Some jokes

My friend is engaged in a major custody battle.

His wife doesn't want him and his mother won't take him back.

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Friends took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada . To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road signs. He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec .

When he awoke he saw the French highway signs and said in a worried tone, "I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep."

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My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. To insure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.

"Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.

He nodded but cut me off.

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence.

On the third trip, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?"

"Gee, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"

Joke: Challenge to wife

My wife and I are both in our midlife and I am a man trying to trick her back in youth by hook and crook.

Long captive in married knot of some twenty five years, I took a look at my wife one day and I said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22 year- old beautiful woman. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I am sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is an affectionate and convincing woman. She told me with love to fulfill my desires. That I should go out and find myself a hot 22 year-old beautiful woman, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Humor: Some jokes

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time.

"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

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When a bashful student showed up after gym for the mandatory shower still wearing his gym shorts, the coach stopped him and asked, "Do you shower with shorts on at home?"

"No," the boy replied, "but I don't shower with ten naked men at home, either."

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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Humor: Some jokes

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, "The Meaning Of Dreams."

-----------------------

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.

At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

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Why God doesn't have a PhD

 1. He had only one major publication.
 2. It was in Hebrew.
 3. It had no references.
 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
 5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
 9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
 10.When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
 11.When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
 12.He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
 13.Some say he had his son teach the class.
 14.He expelled his first two students for learning.
 15.Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
 16.His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a  mountaintop.

Humor: What I want in a man - changes over the years

What I Want in a Man, Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
 
 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Wants to talk to me.
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Loves to go for drives
10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week
 
 
 
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
 
 
 
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
 
 
 
 What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9? Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
 
 
 
 What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet  

A Valentine's Day Story

By: Jo Ann Larsen

 

Larry and Jo Ann were an ordinary couple.  They lived in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.  Like any other ordinary couple, they struggled to make ends meet and to do the right things for their children.

 

They were ordinary in yet another way; they had their squabbles.  Much of their conversation concerned what was wrong in their marriage and who was to blame.  Until one day when a most extraordinary event took place.

 

"You know, Jo Ann, I've got a magic chest of drawers.  Every time I open them, they're full of socks and underwear," Larry said.  "I want to thank you for filling them all these years."

 

Jo Ann stared at her husband over the top of her glasses.  "What do you want, Larry?"

 

"Nothing.  I just want you to know I appreciate those magic drawers."

 

This wasn't the first time Larry had done something odd, so Jo Ann pushed the incident out of her mind until a few days later.

 

"Jo Ann, thank you for recording so many check numbers in the ledger this month.  You put down the right numbers 15 out of 16 times.  That's a record."

 

Disbelieving what she had heard, Jo Ann looked up from her mending.  "Larry, you're always complaining about my recording the wrong check numbers.  Why stop now?"

 

"No reason.  I just wanted you to know I appreciate the effort you're making."

 

Jo Ann shook her head and went back to her mending.  "What's got into him?" she mumbled to herself.

 

Nevertheless, the next day when Jo Ann wrote a check at the grocery store, she glanced at her checkbook to confirm that she had put down the right check number.  "Why do I suddenly care about these dumb check numbers?" she asked herself.

 

She tried to disregard the incident, but Larry's strange behavior intensified.  "Jo Ann, that was a great dinner," he said one evening.  "I appreciate all your effort.  Why, in the past 15 years I'll bet you've fixed over 14,000 meals for me and the kids."  Then "Gee, Jo Ann, the house looks spiffy.  You've really worked hard to get it looking so good."  And even "Thanks, Jo Ann, for just being you.  I really enjoy your company."

 

Jo Ann was growing worried.  "Where's the sarcasm, the criticism?" she wondered.

 

Her fears that something peculiar was happening to her husband were confirmed by 16-year-old Shelly, who complained, "Dad's gone bonkers, Mom.  He just told me I looked nice.  With all this makeup and these sloppy clothes, he still said it.  That's not Dad, Mom.  What's wrong with him?"

 

Whatever was wrong, Larry didn't get over it.  Day in and day out he continued focusing on the positive.

 

Over the weeks, Jo Ann grew more accustomed to her mate's unusual behavior and occasionally gave him a grudging, "Thank you."  She prided herself on taking it all in stride, until one day something so peculiar happened, she became completely discombobulated:  "I want you to take a break," Larry said.  "I am going to do the dishes.  So please take your hands off that frying pan and leave the kitchen."

 

(Long, long pause)

 

"Thank you, Larry.  Thank you very much!"

 

Jo Ann's step was now a little lighter, her self-confidence higher and once in a while she hummed.  She didn't seem to have as many blue moods anymore.  "I rather like Larry's new behavior," she thought.

 

That would be the end of the story except one day another most extraordinary event took place.  This time it was Jo Ann who spoke.  "Larry," she said, "I want to thank you for going to work and providing for us all these years.  I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciate it."

 

Larry has never revealed the reason for his dramatic change of behavior no matter how hard Jo Ann has pushed for an answer, and so it will remain one of life's mysteries.  But it's one I'm thankful to live with.

 

You see, I am Jo Ann. 

Humor: Difference between Love and Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!" 

Humor: Some jokes

A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge.

"Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in."

A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "In?!"

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While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye.

"Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe.

"No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would never wear that!"

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The old guy loved to fish.  He was fishing the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."  He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts?  Didn't you hear what I said?  I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked directly at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Joke: So many prisoners

Francois Fillon, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Fillon," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Slingo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Fillon replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!

Fillon paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Fillon, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Fillon asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Fillon sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Fillon, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultralight with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Fillon was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand."

"Oh me goodness!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Fillon! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Fillon. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

Old tech joke about power supply

A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: (keep quite)
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.


Tech support::
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS
command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.


10 minutes later.
User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User : MS-DOS 6.22 .
Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.


1 hour later.
User : I need a new power supply.
Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?
User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

Some jokes ..

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around! I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy told me last year. That in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I hung up and haven't heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!!!

-------------------------

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.

He found a package of pantyhose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size."  He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"

------------------------------

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

----------------------------

One day a group of boys went to the cutest girl in school and declared that a girl could never climb a pole as well as a boy. The girl was furious at their claim and proceeded to climb the pole all the way to the top.

When the girl went home she told her mom about the guys. Her mother told her, "Honey, they just want to look at your underwear."

"I'll get them back for this," the girl thought. The next day the same guys asked her to climb the pole again, claiming that she hadn't climbed it very fast the last time, and that any boy could climb faster.

She climbed that pole again and knew she had showed them since they simply stood there silently this time.

She went home with a big grin on her face and told her mom that they challenged her to climb the  pole again. "What did I tell you! They just want to look at your underwear!" her mom exclaimed.

"I fooled them, Mom! I didn't wear any!"

Humor: Bringing the plants in from the cold ...

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. 

She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.

 His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

 But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

 The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.  She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa.  The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed...

Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him...

Humor: Modern three laws of love

Universal law:

"Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money . "

First law:

"A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until on unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy."

Second law:

" The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. "

Third law:

"The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals.

Humor: Monkey and cue ball

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"

"No, what?" asks the man

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table.........WHOLE!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey with him. He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of Maraschino Cherries on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. Then the Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted, "Did you see what your Monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," the guy replied, "He still eats everything in sight but ever since he had to shit that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Joke - What causes Arthritis ?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

Humor: Blonde and helicopter

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.

"I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

Humor - Some women jokes

Joe's will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend Jody. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $ 30,000?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

--------------------

In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate,
you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. 
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup, gonna be a bear! 

Humor - Common pregnancy related questions

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q.. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Some riddles with fairly simple answers ..

Where does success come before work?
In the dictionary !

What is the favorite ride of ghost children?
The roller ghoster

What animals are on legal documents?
Seals

What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams

What does a tarantula wish he had?
A hairy godmother

If a boy is spanked by his mother and his father, who hurts the most?
The boy.

What would you get if you crossed an elephant with a parrot?
Something that tells you everything it remembers. (James Ertner)

PUNS

He blamed arithmetic for his divorce. His wife put two and two together.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

My blonde secretary cut her fingers off so that she could write short hand.

A new manager for a clothing manufacturer has to fit seamlessly into the company while looking for loose ends.

Some answers that might make you smile ..

Would you find these kind of answers in normal mode ?

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Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?

Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

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Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?

Customer: What other colors do you have?

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Manager: Sorry, but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.

Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

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Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?

Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

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Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!

Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

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Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!

Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

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Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.

Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

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Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!

Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

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Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son: That's why I say she's no good!

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Some more list of phobias

These seem a bit more bizarre

Coprophobia - Fear of Feces

Dextrophobia - Fear of objects at the right side of the body.

Alektorophobia - Fear of chickens.

Olfactophobia - Fear of smells.

Anablephobia - Fear of looking up.

Phronemophobia - Fear of thinking.

Tonsurphobia - Fear of haircuts.

Anthophobia - Fear of roses

Humor: Signs over different offices

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

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In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'

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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit, please back in.'

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On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'

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On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

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On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
'Invite us to your next blowout.'

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At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

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On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'

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In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

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On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'

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At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

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On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'

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On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

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At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

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Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

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At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'

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In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

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At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'

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And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

Humor: Snake vs. politician

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop! right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a POLITICIAN'

Humor: The 5 Toughest Questions a Woman Can Ask a Man

The questions are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

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Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

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Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

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Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

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Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define 'pretty'
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

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Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

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She....Would you get married again?

He.....Definitely not!

She....Why not - don't you like being married?

He.....Of course I do.

She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?

He.....Okay, I'd get married again.

She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)

He.....Yes, I would.

She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?

He.....Where else would we sleep?

She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.

She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?

He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.

Lesson: Father and son - Patience

An 80 year old man was sitting on the sofa in his house along with his 45 years old highly educated son. Suddenly a crow perched on their window.

The Father asked his Son, "What is this?"

The Son replied "It is a crow".

After a few minutes, the Father asked his Son the 2nd time, "What is this?"
The Son said "Father, I have just now told you "It's a crow".

After a little while, the old Father again asked his Son the 3rd time,

What is this?"

At this time some expression of irritation was felt in the Son's tone when he said to his Father with a rebuff. "It's a crow, a crow".

A little after, the Father again asked his Son t he 4th time, "What is this?"

This time the Son shouted at his Father, "Why do you keep asking me the same question again and again, although I have told you so many times 'IT IS A CROW'. Are you not able to understand this?"

A little later the Father went to his room and came back with an old tattered diary, which he had maintained since his Son was born. On opening a page, he asked his Son to read that page. When the son read it, the following words were written in the diary :-

"Today my little son aged three was sitting with me on the sofa, when a crow was sitting on the window. My Son asked me 23 times what it was, and I replied to him all 23 times that it was a Crow. I hugged him lovingly each time h e asked me the same question again and again for 23 times. I did not at all feel irritated I rather felt affection for my innocent child".

While the little child asked him 23 times "What is this", the Father had felt no irritation in replying to the same question all 23 times and when today the Father asked his Son the same question just 4 times, the Son felt irritated and annoyed.

So..

If your parents attain old age, do not repulse them or look at them as a burden, but speak to them a gracious word, be cool, obedient, humble and kind to them. Be considerate to your parents.From today say this aloud, "I want to see my parents happy forever. They have cared for me ever since I was a little child. They have always showered their selfless love on me.

They crossed all mountains and valleys without seeing the storm and heat to make me a person presentable in the society today".

Say a prayer to God, "I will serve my old parents in the BEST way. I will say all good and kind words to my dear parents, no matter how they behave.