Resizing your photos - Webresizer

The web demands richness, and having images in posts and on pages is one way to ensure that the content is rich and attractive to users. However, for those users who are not good at using desktop imaging tools, the very thought of putting images into a page elicits the fear of alignment problems, about the size of the image and so on. How often has it happenad that a page that has been beautifully laid out somehow seems totally out of whack when an image is introduced ? Don't you just hate it when that happens, and would prefer that there was a simple way of ensuring that your images are of the right size when you are putting them in the page.
Further, images can be large, and increase the amount of time that your viewers have to take to load your pages, and you certainly don't want your users to have to struggle to load your site, because there is a chance that they would get frustrated and leave even before the page has been fully loaded.
Well, here is a free online tool that helps you do that.
http://webresizer.com/
And what all can you do with this tool ? You can:
- reduce image size
- crop photos
- sharpen
- resize - change width and height
- rotate
- adjust contrast, brightness, saturation
- convert photo to black and white
- add a border

Brewing it, Western style

The flavor of oolong teas improves with multiple infusions, but it's possible to enjoy the teas brewed just once. Here is a simple guide.

• Examine the leaves: They should be whole and of a consistent size, preferably about an inch long. Importer Michael Harney says that if the leaves are less than a quarter-inch long, the tea is inferior. Small, chopped leaves lead to a blunt, brisk taste. The leaves should also have a delicate fragrance.

• Measure the tea: For an 8-ounce cup, measure 1 rounded teaspoon of leaves (about 2 to 3 grams). Use filtered or spring water; the chlorine and other chemicals in tap water can affect the taste. For oolongs, the water should be between 205 and 212 degrees. It's best to bring the water just short of boiling, or boil the water and let it cool about two minutes before pouring over the leaves.

• Brew the tea: Every tea requires its own brewing time, which usually will be specified on the package. On average, a pot of oolong, brewed Western style, will take between 2 and 4 minutes. When made in small, traditional Chinese pots, the leaves steep for a maximum of 90 seconds.

Recipe: Whole Roasted Citrus Chicken

Brine:

1 quart water

1 cup sugar

1/3 cup kosher salt

1 Tbl black pepper, freshly ground

2 oranges

2 lemons

2 limes

1 whole chicken, 3 1/2-4 pounds

1 orange, cut into quarters

1 lemon, cut into quarters

1 lime, cut into quarters

1/2 cup yellow onion, small dice

1 tsp fresh garlic minced

1 Tbl fresh thyme, chopped

2-3 Tbl olive oil

2 tsp poultry seasoning

1 Tbl fresh ground black pepper

Place the water, sugar, salt and black pepper in a saucepot and bring to a simmer to dissolve sugar and salt. Remove from heat. Using a vegetable peeler, remove only the outer skin from the first 2 oranges, lemons and limes, be careful not to get any of the pith (white part of the peel). Add the peelings to the brine. Squeeze all of the juice from the peeled citrus and add the juice to the brine. Place the brine in the refrigerator and allow to cool completely.

Remove giblets and neck from the chicken and submerge the chicken in the brine. Cover and refrigerate overnight. Remove chicken from the brine and, using a paper towel, dry all surfaces of the chicken, including the cavity area.

Combine the orange, lemon and lime with the diced onions, minced garlic and fresh thyme. Stuff the citrus-onion mixture into the cavity of the chicken.

Brush the skin of the chicken with olive oil and sprinkle the skin with poultry seasoning and black pepper. Tie the legs together, and bend the wings back to secure them.

Prepare the grill. Cook with the breast side up over indirect medium heat until the juices run clear, or until an internal temperature of 170 degrees at the thickest part of the thigh is reached, approximately 1 1/4-1 1/2 hours.

Place the chicken on a cutting board and allow it to rest for 10-12 minutes before carving.

Serve hot.

Yield: 4 servings

Baking Tips

* Use one Tablespoon (3 teaspoons) of regular active dry yeast to replace cake yeast in recipes.

* When making a cake, have all of your ingredients at room temperature.

* You should leave 2 inches of space between the oven walls and your baking sheet for good circulation.

* Substitute 3/4 cup cocoa (unsweetened) and 1/4 cup Crisco for 4 squares (ounces) of chocolate.

Tip: Freezing Onions

If you like cooking with fresh onions, but frequently toss an unused portion, try freezing it! The following method works for fully mature onions:

1. Wash, peel and chop raw, fully mature onions into about 1/2" pieces. There is no need to blanch onions.

2. Bag and freeze in freezer bags for best quality and odor protection.
Package -- flat -- in freezer bags to hasten freezing and make it easier to break off
sections as needed. Express out the air and place bags on cookie sheets or metal pans until onions are frozen. Then, restack bags to take up less room.

3. Use in cooked products, such as soups and stews, ground meat mixtures, casseroles, etc. For most dishes, frozen onions may be used with little or no thawing. (Will keep 3-6 months.)

Humour: Idiots, they are out there, beware!

Idiot Number One

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that
she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right
away.

Here's your Idiot Sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Idiot Number Two

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747's. They were successful in getting it out of
the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,
they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your Idiot Sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Idiot Number Three

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and
wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting
to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him
write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells
Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't
the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back
to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a
few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's Idiot Sign. He probably couldn't read it
anyway.

Idiot Number Four
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy..

But you still get a Idiot Sign

Idiot Number Five
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's
license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over
and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the
bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the
robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours
later.

This guy definitely needs a Idiot Sign.

Idiot Number Six

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!'

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a Idiot Sign.

Idiot Number Seven

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor
store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on
videotape.

Yep, here's your Idiot Sign.

Idiot Number Eight

I live in a semi-rural area. (Weyauwega, Wisconsin). We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think
this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Humour: Importance Of Proof Reading

* IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction:
on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

* It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

* There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

* There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

* In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

* Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

* In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

* Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on the front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

* In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

* The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

Adult Joke: Who is the virgin

The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.

"Brothers, sisters," he said solemnly, "it has come to my attention that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in ourfair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."

Not a woman stirred.

The priest said, "I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so. Young women, I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins."

And still not a woman stirred.

Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? This is an order from the Almighty: Let all virgins stand!"

And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.

The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby, then said, "Young woman, I'm asking the virgins to stand."

And the young lady answered indignantly, "Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself...?"

Adult Joke: Getting a discount

Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. "Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab."

When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he's at her side.

"That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?"

After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm a professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars. Now, if that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."

"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go upstairs."

When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering. There's something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish."

"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount."

"Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making any profit!"

Adult Joke: The all knowing parrot

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black."

One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black."

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his perch.

Then, after a while, the Parrot said, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

Adult joke: Laughing at a patient

Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they ever laughed at their patients' problems.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.

'Okay then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

It's swollen,' Scott replied

Yearbook - Online page building program - eDesign

Located at this site, http://www.yearbooks.biz/eDesign/

From the site:

If you've been wishing you could...
plan and design your book at your convenience, monitor the status of your yearbook pages, flip through the pages to view the book as it will appear, use pre-designed layouts and pop-ins or create your own designs, submit prints or upload photos directly from your computer, organize and sort digital images, create rectangular, oval, star and polygon shaped photo boxes, apply colors to text by paragraphs, words or even a single letter at a time, apply styles to text to help ensure consistency and simplify font changes, copy and paste text from outside word processing programs, spell check annoying typos before they become proof corrections, use nonprinting sticky notes to communicate with other users, use up to 30 undos to make page editing easy

...your dreams have just come true!

There were a thousand reasons not to stop

I was running late for a very important... well, whatever it was that I was running late for that day. The freeway was busy -- I might have caused an accident or something. Surely the Highway Patrol would be along soon, and it's their job to help stranded motorists, isn't it? And I had on my navy blue suit, with a light blue shirt and a silk tie. Not exactly car-fixing clothes, you know?

Let's see -- that makes 1,004 reasons not to stop. And here's 1,005: I am the world's worst auto mechanic. Public enemy No. 1 on the AAA's Ten Most Wanted list. Mr. WhatsaWrench.

The first time I tried to change my car's oil myself I did fine until I forgot to put the new oil in. The boys down at the garage had a big laugh over that one. The next time, I remembered to put in the new oil -- only I put it in the transmission. That triggered a letter from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Chryslers. They suggested I get a horse.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. God has given me other talents to use for the benefit of mankind. But I'm not sure how much it would have helped that lady who was stranded by the side of the freeway if I would have pulled over and belched on cue.

So I didn't pull over. I drove on by, just like hundreds of other drivers on the freeway that day. And I felt guilty about it.

So I turned off at the next exit and made my way back to see if I could at least give her a lift or something. But by the time I got back to her, an Hispanic gentleman had pulled in behind her, and was tinkering away at her car's engine like he knew what he was doing.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" I asked.

"No, thank you," the lady replied. "This nice man says he can fix it."

At that moment, a voice from under the hood shouted: "Okay, try it now!"

The woman reached for the key and turned it. The engine started beautifully. "It was your serpentine belt," the man explained, wiping his hands on his pants. "It slipped off. It's pretty worn. You want to take that to a mechanic, get a new one put on."

The woman tried to give the freeway Samaritan some money, but he declined and waved as she drove off. It wasn't until we started walking toward our cars that I noticed he had five more reasons not to stop than I did; his family was sitting in the station wagon, waiting patiently.

"Do you stop and help people like this often?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Somebody has to," he said. "What's she going to do if nobody helps?"

And for him, that was reason enough.

In his final sermon, given the night before his assassination, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. took as his text the Biblical parable of the Good Samaritan. In the story, a man is attacked by thieves and left by the roadside. Several travelers happen upon him, but they pass by. Eventually, someone does stop to help, although it is the one person who might have had a reason not to. He is a Samaritan and the victim is a Jew. Those folks didn't get along any better back then than they do now.

According to Dr. King, those who passed by the injured man were asking themselves the wrong question: "If I help this man, what will happen to me?"

The Good Samaritan stopped to help because he asked the right question: "If I don't help this man, what will happen to him?"

Law of Biomechanics - which is your favourite one...? ;o)

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Web resizer

Many times, when you need to post an image online, you need to scale down the image. If the image has been shot from a camera that has a high mega-pixel count, then you cannot just post the image live. It needs to have some effort to reduce the size of the image so that it can fit into the web page, or make it more convenient to send the image to someone.
A site that can help out in this is called http://webresizer.com/

Features:
reduce image size
crop photos
sharpen
resize - change width and height
rotate
adjust contrast, brightness, saturation
convert photo to black and white
add a border
no registration required
free!

Joke: Who Am I?

One Monday morning, a mailman was walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approached one of the houses, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. He was wondering why the couple was home on a workday.

Just then, Bob, the homeowner, came out with a recycling bin full of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman commented.

Bob, still feeling cranky from the weekend, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 AM Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"

"How do you play that?" the mailman asked.

Bob answered, "Well that's when all us guys go in the bedroom and take off our clothes. Then we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through the opening in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughed and said, "Damn! I'm sorry I missed that!"

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob said. "Your name came up four or five times."

Joke: TWO OLD MEN

Two very elderly friends, Max and Ralph met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Ralph didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figuring maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Ralph hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore was at the park, and Max could not remember where Ralph lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and max figured old ralph had gone to his heavenly reward. but one day Max went to the park and, lo and behold, there sat Ralph.

Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Ralph, what happened to you???"

Ralph replied, "I have been in jail."

Jail???," cried Max! "What in the world for???"

"Well," Ralph said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we get coffee sometimes?"

"Yeah," said Max, "I remember her. what about her?"

"Well, one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pleaded 'Guilty'".

The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

Joke: Cowboy Boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on
a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big
feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.

Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Joke: The Auction

The upstate NY man was rich in almost every way. His estate was worth millions. He owned houses, land, antiques and cattle. But though on the outside he had it all, he was very unhappy on the inside. His wife was growing old, and the couple was childless. He had always wanted a little boy to carry on the family legacy.

Miraculously, his wife became pregnant in her later years, and she gave birth to a little boy. The boy was severely handicapped, but the man loved him with his whole heart. When the boy was five, his Mom died.

The Dad drew closer to his special son. At age 13, the boy's birth defects cost him his life and the father died soon after from a broken heart.

The estate was auctioned before hundreds of bidders. The first item offered was a painting of the boy. No one bid. They waited like vultures for the riches. Finally, the poor housemaid, who helped raise the boy offered $5 for the picture and easily took the bid.

To everyone's shock, the auctioneer ripped a hand written will from the back of the picture. This is what it said: "To the person who thinks enough of my son to buy this painting, to this person I give my entire estate." The auction was over. The greedy crowd walked away in shock and dismay.

How many of us have sought after what we thought were true riches only to find out later that our Father was prepared to give us His entire estate if we had only sought after His Son alone?

Joke: MINISTER

A minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

Great site for Wall Street, IT, and other inside news

We are all used to having sites that give us news about what companies in the finance field (banks, investment banks), IT companies, auto-makers, etc all have to say officially. Sometimes the various news will report about what companies are going to do; but in these current bad times, what people really need is to also read sites that give inside news; what actually is happening in these companies and in the overall economy. So, a site that promises all this is a site called http://clusterstock.alleyinsider.com/

Aviary is now live

Aviary has gone live at: http://aviary.com/tools

They position it as: "Aviary is a suite of powerful creative applications that you can use right in your web browser. We're on a mission to make creation accessible to artists of all genres, from graphic design to audio editing. Sign up for an account today to start creating, sharing, and collaborating with our community of artists. Aviary currently includes a photoshop-like image editor, an Illustrator-like vector editing tool for making logos, a filter and effects laboratory, and swatch creator to help you match colors! If you have ever wanted to make Worth1000-quality image but can't afford Adobe prices, now you finally can! Best of all, it's based in your browser, so you can use it from any computer without having to install any software!"

Pricing: Free saving up to 50 creations in any of the tools with a small watermark. $95/year for their image editing service with 50 saved creations in the other tools, and $179/year (intro $99) for the complete suite. "Our paid plans are incredibly affordable, especially when compared with traditional desktop software that can costs thousands of dollars."

Quick jokes

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

"Yes sir," the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

______________________________

A fellow was walking along a country road and came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer and asked how long it would take him to get to the next town.

The farmer didn't answer. So, after waiting a bit, the fellow started walking again.

After the man had gone about 100 yards, the farmer yelled, "About 20 minutes."

Confused, the man turned back toward the farmer and inquired, "Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Well," said the farmer, "I didn't know how fast you could walk."

Joke: Exercise For The Over 50 Crowd

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks. Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

Recipe calls for scalded milk

Many older recipes called for you to scald milk, that is, to bring
it nearly to a boil (185°F, or more), preferably in a thick-bottomed
pan, and stirring actively, to keep a protein skin from forming on
the surface and keep the proteins and sugar from sticking to the
bottom. Scalding served two purposes, to kill potentially harmful
bacteria in the milk, and to destroy enzymes that keep the milk from
thickening in recipes. Pasteurization, however, accomplishes both of
those goals, and since almost all store-bought milk in Western
countries is pasteurized these days, scalding is essentially an
unnecessary step.

Some bakers recommend that you scald milk before using it in breads,
because there is a protein in the whey that marginally reduces the
volume of a loaf of bread as it rises and bakes. This is especially
noticeable with the use of nonfat dry milk, and it appears that the
amount of milk used really matters. That is, in relatively small
quantity, the use of unscalded milk seems to have no negative effect
on the formation of the loaf.

Another reason some recipes continue to call for scalded milk is
that they simply want you to heat the milk first, as it will speed
the cooking process, help melt butter, dissolve sugar more easily,
etc.

To help keep a scalding project from turning into a scorching one,
try some of these tips:

Rinse your pan with cold water before adding and heating the milk,
keep the heat to medium and stir attentively.
Heat the milk in a double boiler and stir occasionally.
Heat the milk in a heat-proof glass container in a microwave oven.

Joke: A wee bit pregnant

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter, he met a farmer who had three stunningly gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. He explained his mission to the farmer, asking permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." So the man took the first daughter out on a date.

The next day, the farmer asked the man for his opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man took the second daughter out on a date.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might get better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" and they were married right away.

Months later, a baby was born. When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified! The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer. "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pregnant when you met her."

Little Known Illnesses

AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.

DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.

VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your
credit limit.

SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.

ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.

OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

Humour:

I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline who has it's call center in
Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

Unusual phobias:

Alektorophobia - fear of chickens

Aulophobia - fear of a flute

Clinophobia - fear of going to bed

Ecclesiaphobia - fear of churches

Eisoptrophobia - fear of mirrors

Eeniophobia - fear of chins

Genuphobia - fear of knees

Gymnotophobia - fear of nudity

Ichthyophobia - fear of fish

Levophobia - fear of the left side

Linonophobia - fear of string

Meteorophobia - fear of being hit by meteor

Nephelophobia - fear of clouds

Odontophobia - fear of teeth

Ouranophobia - fear of heaven

Pediophobia - fear of dolls

Pogonophobia - fear of beards

Siderophobia - fear of starts

Stygiophobia - fear of hell

Triskaidekaphobia - fear of the number 13

Adult Joke: THREE FRIENDS

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.

A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.

"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

THAT'S MY CHICKEN

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.

The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs; I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings; I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it.

He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

BIKE FOR SALE ...

Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive)

It's been adult ridden and all wheels have always been on the ground. I used it as a cruiser/commuter.

I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of my loving wife.

Apparently, "Do whatever you want!" doesn't mean what I thought.

Joke: YOU SAVED WHO

In NORTH WAZIRISTAN a helicopter was cruising fast at tree top level when the engine quit, too low to auto-rotate, the helicopter plunged into a small lake where three boys happened to be fishing.

The boys who were at the lake saw the whole thing happen. They swam to the site of the crash, looked in the wreckage and saw that the pilot and copilot were both dead. The lone passenger was unconscious and barely alive. They pulled him out, took him to shore, and gave him artificial respiration - saving his life.

Within a few minutes there were several helicopters circling the area and one of them landed.

A guy got out who seemed to be in charge and came up to the boys, he congratulated them for saving President Asif Ali Zardari!

"Boys," said the man, " you just saved the leader of our country! You each deserve a reward. You name it, and I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "I really want a pair of Nike Air Shoaib's."

The man replied, "Shoaib Akhtar is a close personal friend of mine. I'll get everyone in your family 10 pairs of Nike's each.

The second boy said, "I'd like to go to Patriata."

The man said, "I know Shahbaz Sharif very well. I'll see that your entire family has an all expense paid trip to Patriata.

The man turns to the third boy and asked what he would like.

The boy answered saying, "I'd like a mahogany wood coffin, bagpipe music and a fly over by the F 16s at my funeral service."

"Funeral service?" asked the puzzled man. "What in the world are you talking about?"

The kid replied "When my father finds out who I saved he's going to kill me!"

SEVEN Degrees Of Blonde...

FIRST DEGREE.

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE.
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says,
'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,
'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE.
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells,
'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies,
'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE.
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says,
'Go ahead, ask me... I know 'em all.'
A friend says,
'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies,
'Oh, that's easy. Its W.'

FIFTH DEGREE.
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE.
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'

SEVENTH DEGREE.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND COP!'

New joke

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it
(being a member for quite some time).

They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled
"21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later
someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up.

Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing
at the numbers being called out?"

His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many
years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke
you just call out a number."

Phil nodded and said, "Can I try?"

His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club
roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15
minutes after.

"Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend
said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."

Joke: SENIORS' SPECIAL

An old couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," the wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!"

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," the wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS.. THEY'VE BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME!!

TOP TEN REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX.....

#10.. A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7... Foursomes are encouraged.

#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5... Three times a day is possible.

#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost everyday.

#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the number one reason why golf is better than sex....

#1... If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Joke: Noisy Neighbor

Young Jock McTavish from Glasgow went to study at a university in England and was living in the hall of residence. After a week his mother rang him. "How do you get along with the other students, Jock?" she asked.

"Well," he replied, "they are terribly noisy people. The one on one side keeps banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams all night."

"Oh Jock!" said his mother. "How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?"

"I don't do anything. I just sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes!"

Recipe: Fried Chicken Wonton

Ingredients

Chicken 100 gm
Spring roll sheet 8 pcs
Spring onion 10 gm
Ginger 10gm
Salt ½ t/sp
Cooking wine 1t/sp
Sesame oil ½ t/sp
Cooking oil 200gm
White flour 10gm

Method

1) Put minced chicken, salt, cooking wine, water and sesame oil.

2) Take spring roll sheet and cut into 4 pcs.

3) Add little water in white flour and prepare a batter.

4) Put chicken in the spring roll sheet, use flour and wrap it.

5) When the oil is hot, deep fry wonton until golden colour.

Some quick jokes

Rushing to a bridge tournament, I was pulled over for going 43 in a 35 M.P.H. zone.

"What'll I tell my husband?" I worried, explaining to the police officer that he was a self-described "perfect" driver.

The cop took a second look at the name and address on my license. "Did your husband go duck hunting this morning?"

"Yes," I said, baffled as to how he knew.

The officer finished with, "I stopped him for going 47."

______________________________

"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then, the door flew open and in bounced George.

"You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met old man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."

______________________________

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?''

''No. You had your chance.''

A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?''

''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''

''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?''

Joke: He's Got It Covered

An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."

They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."

The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."

"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.

"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."

Joke: Shoe Shopping

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8.

The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."

"Just bring me a size eight!" the man replies.

The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house because of foreclosure, I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."

Some recipes

Spaghetti Sauce
31⁄2 pounds ground chuck
1 medium onion, chopped
1⁄2 bell pepper, chopped
2 (1-quart) jars tomato basil spaghetti sauce
1 (15-ounce) can tomato sauce
1 small can sliced mushrooms
1 packet McCormick spaghetti sauce mix
1⁄2 teaspoon liquid garlic
11⁄2 cups water
Salt and pepper
Angel hair pasta
In a Dutch oven, cook ground beef until done. Drain well. Return beef to pot and add remaining ingredients. Simmer 45 minutes to 1 hour, until onions and peppers are done. Serve over angel hair pasta.

Potato Salad
8 cups cubed potatoes, boiled
6 eggs, boiled and chopped
1⁄2 cup chopped onion
1⁄2 cup chopped sweet pickles
1 small jar pimiento
1 tablespoon prepared mustard
1⁄2 cup mayonnaise
Salt and pepper
When potatoes and eggs are cool, combine them with remaining ingredients and mix well. Serve warm or refrigerate.

Chocolate Mounds Cake
1 box devil's food cake mix
1 cup sugar
1 cup evaporated milk
15 large marshmallows
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups frozen coconut
Icing
1 (1-pound) box confectioner's sugar
1 stick margarine, softened
1⁄2 cup cocoa
1⁄4 to 1⁄2 cup evaporated milk
Prepare cake as directed on the box in two layers. When layers are cool enough to handle, slice in half with an electric knife to make 4 layers. Combine sugar, milk and marshmallows in a heavy saucepan. Bring to a boil, then cook 5 minutes stirring constantly. Remove from heat; stir in vanilla and coconut. Let cool, then spread between layers (on the cut side of the layers). Do not put any on top layer.
For the icing, combine confectioner's sugar, margarine, cocoa and milk. Beat with a mixer until creamy. Spread on top and sides of cake.

Butternut Pound Cake
1 box Duncan Hines butter recipe cake mix
1 cup sour cream
4 eggs
1⁄3 cup vegetable oil
1⁄4 cup water
1⁄4 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon Superior vanilla, butter and nut flavoring

Icing
1 (8-ounce) block cream cheese
1⁄2 stick margarine
1 (1-pound) box confectioner's sugar
1 tablespoon Superior vanilla, butter and nut flavoring
1 cup chopped pecans
Grease and flour a 10-inch tube pan. Put all cake ingredients in a bowl and mix well. Beat for 6 minutes at high speed. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes to 1 hour or until done. Let cool before icing.
For the icing, soften cream cheese and margarine. Blend in sugar and flavoring. Add nuts, then spread on cake.

Mother's Banana Pudding
5 eggs
1 stick margarine, softened
4 tablespoons flour
11⁄2 cups sugar
1 can evaporated milk, divided, plus one can water
3 cups whole milk
1 teaspoon vanilla flavoring
6 bananas, sliced
1 bag vanilla wafers
6 tablespoons sugar
1⁄2 teaspoon cream of tartar
Separate eggs and save the whites for meringue.
Combine egg yolks, margarine, flour and sugar with 1⁄2 can evaporated milk. Stir until well blended. Add remaining 1⁄2 can milk, a can of water, whole milk and vanilla. Cook over medium heat until thickened.
Layer bananas and wafers in a casserole dish. Cover with cooked mixture. Beat egg whites with sugar and cream of tartar until soft peaks form. Spread meringue over filling. Bake at 350 degrees until meringue is lightly browned.

Short jokes

Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest
equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly
drove a brand-new ball into the woods.

On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake.

On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.

"I've never had an old ball," Morris said.

QUIZ CONTESTANTS CONTINUED

National Lottery Jet Set

Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by
the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?

Family Fortunes

1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword

2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the Capital of France? F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitlers first name? Heil

8) A famous Scotsman? Jock

9) Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate

19) A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs? The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac? April

22) Something people might be allergic to? Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep

24) Something you put on walls? A roof

25) Something Slippery? A conman

26) A kind of ache? A fillet of fish

27) A Jacket Potato topping? Jam

28) A food that can be brown or white? A potato

29) Something sold by gypsies? Bananas

30) Something Red? My sweater

2-Spyware.com project

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People injured in nuclear accidents

Nuclear power plants are generally touted to be safe (with the exception of Chernobyl or Three Mile), but like any other facility, there have been accidents in which people have been injured. Link to read: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Criticality_accident

A criticality accident, sometimes referred to as an excursion or a power excursion, occurs when a nuclear chain reaction accidentally occurs in fissile material, such as enriched uranium or plutonium. This releases neutron radiation which is highly dangerous to surrounding personnel and causes induced radioactivity in the surroundings.
Nuclear fission normally is supposed to occur inside reactor cores and inside some test facilities. However, if fission occurs due to an accidental cause, such as a criticality accident, the radiation emitted poses a high risk of serious injury or even death to workers up to at least 20 metres (66 feet) away. Although dangerous, the low densities of fissile material and the long insertion time involved in these events limit the fission yield and peak power, preventing them from becoming a large scale nuclear explosion.

Criticality can be achieved by using metallic uranium or plutonium or by mixing compounds or liquid solutions of these elements. The isotopic mix, the shape of the material, the chemical composition of solutions, compounds, alloys, composite materials, and the surrounding materials all influence whether the material will go critical, i.e., sustain a chain reaction.
The calculations that predict the likelihood of a material going into a critical state can be complex, so both civil and military installations that handle fissile materials employ specially trained criticality officers to monitor operations and prevent criticality accidents

Coal combustion releases radioactive substances

More information at this location: http://www.ornl.gov/info/ornlreview/rev26-34/text/colmain.html

Today 52% of the capacity for generating electricity in the United States is fueled by coal, compared with 14.8% for nuclear energy. Although there are economic justifications for this preference, it is surprising for two reasons. First, coal combustion produces carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases that are suspected to cause climatic warming, and it is a source of sulfur oxides and nitrogen oxides, which are harmful to human health and may be largely responsible for acid rain. Second, although not as well known, releases from coal combustion contain naturally occurring radioactive materials--mainly, uranium and thorium.

The fact that coal-fired power plants throughout the world are the major sources of radioactive materials released to the environment has several implications. It suggests that coal combustion is more hazardous to health than nuclear power and that it adds to the background radiation burden even more than does nuclear power. It also suggests that if radiation emissions from coal plants were regulated, their capital and operating costs would increase, making coal-fired power less economically competitive.

Finally, radioactive elements released in coal ash and exhaust produced by coal combustion contain fissionable fuels and much larger quantities of fertile materials that can be bred into fuels by absorption of neutrons, including those generated in the air by bombardment of oxygen, nitrogen, and other nuclei with cosmic rays; such fissionable and fertile materials can be recovered from coal ash using known technologies. These nuclear materials have growing value to private concerns and governments that may want to market them for fueling nuclear power plants. However, they are also available to those interested in accumulating material for nuclear weapons. A solution to this potential problem may be to encourage electric utilities to process coal ash and use new trapping technologies on coal combustion exhaust to isolate and collect valuable metals, such as iron and aluminum, and available nuclear fuels.

Accelerator-driven Nuclear Energy

More information at this site: http://www.world-nuclear.org/info/inf35.html

- Powerful accelerators can produce neutrons by spallation.
- This process may be linked to conventional nuclear reactor technology in Accelerator-Driven Systems (ADS) to transmute long-lived radioisotopes in used nuclear fuel into shorter-lived fission products.
- There is also increasing interest in the application of ADS to running subcritical nuclear reactors, powered by thorium.

The essence of a conventional nuclear reactor is the controlled fission chain reaction of U-235 and Pu-239. This produces heat which is used to make steam which drives a turbine. The chain reaction depends on having a surplus of neutrons to keep it going (a U-235 fission requires one neutron input and produces on average 2.43 neutrons).

For many years there has been interest in utilising thorium (Th-232) as a nuclear fuel since it is three to five times as abundant in the Earth's crust as uranium. Also, all of the mined thorium is potentially useable in a reactor, compared with the 0.7% of natural uranium, so some 40 times the amount of energy per unit mass might theoreticlly be available. A thorium reactor would work by having Th-232 capture a neutron to become Th-233 which decays to uranium-233, which fissions. The problem is that insufficient neutrons are generated to keep the reaction going.

More recently there has been interest in transmuting the long-lived transuranic radionuclides (actinides - neptunium, americium and curium particularly) formed by neutron capture in a conventional reactor and reporting with the high-level waste. If these could be made into shorter-lived radionuclides such as fission products, the management and eventual disposal of high-level radioactive waste would be easier and less expensive. As it is, most radionuclides (notably fission products) decay rapidly, so that their collective radioactivity is reduced to less than 0.1% of the original level 50 years after being removed from the reactor. However, a significant proportion of the separated high-level wastes is long-lived actinides.

Accelerator-driven systems (ADS) address both these issues. They are seen as safer that a normal fission reactor because they are subcritical and stop when the input current is switched off. This is because they burn material which does not have a high enough fission-to-capture ratio for neutrons to enable criticality and maintain a fission chain reaction. It may be thorium fuel, or actinides which need 'incineration'. An ADS can only run when neutrons are supplied to it.

Adult Joke: Monkey and truck driver

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that" said the trucker.

The man said "Yeah".

The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"

The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!

Some puns

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.

He who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

Definition of a will: a dead give away.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - it taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT, A REPUBLICAN OR A TEXAN?

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

----> Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the .45 have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

----> Republican's answer:

BANG!

----> Texan's answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist! '

EIGHT WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.... .. Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Intel's Graphic Processing Unit (called Larrabee)

If you want to read more about this effort, then go to the following page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larrabee_(GPU)
From this page:
Larrabee is the codename for a graphics processing unit (GPU) chip that Intel is developing separately from its current line of integrated graphics accelerators. The video card containing Larrabee is expected to compete with GeForce and Radeon products from NVIDIA and ATI respectively. Larrabee will also compete in the GPGPU and high-performance computing markets. Intel plans to have engineering samples of Larrabee ready by the end of 2008, with a video card hitting shelves in late 2009 or 2010.

Comparison with competing products:

Larrabee can be considered a hybrid between a multi-core CPU and a GPU, and has similarities to both. Its coherent cache hierarchy and x86 architecture compatibility are CPU-like, while its wide SIMD vector units and texture sampling hardware are GPU-like.

As a GPU, Larrabee will support traditional rasterized 3D graphics (DirectX/OpenGL) for games. However, Larrabee's hybrid of CPU and GPU features should be suitable for general purpose GPU (GPGPU) or stream processing tasks.[2] For example, Larrabee might perform ray tracing or physics processing,[3] in real time for games or offline for scientific research as a component of a supercomputer.[4] In the high-performance computing market Intel's CPUs are in some cases being displaced by GPGPU products like NVIDIA Tesla and AMD FireStream (for example in the #2 supercomputer on the TOP500 list[5]); Larrabee is Intel's answer to GPGPU.[6]

Larrabee's early presentation has drawn some criticism from GPU competitors. At NVISION 08, several NVIDIA employees called the Siggraph paper "marketing puff" and told the press that the Larrabee architecture was "like a GPU from 2006".

Uses of Baking Soda

Baking soda is such a versatile natural product it can be used throughout your home. It has a mild alkali property that makes it a key player in your laundry room. Baking soda can cut grease, remove dirt, brighten and refresh your clothes, as well as save your clothes from laundry mis-haps.

10 ways to use baking soda in your laundry room

1. Cut the musty smell in your hamper by sprinkling a small hand full of baking soda over your dirty clothes. The baking soda will also help clean them when you put them in the washer.
2. Boost your laundry detergent by adding 1/2 cup of baking soda to each load.
3. You can get rid of expensive dryer sheets and/or fabric softeners. Instead add 1/2 of baking soda during the rinse cycle. Your clothes will come out soft and deodorized.
4. Easily remove perspiration stains by scrubbing in a paste of baking soda and water and let sit for 1 hour, then wash. For the stubborn stains, make a paste with 4 tablespoons of baking soda and 1/4 cup of warm water. Scrub in the paste, let stand for a few minutes, and then add a little white vinegar and wash.
5. Blood stains can be removed by first, dampening the stain with warm water. Then rub in some baking soda. Finally, dab with hydrogen peroxide until the stain is gone. **Use caution with hydrogen peroxide - - it can remove color pigments.
6. Remove cigarette smoke smells from your clothes by soaking them in a baking soda solution made of 1/2 cup baking soda per gallon of water. This also works for chlorine smelling bathing suits.
7. Save your whites with baking soda. If you have washed your whites with colors and they are now dyed, you can undo the damage by soaking them in a solution of warm water, baking soda, salt and detergent.
8. Remove grease spots on polyester fabrics by rubbing dry baking soda on the stain. Just brush off and the stain will be gone.
9. Clean suede with baking soda applied with a soft brush. Let sit and brush off.
10. Remove ink stains from leather. Lay the item flat, sprinkle baking soda over the stain and let sit until ink is absorbed. You may need to repeat this technique.

Recipe: Apple Pie Cake

1/2 C shortening (I use 1/2 C butter)
1 cup sugar
1 egg
1 tsp baking soda
2 Tbs hot water
1 cup flour
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup chopped walnuts (I use pecans)
2 1/2 C peeled, cored and diced apples

Whipped cream or ice cream for serving

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Cream the shortening and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in the egg.

Sift together the flour with the cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt.

Dissolve the baking soda in the hot water.

Stir the flour and dissolved baking soda into the batter.

Fold in apples and nuts.

Turn into a greased, nine-inch pie plate.

Bake for 45 minutes or until done.

30 WAYS A WOMAN CAN HURT A MAN

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

Joke: Conservative vs. moron

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her
class of small children that she is an atheist.

She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what
atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode
into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not
gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided
to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She
asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a
Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher angrily says, "That's no reason."

"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would
you be then?"

She paused, smiled and said, "Then, I'd be an atheist."

Joke: None in the morning

Not long after the marriage, Tom and his father met for lunch.

"Well son," asked the dad, "how is married life treating you?"

"Not very well, I'm afraid. It seems that I married a nun."

"A nun??" his father exclaimed.

"That's right. None in the morning, none at night and none unless I beg."

The father nodded knowingly, and patted his son on the back.

"Why don't we all get together for a nice talk tonight?"

Tom's face brightened. "Say Dad, that's a great idea."

"Fine. I'll call and tell Mother Superior to set two extra plates."

Back seat of the car

Throughout our month long tour of Europe, my wife's only complaint was that
there was never enough time for shopping.

Nearing the end of our trip, we stopped for lunch at a pub in a small town
near London. We wrote postcards and my wife volunteered to take them to the
nearest postbox while I made a long-distance phone call. The British long
distance system defeated me until I was helped by an attractive girl who
was standing at the bar.

Completing my call, I saw her with a suitcase standing at a bus stop. I
found out she was going close to our destination so I offered her a lift
and suggested she get in the back seat of the car.

There was still no sign of my wife, so I went to look for her. Ten minutes
later, I found her in a store. She was bulging with parcels.

Giving me a big grin, she said, "That'll teach you to leave me alone for a
few minutes."

It was my turn to grin as I said, "Wait until you see what's in the back
seat of the car."

Curing the hiccups

An older woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. Another doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. Then he marched down the hallway to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Johnson is 72 years-old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her that she was pregnant?!?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up said rather smugly, "Does she still have the hiccups?

BEST 'OUT OF OFFICE' AUTO REPLIES

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system... You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons...When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of Steve'.

ALMOST FAMOUS SAYINGS

* Black holes are where God divided by zero.

* All those who believe in psychogenesis raise my hand.

* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

* Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

* I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

* Join the Army, meet interesting people and kill them.

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

The world's ugliest buildings

Which city would want to have the world's ugliest buildings ? None, right ? So, not many people in the cities listed in this CNN story will be happy over having some of their buildings listed in this story < http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/10/22/ugliest.buildings/index.html>. You should be careful that buildings in your city do not show up on this list.

- The 02 Arena in London was the world's ugliest building on the Forbes list
- Birmingham's Bullring shopping Center was voted as Britain's ugliest building

The Millenium Dome in London is also rated as also a very ugly building.
Others on this list were:
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland

Complete list is on this page < http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/10/22/ugliest.buildings/index.html#cnnSTCPhoto>