Jokes

1. Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Paulson, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hendren, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Paulson. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"


2. Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"


3. A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."



4. A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off!
Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window. Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter.The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"