Jokes

1. Amazing Golf Ball

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other ball?" he asked.

"Nope, I only need one ball."

"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"

"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."

"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"

"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs? What are you going to do then?"

"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."


2. A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."


3. An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either."


4. The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident," the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says, "...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"


5. It would seem that a parish priest in the County Mayo was walking
along a road when he saw an angry-looking bull burst through a gap
in a hedge and trot threateningly across the field where a peasant
girl was milking a cow of a staid and venerable appearance.

The clergyman shouted a warning. The girl glanced up, then calmly
went on with her milking.

The bull continued to advance. He snorted and pawed the earth and
tossed his massive head. The alarmed cleric called out again to the
imperiled young woman, bidding her to run for safety.

She looked about, waved a hand reassuringly and bent again to her task.

Just as the distressed onlooker was preparing to risk his own life by
distracting the animal from the reckless colleen, the bull gave a
final snort, turned off and lumbered back to his pasture.

The good father vaulted the hedge and proceeded to lecture the girl
on her foolhardiness in face of a great peril. With an airy wave of
her arm she interrupted him:"Shure, your riverince," she said, "I was
in no danger whatsoever."

"What makes you say that, you foolish child?" he demanded. "With my
own two eyes didn't I see him charging down upon you. It was only by
the mercy of Providence and my own quick prayers for your deliverance
that he didn't stick you with both those long horns of his."

"Beggin' your pardon, Father," she said, "but that wasn't it at all.
All along, from the first, I knew he wouldn't dare come nearer toward me."

"Why wouldn't he then?"

"He wouldn't come by reason of this cow bein' here all the while."

"And what had that old cow to do with it?" asked the astonished priest.

"She's his mother-in-law."