Humour: Jokes from the bar - Part 2

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."

A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"

The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman:
"What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says the man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman.

Humour: Jokes from the bar - Part 1

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, Bartender, two beers please. One for me, and one for the road."

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel fastened to his fly. The bartender points and says, "Hey! You have a steering wheel stuck on your fly!" And the pirate says: "Arrrgh. And it's driving me nuts!"

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"

A guy walks into a bar wearing nothing but a set of jumper cables. He says, "Bartender, give me a beer." The bartender says, "You can a beer, but I don't want you starting anything!"

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus."The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here. "The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, you won't get many more.

"A termite walks into a bar and asks , "Is the bartender here?"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A three-legged dog walks into a bar. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

Humour: What is the difference between men and women?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

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3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

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4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

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5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

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6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

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7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

Recipe: White Bean Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: at least 1-1/2 hours


1-1/2 C navy, pea, or other dried white beans, washed & picked over
About 6 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, plus more if necessary
1 medium onion, quartered
2 T butter or extra-virgin olive oil (optional)
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

Place the beans, stock or water, and onion in a large, deep saucepan or casserole; turn the heat to medium-high. When it boils, turn the heat down to medium-low and cover partially. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the beans are very soft, at least 1 hour.
Put the mixture through a food mill or strainer, or puree it in a blender. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.) Reheat, adding more stock or water if necessary to achieve the consistency you like. Stir in the butter or oil, season with salt and pepper, garnish, and serve.

Recipe: Mushroom Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: 30 minutes

2 oz or more dried porcini mushrooms (optional; use if you have only button mushrooms for fresh)
2 T butter or extra-virgin olive oil
1 lb fresh mushrooms, preferably a combination, cleaned, trimmed, & sliced, the stems reserved for another use, a few slices reserved for garnish
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
2 T minced shallots
1 t minced garlic
4 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, preferably warmed
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

If you are using dried mushrooms, soak them in hot water to cover for about 15 minutes while you prepare the other ingredients.
Place the butter or oil in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium. When the butter melts or the oil is hot, add the fresh mushrooms and turn the heat to medium-high. Cook, stirring, for about 10 minutes, until they begin to brown. As they cook, drain the dried mushrooms if you're using them (strain and reserve their soaking liquid), and stir them into the mixture. Season the mushrooms with salt and pepper as they cook.
Add the shallots and garlic and cook, stirring, for 1 minute. Add the stock and reserved mushroom soaking liquid and bring the mixture just about to a boil. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.) Turn off the heat, garnish, and serve.


Cream of Mushroom Soup

Couldn't be easier. Reduce the amount of stock by 1 cup. Add 1 T dry sherry (optional) along with the stock. Stir in 1 cup light or heavy cream or half-and-half just before serving, and heat through (do not boil). Garnish with snipped chives and sliced mushrooms.

Recipe: White Bean Soup w/Vegetables

Makes 4 servings
Time: at least 1-1/2 hours

Less pure than the proceeding, but more flavorful. Vary the vegetables as you wish.

1 C navy, pea, or other dried white beans, washed & picked over
6 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, plus more if necessary
2 carrots, peeled & roughly chopped
1 medium turnip or parsnip, peeled & roughly chopped
1 potato, peeled & roughly chopped
1 celery stalk, roughly chopped
3 or 4 sprigs fresh parsley, plus minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish
½ t fresh rosemary or thyme leaves or ¼ t dried
2 T butter or extra-virgin olive oil (optional)
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste

Place the beans and stock or water together in a large saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium-high; add the carrots, turnip, potato, celery, parsley, and herb. When it boils, turn the heat down to medium-low and cover partially. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the beans are very soft, at least 1 hour.
Put the mixture through a food mill or strainer, or puree it in a blender. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.) Reheat, adding more stock or water if necessary to achieve the consistency you like. Stir in the butter or oil, season with salt and pepper, garnish, and serve.

Recipe: Cream of Broccoli (or Any Vegetable) Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: 30 minutes

There are thousands of recipes for true cream of vegetable soups, but the differences among them are subtle at best. Basically, you cook the vegetable you want with good flavorings until it's done. Then you puree it and reheat it with cream. (The addition of rice or potatoes makes the soup smooth and creamy without outrageous amounts of cream. One-quarter cup is enough to lighten the color and smooth the texture; one full cup lends an incompatible richness.)

About 1 lb broccoli, trimmed & cut up, to yield about 4 loosely packed cups broccoli, or the equivalent amount of cauliflower, carrots, turnips, celery, or other vegetable
½ C rice or 1 medium baking potato, peeled& cut into quarters
4 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
¼ to 1 C heavy or light cream or half-and-half
Minced fresh parsley leaves or chives for garnish

Combine the broccoli, rice or potato, and stock or water in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium-high. Bring to a boil, then lower the heat to medium and cook until the vegetables are very tender, about 15 minutes.
Cool slightly, then puree in a food mill or in a blender. Return to the pot and reheat over medium-low heat. Season with salt and pepper, then add the cream; heat through again, garnish, and serve.

Humour: KIDS' KITCHEN TERMS

BOIL:
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE:
Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

DESSERT:
The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE:
Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FRUIT:
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert

REFRIGERATOR:
A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

SODA POP:
Shake 'N Spray.

TABLE LEG:
Percussion instrument

Humour: Job Search jargon

Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long-time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen and figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.

CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary;
you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of
the real daring guys wear earrings.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Humour: Cost cutting measures in a hospital

To: All Staff
From: Administration
Re: Hospital Costs

In an effort to reduce costs this year, the following are effective immediately. Please share this information with your patients and physicians as soon as possible.

1. Food service will be discontinued immediately. Patients wishing to eat will want to get their families to bring them a brown bag meal, or you may make your own arrangements with Subway, Dominoes, etc. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose.

2. Our phone operators have all been let go, so if your are walking through the lobby and hear the telephone ringing, please answer it.

3. We have found it necessary to make substantial reductions in our transport team so we ask the cooperation of all patients. One transporter will take at least six patients in wheelchairs at a time to Radiology, PT and other services. Please form a "train" by holding tightly on to the handles of the wheelchair in front of you.

4. Our Emergency Room is really busy from 3 PM to 11 PM so, if you can, please have your accidents and heart attacks in the mornings or early afternoons. That would really be helpful and will help to reduce your wait.

5. To expedite surgery cases, all AM admits and outpatient surgery patients are asked to report to the hospital 3 hours prior to surgery. Go to Central Sterile and pick up a clean instrument
tray & surgery pack and proceed to the Surgery Holding area. To help us reduce drug costs, please take several aspirin prior and drink a six-pack of your favorite brewskee before to arriving at the hospital for surgery.

6. Patients anticipating the need for a bedpan can check one out in the gift shop. They will be available in a wide variety of colors and styles to meet the aesthetic and physical requirements of our patients. A deposit will be required but returned if the bedpan is returned clean.

7. To reduce patients' lengths of stay, nurses will have a choice of using in-line skates or skateboards. To expedite response to patient's needs and discharges, nurse call systems will be modified and will be wired to a collar worn by nurses, which will deliver a mild shock when pushed by the patient.

8. Taking a cue from the airlines, Respiratory Therapists will be replaced by oxygen masks which will, should the need arise, automatically drop from the ceiling over patient beds. If this occurs, please place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally.

9. The hospital got a real sweet deal on surplus white waiters' jackets and these will be issued to all physicians. Doctors, we apologize in advance because the jackets already had a first
name embroidered on the pocket. We will work with you to find a name that you can live with.

10. All first time moms are asked to volunteer to help out on the Pediatrics floor - not only will this reduce hospital costs, but it will give you a much needed experience and a dose of reality after ogling over your own precious sleeping bundle of joy.

11. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Family members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean public areas to receive special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.

12. Plant operations and Engineering are being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from
administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on
Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

13. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

14. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Walgreen's photo lab. Two prints will be provided
for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Walgreen's will honor all competitors' coupons for one-hour processing in
emergency situations, so if you come across coupons from other vendors, please clip them and send them to the Emergency Department.

15. In light of the extremely hot summer temperature and the high A/C bills that we received last summer, our new policy is to have fans available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. For those patients who do not wish to use electric fans, the old reliable hand held cardboard fans on a stick are free upon request.

16. The cost of hospital gowns continues to escalate so patients are asked to bring their own pajama top which nurses will be happy to slit up the back for you. Pajama bottoms are not permitted on patient units.

17. On the way to the hospital, please stop by Target or Wal-Mart and pick up two sets of twin bed sheets. Should you require extra linens during your stay, coin operated washers and dryers
are available for patient use.

18. Administration is assuming responsibility for grounds keeping duties. If an Administrator cannot be reached by calling the Administrative Offices, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mover, weed-whacker, etc.

19. The hospital chapel will close down permanently so be sure to look up the number to "Dial-A-Prayer" if the situation arises for a spiritual consultation.

20. Please make sure you take a long hot shower or bath before staying with us because the hot water will be turned off permanently. If you're well enough to take a shower or bath, you're well enough to be at home.

21. With the recent finding that elevators use more electricity to go up and less to go down, please fit as many people as possible in the elevator before leaving the ground floor. The elevators will be programmed to go up only once an hour.

If you have any questions regarding these cost-cutting measures, please let us know. Thank you for your cooperation.

Humour: The last thing that a person did

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all
the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few
survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says
the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room,
and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in
stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the
mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing
he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

Recipe: Spinach & Egg Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: 20 minutes

Use watercress instead of spinach, peanut oil instead of butter, and a couple of tablespoons of soy sauce instead of nutmeg and Parmesan, and you've got egg drop soup. Who said Italy and China were far apart?

1 lb spinach, well washed & picked over
2 T butter
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Pinch freshly grated nutmeg
5 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, preferably warmed
2 eggs
At least ½ C freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Steam or simmer the spinach in a medium-to-large saucepan until it wilts. Cool it under cold water, squeeze it dry, and chop it finely.
Place the butter in a large, deep saucepan and turn the heat to medium. When it melts, add the spinach, salt, pepper, and nutmeg. Add the stock or water and bring to a boil.
Turn the heat to medium so that the soup is bubbling but not furiously. Mix the eggs with about ½ cup of cheese, and then add them to the soup in a steady stream. You want the eggs to "scramble," not just to thicken the soup, but you don't want them to lump up, so stir constantly.
Cook, stirring occasionally, until the eggs are cooked and the soup is thick, 2 or 3 minutes. Serve with bread, passing more Parmesan at the table.

Recipe: Minestrone Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: 45 minutes to 1 hour

Essentially, vegetable soup, best made with a little bit of prosciutto. Consider this recipe a series of suggestions, rather than something ironclad; you can make minestrone with any vegetables you have on hand.

4 T extra-virgin olive oil
1 medium onion, minced
1 carrot, peeled & diced
½ C minced prosciutto or other ham (optional)
4 C assorted mixed vegetables, cut into small cubes if necessary: potatoes, carrots, corn, peas, string beans, cooked dried beans (cranberry beans, or borlotti, are traditional), celery, zucchini or summer squash, pumpkin or winter squash, leeks, parsnips, turnips, etc.
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
5 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, preferably warmed
10 sprigs fresh parsley, more or less
1 C cored, peeled, seeded, and chopped tomatoes (canned are fine; include their juice)
Freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Place 3 T of the oil in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium. A minute later, add the onion and carrot. Cook, stirring, until the onion softens, about 5 minutes. Add the ham if you're using it and cook, stirring, another 3 minutes.
Add the remaining vegetables, season with salt & pepper (go easy on the salt if you've included ham), and cook, stirring, for 1 minute. Add the stock or water, parsley, and tomatoes and turn the heat to medium-low. Cook, stirring every now and then, until the vegetables are very soft, about 30 minutes.
Sprinkle with the remaining olive oil and serve, passing the cheese at the table.

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS

Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.

Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.

2 quick jokes - military related

The army medicel officer was testing a base's water supply: "What precautions do you take against infection"? he asked the sargent in charge.

"We first boil the water,Sir," said the sargent.

"Good then"?

"We filter it."

"Excellent,then?"

"Then to be safe,we drink beer."
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Conversation between two eagles flying high in the sky when they see a jet

aircraft speeding by:

First Eagle: Wow,just look at the bird fly!

Second Eagle: So would you if your tail was on fire!

Humour: Therapy for a depressed man

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've
got to help me. I can't go on like this. "

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter
how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your
self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom
mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an
attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll
have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit
excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression
on his face.

" Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked all right. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the
best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does ."

Humour: Dispute between a big city lawyer and others

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old
rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which
the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by
the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the
back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him
aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best
selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was
asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on
you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the
fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that
morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little
worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home
this morning."

Humour: A couple before a counselor for divorce proceedings

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."

The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"

"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."

"What about my furniture? I paid for that."

"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."

There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"

That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."

The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."

Humour: Love based on reactions from children

Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

Humour: A conversation between a catholic priest and a rabbi

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.

"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop... maybe within the next couple of years."

"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"

"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop... given luck and God's blessing."

"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"

"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."

"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"

The priest smiles, "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope... but I'm hardly likely to become... hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."

"Splendid! I would take personal pride in your becoming the Pope. And after Pope what?"

The priest looks at him in surprise, "After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just God above the Pope... I can't become God."

"So why not, the Rabbi said, "one of our boys made it."

Humour: How do you know you are part of a family ..

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook people taking things out on you when, if through
no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax at any given moment,

If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then,........

You are probably the family dog.

Hospital humour: Hospital Chart Bloopers

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Software humour: A guide to software revisions

1.0:
Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror.

1.1:
We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2:
Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0:
We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, its really not what the customer needs yet, but were working on it.

2.1:
Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2:
Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you wont believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3:
Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0:
Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1:
Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0:
More features. Its doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...