Joke - Hungry Monkey and being careful

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. 

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says "No what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprize me" replied the guy "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. 

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. 

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Joke: Using an alternate fuel for the car

Dr. Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol.

As luck would have it, a petrol station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a petrol can and buy some petrol.

The attendant told her that the only petrol can he owned had been taken by somebody, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the Doctor was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in the car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two men watched from across
the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm converting my car too."

Joke: What the police do ..

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go
on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top.

After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their
next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a
rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and
cook.

Night falls. First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles,
drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation.
Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable
muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap".
They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the
eyes. "Excellent!" says the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear
themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge
down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs.
For the next hour or so the woods ring with the sound of
rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and
blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying
the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you
achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind
backs, whistling the theme tune from Dixon of Dock Green.
For the next few hours, the silence is broken only by the
occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky
Tango Fanta One; suspect headed straight for you..." etc.
After what seems an eternity , they emerge escorting a
squirrel in handcuffs. "What do you think you are doing?"
asks the incredulous trainer "Take this squirrel back and
get me a rabbit like I asked you to do five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. Night
drags on and dawn breaks. Finally, the trainer and the other
teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed
squirrel, now covered in scrapes and bruises, one eye
swollen shut. "Are you taking the micky?!?!" asks the now
seriously irate trainer. The police team leader nudges the
squirrel, who squeaks: "All right, all right. I'm a rabbit!"

Joke: The gorilla and the tiger at the zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn 
some money as a street performer.

Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper 
grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular 
attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that 
attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as a gorilla until they can get 
another one. The mime accepts the job.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the 
cage before the crowd comes.

He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play 
and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just 
swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the 
lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of the audience, he climbs to the 
top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top 
of the lion's cage.

Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise
for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, 
the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he 
slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers himself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage 
with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, help me!", but 
the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry 
lion and the lion says.....

"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Humor: HOME MECHANIC'S TOOLS.... and their usage....

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle
jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also
works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just
above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to
get the bearing grease out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating
that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last
15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses
in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the
ground after you have installed your new front disk brake
set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a
motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich
tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting
dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in
bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating
grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing
the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may
have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount
prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box
after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just
as you thought.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
"the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under
motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off
Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal
wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it
into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and
rounds them off.

PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Joke: Testing 2 new employees

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and
put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave
them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the
end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them
to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send
them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot
for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for
the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and
chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from
rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the
Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign
them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send
them to Marketing.

Wise story: Dog, squirrel and the panther

An old Dobermann starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Dobermann thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Dobermann exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Dobermann nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Dobermann sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Dobermann says .......
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.