Recipe: Chicken Soup with Butter Dumplings

Makes 4 servings
Time: 20 minutes

Serve in any chicken soup.

6 C chicken stock
4 T (1/2 stick) butter, softened
2 eggs
½ C flour
¼ C minced fresh parsley leaves
¼ C minced or grated onion
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste

Heat the stock in a large pot. Cream the butter in a bowl with the black of a fork, then beat in the eggs. Stir in the flour, parsley, onion, salt, and pepper, blending well. Add heated stock 1 T at a time, just until the batter is soft; do not make it too loose or the dumplings will fall apart.
Drop the batter by the scant teaspoonful into the simmering broth. Cook until set and cooked through, about 10 minutes, removing the dumplings as they are done. Serve immediately in the soup.

Adult Joke: Making love to a girl in the back seat of a car

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love.

The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and
they do it again. She still wants more and the guy, by now exhausted, says:

"Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself."

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a
flat. He goes up to the guy and says;

"Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or
five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll
take over for me."

The guy agrees. He jumps into the back of the car and starts to go at
it with the woman.

He's just getting to the gravy strokes when a cop knocks on the
window and shines a light on them.

The cop asks, "What're you doing in there?"

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks, "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife
until you shined the light on her.

Humour: Things you should probably not say at a wake

* So, what are you gonna do with his golf clubs?

* Who do I talk to about his bar tab?

* Of course you'll miss him, he didn't molest you.

* How long you think until he starts to stink?

* Wow! Other than his wife, is there anyone in this room he didn't bang?

* Say what you will, Madame Toussot does nice work.

* It's weird not seeing him drunk.

* I always thought he was gay.

* Isn't that suit gonna be a little warm for Hell?

* So now that you're a widow, what do you do? Masturbate?

* I was there when he died. Man, what a baby.

Joke; A teacher in heaven

A teacher dies and goes to Heaven. When she gets there she meets Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

Peter says to her, "Welcome to Heaven. Let me give you an orientation first." So Peter takes her to some beautiful houses.

The teacher asks, "Who lives here in these beautiful houses?"

"These are for doctors. They did a lot of good on Earth so they get a nice mansion," replies Peter.

Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These were more magnificent than the first.

"Wow, who lives here?"

"These mansions are for social workers. They did a lot of good on Earth, but didn't make a lot of money so they get a better house."

Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These are the most gorgeous homes she had ever seen. They have huge columns, well manicured lawns, beautiful stained glass windows - - - the works!

"These are the most beautiful homes I have ever seen," exclaims the teacher. "Who lives here?!"

"Teachers live here," says Peter, "they did much good on Earth and received very little money, so they get the best houses in all of Heaven."

"But where are all of the teachers?" inquires the teacher.

Peter answers, "Oh, they'll be back soon. They're all in Hell at a faculty meeting."

Recipe: Cabbage Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: about 45 minutes

This North European staple can always be improved by using Savoy cabbage in place of tight green head cabbage. For a thicker, more substantial soup, see the second variation.

1 small head green, Savoy, or Napa cabbage, about 1-1/2 lbs
4 T (1/2 stick) butter or 3 T extra-virgin oil
1 large onion, sliced
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
2 T brown sugar
¼ t ground allspice
5 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, preferably warmed
Freshly squeezed lemon juice or white wine or rice vinegar to taste

Core and shred the cabbage. Place the butter or oil in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium. When the butter melts or the oil is hot, add the cabbage, onion, slat, and pepper. Cook, stirring, until both the onion and cabbage are tender but not brown---turn the heat down a little if necessary---at least 20 minutes.
Stir in the sugar and allspice and cook, stirring, for 1 minute. Add the stock or water and cook, stirring occasionally, for about 15 minutes. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.)
Add a teaspoon or two of lemon juice, then taste and adjust seasoning. Serve hot.

Recipe: Onion Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: about 1 hour

This onion soup has a thin coating of good cheese rather than the more common gobs of mozzarella or Cheddar. It's light but incredibly deep in flavor.

4 T (1/2 stick) butter
4 large onions, thinly sliced (about 6 cups)
5 C beef or chicken stock, preferably warmed
2 or 3 sprigs fresh thyme or pinch dried thyme
2 or 3 sprigs fresh parsley
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
2 T cognac (optional)
4 croutons, made with bread slices & butter
1 C freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Melt the butter in a large, deep saucepan or casserole over medium heat. Add the onions and cook, stirring occasionally, until very soft and beginning to brown, 30 to 45 minutes.
Add the stock, turn the heat to medium-high and bring just about to a boil. Turn down the heat so that the mixture sends up a few bubbles at a time. Add the seasoning herbs, salt, pepper, and cognac and cook for 15 minutes. Preheat the oven to 400°F. Fish out the parsley and thyme sprigs, if any. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point; cover and refrigerate for up to 2 days, then reheat before proceeding.)
Place a crouton in each of four ovenproof bowls. Add a portion of soup and top with cheese. Place the bowls in a roasting pan or on a sturdy baking sheet and bake for 10 minutes, or until the cheese melts. Serve immediately.

Recipe: Simplest Split Pea Soup

Makes 4 to 6 servings
Time: about 1-1/2 hours

To make pea soup, you need split peas, water (or stock, or course), and croutons.

2 C green split peas, washed & picked over
6 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Croutons

Combine the peas and the stock or water in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Turn the heat to low, cover partially, and cook, stirring occasionally, until the peas are very, very soft, about 45 minutes to 1 hour.
Mash the mixture with a fork or potato masher, or put it through a food mill or strainer, or puree it carefully in a blender. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.) Reheat, adding more stock or water if necessary to achieve the consistency you like. Season to taste and serve with croutons.

Alternatives to fruits (in recipes)

Many times, we come across recipes which require fruits and they may not be available in exactly the form as needed in the recipe. Here are some alternatives:

1 teaspoon grated orange rind = 1/2 orange

3 tablespoons lemon juice = 1 lemon

1-1/2 teaspoons grated lemon rind = 1 lemon

1 cup mashed banana= 3 medium bananas

6 tablespoons orange juice = 1 orange

1 cup chopped apple = 1 medium apple

4 cups sliced apples = 4 medium apples

2 cups pitted cherries = 4 cups un-pitted cherries

4 cups sliced fresh peaches = 2 lbs or 8 medium peaches

1 cup orange juice = 3 medium oranges

Humour - Jokes from the bar - Part 4

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man calls the bartender over. "Say, must be losing my mind," he tells him."I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. "The peanuts?" "That's right, the peanuts--they're complementary."

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?" The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign--I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the man tells his friend about it: "I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down. The bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."

A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, "What's the matter?" The man says, "My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today.

"This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, "What are you doing? What's in your pocket?" And the guy says, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."

A police officer helps Ole up off the barroom floor and says, "So, can you describe the person who hit you and knocked you out?" And Ole says, "Ya sure. In fact, that's what I was yust doing when he hit me."

Humour - Jokes from the bar - Part 3

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work." And the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guy says, "I take care of the corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns." The bartender asks, "Tough job, huh? The guy says, "Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad
temperaments. And the dogs aren't too smart, either."

A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one and says "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." Finally, the bartender gives the man his tab, and the man says, "And NOW the
trouble starts...

"A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry." The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What have you got? "Fifty cents," is the reply.

A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, "That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen's hats?" And the bartender says, "Well, it says right there in the Bible--the three wise men came from afar."

Humour: Jokes from the bar - Part 2

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."

A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"

The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman:
"What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says the man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman.

Humour: Jokes from the bar - Part 1

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, Bartender, two beers please. One for me, and one for the road."

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel fastened to his fly. The bartender points and says, "Hey! You have a steering wheel stuck on your fly!" And the pirate says: "Arrrgh. And it's driving me nuts!"

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"

A guy walks into a bar wearing nothing but a set of jumper cables. He says, "Bartender, give me a beer." The bartender says, "You can a beer, but I don't want you starting anything!"

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus."The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here. "The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, you won't get many more.

"A termite walks into a bar and asks , "Is the bartender here?"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A three-legged dog walks into a bar. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

Humour: What is the difference between men and women?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

*******

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

*******

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

*******

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

*******

5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

*******

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

*******

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

*******

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

*******

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

*******

10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

Recipe: White Bean Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: at least 1-1/2 hours


1-1/2 C navy, pea, or other dried white beans, washed & picked over
About 6 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, plus more if necessary
1 medium onion, quartered
2 T butter or extra-virgin olive oil (optional)
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

Place the beans, stock or water, and onion in a large, deep saucepan or casserole; turn the heat to medium-high. When it boils, turn the heat down to medium-low and cover partially. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the beans are very soft, at least 1 hour.
Put the mixture through a food mill or strainer, or puree it in a blender. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.) Reheat, adding more stock or water if necessary to achieve the consistency you like. Stir in the butter or oil, season with salt and pepper, garnish, and serve.

Recipe: Mushroom Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: 30 minutes

2 oz or more dried porcini mushrooms (optional; use if you have only button mushrooms for fresh)
2 T butter or extra-virgin olive oil
1 lb fresh mushrooms, preferably a combination, cleaned, trimmed, & sliced, the stems reserved for another use, a few slices reserved for garnish
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
2 T minced shallots
1 t minced garlic
4 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, preferably warmed
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

If you are using dried mushrooms, soak them in hot water to cover for about 15 minutes while you prepare the other ingredients.
Place the butter or oil in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium. When the butter melts or the oil is hot, add the fresh mushrooms and turn the heat to medium-high. Cook, stirring, for about 10 minutes, until they begin to brown. As they cook, drain the dried mushrooms if you're using them (strain and reserve their soaking liquid), and stir them into the mixture. Season the mushrooms with salt and pepper as they cook.
Add the shallots and garlic and cook, stirring, for 1 minute. Add the stock and reserved mushroom soaking liquid and bring the mixture just about to a boil. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.) Turn off the heat, garnish, and serve.


Cream of Mushroom Soup

Couldn't be easier. Reduce the amount of stock by 1 cup. Add 1 T dry sherry (optional) along with the stock. Stir in 1 cup light or heavy cream or half-and-half just before serving, and heat through (do not boil). Garnish with snipped chives and sliced mushrooms.

Recipe: White Bean Soup w/Vegetables

Makes 4 servings
Time: at least 1-1/2 hours

Less pure than the proceeding, but more flavorful. Vary the vegetables as you wish.

1 C navy, pea, or other dried white beans, washed & picked over
6 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, plus more if necessary
2 carrots, peeled & roughly chopped
1 medium turnip or parsnip, peeled & roughly chopped
1 potato, peeled & roughly chopped
1 celery stalk, roughly chopped
3 or 4 sprigs fresh parsley, plus minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish
½ t fresh rosemary or thyme leaves or ¼ t dried
2 T butter or extra-virgin olive oil (optional)
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste

Place the beans and stock or water together in a large saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium-high; add the carrots, turnip, potato, celery, parsley, and herb. When it boils, turn the heat down to medium-low and cover partially. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the beans are very soft, at least 1 hour.
Put the mixture through a food mill or strainer, or puree it in a blender. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.) Reheat, adding more stock or water if necessary to achieve the consistency you like. Stir in the butter or oil, season with salt and pepper, garnish, and serve.

Recipe: Cream of Broccoli (or Any Vegetable) Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: 30 minutes

There are thousands of recipes for true cream of vegetable soups, but the differences among them are subtle at best. Basically, you cook the vegetable you want with good flavorings until it's done. Then you puree it and reheat it with cream. (The addition of rice or potatoes makes the soup smooth and creamy without outrageous amounts of cream. One-quarter cup is enough to lighten the color and smooth the texture; one full cup lends an incompatible richness.)

About 1 lb broccoli, trimmed & cut up, to yield about 4 loosely packed cups broccoli, or the equivalent amount of cauliflower, carrots, turnips, celery, or other vegetable
½ C rice or 1 medium baking potato, peeled& cut into quarters
4 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
¼ to 1 C heavy or light cream or half-and-half
Minced fresh parsley leaves or chives for garnish

Combine the broccoli, rice or potato, and stock or water in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium-high. Bring to a boil, then lower the heat to medium and cook until the vegetables are very tender, about 15 minutes.
Cool slightly, then puree in a food mill or in a blender. Return to the pot and reheat over medium-low heat. Season with salt and pepper, then add the cream; heat through again, garnish, and serve.

Humour: KIDS' KITCHEN TERMS

BOIL:
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE:
Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

DESSERT:
The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE:
Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FRUIT:
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert

REFRIGERATOR:
A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

SODA POP:
Shake 'N Spray.

TABLE LEG:
Percussion instrument

Humour: Job Search jargon

Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long-time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen and figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.

CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary;
you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of
the real daring guys wear earrings.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Humour: Cost cutting measures in a hospital

To: All Staff
From: Administration
Re: Hospital Costs

In an effort to reduce costs this year, the following are effective immediately. Please share this information with your patients and physicians as soon as possible.

1. Food service will be discontinued immediately. Patients wishing to eat will want to get their families to bring them a brown bag meal, or you may make your own arrangements with Subway, Dominoes, etc. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose.

2. Our phone operators have all been let go, so if your are walking through the lobby and hear the telephone ringing, please answer it.

3. We have found it necessary to make substantial reductions in our transport team so we ask the cooperation of all patients. One transporter will take at least six patients in wheelchairs at a time to Radiology, PT and other services. Please form a "train" by holding tightly on to the handles of the wheelchair in front of you.

4. Our Emergency Room is really busy from 3 PM to 11 PM so, if you can, please have your accidents and heart attacks in the mornings or early afternoons. That would really be helpful and will help to reduce your wait.

5. To expedite surgery cases, all AM admits and outpatient surgery patients are asked to report to the hospital 3 hours prior to surgery. Go to Central Sterile and pick up a clean instrument
tray & surgery pack and proceed to the Surgery Holding area. To help us reduce drug costs, please take several aspirin prior and drink a six-pack of your favorite brewskee before to arriving at the hospital for surgery.

6. Patients anticipating the need for a bedpan can check one out in the gift shop. They will be available in a wide variety of colors and styles to meet the aesthetic and physical requirements of our patients. A deposit will be required but returned if the bedpan is returned clean.

7. To reduce patients' lengths of stay, nurses will have a choice of using in-line skates or skateboards. To expedite response to patient's needs and discharges, nurse call systems will be modified and will be wired to a collar worn by nurses, which will deliver a mild shock when pushed by the patient.

8. Taking a cue from the airlines, Respiratory Therapists will be replaced by oxygen masks which will, should the need arise, automatically drop from the ceiling over patient beds. If this occurs, please place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally.

9. The hospital got a real sweet deal on surplus white waiters' jackets and these will be issued to all physicians. Doctors, we apologize in advance because the jackets already had a first
name embroidered on the pocket. We will work with you to find a name that you can live with.

10. All first time moms are asked to volunteer to help out on the Pediatrics floor - not only will this reduce hospital costs, but it will give you a much needed experience and a dose of reality after ogling over your own precious sleeping bundle of joy.

11. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Family members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean public areas to receive special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.

12. Plant operations and Engineering are being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from
administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on
Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

13. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

14. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Walgreen's photo lab. Two prints will be provided
for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Walgreen's will honor all competitors' coupons for one-hour processing in
emergency situations, so if you come across coupons from other vendors, please clip them and send them to the Emergency Department.

15. In light of the extremely hot summer temperature and the high A/C bills that we received last summer, our new policy is to have fans available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. For those patients who do not wish to use electric fans, the old reliable hand held cardboard fans on a stick are free upon request.

16. The cost of hospital gowns continues to escalate so patients are asked to bring their own pajama top which nurses will be happy to slit up the back for you. Pajama bottoms are not permitted on patient units.

17. On the way to the hospital, please stop by Target or Wal-Mart and pick up two sets of twin bed sheets. Should you require extra linens during your stay, coin operated washers and dryers
are available for patient use.

18. Administration is assuming responsibility for grounds keeping duties. If an Administrator cannot be reached by calling the Administrative Offices, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mover, weed-whacker, etc.

19. The hospital chapel will close down permanently so be sure to look up the number to "Dial-A-Prayer" if the situation arises for a spiritual consultation.

20. Please make sure you take a long hot shower or bath before staying with us because the hot water will be turned off permanently. If you're well enough to take a shower or bath, you're well enough to be at home.

21. With the recent finding that elevators use more electricity to go up and less to go down, please fit as many people as possible in the elevator before leaving the ground floor. The elevators will be programmed to go up only once an hour.

If you have any questions regarding these cost-cutting measures, please let us know. Thank you for your cooperation.

Humour: The last thing that a person did

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all
the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few
survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says
the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room,
and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in
stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the
mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing
he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

Recipe: Spinach & Egg Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: 20 minutes

Use watercress instead of spinach, peanut oil instead of butter, and a couple of tablespoons of soy sauce instead of nutmeg and Parmesan, and you've got egg drop soup. Who said Italy and China were far apart?

1 lb spinach, well washed & picked over
2 T butter
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Pinch freshly grated nutmeg
5 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, preferably warmed
2 eggs
At least ½ C freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Steam or simmer the spinach in a medium-to-large saucepan until it wilts. Cool it under cold water, squeeze it dry, and chop it finely.
Place the butter in a large, deep saucepan and turn the heat to medium. When it melts, add the spinach, salt, pepper, and nutmeg. Add the stock or water and bring to a boil.
Turn the heat to medium so that the soup is bubbling but not furiously. Mix the eggs with about ½ cup of cheese, and then add them to the soup in a steady stream. You want the eggs to "scramble," not just to thicken the soup, but you don't want them to lump up, so stir constantly.
Cook, stirring occasionally, until the eggs are cooked and the soup is thick, 2 or 3 minutes. Serve with bread, passing more Parmesan at the table.

Recipe: Minestrone Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: 45 minutes to 1 hour

Essentially, vegetable soup, best made with a little bit of prosciutto. Consider this recipe a series of suggestions, rather than something ironclad; you can make minestrone with any vegetables you have on hand.

4 T extra-virgin olive oil
1 medium onion, minced
1 carrot, peeled & diced
½ C minced prosciutto or other ham (optional)
4 C assorted mixed vegetables, cut into small cubes if necessary: potatoes, carrots, corn, peas, string beans, cooked dried beans (cranberry beans, or borlotti, are traditional), celery, zucchini or summer squash, pumpkin or winter squash, leeks, parsnips, turnips, etc.
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
5 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, preferably warmed
10 sprigs fresh parsley, more or less
1 C cored, peeled, seeded, and chopped tomatoes (canned are fine; include their juice)
Freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Place 3 T of the oil in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium. A minute later, add the onion and carrot. Cook, stirring, until the onion softens, about 5 minutes. Add the ham if you're using it and cook, stirring, another 3 minutes.
Add the remaining vegetables, season with salt & pepper (go easy on the salt if you've included ham), and cook, stirring, for 1 minute. Add the stock or water, parsley, and tomatoes and turn the heat to medium-low. Cook, stirring every now and then, until the vegetables are very soft, about 30 minutes.
Sprinkle with the remaining olive oil and serve, passing the cheese at the table.

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS

Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.

Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.

2 quick jokes - military related

The army medicel officer was testing a base's water supply: "What precautions do you take against infection"? he asked the sargent in charge.

"We first boil the water,Sir," said the sargent.

"Good then"?

"We filter it."

"Excellent,then?"

"Then to be safe,we drink beer."
----------------------------------------------------------
Conversation between two eagles flying high in the sky when they see a jet

aircraft speeding by:

First Eagle: Wow,just look at the bird fly!

Second Eagle: So would you if your tail was on fire!

Humour: Therapy for a depressed man

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've
got to help me. I can't go on like this. "

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter
how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your
self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom
mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an
attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll
have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit
excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression
on his face.

" Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked all right. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the
best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does ."

Humour: Dispute between a big city lawyer and others

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old
rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which
the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by
the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the
back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him
aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best
selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was
asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on
you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the
fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that
morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little
worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home
this morning."

Humour: A couple before a counselor for divorce proceedings

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."

The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"

"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."

"What about my furniture? I paid for that."

"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."

There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"

That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."

The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."

Humour: Love based on reactions from children

Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

Humour: A conversation between a catholic priest and a rabbi

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.

"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop... maybe within the next couple of years."

"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"

"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop... given luck and God's blessing."

"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"

"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."

"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"

The priest smiles, "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope... but I'm hardly likely to become... hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."

"Splendid! I would take personal pride in your becoming the Pope. And after Pope what?"

The priest looks at him in surprise, "After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just God above the Pope... I can't become God."

"So why not, the Rabbi said, "one of our boys made it."

Humour: How do you know you are part of a family ..

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook people taking things out on you when, if through
no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax at any given moment,

If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then,........

You are probably the family dog.

Hospital humour: Hospital Chart Bloopers

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Software humour: A guide to software revisions

1.0:
Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror.

1.1:
We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2:
Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0:
We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, its really not what the customer needs yet, but were working on it.

2.1:
Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2:
Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you wont believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3:
Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0:
Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1:
Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0:
More features. Its doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...

Recipe: Simplest Split Pea Soup

Makes 4 to 6 servings
Time: about 1-1/2 hours

To make pea soup, you need split peas, water (or stock, or course), and croutons. Everything else is a luxury. Some of those luxuries are detailed in the variations, but you can combine them as you like.

2 C green split peas, washed & picked over
6 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Croutons

Combine the peas and the stock or water in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Turn the heat to low, cover partially, and cook, stirring occasionally, until the peas are very, very soft, about 45 minutes to 1 hour.
Mash the mixture with a fork or potato masher, or put it through a food mill or strainer, or puree it carefully in a blender. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding). Reheat, adding more stock or water if necessary to achieve the consistency you like. Season to taste and serve with croutons.

Recipe - Lentil Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: about 45 minutes

You can also make a wonderful lentil soup by adding more stock or water to Warm Lentils w/Bacon.

1 C lentils, washed & picked over
1 bay leaf
Several sprigs fresh thyme or few pinches dried thyme
1 carrot, peeled & cut into ½-inch or smaller cubes
1 celery stalk, cut into ½-inch or smaller cubes
About 6 C water or chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, preferably warmed
2 T olive oil
1 onion, chopped
1 t minced garlic
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste

Place the lentils, bay leaf, thyme, carrot, and celery in a medium pot with 6 cups of the stock. Bring to a boil, and then turn the heat to low and cook, stirring occasionally.
Meanwhile, place the olive oil in a small skillet and turn the heat to medium-low. Add the onion and cook, stirring, until it softens. Add the garlic and stir. Cook for 1 minute more.
When the lentils are tender---they usually take about 30 minutes---fish out the bay leaf and the thyme sprigs and pour the onion mixture into the soup. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.)
Add more stock if necessary; the mixture should be thick, but still quite soupy. Season with salt and pepper and serve.

Recipe - White Bean Soup w/Ham

Makes 8 or more servings
Time: at least 1-1/2 hours

Add a ham bone to White Bean soup and proceed directly to heaven.

1 ham bone or 2 or 3 smoked ham hocks
3 C navy, pea, or other dried white beans, washed & picked over
12 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water
2 medium onions, quartered
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

Place the ham bone, beans, and stock or water together in a large saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium-high; add the onions. When this boils, turn the heat down to medium-low and cover partially. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the beans are very soft and any meat falling off the bone, at least 1 hour.
Turn off the heat; remove the bone from the pot and let cool slightly. Take all the meat off the bone, chop it, and set it aside. Mash or puree the beans, then return them to the pot along with the ham.
Reheat, season to taste, garnish, and serve.

Humour: 10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're not picking anything up here.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below the neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to insure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate... When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you to expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is, "Early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

•Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

•Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns with eyesight.

•Places where there is darkness.

•Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

•Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.

•Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay.

•Hockey games are okay.

•Old folks homes are better.


Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

2 quick jokes

A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday for coffee and a chat.

They drink their coffee and then sit for hours discussing the world situation.

Usually, their discussion is very negative.

One day, Aaron surprises his friends by announcing, loud and clear,
"You know what? I've now become an optimist."

Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation dries up.

But then Sam notices something isn't quite right and he says to
Aaron, "Hold on a minute, if you're an optimist, why are you looking
so worried?"

Aaron replies, "Do you think it's easy being an optimist?"

^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-

A homeless guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."

"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show
you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender, "I've been here 20
years and I've seen everything."

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.

He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar,
down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the
keyboard and starts playing Mozart.

The hamster can really play...

"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the
bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.

"Watch this," replies the guy.

He reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog.

He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and
offers him $300 for the frog.

"It's a deal," says the guy.

He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog.

The stranger runs out of the bar.

"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing
frog for $300?

It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."

Humour: Watching It Fall

Three soldiers had just gotten out of the Army and decided to celebrate by taking a helicopter ride.

One of the soldiers is eating a banana and says, "I wonder if we'd be able to see it land if I threw the peel out?" Out the peel goes and they all watch it, but don't see it land,

One of the soldiers has a rock and says, "This is bigger, we should be able to see it land." They all watch, but don't see it land.

The last one takes a grenade out of his pocket, pulls the pin and tosses it out the door. "We'll see that when it hits!" They watch, but still nothing.

Walking home they see a little girl crying and ask her, "What's wrong".

"Well, I was walking and slipped on a banana peel that came from nowhere."

The soldiers explained what happened and are helping the girl home when they see a little boy sitting on the side of the road holding his head. They ask, "What happened?"

The boy said, "I was walking when a rock hit me on the head."

They tell the story again and start to wonder what happened to the grenade. One of them races ahead and sees an old lady laughing hysterically. He asks her, "What's so funny?"

The old lady says, "I just farted and my house blew up!"

Recipe: Tomato Soup, Three Ways

Makes 4 servings
Time: 30 minutes

Make this with fresh tomatoes in late summer. The rest of the year, use good canned tomatoes.

2 T extra-virgin olive oil or butter
1 large onion, sliced
1 carrot, peeled & diced
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
3 C cored, peeled, seeded, and chopped tomatoes (canned are fine; include their juice)
1 t fresh thyme leaves or ½ t dried thyme or 1 T minced fresh basil leaves
2 to 3 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, preferably warmed
Minced fresh parsley or basil leaves for garnish

Place the oil or butter in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium. A minute later, add the onion and carrot. Season with salt and pepper and cook, stirring, until the onion begins to soften, about 5 minutes.
Add the tomatoes and the herb and cook until the tomatoes break up, about 10 minutes. Add 2 cups of stock.
Adjust seasoning; if the mixture is too thick, add a little stock or water. Garnish and serve.


Pureed Tomato Soup

Increase the tomatoes to 4 cups and reduce the stock to 1 cup.
When the soup is done, puree it carefully in a blender or pass it through a food mill.
Reheat, garnish and serve, preferably with croutons.

Joke: The man and his parrot

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.

He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.''

''That's alright,'' the man replied.

So the man bought the parrot and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.

The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''

Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''

They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.

The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''

The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''

They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''

The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''

Then they walked into a church and sat down.

The minister was in the middle of the sermon.

He said, ''The Lord is above us.''

The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!''

The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''

The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.''

Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.

The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''

Recipe - Lower-Fat Clam or Fish Chowder

Makes 4 servings
Time: 40 minutes

If you have accumulated chunks of assorted white-fleshed fish in your freezer, this is the place to use them.

1 T olive oil
1 large onion, chopped
3 medium baking potatoes, peeled & cut into ½-inch cubes
4 C fish or chicken stock, preferably warmed
24 hard-shell clams, shucked & with their juice; or about 1 pint undrained shucked clams, cut up if very large; or about 2 C diced or cut-up fresh delicate white fish, such as cod
2 C corn kernels, preferably fresh
1 C low-fat milk
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

Place the oil in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium. A minute later, add the onion and potatoes. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the onion is soft and the potato lightly browned, about 10 minutes.
Add the stock to the potatoes and onion and cook over medium-low heat until the potatoes are just tender, about 10 minutes. Add the clams or fish chunks and corn and cook about 5 minutes. Add the milk, then salt and plenty of pepper. Garnish and serve.

What are the different types of olive oil ..

You can get confused between the different types of olive oil, so when you go to a store to get a bottle of olive oil, you will see a variety of types and colors and would certainly want more details. Here is an explanation of some of the typical varieties you might find.

Olive oils do not differ in the types or amount of fats they contain — all are pressed from tree-ripened olives. The differences lie mainly in the taste, aroma, and concentration of nutrients. Here's the breakdown:

Extra Virgin Olive Oil — This is the oil we recommend. It comes from the first pressing of the olives, so it's the least refined and therefore has the highest level of antioxidants. It's also the highest quality, most flavorful olive oil, with the lowest acid content.

Virgin Olive Oil — This comes from the second pressing of the olives and has an acidity of between one and three percent.

Light and Extra-light Olive Oil — This is simply a designation used by companies to market a less flavorful, more acidic type of oil. The term "light" means lighter in color and fragrance, not less fat or calories. These oils are generally between 90 and 95 percent refined olive oil and 5 to 10 percent virgin olive oil. They have had their color, taste, and fragrance removed by the refining process (using a chemical, usually hexane, and steam). This process also destroys the phytochemicals and antioxidants in the oil.

Recipe - Jingle Bell Fudge

12 ounces butterscotch chips
1/2 cup chunky peanut butter
2/3 cup sweetened condensed milk
1/2 cup walnuts, chopped

Combine butterscotch chips and peanut butter in top of double boiler. Place over, not boiling water until butterscotch melts; remove from water.

Stir until blended; add milk and stir just until blended.

Spread in foil-lined 8-inch square pan.

Press chopped nuts into surface, if desired, and chill until firm. Cut into 1-inch squares.

All I Need To Know I Learned From A Snowman

It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

Wearing white is always appropriate.

Winter is the best of the four seasons.

It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.

We're all made up of mostly water.

You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.

It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.

It's fun to hang out in your front yard.

There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.

Making soap at home - a site that provides some information

Link to site.

Here is a detailed site that provides lots of link to how to make soap at home, and there are a number of people who do not believe in buying soap from outside, but instead prefer to make soap from their own ingredients, where they are also confident about the quality of the ingredients used to making soap.
Some information used are:
Soap Making Basics
Types of Soap & Soap Making
Cold Process Soap Making Basics and Recipes
Melt and Pour Soap Basics and Recipes
Soap Making Books
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Media Portal - turns your PC and TV into a very advanced home media center

Site location (link)

From the site:
MediaPortal turns your PC and TV into a very advanced home media center. Our software allows you to listen to your favorite music and radio stations; watch and store your videos and DVDs; view, schedule and record live TV as a digital video recorder; and much, much more. MediaPortal is open source software. This means you can help develop MediaPortal or tweak it for your own needs with lots of innovative plugins from our great community.

MediaPortal is an Open Source application ideal for turning your PC in a very advanced Multi-Media Center / HTPC. MediaPortal allows you to listen to your favorite music & radio, watch your video's and DVD's, view, schedule and record live TV and much more.

Recipe: Amish Apple Cake

1/2 cup chopped pecans
2 1/2 cups finely chopped apples, such as Granny Smith
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup granulated sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup all-purpose flour
Hot Caramel Sauce
1/2 cup butter
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup evaporated milk

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Oil a 9-inch round cake pan. In a large bowl, cream the butter. Add the sugar and beat until fluffy. Add the egg and beat until well blended. Mix in the baking soda, salt, cinnamon and nutmeg. Add the flour and stir just until blended.
Stir in the apples and nuts. Pour into prepared cake pan and bake for 30 minutes until the top springs back when touched lightly with your finger.

Hot Caramel Sauce: In a saucepan, melt the butter, brown sugar and salt. Bring to a boil. Remove from heat and whisk in vanilla extract and milk. Serve warm sauce over cake.

Joke: 3 main characters in heaven

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left,"

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

More details about asthma - some facts and information

Meaning of the word, derived from ancient Greek. Asthma is a word meaning 'panting or shortdrawn breath'. As the word means, one of the common symptoms of an asthma patient is that they get frequent attacks of breathlessness, in between which he/she may even be completely normal. It is an allergic condition resulting from the reaction of the body to one or more allergens, and is the most troublesome of respiratory diseases.

Symptoms of asthma: Primarily, gasping for breath. Patients suffering from asthma appear to be gasping for breath. In more detail, what happens is, actually, they have more difficulty in breathing out than breathing in, and this is caused by spasms or sudden involuntary muscular contractions of the smaller air passages in the lungs.

Asthma Causes: Allergy can be caused by weather conditions, but there are other factors as well. Asthma may be caused due to an allergy caused by different factors such as weather conditions, food, drugs, perfumes, and other irritants. Allergies to dust are the most common.

Cures for asthma: Asthma treatment using Honey. Honey is one of the most common home remedies for asthma. It is said that if a jug of honey is held under the nose of an asthma patient and he inhales the air that comes into contact with it, he starts breathing easier and deeper. However, as with many natural treatments, you should not depend totally on them unless you are sure that they work.

Asthma treatment using Figs: Among fruits, figs have proved very valuable in asthma. They give comfort to the patient by draining off the phlegm. Three or four dry figs should be cleaned thoroughly with warm water and soaked overnight.

Asthma treatment using Lemon: Lemon is another fruit found beneficial in the treatment of asthma. The juice of one lemon, diluted in a glass of water and taken with meals, will bring good results.

Joke: What to do in those timeframes where hormones are very active

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you SO worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE . . . . .

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Some quick jokes

Quickies

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"

His response was, "My mother can."

The teacher replied, "Really?"

The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

___________________________________


A construction site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please raise his hand."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you raise your hand?" he asked the 10th man.

"Too much trouble," he answered.

Great truths - some posts

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Joke: The speaking parrot

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.

He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.''

''That's alright,'' the man replied.

So the man bought the parrot and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.

The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''

Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''

They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.

The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''

The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''

They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''

The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''

Then they walked into a church and sat down.

The minister was in the middle of the sermon.

He said, ''The Lord is above us.''

The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!''

The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''

The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.''

Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.

The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''

Recipe: Lightening-Quick Fish Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: 20 minutes

If you have fish stock and fish scraps in the freezer, combine them here. If not, use chicken stock or water and fresh fish.

5 C fish, chicken, or shrimp stock, or water
1 large onion, chopped
1 T minced garlic
1 t paprika
Pinch saffron (optional)
1 T extra-virgin olive oil
1 C cored, peeled, seeded, & chopped tomatoes (canned are fine; include their liquid)
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
1-1/2 lbs any white-fleshed fish, cut into small chunks, or fish mixed with shelled seafood, such as clams, shrimp, or scallops
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

Combine all the ingredients except for the fish and parsley in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to high. Bring to a boil, then turn the heat to medium and cook fro 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.
Add the fish and cook, stirring, until it cooks through, about 5 minutes. Garnish and serve.

Soup: Black Bean Soup

Makes 4 to 6 servings
Time: 30 minutes with precooked beans

The best way to serve this soup is to puree about half of it, then pour it back into the pot. But you can also just mash the contents of the pot with a potato masher or large fork to get a similar smooth-chunky effect.

2 T canola or other neutral oil
2 medium onions, chopped
1 T minced garlic
1 T chili powder, or to taste
3 C drained cooked black beans
4 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, preferably warmed
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
2 t freshly squeezed lime juice, or to taste
Sour cream or plain yogurt for garnish
Minced cilantro leaves for garnish

Place the oil in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium. A minute later, add the onions and cook, stirring, until softened, about 5 minutes. Stir in the garlic and chili powder and cook, stirring, another minute.
Add the beans and stock or water and season with salt and pepper. Turn the heat to medium-high and bring the soup just about to a boil. Turn the heat to medium-low and cook, stirring occasionally, for about 10 minutes. Turn off the heat.
Force half the contents of the pot through a food mill or carefully puree it in a food processor or blender; or just mash the contents with a potato masher or large fork. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.)
Add the lime juice and stir; taste and adjust seasonings as necessary. Serve, garnished with sour cream or yogurt and minced cilantro.

Recipe: Clam or Fish Chowder

Makes 4 servings
Time: 30 minutes

This becomes corn chowder simply by substituting one (or more) cups of fresh corn kernels for the clams or fish. Better still; just add some fresh corn along with the fish. I sometimes use flour in this recipe, simply because most people are used to very thick chowders; but it isn't necessary.

4 to 6 slices good bacon (about ¼ lb), minced
1 C minced onion
2 C peeled & roughly chopped baking potatoes
2 T flour (optional)
1 t fresh thyme leaves or ½ t dried thyme
2 C any chicken or fish stock, augmented by as much juice as you can salvage when opening the clams
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
1 C milk
1 C heavy cream or half-and-half or more milk
24 hard-shell clams, shucked; or about 1 pint shucked clams, cut up if very large, with their juice; or about 2 C diced or chunked fresh delicate white fish, such as cod
1 T butter
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

Fry the bacon in a large, deep saucepan or casserole over medium-high heat until crisp. Remove with a slotted spoon and cook the onion and potatoes in the bacon fat until the onion softens, 10 minutes. Sprinkle with the optional flour and the thyme and stir. Add the stock and cook until the potatoes are tender, about 10 minutes. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.)
Add salt and pepper, then the milk and cream; add the clams or fish and bring barely to a simmer over low heat. Float the butter on top of the chowder; by the time it melts, the clams or fish will be ready. Garnish and serve.

Recipe: Shrimp Soup w/Cumin

Makes 4 servings
Time: 45 minutes

1 to 1-1/4 lbs shrimp, shells on
5 C shrimp or chicken stock, or water
¼ C extra-virgin olive oil
4 cloves garlic, peeled
4 thick slices French or Italian bread
1 t ground cumin
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

Peel the shrimp and simmer the shells in a medium saucepan with the stock or water while you continue with the recipe.
Place the olive oil in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium. Add the garlic cloves and cook, stirring occasionally, until they are a very deep golden, almost brown, about 10 minutes. Remove them with a slotted spoon and set aside to cool.
Turn the heat to low and brown the bread in the oil on both sides, in batches if necessary; it will take about 5 minutes. Remove the slices and spread each with about ½ clove of the cooked garlic. Mince the remaining garlic.
Cut each of the shrimp into 3 or 4 pieces. Strain the warmed stock into the casserole, turn the heat to medium, and bring to a gentle boil. Add the shrimp, cumin, salt, and pepper, and cook over low heat for 3 or 4 minutes.
Place a piece of bread in each of four bowls, then ladle in a portion of soup with shrimp. Sprinkle with the minced garlic, garnish, and serve.

Top Eleven Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same Since Broke Back Mountain

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"

Adult Joke: Trying to fool the machine into giving an improper analysis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Joke: Billy Bob's widow goes to write a obituary for her beloved dead husband

A older woman down south goes into the local newspaper office to see that
the obituary for her recently deceased husband is properly written. (She had
always been known for her accuracy to details, second only to her famous
sense of thrift.) Only his beloved pickup truck remained to remind her of
his presence.

The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a
word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Billy
Bob died."

Although amused at the woman's cleverness, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am
there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

This causes her to become only a little flustered, so she thinks things over
for a few seconds. "In that case," she says, "let it read, 'Billy Bob died,
1983 Pickup for sale.'"

Joke: The man escapes from prison after 15 years, and his instincts are ..

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Joke: How to tell who gate crashed the party

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.
Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.

The He smiled and said

-

-

-

"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party"

Joke: Polish guy complaining of wife trying to kill him

One day an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"

Enjoy: Some more weird laws and humour related to it

In Athens, Greece, a driver's license can be lifted by the law if the driver is deemed either 'poorly dressed' or 'unbathed'.

On the island of Jersey it's against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

In Alabama it is illegal to carry a comb in your pocket, because it may be used as a weapon. This comes after a 13 year old boy was killed when he was stabbed with a comb.

In Michigan, it is illegal to chain an alligator to a fire hydrant.

It is against the law to whale hunt in Oklahoma.

In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal for a moose to walk on the side walk. This dates back to the early days if the town when the owner of the bar had a pet moose that he used to get drunk. The moose would then stumble around the town drunk. The only way the law makers could prevent this from happining was to create the law so the moose could not cross the sidewalk and get into the bar.

In Quebec, Canada, an old law states that margarine must be a different colour from butter. This law is the result of Quebec dairy lobbyists' pressure to ''protect'' their dairy business. They claimed margarine was beginning to resemble butter, as to be mistaken for real butter. Make margarine unattractive, and consumers would stick to butter. The Quebec government caved in, and tried to impose a dark vermilion-coloured margarine, which was disgusting. The colour, finally, at the other extreme, is a pallid almost-white-colourless margarine.

According to a british law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offense. Offenders could be hanged for trying.

It is illegal to sell an ET doll in France. They have a law forbidding the sale of dolls that do not have human faces.

Site: ideone.com - online compiler and debugging tool

website: http://ideone.com (link)

What is ideone?
Ideone is something more than a pastebin; it's an online compiler and debugging tool which allows
to compile and run code online in more than 40 programming languages.

How to use ideone?
Choose a programming language, paste your source code and input data into text boxes. Then check or uncheck run code (whether to execute your program) and private (whether not to list your paste in the recent pastes page) checkboxes, click the submit button and watch your snippet being executed.

Humour: 25 SIGNS YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find a single one to save your sole.

Humour: 25 SIGNS THAT YOU ARE ONLINE TOO MUCH...

1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.

3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.

4. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can order pizza.

5. You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.

6. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.

7. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.

8. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word "i" should be capitalized.

9. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.

10. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

11. You stop speaking in full sentences.

12. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

13. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

14. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

15. You double click your TV remote.

16. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.

17. You dream in "text".

18. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.

19. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.

20. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

21. You type faster than you think.

22. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

23 . When someone asks, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"

24. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

25. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

Joke: Maybe trying again is the best option

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, 'You can try again.'

Humour: Why Some Americans Should Not Be Let Out Of The Country (Actual comments from US travel agents......)

1). I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get
messed up by being near the window.

2). A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

3). I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... clicks.

4). A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on
the map and Florida is a very thin state."

5). I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

6). Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the Gates to save time."

7). A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

8). A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

9). I just got off the telephone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10). A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

11). A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked
and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

12). A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the
agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"