THE BEST OF FINANCIAL MELTDOWN JOKES

1. How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday

2. What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start

3. Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"

4. Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...

5. What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's

6. What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four

7. What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
They both have frozen assets

8. Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word - goodbye.

9. What is a banker's favourite chocolate bar? A credit crunchie!

10. For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland?
Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...

11. Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

and finally the Best

12. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Recipe: Campbells Sweet and Tangy Chicken

1 tbsp butter or margarine
4 Boneless chicken breast halves
1 can (10 3/4oz) Campbell`s Tomato Soup
1/4 cup water
1 tbsp brown sugar
1 tbsp vinegar
4 cups hot cooked rice

Heat butter or margerine on skillet. Add chicken and cook until browned.

Add soup,water,sugar and vinegar.Heat to a boil.Cover and cook over low heat 5 min or untill done. Serve with rice. Serves 4.

Wix - Create some stunning spaces

Wix offers you a simple powerful online platform to make flash websites, MySpace layouts and more. No downloads or programming needed. And since creating with Wix is free, anybody can Sign Up and try it themselves!
The Wix Editor allows you to use an online user friendly editor.

Eclipse4SL

Microsoft Silverlight is a cross platform, cross browser and cross device plug-in that enables designers and developers to build rich media experiences and RIAs for the web. It significantly reduces development and deployment costs and provides enhanced Web audio and video streaming and playback using industry-leading Technologies.
The project has been submitted to the Eclipse Foundation and released as an open Eclipse project. Specifically, the project will be an Eclipse plug-in that works with the Eclipse Integrated Development Environment (IDE) and Eclipse Rich Client Platform (RCP) to provide both a Silverlight development environment and greater interoperability between Silverlight and Java, to facilitate the integration of Silverlight-based applications into Java-based web sites and services.
Located at this location (link)

Article on heating water at off-times to save power

There is an article on the EERE site that displays information on how to save energy by using these heaters at off-peak timings / by using a timer (link). The article also contains more links on the following topics:
Install Heat Traps on a Water Heater Tank for Energy Savings
Lower Water Heating Temperature for Energy Savings
Reduce Hot Water Use for Energy Savings
Insulate Hot Water Pipes for Energy Savings
Drain-Water Heat Recovery
Insulate Your Water Heater Tank for Energy Savings
Select a New Water Heater.

If you have an electric water heater, you can save an additional 5%–12% of energy by installing a timer that turns it off at night when you don't use hot water and/or during your utility's peak demand times.
Contact your utility to see if it offers a demand management program. Some utilities offer "time of use" electricity rates that vary according to the demand on their system.

Recipe: Hominy Grits Casserole

Serves 6

1 C hominy grits
3 C milk
1 t salt
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 C water
6 T butter
1 C grated cheddar or Monterey Jack Cheese
½ C canned green chilies, rinsed & chopped

Preheat the oven to 350°F. Stir the hominy grits into the milk in a saucepan, add the salt, and cook over medium heat, stirring often so the mixture doesn't scorch. When it is thick, remove from the heat and add the eggs and water, stirring vigorously. Return to the burner and cook until thickened again. Stir in the butter, cheese, and
chilies. Spread in a casserole and bake for 30 minutes.

More toilets

A Canadian, a Russian and an American all wanted to show off to each other so they each bought a toilet.

The Russian bought a wooden toilet, the Canadian bought a marble toilet, and the American bought a musical toilet.

The next day the Canadian came back to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I use the toilet, I slip off it."

The day after that the Russian came to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit on the toilet I get splinters in my bottom."

The next day, the American came and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit down, I hear my national anthem and I have to stand up."

Recipe: Basic Polenta w/Variation

A recent import from northern Italy, polenta is not unlike the old southern standby cornmeal mush. Polenta can be baked and served with a sauce such as this one, chunky with mushrooms, sausages, and cheese.

Serves 6

4 C water
1 C coarsely ground cornmeal
1 t salt
4 T butter

Bring 3 cups of water to a boil in a heavy-bottomed saucepan. In a small bowl stir the cornmeal into 1 cup cold water, then pour the mixture into the boiling water, stirring constantly. Add the salt and continue to stir, letting the polenta return to a boil. Reduce the heat to low and let simmer, stirring constantly, until the mixture
becomes very thick, about 10 to 15 minutes. Stir in the butter until well blended. Serve immediately.

Polenta w/Cheese

You will need 2 cups cubed Fontina, Monterey Jack, or semi-soft white cheese, and 3 T chopped parsley. Put 1/3 C of the cheese cubes in each of six serving bowls. Spoon the hot polenta over the cheese and garnish with the chopped parsley.

A massive shredder for pulping cars

You people must have seen old cars, and maybe heard about that old cars get crushed an re-used. Given how large and heavy cars are, it may seem a bit difficult to visualize how cars are crushed. Further, a car contains so many different parts, contains oils (engine, gasoline, brake oil, etc), and what happens to all of these ?
Well, here is a small article on Wired (link) that takes a massive car such as the Camry and shreds it down in less than 2 minutes. The largest such machines can handle around 450 cars per hour (which is a huge number). This machine plays a huge role in recycling, since it sends a huge amount of steel to steelworks. The site also has a great diagram that explains the overall steps that are needed to make this a smooth operation, and needs some initial manual operations.

What's not to love about a machine that can chew up a Camry and spit it out as metal confetti in less than two minutes? The largest mega-shredder ever — located in Newport, Wales — can digest 450 cars an hour. At its heart is a 9,200-hp motor driving a gauntlet of rollers and hammers that swallow 3,000 tons of metal a day. All that scrap gets shipped to steelworks, where it's reincarnated as SUVs or stoves or shopping carts. The recycling operation saves enough energy in steel production to power about 82,000 UK households.

Early Marriage

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in
love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to
Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well
Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Jenny.'
Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that
should do us just fine.'
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce,
it seems like you have every thing figured out. I just have one more
question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your
own?'
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little $h*# is adorable

Bedpan in the car

Two nuns were driving in the country and ran out of gas. They spotted a
farmhouse to ask the farmer if he could give them enough gas to get to the
next town.

The farmer agrees, but says he has no container to put the gas in. He takes
them into the barn to see if there is anything they can find that will do
the job.

Amidst a pile of junk one of the nuns spots a bedpan and says, "That will do
just great! We're used to using those bedpans in the hospital."

Farmer fills it with gas for them. The nuns take the bedpan full of gas back
to their car. They pour the gas into their car's gas tank when a car drives
up.

The window rolls down and a man leans out the window and says, "Sisters ...
I'm not a Roman Catholic ... as a matter of fact I'm a Baptist clergyman.
But I just had to stop to tell you how much I admire your faith that that's
going to work!!!"

For all you lexiophiles (lovers of words)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an
actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

5 USES FOR TOOTHPASTE

REMOVE CRAYON MARKS---Squirt a small dab of non gel toothpaste on the wall where the mark is. Rub gently with a soft cloth, then rinse with warm water.

DEODORIZE HANDS---To get rid of garlic and onion odor on hands. Wash with a blob of toothpaste.

WHITEN SNEAKERS---Clean rubber soles by rubbing scuff marks with an old toothbrush and non gel toothpaste.

BUFF A DVD---Get rid of light scratches by squeezing a little non gel toothpaste onto a cotton ball. Wipe over the DVD from the center out to the edge. Rinse with water and dry with a nonabrasive, lint free cloth.

DEFOG GOGGLES---Coat the inside of swimming goggles with toothpaste, then wipe off.

What You Can Do With Vodka .. besides drink

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, re-freshable ice pack for aches, pain, or black eyes..

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine tablespoons powered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container for two weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and rinse your mouth. Don't swallow.

12. Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out.

13. If a blister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.

14. To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two teaspoons crushed rosemary, let sit for two days, strain through a coffee filter and massage into your scalp and let dry.

15. To treat an earache put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let set for a few minutes. Then drain. The vodka will kill the bacteria that is causing pain in your ear.

16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and >back as a liniment.

17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

19. To remove cigarette smoke in your home or office mix one part vodka and three parts water and spray the clothing, then launder and let dry.

20. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

21. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

After reading this, can you believe that some people drink the stuff?

MENS ANSWERS

Nine Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Questions ... But Never Will.

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that damn ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...

23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

28. Everyone has a photographic memory Some just don't have film.

29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

37 Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I want to get weighed

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. So they ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117, and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird
and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura - it was wousy."

Love dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying
there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said

Hexoku.org

Something different, but looks similar. If you have tried Sudoku, here is something that looks similar - called Hexoku.org

Hexoku uses the hexadecimal (hex) numeral system (with a base of 16).
It uses sixteen distinct symbols: 0-9 to represent values zero to nine and
A, B, C, D, E, F to represent values ten to fifteen.
The rules are simple:
- enter digits from 0 to 9 and letters from A to F into the blank spaces.
- every row, column and 4x4 square must contain one of each symbol.
- you can change the puzzle difficulty by selecting easy, medium or hard