Humour: BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

----> SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling.

----> SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

----> SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

----> SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

----> SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forwards.
ACTION: See above.

----> SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

----> SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

----> SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

----> SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

----> SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

----> SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

----> SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

----> SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

----> SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You have wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

----> SYMPTOM: You're singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

----> SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.