Joke: A cat and some mice in heaven - with God providing services

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Humour: The language used by a woman, and why it does not make sense

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry." = you'll be sorry.

" We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = the correct decision should be obvious by now.

" Do what you want" = you'll pay for this later.

" We need to talk" = I need to complain

"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to.

" I'm not upset" = of course I'm upset, you moron!

" You're ... so manly" = you need a shave and you sweat a lot.

" You're certainly attentive tonight" = is sex all you ever think about?

" Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.

" This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.

" I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

" Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it there!

" I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep.

" Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

" How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like.

" I'll be ready in a minute." = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

" Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.

" You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.

" Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]

" Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

Humour: SOME SMART REPLIES between a man and a woman

* HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!

* HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

* HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

* HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

* HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

* HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

* HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

* HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

* HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

* HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

* HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

* HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.

* HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

* HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

* HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

Humour: All about men

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: Oh about 45 pounds.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.

Q. How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. "I can do better than this."

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for directions.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Spiritual: Pushing a rock based on advice from the Lord

A man was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So, this the man did, day after day.

For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all of his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.

Since the man was showing discouragement, the adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.

Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough." That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a Matter of Prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?

The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so?

"Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have.

"True, you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock."

*At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him.

By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves the mountains.

When everything seems to go wrong .... just P.U.S.H.!

When the job gets you down ... just P.U.S.H.!

When people don't react the way you think they should .... just P.U.S.H.

When your money is "gone" and the bills are due ..... just P.U.S.H.!

When people just don't understand you .... just.. P.U.S.H.!

P= Pray
U= Until
S= Something
H= Happens

Humour: Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Romantic stuff like mushy cards and flowers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

And the number one thing only women understand:

1. Other women!

Some great quotes about men and women, and marriage - Humour

Women are like Elephants.
I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. -- W.C. Fields

Guys are like dogs.
They keep coming back.
Ladies are like cats.
Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. -- Lenny Bruce

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. -- Tim Allen

With my wife I don't get no respect.
I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. -- Rodney Dangerfield

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine:
We were both crazy about girls. -- Groucho Marx

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.' -- Mark Klein

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy? -- Benny Hill

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?' -- Emo Philips

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. -- Les Dawson

A girl phoned me the other day and said ...
Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. -- Rodney Dangerfield

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always (Always Right).

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Humour: When do you know it's time to lose weight

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

Your blood type is Ragu.

You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.

Joke: The priest and the jackass, and the police

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Humour: BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

----> SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling.

----> SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

----> SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

----> SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

----> SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forwards.
ACTION: See above.

----> SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

----> SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

----> SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

----> SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

----> SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

----> SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

----> SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

----> SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

----> SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You have wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

----> SYMPTOM: You're singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

----> SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Humour - Science Exam Answers

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?

(e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I,
O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight!

Humour: The knowledge gained during night classes, and some setbacks

During work, John and William were chatting...

John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now andI have an exam next week.

William: Oh!

John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

William: No

John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

William: No

John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again...

John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?

William: No

John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is George Hunt?

John: No

William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you would stop night courses, you would know this!!

Humour - Science from the Eyes of 5th and 6th Graders

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and
you sit on the bottom.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it
through an aviator.

The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.

It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.

Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun but I never have
been able to make out the numbers.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting.
When people do it, we say they are crazy.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the victim is dead.

Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top
and plural at the bottom.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you
should.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be
called a drop, it does.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because
so many people are stomping around there these days.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed
for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you
don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Recipe - Amish Apple Cake - Yummy

1/2 cup chopped pecans
2 1/2 cups finely chopped apples, such as Granny Smith
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup granulated sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup all-purpose flour

Hot Caramel Sauce

1/2 cup butter
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup evaporated milk

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Oil a 9-inch round cake pan.
In a large bowl, cream the butter. Add the sugar and beat until fluffy.
Add the egg and beat until well blended. Mix in the baking soda, salt, cinnamon and nutmeg. Add the flour and stir just until blended.
Stir in the apples and nuts. Pour into prepared cake pan and bake for 30 minutes until the top springs back when touched lightly with your finger.

Hot Caramel Sauce: In a saucepan, melt the butter, brown sugar and salt. Bring to a boil. Remove from heat and whisk in vanilla extract and milk.

Serve warm sauce over cake.

11 Golden Rules to Live by - read them, they make a lot of sense

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

10. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to other people, is not a nice person.(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

11. Your friends love you anyway.

Recipe - Stir fry sauce

Ingredients for Stir fry sauce

3 Tbsp. Dark brown sugar
2 tsp. Ground ginger
4 Garlic cloves, crushed
1/2 c. Dry Sherry
3 Tbsp. Red wine
1/3 c. Cornstarch
1/2 c. Soy sauce
1/4 tsp. Red pepper sauce
2 1/2 c. Chicken or beef broth

Preparation :
Combine all ingredients, except for broth, in blender or food processor. Cover and process until smooth. Pour into jar, add broth and shake. Store in fridge for 10 days to two weeks, or freeze in one cup portions upto three months. Thaw at room temperature for 2 hours. Shake before use.

More blonde jokes, and these are good ones

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?

A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: What is the mating call of the blonde?

A: "I'm "sooo" drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?

A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?

A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?

A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?

A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

A: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?

A: Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A: You can park in the handicap zone.