Funny: Some jokes

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better..

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Funny: Some jokes

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give him more just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

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An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.

But being cautious, he hired a private detective (without letting the detective know who had hired him) for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men.

After a few days, the politician at last received his detective's report, which went like this:

"Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear, her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to my sources, for the last couple of months she's been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."

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A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!" 

Humor: What is gold worth ?

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you,"

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter, seeing the suitcase, says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!?!"

Funny: Some jokes

MORE POINTS TO PONDER

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why do you have to "put your tupence in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come the Americans choose from just two people for their President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Funny: Some jokes

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it is my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

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"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

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Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to
discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

Humor: THE PERKS OF GETTING OLD

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

You can't remember who sent you this list.

Humor: Some good questions

Is atheism a non-prophet organisation?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still
wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp"; to have an "S" in it?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole aeroplane made out of that stuff?

Funny: Some jokes

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

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God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,

" Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'. "

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

( I love this )

"Get your own dirt."

Funny: Some jokes

A saleswoman is driving through an Indian reservation toward home when she sees an Indian woman thumbing for a ride on the side of the road.

As the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Indian woman gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat.

"What's in the bag?" asks the Indian woman.

"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband," says the saleswoman.

The Indian lady is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade".

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My neighbour was bitten by a stray rabid dog.

I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about writing a will.

He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite!"

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T-SHIRT SLOGANS

"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"

"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"

"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"

"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on."

"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory."

Funny: The Romantic Husband

Husband and wife are in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."

Funny: Cuckoo Clock

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was
2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized that she'd probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, "Twelve." She didn't seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

"Why is that?" he asked.

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

Funny: Some jokes

How long have you been driving without a tail light, mam?" the
policeman asked Cathy, a blonde.

Cathy jumped out, ran to the rear of her car, and gave a low moan.

Her distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on her a bit.

"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't
that serious."

"It isn't?" cried Cathy. "What happened to my husband's boat and trailer?


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A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was
meeting with considerable sales resistance.

"Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.

"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding
around on a cow."

"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as I'd look trying
to milk a bicycle!"

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While hiking in the countryside, my friend Eve and I spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered a large basketful and sautéed them that night. My husband Phil refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous.

Two weeks later, Eve and I gathered some more mushrooms. This time, Phil joined us.

"How is it that you're eating these mushrooms tonight," I asked, "when you wouldn't touch the ones we brought home 2 weeks ago? "What changed your mind?"

"I thought about it," Phil explained seriously, "and I figured it would be better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in my home."

Joke: Three men died and went to hell

When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and
he replied "I have a drinking problem." so the devil puts him in a
room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door.

He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there the guy then says, "I can't
stop cheating on my wife." The devil then puts him in a room with the
hottest girl ever and locks the door.

Then he asks the last guy why he was there he reply "I'm a pot
smoker." So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot.

In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door
and the guy comes out and says," I will never drink again!" so the
devil sends him to heaven.

He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says"
I will never look at another woman again!" so the devil sends him to heaven.

Finally he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there
is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face.

When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, "Hey man you got a light??"

Joke: Fairies may not be so helpful after all

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding  anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being  loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you eac h a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen  Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but  an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. :)


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female..... 

Joke: The best dog

The Indians and Pakistanis at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Pakistanis found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.


When the day came for the dog fight, the Indians showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Indians because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Pakistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Pakistani dog. The Pakistani dog snarled and leaped out
of it's cage and charged the Indian dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Pakistani dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Pakistani dog.

The Pakistanis came up to the Indians shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."


"That's nothing", an Indian replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Funny: Some jokes

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, Idon't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works ! "

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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde

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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

Joke: Favorite Animal

My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken".

 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.

 

My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.  He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

 

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

 

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

 

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her "Colonel Sanders". She sent me to the principal's office again.

 

This school stuff is really confusing.  

Funny: Some jokes

A friend of mine was having a bit of marital tension in his household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it.

In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."

My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"

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On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to order a quart of potato salad.

"We don't sell it by the quart," the salesman snapped.

"Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied.

I'm proud to say that I held my tongue when she asked, "Do you want it in one container?"

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Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?" Then I dropped out of the race.

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Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, the young daughter said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look and yelled, "How dare you talk about your father like that!"

Humor: Habits don't change

Are You Here?

Yakov was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had  gathered around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked, "Mama... you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Sammy... you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Isadore... you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Rosalie... you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Rachel... you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

With his face purple with rage, struggling to his elbows, the old  man shouted, "So who's watching the store?"

Humor: Laws Of Parenting

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits... it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.