Jokes

1. A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was
doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his
head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there,
are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's
what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer
says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called
circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after
a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call
me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses
ass." "It's hard to fool them flies though."


2. I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with
the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he
replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever
the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife
ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying "My husband is
home! My husband is home!"


3. BELLY ACHE

TWO cannibals were walking through the jungle talking when the first mentioned to the second that he had a belly ache.

The second cannibal asked, "Well, did you eat anything out of the ordinary lately?"

"No, replied the first, "All I've eaten recently was a missionary."

"Hmm," said the second, "And how did you cook him?"

"I boiled him as usual," replied the first.

The second asked, "Was he tall, thin and wearing a black robe with a white collar?"

"No" replied the first, "He was short, fat, balding, and wore a brown robe."

"Ah ha!" exclaimed the second, "There's your problem, you shouldn't have boiled him. That was a Friar!"


4. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."