divorced her - she was "boring and dull."

Why she married him - he had a "nice and satisfying stick"
Why she divorced him - his "stick was satisfying all other holes in the house except hers".

SPONTANEOUS AD MEETING

The boss of a Madison Avenue Advertising Agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was that they had to use past AD slogans, originally written for other products . but which captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About thirty minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone in the entire Ad Agency!

The top ten suggested slogans were:

10. Viagra . Whaaaazzzz uuuuuuuuuupppp!

9. Viagra . The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra . When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra . Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra . Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra . Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra . Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra . We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. Viagra . This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.

Signatures

No two things produced by nature are the same. Each leaf is different. Each tiger or zebra or cheetah or leopard with their stripes or spots is different. Similarly every human face, voice, fingerprint is different. Only things produced by man in a factory
are alike. This difference is laid down in ancient Indian Philosophy also. It is called Pancha-bhedha.
Likewise each person's signature is different. No two signatures are alike. Some are flashy, some illegible scrawls, some large, some small and some just a person's name in normal handwriting.
Just like a person's handwriting, a signature can also help in judging a person's character and temperament. For eg, experts say, a decorative signature signifies a flashy and an egotistic person. A signature, which is just like a person's handwriting, signifies a down-to-earth and straightforward person. A small signature, even if the name is lengthy, signifies that the person is reserved and humble.
There was a colleague of mine who was a General Manager whose full signature was smaller than my initial. He had once signed an application and sent it to a Government Department. The same was sent back with the message " Please put your full signature instead of your initials!"
The ending stroke of a signature also speaks about the person's confidence. If the stroke is turning backward, it signifies a pessimistic type of person. It is funny to see some people sign. Their lips make the most absurd movements when they sign that it takes an effort to keep from laughing.

Zodiac signs and you

Zodiac signs and you

ARIES - The Daredevil
Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic.

VIRGO - The Perfectionist
Dominant in relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.

SCORPIO - The Intense One
Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional.

LIBRA - The Harmonizer
Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.

AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart
Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality.

GEMINI - The Chatterbox
Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Likes change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent, but is only changeable. Beautiful physically and mentally.

LEO - The Boss
Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive.

CANCER - The Protector
Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic.

PISCES - The Dreamer
Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful.

CAPRICORN - The Go-Getter
Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimists. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want.

TAURUS - The Enduring One
Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings who are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums.
Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous.


SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One
Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful
inside and out.

Jokes

1. A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags!"


2. In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain. With this money he set about realizing his childhood ambition to become a country squire.
He purchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in his family had ever dreamed of. Foremost of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well educated
man who assisted his master in every way he could to better himself.
The master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to explain a new term. One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?"
"Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas'. I'll give you an example:
"Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose?
"And do you further remember how later, at breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband 'Is your prick still throbbing dear?' and you said 'Christ!' and I dropped the marmalade?
"That, Sir, was a faux pas."


3. A man wrote a letter to a small hotel, in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well-behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply, came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night, for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

By all Means... MARRY!

By all Means... MARRY!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

Jokes

1. A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over.

The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds.

Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'"

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"



2. While a friend and I were visiting the Naval Academy in Annapolis, we noticed several first year students on their hands and knees assessing the brick courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied, "One."



3. Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."



4. One Christmas, a parent decided that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did not receive acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.

However, things were different the following year.

"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in their behavior?"

"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

(As answered by elementary school students)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.

God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

What is the Right Age To Get Married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?

Both don't want any more kids.

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

When they're rich.

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

Is It Better To Be Single or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

How Would You Make a Marriage Work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

What is Makar Sankranti

The Sun God has changed its path and even the city sky is adorned with vividly coloured kites, surely the time is due for some till ladoos. It's Makar Sankranti...

Makara Sankranti marks the commencement of the Sun´s journey to the Northern Hemisphere (Makara raashi) and is a day of celebration all over the country. The day begins with people taking holy dips in sacred rivers and worshipping the Sun God.

Traditionally, this period is considered auspicious and veteran warrior Bhishma of Mahabharata chose to die during this period. As the story goes Bhishma fell to the arrows of Arjun during the war in Mahabharata. With his boon to choose his moment of death, he waited on a bed of arrows to depart from this world only during this period. It is believed that those who die in this period get freedom from rebirth.

People on the Gangetic plains begin the day by taking dips in the Ganga and offering water to the Sun God. The dip is said to purify them and wash away their sins. Special puja is offered as a thanksgiving for good harvest. According to folklore, girls who take the holy dip get handsome husbands and boys get beautiful brides.

Most of the traditional dishes prepared on this day consist of Til (Sesame) and rice. In the rice-eating belt of Bihar and eastern Uttar Pradesh, people have a special rice-centric meal on this day. In Maharashtra, when two persons greet each other on this festive day, they exchange a few grains of multi-coloured sugar and fried til mixed with molasses and say "Til gul ghya, god god bola" (henceforth, let there be
only friendship and good thoughts between us). A special pancake of wheat flour stuffed with molasses is the treat for the day.

In Gujarat, pandits consider Sankranti an auspicious day to grant scholarships and certificates of merit to students who have successfully completed their studies in philosophy. In a Hindu household, new utensils are purchased and used for the first
time.

However, the characteristic of Sankranti nowadays are the brightly coloured kites that dot the skies. In fact, kite-flying competitions held all over the country, have become an international crowd-puller.

In fact, the coming weekend shall be celebrated as a major Kite-Flying Festival, including Kite making and flying competitions, dance and music programmes along with regional fairs.

THINGS GOD WON`T ASK

1. God Won't ask -
What kind of Car you drove,
He will ask how many people you drove, who did not have transportation.

2. God Won't ask -
The square footage of your house,
He will ask, how many people you welcomed into your Home

3. God won't ask -
About the clothes you had in your closet,
He will ask, how many you helped to clothe

4. God Won't ask,
what your highest salary was,
He will ask, whether you compromised your character to obtain it

5. God Won't ask -
What your job title was,
he will ask, if you performed your job to the best of your ability

6. God Won't ask -
How many friend you had,
He will ask, How many people to whom you were a friend

7. God won't ask -
In which neighborhood you lived,
He will ask, how you treated your neighbors

8. God won't ask -
About the color of your skin
He will ask about the content of your Character

9 God won't ask -
Why it took you so long to seek salvation.
He will lovingly carry you to your abode in heaven and not to the gates of hell

Recipe: METHI PAKODA KADHI

METHI PAKODA KADHI

The perfect dish to serve for a Holiday lunch. Fenugreek dumplings are deep fried and dunked for a few seconds in milk and then immersed in the curd kadhi. This process of soaking the fenugreek dumplings in milk makes them softer and more succulent and reduces the sharpness of the curd based kadhi.

Preparation Time : 15 mins.
Cooking Time : 20 mins.

Serves 4.

For the methi pakodas:

½ cup fenugreek (methi) leaves
¼ cup curds, beaten
¾ cup Bengal gram flour (besan)
a pinch soda bi-carb
salt to taste

For the kadhi:

1 cup fresh curds, beaten
2 tablespoons Bengal gram flour (besan)
1 teaspoon cumin seeds (jeera)
a pinch asafoetida (hing)
5 curry leaves
1/3 cup onions, sliced
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
¼ teaspoon turmeric powder (haldi)
1 tablespoon oil
salt to taste

Other ingredients:

¾ cup milk
oil for deep frying

For the methi pakodas:
1. Combine all the ingredients and mix into a thick batter, using a little water.
2. Deep fry spoonfuls of the batter in hot oil, till they are golden brown in colour.
3. Drain on absorbent paper.

For the kadhi:
1. Mix the curds and gram flour in a bowl, add 1 cup of water and whisk well till no lumps remain. Keep aside.
2. Heat the oil in a pan and add the cumin seeds. When they crackle, add the asafoetida, curry leaves, onions and garlic and sauté for 4 to 5 minutes.
3. Add the curds and gram flour mixture, turmeric powder and salt and bring to a boil over a slow flame.

How to proceed:
1. Soak the pakoras in the milk for a few seconds. Drain and add to hot kadhi.
2. Bring to a boil and serve immediately.

Jokes

1. It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, Boy, are you in trouble? I'm a lawyer!
The driver looked out his window and said, No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge.


2. Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from New York, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Tennessee girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.


3. Signs You're Too Hairy

Often confused for Bigfoot by the Weekly World News.

Norelco Electric Razor Salespeople harass on your way to your car.

Your AOL login name is Cousin IT.

You're banned from all the local pools due to clogging their drains.

Date comments on the great furry toilet seat you don't remember buying one.

You get real paranoid when you light a cigarette.

Hair Club For Men members picket your house out of jealousy.

Your stylist uses Hedge Clippers to trim you.

Your dog can't find a leg to hump.

Bald guys accidentally run into you with glue on their heads hoping to score a cheap toupee.

Jokes

1. An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."


2. Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.

That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.



3. A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite rejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Dr. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."



4. After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condoleezza Rice . Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help. Within 5 minutes, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

5 types of post-marriage sex

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Natural beauty tips

Total all-over skin softener...

Warm 1/2 cup of canned, unsweetened, coconut milk in the microwave for 30 seconds. Stir in 2 tablespoons of honey. Massage the mixture all over the body, then rinse in warm, not hot water. (tub or shower). The lactic acid in the coconut milk exfoliates flakes, the honey hydrates and heals, and the heat makes the mixture penetrate into the skin better...

Dry, ragged cuticles...

Steep 2 bags of chamomile tea in a cup of hot water. Let it cool to a comfortable temperature and soak the fingers in the cup for one minute. Apply Vitamin E oil and massage it in gently, leaving it on the skin...

Cracked, calloused feet...

Spread any moisturizer you have on your feet. Apply a light coat of vaseline over the feet. Put on socks that have been warmed up in the dryer---Go to sleep with the socks on...In the morning, your feet will be smooth and soft...

Heal chapped lips...

Heat one tablespoon of Udder balm (you can get this at any drugstore) or you can use cocoa butter, for about 30 seconds in the microwave. When the mixture cools off to a comfortable temperature, apply it to the lips with a soft toothbrush and gently scrub to remove flakes and dry skin. Use a coarse washcloth to remove the mixture to further exfoliate the lips. Open up a Vitamin E capsule and apply the contents to the lips and gently massage it into the lips...

Jokes

1. I'm the Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that Read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
" Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"


2. Two blind pilots board the plane wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog
and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter
spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and
the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that
this is just a little practical joke. No one is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and
laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in
the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know,
Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

How to Master the Subtle Art Of Self-Promotion on the Job

How to Master the Subtle Art Of Self-Promotion on the Job

In today's work world -- where companies are regularly acquired by competitors, departments are repeatedly reshuffled and staff members always seem to be moving up or moving on -- it's easy for your accomplishments to be overlooked.

To ensure that you get the recognition you deserve, it's important to master the subtle art of self promotion.

Here are five ways to highlight your achievements without making yourself look like a braggart or a buffoon.

> Educate up.

If your boss is too busy to stay abreast of your activities, make it your job to keep her up-to-date. Schedule a weekly meeting or send regular emails detailing your accomplishments and addressing any issues. But keep the remarks concise, informative and balanced. Don't talk about you, talk about the broader organizational impact of your actions.

> Expand your network.

Say good-bye to the old bunker mentality and make an effort to reach out to people outside your department. You can ask them to participate in a cross-departmental project or simply sit in on a meeting. Not only does this encourage collaboration, but also it's a natural way to spread the word about what you're working on. By inviting new people into the fold, you're creating more visibility for yourself and your team.

>Tap other people's expertise

Many of us assume that asking for help makes us look weak or incompetent. In fact, tapping other people's expertise can help you build a stronger network. By asking for help, you're not signifying that you don't know what you're doing; you're simply acknowledging that your colleagues have complementary skills -- a gesture they're sure to appreciate and remember.

>Acknowledge your team

If you tend to underplay your own accomplishments out of modesty, one of the most comfortable means to gain visibility is to acknowledge the efforts of your team. In this way, you're talking about a collective effort and taking the focus off the individual.

>Celebrate success

If your team or department has just made a big sale or completed a long-term project, don't be shy about it. Give a party, print some t-shirts or send out an office-wide email praising everyone's efforts. Celebrating will help you advertise your achievements and set the office abuzz.

Very very Impressive Questions and Answers..... ...

Very very Impressive Questions and Answers..... ...

Question 1: You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, it's raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for a bus:

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
An old friend who once saved your life.
The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing very well that there could only be one passenger in your car?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

* You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first;
* or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to ! pay him back.
* However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. Guess what was his answer? :
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He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my Old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

Question 2: What will you do if I run away with your sister?"
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The candidate who was selected answered " I will not get a better match for my sister than you sir"

Question 3: Interviewer (to a student girl candidate) - What is one morning you woke up & found that you were pregnant.
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Girl - I will be very excited and take an off, to celebrate with my husband.

Normally an unmarried girl will be shocked to hear this, but she managed it well. Why I should think it in the wrong way, she said later when asked

Question 4: The interviewer asked to the candidate "This is your last question of the interview. Please tell me the exact position of the center of this table where u have kept your files."
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Candidate confidently put one of his finger at some point at the table and told that this was the central point at the table. Interviewer asked how did u get to know that this being the central point of this table, then he answers quickly that sir u r not likely to ask any more question, as it was the last question that u promised to ask.....

And hence, he was selected as because of his quick-wittedness. ........

Jokes

1. MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her And then gave it his all; Right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' And returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, .......
'The egg timer's broken.'



2. "HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

Recipe: Chocolate-Éclair Icebox Dessert

Chocolate-Éclair Icebox Dessert

22 1/2 sheets (about 1 [14-ounce] box) low-fat honey graham crackers, divided
Cooking spray
3 cups fat-free milk
2 (3.4-ounce) packages fat-free vanilla instant pudding mix
1 (8-ounce) tub fat-free cream cheese
1 (8-ounce) tub frozen reduced-calorie whipped topping, thawed
1/4 cup fat-free milk
2 tablespoons stick margarine or butter, softened
2 tablespoons honey
2 ounces unsweetened chocolate, melted
1 1/2 cups sifted powdered sugar

Arrange 7 1/2 graham cracker sheets in the bottom of a 13 x 9-inch baking dish coated with cooking spray. Combine 3 cups milk, pudding mix, and cream cheese in a large bowl, and beat at low speed of a mixer 1 minute or until thick. Fold in whipped topping. Spread half of the pudding mixture over graham crackers, and top with 7 1/2 graham cracker sheets. Repeat the procedure with the remaining half of pudding mixture and 7 1/2 graham cracker sheets.
Combine 1/4 cup milk, softened margarine, honey, and unsweetened chocolate in a medium bowl, and beat well with a mixer. Gradually add powdered sugar to milk mixture, and beat well. Spread chocolate glaze over graham crackers. Cover dessert and tent with foil; chill 4 hours.
Yield: 18 servings

CALORIES 234 (22% from fat); FAT 5.8g (sat 2.7g,mono 1.5g,poly 1.3g);
PROTEIN 5.4g; CHOLESTEROL 3mg; CALCIUM 105mg; SODIUM 352mg; FIBER 0.8g;
IRON 1mg; CARBOHYDRATE 41.5g

All about dogs

Dog Quotes

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."

-- Gene Hill

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."

-- Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

-- Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."

-- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."

-- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

-- Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."

-- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."

-- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"

-- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

-- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."

-- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."

-- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."

-- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

-- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."

-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"

-- Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." --
Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."

-- Edward Abbey

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."

-- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."

-- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what G~d should be."

-- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."

-- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."

-- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."

-- John Steinbeck

"I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are just as scared of me as I am of them; they just show it differently. They show it by barking and snapping at me, and I show it by soiling myself."

-- Dakota Shepard

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."

-- Anonymous

"In dog years, I'm dead."

-- Anonymous

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."

-- Dave Barry

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."

-- Penny Ward Moser

"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."

-- Danish Proverb

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."

-- James Thurber

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader.

He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."

-- Anonymous

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."

-- Ben Williams

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."

-- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."

-- Josh Billings

"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in."

-- Mark Twain

"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it."

-- Abraham Lincoln

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives."

-- Rita Rudner

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."

-- Anonymous

A Special grocery list

A Special grocery list

Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries.

She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food.

John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once.

Visualizing the family needs, she said: 'Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can.'

John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store.

Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family. The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, 'Do you have a grocery list?'

Louise replied, 'Yes sir.' 'O.K' he said, 'put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries.'

Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.

The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down. The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and
said begrudgingly, 'I can't believe it.'

The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more.

The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement. It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said: 'Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands.'

The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence.
Louise thanked him and left the store. The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said: 'It was worth every penny of it .. Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs.'

Sleeping and dreaming facts

Did You Know?
. One third of our lives are spent sleeping.

. In your lifetime you will spend about six years of it dreaming. That is more than 2100 days spent in a different world.

. Everybody dreams. Just because you don't remember your dreams it does not mean that you didn't dream.

. We dream an average of one or two hours every night and we often have four to seven dreams in one night.

. Five minutes after the end of a dream, half the content is forgotten. After ten minutes, 99 percent is lost.

. If you are snoring then you cannot be dreaming.

. The word dream stems from the middle English word, 'dreme' which means joy and music.

. Men tend to dream more about other men, while women dream equally about men and women.

. People who give up smoking have longer and more intense dreams.

. Toddlers do not dream about themselves. They don't appear in their own dreams until the age of four.

Various laws

Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen
with.

LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the
aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the
coffee is cold.

Signatures & Personality

Signatures & Personality

The various types of Signatures you come across & the attitude of a person are listed below:

# SINGLE UNDERLINE BELOW THE SIGN!!
These persons are very confident and are good personalities. They are a little bit selfish but believe in "Happiness of human life"

# TWO DOTS BELOW THE SIGN!!
These persons are considered to be Romantic, can easily change their fiancées as if they change their clothes. They prefer beauty in other persons & they themselves try to look beautiful. They easily attract others.

# SINGLE DOT BELOW THE SIGN!
These persons are more inclined towards classical arts, simple & are very cool. If you loose faith with them, then these persons will never look back at you. Hence its always better to be careful with these people.

# NO UNDERLINES OR DOTS BELOW THE SIGN!!
These persons enjoy their life in their own way, never pay attention to others views. These are considered to be good natured but are selfish too.

# RANDOM SIGN, NO SIMILARITY BETWEEN NAME & SIGN!!
These persons try to be very smart, hide each & every matter, never say anything in straight forward manner, never pay attention to the other person of what he is talking of.

# RANDOM SIGN, SIMILARITY BETWEEN NAME & SIGN!!
These persons are considered to be intelligent but never think. These people change their ideas & views as fast as the wind changes its direction of flow. They never think whether that particular thing is right or wrong.
You can win them just by flattering them.

# SIGN IN PRINTED LETTERS!!
These persons are very kind to us, have a good heart, selfless, are ready to sacrifice their life for the sake of their near & dear. But these seem to think a lot and may get angry very soon.

# WRITING COMPLETE NAME AS THEIR SIGN!!
These persons are very kind hearted, can adjust themselves to any environment & to the person they are talking. These persons are very firm on their views & posses a lot of will power.

Jokes

1. Fried Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."



2. Hearing Aid

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
"How much do they run?" he asked the clerk. "That depends," said the salesman. "They run from 100 bucks to 10,000."
"Let's see the cheaspest model," he said. The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked. "For 100 bucks it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"



3. Drunk & The Nun

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her , then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.........."Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"



4. Infinite Wisdom

One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class enthralled. It was a brilliant lecture.
Suddenly, over his head a bright light flashed and an angel came down and approached the teacher.
She said, "You are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have decided to give you one wish. You can have infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowledge."
Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. She tapped him with a magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class came forward to hear the first words from a man with infinite wisdom.
He said, "It would of been wiser to take the money..."