The zen of sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just
pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest
before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like
everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both
feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.

13. Some days
you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone
seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double
your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A
closed mouth gathers no foot.
17.
Duct tape is like
'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together.

18. There are
two theories to arguing.Neither one
works.

19 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under
any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same
night.