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Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Jokes

1. A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally received the following note from one of his creditors:

"Dear Sir, Your account has been on our books for over a year.

We want to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did."



2. As part of an effort to crack down on terrorist activity within Britain,
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has instituted a new series of tests that any
applicant for British citizenship must pass:

- The ability to express the full range of human emotion by gentle throat
clearing.

- The ability to drink a full pint of warm flat beer (non-alcoholic beer is
permitted, but in this case two pints must be consumed).

- The ability to complement the cook after consuming a dinner of cold
mashed potatoes, cold peas, and cold burnt meat.

- The ability to instinctively know if it's tea first or milk first.

- The ability to praise the French while clearly indicating that since 1066
they've pretty much been a bunch of losers.

- The ability to praise the Americans while clearly indicating that they
got lucky that one time in the late 1700s.

And finally

- The ability to utter the phrase "British Way of Life" without cracking
even the hint of a smile.



3. A graduate in economics who completed his degree in the 1950's returned to his old university for a visit.

He was amazed to see that the examination questions were identical to the ones asked in his day.

When he pointed this out to a member of staff, he replied, "That's true, but, of course, the answers are completely different now."


4. Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, " Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"
This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you." The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?" Again, the reply was, " I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?" To which the priest replied, "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in here!"

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