Some quick jokes

Quickies

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"

His response was, "My mother can."

The teacher replied, "Really?"

The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

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A construction site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please raise his hand."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you raise your hand?" he asked the 10th man.

"Too much trouble," he answered.

Great truths - some posts

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Joke: The speaking parrot

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.

He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.''

''That's alright,'' the man replied.

So the man bought the parrot and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.

The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''

Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''

They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.

The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''

The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''

They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''

The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''

Then they walked into a church and sat down.

The minister was in the middle of the sermon.

He said, ''The Lord is above us.''

The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!''

The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''

The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.''

Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.

The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''

Recipe: Lightening-Quick Fish Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: 20 minutes

If you have fish stock and fish scraps in the freezer, combine them here. If not, use chicken stock or water and fresh fish.

5 C fish, chicken, or shrimp stock, or water
1 large onion, chopped
1 T minced garlic
1 t paprika
Pinch saffron (optional)
1 T extra-virgin olive oil
1 C cored, peeled, seeded, & chopped tomatoes (canned are fine; include their liquid)
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
1-1/2 lbs any white-fleshed fish, cut into small chunks, or fish mixed with shelled seafood, such as clams, shrimp, or scallops
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

Combine all the ingredients except for the fish and parsley in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to high. Bring to a boil, then turn the heat to medium and cook fro 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.
Add the fish and cook, stirring, until it cooks through, about 5 minutes. Garnish and serve.

Soup: Black Bean Soup

Makes 4 to 6 servings
Time: 30 minutes with precooked beans

The best way to serve this soup is to puree about half of it, then pour it back into the pot. But you can also just mash the contents of the pot with a potato masher or large fork to get a similar smooth-chunky effect.

2 T canola or other neutral oil
2 medium onions, chopped
1 T minced garlic
1 T chili powder, or to taste
3 C drained cooked black beans
4 C chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, preferably warmed
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
2 t freshly squeezed lime juice, or to taste
Sour cream or plain yogurt for garnish
Minced cilantro leaves for garnish

Place the oil in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium. A minute later, add the onions and cook, stirring, until softened, about 5 minutes. Stir in the garlic and chili powder and cook, stirring, another minute.
Add the beans and stock or water and season with salt and pepper. Turn the heat to medium-high and bring the soup just about to a boil. Turn the heat to medium-low and cook, stirring occasionally, for about 10 minutes. Turn off the heat.
Force half the contents of the pot through a food mill or carefully puree it in a food processor or blender; or just mash the contents with a potato masher or large fork. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.)
Add the lime juice and stir; taste and adjust seasonings as necessary. Serve, garnished with sour cream or yogurt and minced cilantro.

Recipe: Clam or Fish Chowder

Makes 4 servings
Time: 30 minutes

This becomes corn chowder simply by substituting one (or more) cups of fresh corn kernels for the clams or fish. Better still; just add some fresh corn along with the fish. I sometimes use flour in this recipe, simply because most people are used to very thick chowders; but it isn't necessary.

4 to 6 slices good bacon (about ¼ lb), minced
1 C minced onion
2 C peeled & roughly chopped baking potatoes
2 T flour (optional)
1 t fresh thyme leaves or ½ t dried thyme
2 C any chicken or fish stock, augmented by as much juice as you can salvage when opening the clams
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
1 C milk
1 C heavy cream or half-and-half or more milk
24 hard-shell clams, shucked; or about 1 pint shucked clams, cut up if very large, with their juice; or about 2 C diced or chunked fresh delicate white fish, such as cod
1 T butter
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

Fry the bacon in a large, deep saucepan or casserole over medium-high heat until crisp. Remove with a slotted spoon and cook the onion and potatoes in the bacon fat until the onion softens, 10 minutes. Sprinkle with the optional flour and the thyme and stir. Add the stock and cook until the potatoes are tender, about 10 minutes. (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point. Cover, refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.)
Add salt and pepper, then the milk and cream; add the clams or fish and bring barely to a simmer over low heat. Float the butter on top of the chowder; by the time it melts, the clams or fish will be ready. Garnish and serve.

Recipe: Shrimp Soup w/Cumin

Makes 4 servings
Time: 45 minutes

1 to 1-1/4 lbs shrimp, shells on
5 C shrimp or chicken stock, or water
¼ C extra-virgin olive oil
4 cloves garlic, peeled
4 thick slices French or Italian bread
1 t ground cumin
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

Peel the shrimp and simmer the shells in a medium saucepan with the stock or water while you continue with the recipe.
Place the olive oil in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium. Add the garlic cloves and cook, stirring occasionally, until they are a very deep golden, almost brown, about 10 minutes. Remove them with a slotted spoon and set aside to cool.
Turn the heat to low and brown the bread in the oil on both sides, in batches if necessary; it will take about 5 minutes. Remove the slices and spread each with about ½ clove of the cooked garlic. Mince the remaining garlic.
Cut each of the shrimp into 3 or 4 pieces. Strain the warmed stock into the casserole, turn the heat to medium, and bring to a gentle boil. Add the shrimp, cumin, salt, and pepper, and cook over low heat for 3 or 4 minutes.
Place a piece of bread in each of four bowls, then ladle in a portion of soup with shrimp. Sprinkle with the minced garlic, garnish, and serve.

Top Eleven Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same Since Broke Back Mountain

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"

Adult Joke: Trying to fool the machine into giving an improper analysis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Joke: Billy Bob's widow goes to write a obituary for her beloved dead husband

A older woman down south goes into the local newspaper office to see that
the obituary for her recently deceased husband is properly written. (She had
always been known for her accuracy to details, second only to her famous
sense of thrift.) Only his beloved pickup truck remained to remind her of
his presence.

The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a
word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Billy
Bob died."

Although amused at the woman's cleverness, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am
there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

This causes her to become only a little flustered, so she thinks things over
for a few seconds. "In that case," she says, "let it read, 'Billy Bob died,
1983 Pickup for sale.'"

Joke: The man escapes from prison after 15 years, and his instincts are ..

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Joke: How to tell who gate crashed the party

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.
Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.

The He smiled and said

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"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party"

Joke: Polish guy complaining of wife trying to kill him

One day an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"

Enjoy: Some more weird laws and humour related to it

In Athens, Greece, a driver's license can be lifted by the law if the driver is deemed either 'poorly dressed' or 'unbathed'.

On the island of Jersey it's against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

In Alabama it is illegal to carry a comb in your pocket, because it may be used as a weapon. This comes after a 13 year old boy was killed when he was stabbed with a comb.

In Michigan, it is illegal to chain an alligator to a fire hydrant.

It is against the law to whale hunt in Oklahoma.

In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal for a moose to walk on the side walk. This dates back to the early days if the town when the owner of the bar had a pet moose that he used to get drunk. The moose would then stumble around the town drunk. The only way the law makers could prevent this from happining was to create the law so the moose could not cross the sidewalk and get into the bar.

In Quebec, Canada, an old law states that margarine must be a different colour from butter. This law is the result of Quebec dairy lobbyists' pressure to ''protect'' their dairy business. They claimed margarine was beginning to resemble butter, as to be mistaken for real butter. Make margarine unattractive, and consumers would stick to butter. The Quebec government caved in, and tried to impose a dark vermilion-coloured margarine, which was disgusting. The colour, finally, at the other extreme, is a pallid almost-white-colourless margarine.

According to a british law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offense. Offenders could be hanged for trying.

It is illegal to sell an ET doll in France. They have a law forbidding the sale of dolls that do not have human faces.

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