Natural tips for hair

HAIR AND ESSENTIAL OILS

The basic substance of hair is keratin, a strong protein that also makes up nails, and in animals, claws feathers, horns and fur. Humans don't molt in the usual way that animals do, but, we still lose our hair as each one comes to the end of its cycle (between 2 and 7 years). When this happens the hair becomes detached from the follicle (a tiny pit in the surface of the skin)- and a new hair begins to grow in its place. This should almost happen instantly, but with ill health, malnutrition, tension, or stress, the time between a hair being lost and a new one starting to grow can extend…so that our hair begins to thin.

At the side of each follicle there is a sebaceous gland that secrets sebum, necessary for lubricating the hair. If the blood supply is not delivering the seventeen amino acids, which make up the keratin, the hair becomes dry or greasy, the ends split and it loses its bounce. What we need for hair is the same as what we need for the skin, the outer layer which is also keratin. If you eat plenty of fresh food, cut down on stimulants such as coffee, tea, and alcohol, increase your dosage of vitamin B, stick with cold pressed oils and unsaturated fatty acids, and get enough sleep, you'll be on your way to a glorious head of hair.

It makes sense to avoid using the harsh detergent based shampoos. Go for a shampoo that claims to be mild Ex. (baby shampoo)…as it will be less likely to strip the hair of its acid mantle. Conditioners should be rich in proteins. To these store bought products you can simply add the essential oils for the category best suited to the present condition of your hair. However it is best to make your own preparations using basic recipes then adding the essential oils appropriate for your specific condition. Essential Oils penetrate deep into the follicles and the shaft of the hair
and produce shinny, healthy hair. There are essential oils that encourage new hair growth.

The method used for making many of these natural beauty materials is cooking your ingredients without having them come into contact with water or oils…like putting a nice size bowl inside of a container filled partly with water - you don't want the water to get into your bowl when it boils and ruin your blend and use a heat-proof bowl. I use a double boiler…When using the bowl method, you don't need much water in the pot - just enough to maintain the required temperature.

SHAMPOO BASE (SOAP STEW)
Use whichever one you find to be convenient and once made they keep forever and a day.

PURE SOAP FLAKES can be obtained from some health food stores and pharmacies.

SOAP FLAKES 4 ounces
SPRING WATER 1 Quart

Simmer the water, add the soap flakes, and stir until the soap dissolves. Cool and bottle in any old jar with a lid or similar container. The mixture may gel or appear lumpy after being left for a while but don't worry, just beat it up in the blender when you make up you shampoos.

CASTILE SOAP should be pure and white.

CASTLIE (grated finely) 4 Ounces
SPRING WATER 1 Quart

Simmer the water, add the soap and bring to a boil until the soap has dissolved. Pour into a jar and store until needed

SOAPWORT ROOT it has this name because it is the original raw material of
soaps and other cleaning products. You need to crush the root, which may be
bought from herbalists and health food stores.

SOAPWORT ROOT (crushed) ½ Ounce
SPRING WATER 1 Quart

Boil the water and pour it over the soapwort in a bowl. Leave it to infuse for at least 2 hours and then filter it through muslin, cheesecloth, a coffee filter or other fine strainer. Bottle it. You need larger quantities of this base when you shampoo, at least 2 Tablespoons of the mixture.

CONDITIONER
Lecithin, is an extemely important protein that plays a very important role within the human body. The lecithin we'll use here has been extracted from soya beans. Health food stores sell this product in two forms, liquid and granule. We'll use the liquid one which resembles thick orange tar but nevertheless emulsifies beautifully.

LECITHIN BASE
LIQUID LECITHIN 2 Ounces
ALMOND OIL 2 Ounces
JOJOBA OIL 2 Teaspoons
COCOA BUTTER ¼ Ounce

Mix all the ingredients until well melted and blended together. Pour into a jar and use as directed for the different hair recipes.

(NOTE: I think here one might use just 1 ounce of almond oil and add to the
recipe one ounce of Emu oil(it's a great carrier and penetrates three layers
of skin and is not greasy)

LECITHIN BASE 2
SOAP STEW 2 Ounces
LIQUID LECITHIN 1 Ounce

Warm the soap solution and then drip the lecithin in slowly, stirring constantly. When the mixture is well blended, bottle and keep to use as directed.

SCALP STIMULATOR
Here is a lotion that stimulates the scalp and is extremely effective for men's hair growth.

VODKA 1 teaspoon
ROSEMARRY 3 drops
LAVENDER 5 drops

(Mix then add to 1 Tablespoon of spring water)

Dip the fingertips into the mixture and massage into the scalp. It smells nice and can be put onto the hair, anytime that suits

FALLING HAIR
When you start to notice more hair in the brush and you finding them all over the furniture and everywhere…use the following treatment…This is not as serious as hair loss, which we will see to later.

SHAMPOOS
There are two recipes here. Use whichever you like but do not use more than once a week…washing too often does nothing to help the problem.

Shampoo
SOAP STEW 4 Ounces
JOJOBA OIL 4 Drops
CHAMOMILE 2 Drops
PALMA ROSA 3 Drops

(NOTE: I would also try using just 2 drops of the jojoba and adding 2 drops of emu oil)

Shampoo 2
SOAP STEW 4 Ounces
JOJOBA OIL 5 Drops
ROSEMARY 3 Drops
LEMON 2 Drops

(NOTE: Once again I would try decreasing the jojoba to 3 drops and add 2 drops of Emu oil)

CONDITIONER
Use these conditioners before shampooing and leave on the hair for 10 minutes before rinsing off.

(NOTE: never add the essential oils till all others have been mixed and you have removed from the heat)

Conditioner
COCOA BUTTER ½ Ounce
ALMOND OIL 2 Tablespoons
CLARY SAGE 5 Drops

(NOTE: Once again try to improvise emu oil into this...perhaps reduce the amount of almond oil and add the difference in emu oil)

Conditioner 2
LECITHIN BASE 2 Teaspoons
JOJOBA OIL 5 Drops
EVENING PRIMROSE OIL 10 Drops
ALMOND OIL 2 Tablespoons

(NOTE: Once again decrease almond oil by ½ tablespoon and add that much emu oil.)

HAIR LOSS (alopecia)
When hair starts coming out by the handfuls and bald patches appear you have the serious problem of hair loss. Balding is a separate subject and will be addressed later. Many essential oils and nut oils can stimulate the hair follicle and increase circulation and oxidization sufficiently enough to bring around re-growth of hair. Use only purified water (boiled or filtered) to wash your hair. Avoid chlorination in swimming pools, eat correctly and take vitamin B supplements. Shampooing to often can increase hair loss and heavy conditioning treatments can stretch weak hair and cause breakage. Chemical products can leave a build up residue that can lead to hair loss.

Essential oils for alopecia (Thyme, Rosemary, Lavender, Carrot, Sage)

Essential Oils that reduce hair loss (Roman Chamomile, Cypress, Lemon, Birch, Palma rosa, Thyme, Rose, Yarrow, Carrot, Sage, Clary Sage, Rosemary, Calendula)

Vegetable Oils for treating Alopecia (Jojoba, Borage seed, Evening Primrose,
and Emu Oil)

HAIR LOSS SHAMPOO
Blend the ingredients together use once a week…do not shampoo in-between…wear a hat or rag maybe. See also the following conditioner which should be used before hand.

Shampoo
SOAP STEW 4 Ounces
JOJOBA OIL 12 Drops
CARROT OIL 6 Drops
ROSEMARY 6 Drops
LAVENDER 10 Drops

(NOTE: I would try reducing the jojoba to 8 drops and adding 4 drops emu oil)

HAIR LOSS CONDITIONER
Before shampooing apply the following conditioner. Blend the ingredients together and massage into the scalp. Leave on for at least 30 minutes before washing…

Conditioner
JOJOBA OIL ½ Teaspoon
EVENING PRIMROSE OIL 10 Drops
PALMA ROSA 3 Drops

NIGHTIME TREATMENT FOR HAIR LOSS
Every night apply the following treatment all over the scalp. Mix ingredients together and store in a clean bottle. Use 1 Teaspoon for each application, diluted in 1Tablespoon of ice-cold spring water.

CIDER VINEGAR 4 Ounces
CARROT OIL 20 Drops
ROSEMARY 10 Drops

BALDING
ESSENTIAL OILS to stimulate hair growth (Rosemary, Neroli, Lavender, Geranium, Basil, Ginger, Cedarwood, Sage, Hyssop, Thyme, Lemon, Grapefruit, Cypress)

To strengthen hair add 1 drop rosemary to a cold water rinse when you have finished washing your hair. No need to rinse the rosemary out.

BALDING TREATMENT
The treatment will prevent hair from falling out, strengthen and make thicker
the hair you still have and in some cases bring back a fluffy downy hair…Don't be impatient… treatment must be continuous and it takes about 4 months. While you are following the treatment you may find that you won't catch colds, flu's coughing is eased as well as sinus problems can be helped too.

ROSEMARY 3 Drops
GERANIUM 4 drops
LAVENDER 5 Drops
CYPRESS 4 Drops
CINNAMON 2 Drops
JUNIPER 2 Drops

(Blend together)

Each day take 1 Drop from the bottle and mix it with ¼ teaspoon of spring water and rub into the scalp. Rub the bald area first then rub well into the rest of the scalp. Don't rub to hard and nighttime is the best time for treatment for that's when the body is regenerating itself. In the morning use a hypoallergenic shampoo, (one that doesn't contain detergent).

Jokes

1. A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to
synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of
faithful attendance, the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent
health, so the rabbi asked; "How come after all these years we don't see you
at services any more?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I
got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95,
then 100, then 105, so I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten
about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"



2.
Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a
widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two
were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took
a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "
Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of ' careful consideration' , she answered "Yes.
Yes, I will. "

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to Their
respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He
couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just Could not recall. Not even a
faint memory. With trepidation, he went to The telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he
inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you
say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
Meant it with all my heart. " Then she continued, "I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked
me



3. A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.

Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable
scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and
reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true
nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you
may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained
in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research
paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the
well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the
course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a
privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.

This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.



4. An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% . The elderly
gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your
hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear
again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just
sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"



5. It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!". My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there ! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment ! for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.



6.
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Jokes

1. A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his
Sunday sermon.**
**

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. **
**

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm
was put into a container of good clean soil. **
**

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results: **
**

The first worm in alcohol - **Dead.**

The second worm in cigarette smoke - **Dead** **

Third worm in chocolate syrup - **Dead** **

Fourth worm in good clean soil - **Alive.** **
**

So the Minister asked the congregation - **

What can you learn from this demonstration? **

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,**
**

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"



2. HENPECKED HUSBAND!

He wears the pants in the house - under his apron.

He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none.

He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.

She does not have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.

He always has the last word - he says, "I apologize".

He was a man about town, she has turned him into a mouse around the house.

The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.

He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose.

He was a dude before marriage - now he is subdued.

He goes to a woman dentist...
it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut



3. The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce from
that jerk over there."

The judge said, "Why do you want the divorce?"

"Because he's a terrible lover."

The judge asked, "How long have you been married?"

"Fourteen years," she replied.

"I don't understand. Why did you wait fourteen years to divorce
your husband for being a terrible lover?"

She said, "Because, your Honor, until this insurance salesman stopped
by my house last week, I didn't know."



4. I was in a church meeting where the topic "Burial or Cremation?" was
discussed.

Two of the people got rather worked up.

One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will
be doing is...making an ash of yourself!"

The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from
fossilized bones, so if you have your buried all you will be doing is
making a fuel of yourself!"

A prayer of peace

PEACE

If Peace fulfils my heart's desire,

While Past and Future both conspire

To harm me and mislead;

If Peace can warm me when I'm cold

and comfort me as I grow old,

Then Peace is all I need.

If Peace can soothe me with her charms

And gently hold me in her arms,

My shelter in the storm;

If Peace can shower me with love

When cloudy skies are up above,

Then Peace can keep me warm.

If Peace can make the darkness bright,

Protect me like a shining knight,

And all my dragons slay;

Then I would be a fool to doubt

That Peace is what it's all about,

For Peace can light the way.

If Peace will always be my friend,

A friend on whom I can depend

To ease my troubled mind;

If Peace can answer all my prayers

And gently wash away my cares,

Then Peace can save mankind.

Jokes

1. Men often consider blowing off the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever get to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But now there is a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable, and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you.

It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail!

That's how all the happening, modern kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard.

And you can delete her response without ever reading it!

What could be more painless?

Following is an e-mail rejection letter.

Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:

Dear [her name],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. [your last name].

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of other well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: [Men will check those that apply]

[ ] Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

[ ] Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.

[ ] You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

[ ] The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

[ ] You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

[ ] My breasts are bigger than yours.

[ ] Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 23 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

[ ] Your revelation that you would certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but it does make it difficult to take you seriously.

[ ] Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

[ ] I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
[Your name]



3. There was once a man and his dog, whom were stranded on an island. One day, the man was really desperate and wanted to have sex real bad, so he went round the island, hoping to find a woman or something. All he found was a wooden barrel. So with that, he poked a hole through the middle of the barrel and screwed till he was satisfied. Ever since then, he used that to fulfill his sexual desires.

One day, his dog, has the sexual urge too, so it decides to use the method that its master have been using.

So the two of them used the barrel until they died.

About 50 years later, the island was founded by a group of old nuns and they built a nunnery there.

One day the Chief Nun found a certain barrel which contained a loadful of wax, so she took it and made them into candles. The candles were then being used to light up the nunnery in the dark until one day, a nun got naughty and decided to satisfy herself with the candles. She throughly enjoyed herself from that.

However, 10 months later, she rushed into the Mother Superior's room and said, "I've got to confess, I used the candle to screw myself 9 months ago and now I have a baby."

Mother Superior then replied, "You're more fortunate my child, I've got a puppy..."



4. Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what
had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
...................................................................

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much
would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
..........................................................................

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am
scolding you now.
..........................................................................

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
..........................................................................

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates,
then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
..........................................................................

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

--------------------------------------------------

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

--------------------------------------------------

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

------------------------------------------

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your
brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

--------------------------------------------------

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

--------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between
'unlawful'
and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal'
is
a sick eagle."

---------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

----------------------------------------------------

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"

Jokes

1. Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas . He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man, he would share his fortune with him.

After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

Ned responded, "You're not the one that I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"



2. The first Jewish President of the United States phones his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd love to, but it's too much trouble. I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport and I really hate waiting on Queens Blvd. "

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't have any need for a cab. I'll send a limousine for you."

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle; it's just too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States ! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry all my luggage through the airport and try to get a cab. It's really too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."

She answers, "Yes, that's nice, but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive and I really don't like the rooms."

Irritated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House."

She responds, "Well..... all right..... I guess I'll come."

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Sandra. "So, Gilda, tell me.....what's new?"

"I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!" Gilda replies.

"The doctor?" asks Sandra.

Gilda replies, "No..... the other one."



3. My 6 year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mom said it was irreplaceable."

___________________________________

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

___________________________________

Little Johnny came home from his first day of school and said, "Mommy, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers and sisters who will be coming to my school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest in your family, Dear. What did she say when you told her that you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

___________________________________

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "and how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charlie, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you weasel!"



4. This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."

The guy bought the bird and took it home.

Next day, the guy was back in the pet store to complain. The bird hadn't said a word. The pet shop manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.

Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager.

"Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.

And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell.

Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.

You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What happened? Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet shop owner.

"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'Don't they sell any birdseed at that pet store?'"



5. Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use
the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband
reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet.
Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a
lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go
outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Simple and easy recipes to prepare natural mouthwashes

Simple and easy recipes to prepare natural mouthwashes.

The traditional homemade mouthwash formula
You will need these antiseptic plant materials as cloves, rosemary and myrrh
to make this alcohol free natural mouthwash formula. You can replace cloves
with goldenseal.

The process is too simple. Fill a pint jar with 2 cups of boiling water and
place all these materials into the jar.

Now add some mint oil and angelica seeds into another cup of boiling water,
let's sit them there for some time before staining all the solid portion and
now mix both the solutions to get a simple but very effective homemade
mouthwash solution.
Store the liquid in a covered jar in the refrigerator.

Rosemary-Mint Mouthwash
To make this mouthwash you will need 1 tsp fresh mint leaves, 1tsp rosemary
leaves and1 tsp anise seeds. Now add these things to 2 cups of distilled
water. Now heat the liquid until it comes to the boiling point. Infuse for 20
minutes.

Remove the liquid from heat, let it cool down and now strain it and put it
inside a glass jar. If you want to make it in a larger quantity, add 1 tsp of
tincture of powdered myrrh as a natural preservative.

Baking Soda Mouthwash
Baking soda is a traditional ingredient used in the dental care. To prepare
mouthwash with baking soda, make a mixture with 1/4 Teaspoon of baking soda
and 2 ounces of Water. You can also use sea salt. Also add to the mixture a
drop of essential peppermint oil, and a drop of Tea Tree oil.

This alcohol free mouthwash fills with your mouth with a refreshing minty
taste and great for prevent bad breathe.

You can use alcohol based mouthwash recipes at home too. Here is a simple
alcohol mouthwash recipe:
Spearmint mouthwash
To prepare this mouthwash, take 6 ounces water and 2 ounces vodka. Add to it
four teaspoons liquid glycerine. Also pour in one teaspoon aloe vera gel. To
bring the flavor,
you have to add 10-15 drops of Spearmint essential oil.
Boil the whole mixture. Remove from the heat and as it reaches a lukewarm
temperature, add the spearmint oil. Shake the entire broth well to get a
homogeneous mixture. Preserve in a glass bottle with airtight cap.

INDIAN FISH CURRY RECIPE

INDIAN FISH CURRY RECIPE

700gms / 1 1/2 lb white fish fillet
2 medium Onions
4 cloves garlic (paste)
1 tbsp ginger (paste)
4 tbsp tomato puree
2/3rd cup water
Salt To Taste
1/2 cup olive oil
Spices :
1tsp white cumin seeds
1tsp turmeric powder
1tsp garam masala powder

How to make curry fish:

Cut the fish into medium-sized pieces.
Heat the olive oil in a frying pan and fry the fish pieces gently for 5 minutes. Drain the fish on absorbent kitchen paper and set aside.
Chop one onion finely and grind the other one.
Add the chopped onion to the olive oil in the pan and fry until golden.
Add all spices and cook stirring for 10 seconds.
Now add the grinded onion, garlic, ginger and tomato puree. Fry the mixture.
Add the water and salt. Bring the mixture to the boil. Add fried fish pieces. Reduce the heat and simmer for about 10 minutes.
Serve the indian fish curry hot with rice or bread

Recipe: BRAZILIAN SEAFOOD STEW

BRAZILIAN SEAFOOD STEW
This recipe can be prepared in 45 minutes or less.

The coconut milk can be found in the Asian foods section of most supermarkets.

Ingredients:

4 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
1 1/2 pounds white fish fillets (such as red snapper or orange roughy), cut into 1-inch pieces

1 1/2 cups chopped onion
1 1/2 cups chopped green bell peppers
2 garlic cloves, chopped
3/4 teaspoon dried crushed red pepper
2 cups chopped tomatoes
3/4 cup canned unsweetened coconut milk
1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro
1/2 cup chopped green onions
1 1/4 pounds uncooked medium shrimp, peeled, deveined

Preparation

Whisk 2 tablespoons oil and lime juice in large bowl.

Add fish and sprinkle generously with salt and pepper; stir to coat. Let stand 15 minutes.

Heat remaining 2 tablespoons oil in large pot over medium heat.
Add onion, bell peppers, garlic and crushed red pepper; sauté 5 minutes.
Mix in tomatoes, coconut milk, half of cilantro and half of green onions.
Add shrimp and fish with marinade. Simmer until shrimp and fish are just opaque in center, about 5 minutes.
Season stew with salt and pepper. Transfer to bowl. Sprinkle with remaining cilantro and green onions.

Determine your real age

If you want to determine your real age, then you need to take the test at RealAge.com.
As per them, your RealAge is the biological age of your body, based on how well you've
maintained it. They will determine whether you are biologically younger, older,
or the same as your calendar age?

Puzzle about measuring difference in weights

Q. Ali the thief had managed to break into the Sultan's treasure room. He was looking for a bag containing 1250 diamonds, each weighing 0.8 grams. Unfortunately, the Sultan had filled nine other bags with imitation diamonds. There were 1000 in each bag, each one weighing 1 gram. So all 10 bags weighed exactly 1000 grams and all the bags looked exactly alike. Just as Ali was scratching his head, the Sultan burst in with his guards. As he was a merciful Sultan, he gave Ali a chance to save his life. Here is what he said; "If you can find the bag which contains the real diamonds by using these scales just once, you may keep the diamonds. If not, you will be beheaded. You can take
stones from any of the bags and put them in other bags if you wish but you can only weigh once!" How did Ali save his neck?

Ans: Ali numbered the ten bags from 1 to 10. He then took ten stones from bag 1, twenty stones from bag 2, thirty stones from bag 3 .... likewise till hundred stones from bag 10 and weighed them together. Had all the stones weighed 1 gm in all ten bags, the total weight would have been 550 grams. since one of the bags had real diamonds of lesser weight ( by 0.2 gm each ), Ali had lesser weight than 550 gms. If Ali had the weight measured as 548 gms, bag 1 from which Ali had taken ten stones contained real diamonds. If the weight had been 546 gms, bag 2 had real diamonds etc. Thus he knew which bag contained the real diamonds by the measured weight by measuring only once.

Jokes

1. The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."


2. The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic.

I was looking for $150."



3. One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give pound 20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I'll give you the pound 20."
As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, "You know Jignesh, since you are Gujarati; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.
"Jignesh replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!



4. Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!



5. A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.
The Problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor. The child Should be in my custody."
The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...
Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"

ZoneAlarm Installation Problem

Q: I have a problem trying to re-install ZoneAlarm. I thought I had uninstalled it before the new install.
But ZA wont install. Says True Vector is running. I should use Service Manager to disable True Vector. What is Service Manager and how to I access it? Actually I would like to completely abolish True Vector. Any Ideas?

Ans: Several solutions including two methods to get into Services (either Control Panel - Administrative Tools - Services or via Start - Run - services.msc - OK) and disable True Vector but if that does not work, then try this:
Download zfix.zip (a CMD file) from Greenwoods Computer Corner - http://www.greenwood.iwarp.com/sgcomputer.html)
and run that. It cleans out the old Zone Alarm installation completely so you can reinstall it again successfully.

Using Internet Explorer to print bigger

One of the new features that was added to Internet Explorer 7 was the ability to set the web page magnification. You do this by clicking on the magnification setting in the bottom right hand corner of the browser window. It actually does a surprisingly remarkable job at enlarging images. I think you will get better results this way than
you would trying to enlarge your image in most editors.

From what I can see, it accomplishes this by blending the hard edges of the pixelation you normally get from enlarging an image. This results in a smoother and softer but more blurry looking image. Depending on how much you need to enlarge your image by, this may satisfy your needs quite nicely.

You can also change the magnification by holding down the CTRL key while scrolling your mouse wheel. To restore the original magnification, simply click the number. If the pick list appears (most times it just resets back to 100%), just select 100%.

Once the image is big enough for you, hit Alt-Print Screen to capture the browser window and paste it into your favorite image editor where you can crop it.

This is not the same as changing the font size, a feature which has been available for many years.

Jokes

1. A lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man
eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he
got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the lawyer said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The lawyer replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house
is over three feet tall!"



2. A young lady comes home from a date, rather sad.

Her mother asks, "What's the matter, Honey?"
"Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?"

"Because he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell!"

"Marry him anyway. dear. Between the two of us, we'll show him just
how wrong he really is."


3. The upstate NY man was rich in almost every way. His estate was worth millions. He owned houses, land antiques and cattle. But though on the outside he had it all, he was very unhappy on the inside. His wife was growing old, and the couple was childless. He had always wanted a little boy to carry on the family legacy.

Miraculously, his wife became pregnant in her later years, and she gave birth to a little boy. The boy was severely handicapped, but the man loved him with his whole heart. When the boy was five, his mom died. The dad drew closer to his special son. At age 13, the boy's birth defects cost him his life and the father died soon after from a broken heart.

The estate was auctioned before hundreds of bidders. The first item offered was a painting of the boy. No one bid. They waited like vultures for the riches.

Finally, the poor housemaid, who helped raise the boy and loved him, offered $5 for the painting and easily took the bid. To everyone's shock, the auctioneer ripped a hand written will from the back of the picture.

This is what it said To the person who thinks enough of my son to buy this painting, to this person I give my entire estate.

The auction was over. The greedy crowd walked away in shock and dismay.



4. A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."

Creating a password protected document in Word

In Word, you can definitely create a form and lock it with a password so
that users can open, view, fill in the fields and save the form with
the data.

Create forms that users complete in Word (from Microsoft)
http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/help/HP052302701033.aspx

Creating a Form Using Word (from Penn State Erie College)
http://www.pserie.psu.edu/compcntr/guides/wordforms.pdf

The basic steps are:
1) Create the document
2) Enable the Forms tool bar
3) Add fields, pull down combo boxes, and check boxes
4) Click on the lock on the Forms tool bar
5) On the Tools menu, click Protect Document
6) Enable the "Allow only this type of editing in the document" check
box, and then click "Filling in forms" in the list of editing restrictions.
7) Click Yes, Start Enforcing Protection.
8) Type a password in the "Enter new password (optional)" box, and
then confirm the password.

Save and distribute the form, knowing that only people who have the
password can actually make changes to the form. The rest of the users
will only be able to fill-in the form and save it.

Free Image Resizer - PIXresizer

PIXresizer is a photo resizing program to easily create web and e-mail friendly versions of your images with reduced file sizes. This is very important if you are used to sharing your images with friends and family, and can't send them some of the large files generated by modern digital cameras.
The reduced files are saved in a different folder, so your original images are not altered at all. PIXresizer offers several different resizing methods to choose from and can automatically recognize image sizes to calculate the best fit. In addition, it can convert between image formats (JPEG, GIF, BMP, PNG and TIFF), rotate images, convert to grayscale and resize multiple images in batch mode. A great companion for webmasters and digital photographers.
Options/Features

* Simple Four-Step Workflow
* Easy 'Apply recommended' option to make it even more user friendly
* Works with single files as well as with multiple files all at once
* Option to convert between graphics formats (.bmp, .gif, .jpg, .png, and .tif)
* Can be used to create thumbnails (takes one move on a slider)
* Smart Ratio Calculation (image proportions can be overruled by the user)
* EXIF support, JPEG compression, TIFF compression, DPI settings
* Runs on Windows 98/ME/NT4/2000/2003/XP/Vista

Download from this location.

Outlook Tip

Q: I can't find any setting in Outlook that sets Outlook as the default email
program, there is a setting in OE but that doesn't stick.

Ans: There IS a setting in Outlook which establishes itself as the default
program for Email, Contacts and Calendar (although this is with Outlook
2003... maybe it's different in Outlook 97?).

While in Outlook, go to the Tools menu, and select Options. In the Options
Window, select the Other tab (see attached JPG). On that tab is a check box
that will make Outlook the default program for those three elements. I
assume that if you DO NOT want Outlook to be the default, that you remove
the check from that box.

There is also an option in Internet Explorer - in IE, click on Tools >
Internet Options. On the Internet Options page, click the Programs tab. In
the Internet programs section, use the drop-down list to select the program
you prefer to handle E-mail, like Outlook Express (see attached JPG).

Jokes

1. A lady had her cat (Killer) neutered and when she brought him home
he, made a bee line for the door. Later that day a neighbor called and
said,

"Mrs. Jones, your cat is running up and down the streets in the
neighborhood. I am afraid he is having a fit or something."

Mrs. Jones just laughed and said,

"Oh, don't worry, I just had Killer neutered and he is out
canceling appointments!"


2. *Secret of success*

Sir, " What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank
President.

*"Two words."*

"And, Sir, what are they?"

*"Right decisions."*

"And how do you make right decisions?"

*"One word.'*
**
"And, sir, What is that?"

*"Experience. " *

"And how do you get Experience?"

*"Two words"*

"And, Sir, what are they?"

*"Wrong decisions ."*

Jokes

1. Helpful Hints…

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your
microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know
that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm
clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address
books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from
a garment always circle the stain in permanent
ink pen so that when you remove the garment from
the washing machine you can easily locate the
area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid
tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning
enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield
wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut
yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes: Conceal the fact that you have
taken performance enhancing drugs by simply
running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters
from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and
within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling


2. A new baby, when he was still in hospital, said to
the little babe lying next to him, 'I know I am a boy!'

The other baby said, 'What! How DO you know that??'

'Well, it's under the blanket; I can show you...'

'Show me! Show me!'

'SSST! Wait till the nurses are gone...'

A few minutes later: 'I can show you now. Watch!'

Slowly the baby lifted up his blanket, the other
baby peeking under it. 'Can you see it?' The first one said,

'You see it, down there?'

'But WHAT should I see?'

'I'm wearing blue socks!!'


3. A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm broke!"

As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in
the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not
until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he
emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."



4. Two blondes with hammers, Debbie and Donna,
were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat
for Humanity house.

Debbie, who was nailing down house siding, would
reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either
toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Debbie explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end,
and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled,
"You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!"



5. There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.

This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.

Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker"? he asked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.

"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.

"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"

The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."

"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.

The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up. As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"

The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply. The man said, "Screw Thee."

Jokes

1. A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van
Lesbian." The stunned agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order
to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name." "I
will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
There was a letter and a check for $50,000 in the envelope. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the
letter....

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
become an actor in Hollywood . You told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told
me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride
to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.



Sincerely,



















Dick van Dyke



2. A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The
driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the
footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look
mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would
scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first
day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25
years



3. A young boy, who had a lisp, was supposed to
start school one day, and was told by his mother to wait by the bus stop.

The kid goes to the bus stop, sees the bus and
starts waving his arms and shouting: "Buth driver
.. Buth Driver thtop thtop! ..."

The bus just keeps on going.

The next day, after his mother was upset for the
bus not stopping, tells him to go to the bus stop
and wave an old rag she gave him.

Again, he follow his mother's instructions,
waving the old rag and shouting "Hey buth
driver...buth driver, thtop thtop!!.."

Again, the bus just goes by.

When he returned home, his mother was really upset and tells him:

"Damn it, tomorrow I want you to go out and stand
in the middle of the street, and he'll stop for sure."

The next day, he's waiting for the bus, sees it,
stands in the middle of the street and starts waving the rag and shouting:

"Hey buth driver...buth driver...thtop thtop!!"

The bus just keeps going, hits him, knocks him
down and breaks every bone in his body.

Upset, after his mother found out about this, she
went to the school to complain to the school's
principal, who calls the bus driver to the office
and questions him about about his action.

"Why did you hit that poor boy?" the principal asked.

The bus driver replies: "I can't th tand kidth that make fun of me!"



4, A sales representative, an administration clerk
and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a genie appears in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says:"I usually only grant three
wishes, so I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration
clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales
representative. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my
life beside me." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says:"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Stock Market Technical Analysis - Relative Strength Indicator (RSI)

The Relative Strength Indicator (RSI) was developed by J. Welles Wilder in 1978. This indicator is one of a family of indicators called oscillators because it varies (oscillates) between fixed upper and lower bounds. This particular indicator is supposed to track price momentum.

Wilder's relative strength indicator is based on the observation that a stock which is advancing will tend to close nearer to the high of the day than the low. The reverse is true for declining stocks.

It's easy to confuse Wilder's relative strength indicator with other relative strength figures that are published. Wilder's indicator compares the price performance of a stock to that of itself and might be more appropriately called an "internal strength index". Othersimilarly named indicators compare a stock's price to some stock market index or to another stock.

This indicator has evolved into several forms, but Wilder's RSI is generally regarded as the most useful. The oscillator is indexed from 0 to 100, and like all oscillators it indicates overbought and oversold readings. The RSI oscillator is most useful in a trading channel, especially those with deeply pronounced crests and troughs. Trending prices tend to distort overbought and oversold signals because indicator readings will be skewed off-center from a neutral reading of "50".

*Very basically, "buy" signals are considered to be readings of 30 or less (the security is considered oversold) and "sell" signals are considered to be RSI values of 70 or greater (the security is considered overbought). Depending on the technician and price volatility, there are various other qualifiers and nuances that can be incorporated into a signal. For example, in very volatile markets, the bounds of 20 and 80 might be used to judge oversold and overbought conditions.

Jokes

1. A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"


2. There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

85% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

Some quiz questions - all logic

QUESTIONS THAT U CANT ANSWER(TRY IT OUT)

1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't see it. What is it?

2. A child is born in Boston , Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston , Massachusetts . The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?

3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?

4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers, he defeated them and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of Battalion “Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?

6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?

7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?

8. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep and all but 9 die. How many are left?

10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?

11. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.

12. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?

13. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or “The yolk of the egg is white"?

14. In Okmulgee , Oklahoma , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

15. There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the International Home Show," One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible?

16. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?

*ANSWERS*

1. A coffin.

2. The child was born before 1776.

3. Mount Everest (it just hadn't been discovered).

4. Clara lives in the southern hemisphere.

5. World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II.

6. The word "and".

7. They fall in the same year every year. New Year's Day just arrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.

8. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.

9. Nine.

10. Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.

11. "One word"

12. Penguins live in the Antarctic.

13. Neither. The yolk of the egg is yellow.

14. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.

15. They were husband and wife.

16. Meat.

A story of faith

A young man had been to Wednesday Night Bible Study.

The Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's voice. The young man couldn't help but wonder, "Does God still Speak to people?"
After service, he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message. Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways. It was about ten o'clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, "God...If you still speak to people, speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey."
As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk.

He shook his head and said out loud, "God is that you?" He didn't get a reply and started on toward home.

But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk. The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli. "Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk." It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home. As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, "Turn Down that street."

This is crazy he thought, and drove on past the intersection. Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street. At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half jokingly, he said out loud,

"Okay, God, I will."

He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in a semi- commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed. Again, he sensed something, "Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street." The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat.

"Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going
to be mad and I will look stupid." Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk. Finally, he opened the door, "Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something, but if they don't answer right away, I am out of here."

He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, "Who is it? What do you want?" Then the door opened before the young man could get away.

The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. "What is it?" The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, "Here, I brought this to you." The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway.

Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face. The man began speaking and half crying, "We were just praying. We had
some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk."

His wife in the kitchen yelled out, "I ask him to send an Angel with some. Are you an Angel?" The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face. He knew that God still answers prayers.

Jokes

1. The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.

"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."


2. It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your boobs," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"



3. There were three guys talking in the pub.

Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives,

while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

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The third fellow says , "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."




4. ~: Nine words women use :~

1.) Fine!: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3! .) Nothing!: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

4.) Go Ahead!: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Mmm! (Loud Sigh): This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the ! most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question or reply. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever!: Is a women's way of saying F**K U!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3 ************ ********* ********* ********

Beautiful story on caring and giving

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."
Then he told the following story:
Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?" Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not
expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."
Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the
ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher. The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder
and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.
All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay" Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third!"
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.
"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world".
Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

Some investing principles

• Investing
• Ben graham says you don't have to do extraordinary things to do get extraordinary results. Keep it simple.
• Give the kid a hammer n everything starts looking like a nail.
• Don't own a stock that would cause you to panic and dump your shares if the price falls by 50%
• Think 10 yrs rather than 10 minutes, if you cant hold the stock for a decade, don't buy it in the first place
• Investing is where you find a few great companies and sit on your ass
• Don't be contrarian for the sake of it
• Better to hit singles n doubles regularly than to strike out swinging for the fences
• Make a list of your top companies n the max prices u will be willing to pay for them. Wait on the sidelines for opportunities
• Shun the ticker. Turn off the noise. Study the playing field n not the scoreboard. Ben graham says, "in the short run, mkt is a voting machine, but in the long run it is a weighting machine"
• Don't swing at every pitch
• Mistakes of commission are worse than mistakes of omission
• Omission - missing a multibagger - discipline in action
• Commission - investing in losers - reflects breakdown of discipline
• Don't get distracted by macro issues, focus on what you know ie the workings of the business
• Stay within ur circle of competence
• Volatility - Mr market's dramatic mood swings creates opportunities .. look for those with significant margin of safety
• Be greedy when others r fearful; be fearful when others r greedy
• Read a lot

• What to look for
• If you don't understand a business don't buy it
• Differentiate between a volatile stock and volatile business
• Mkt caps r a measure of co's clout n borrowing power but cash in the door qtr after qtr matters more
• Look for companies with favourable long term prospects run by honest n competent mgt
• Look for a business that has been doing the same thing that it was doing a decade ago. Why
• It had plenty of time to figure out how to get things right
• Co. has likely found a niche
• Look for economic franchises - cos which provide products
• Needed or desired
• Not overly capital intensive
• Seen by its customers to have no close substitutes
• No price regulation
• Look for companies with moats - sustainable competitive advantages
• Look for absence of change..old economy ..boring n mundane businesses
• Concentrate - too much of a good thing is wonderful
• If you are on the right flower, stay there. Avoid the temptations of hyperactivity
• Evaluate the mgt
• Frugal or spendthrift
• Repurchases shares/ avoids dilution
• Candid annual report
• If the mgt claims to know the future, earnings projections n growth expectations - bad sign
• If they hit the targets repeatedly - something is being manipulated

Jokes

1. "Get this." said Paul to his friends, "Last night, while I was down
at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything?" Greg asked.

Paul said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken ribs."

Greg wondered, "Whoa! But... how???"

Paul replied, "Well, it was really late at night and Maria thought it
was *me* coming home drunk!!"


2. Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.

The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!".

T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better.

He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!".

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.

He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better.

He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!".

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?".

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!".

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.


3. I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack.

"Where's your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a minute, I'll see."

Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.

An indignant yell came from above.

Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yes, she's in the shower."


4. When I was managing an office, I instituted a rule that there would be no playing games on our computers. So I wouldn't be a hypocrite, I had an information technologist get rid of the games on my laptop along with all the others in the office. Therefore, I was surprised to find my grandson playing Solitaire on it one weekend. I asked if he had loaded the game.

"No," he answered, "it was already there. It was just hidden - taken off the Main Menu."

On Monday, I chided our information technologist for not getting rid of the game.

"But," he explained, "I thought I just had to keep it away from *you* - not from a nine year-old."