Funny: Understanding relationships:

ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex.

Humor: Reason for the shot

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
DA: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
LoL: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
DA: Did you know him?
LoL: No, but he sure was friendly.
DA: What happened after he sat down?
LoL:He started to rub my thigh.
DA: Did you stop him?
LoL: No, I didn’t stop him.
DA: Why not?
LoL: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
DA: What happened next?
LoL: He began to rub my breasts.
DA: Did you stop him then?
LoL: No, I did not stop him.
DA: Why not?
LoL: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
DA: What happened next?
LoL: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just lay down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
DA: Did he take you?
LoL: No! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him.

Adult joke: Woman is dead

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers...

C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police
chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted: "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers?

Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having sex."

To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural.

"Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"

Humor: What SEX And PARKING SPACES Share In Common:

*You should never have to wait to find one

*You should be able to slide right into one

*Spaces in the front are always the best

*When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice

*It sucks when someone else is double-parked

*Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back

*It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces

*A full-size car is good to find

*People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces

*Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying

*We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit

*A house isn't a home without a parking space

*Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear

*Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?

*The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.

Joke: how bad could the torture test be

A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost. It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under
trees.

One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn't see any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney.

He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?" The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and
haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." The old Chinese man said, I'll let you come in on one condition. You absolutely cannot mess around with my granddaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.

That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time. The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning theman awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your
chest." "What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second
Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock." The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying, "Third Chinese
torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost."

Adult joke: Soldiers back from war ..

Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor, were all on a flight to go home on leave after spending time in Afghanistan. When they landed, a man approached them and said, "Boys, to show my thanks for serving our country I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you don't have to pay for a cab."

The guys thankfully agreed and drove off. Halfway there, the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a lonely stretch of road. Off in the distance they saw a farm house and went to ask to use the phone.

When the man at the door answered and saw the men in uniform, he invited them in. He said, "Boys, for serving our country, I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can shack up with my three daughters. You'll have to discuss amongst yourselves who sleeps with which girl. And there's plenty of beer in the fridge."

The men ate and the first girl came down the stairs, a very pretty girl. The fly boy jumped up and said, "She's mine," and they went upstairs.

The second girl came down, prettier than the first. The jar head snatched her up and they, too, went upstairs.

The sailor waited for the last girl, sure that he would be getting the heifer of the group. To his delight, she came down and was the finest of them all.

The next morning, the farmer was cooking breakfast when the fly boy came down, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking. The farmer asked if he wanted breakfast, but the fly boy said, "No, thank
you, sir. You've done enough already," and left.

The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as the fly boy's, but still acceptable. The farmer offered him food, but he only drank coffee, thanked the farmer and left.

The sailor finally came down, still a little drunk, neckerchief messed up and missing a shoe. The farmer offered him breakfast. The sailor ate everything offered and left without even a 'thank you.'

After they all were gone, the farmer called his girls down. Rubbing his hands together greedily, he said, "OK, girls, how did we do?"

The girl who had been with the airman said, "He fondled me a little, drank a beer, fell asleep and gave me $200!"

The girl who had been with the marine said, "He made love to me one time, had a couple beers and gave me $150."

The poor girl who had been with the sailor appeared tired and worn out, saying, "He made love to me all night, drank the rest of the beer, and I'll be damned if he didn't borrow $50 from me till next payday!" 

Adult joke: Not everything is fair

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," he replied, "but it happened to my sister!"

Adult joke: Dog is in heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Joke: Who pays for everything ?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.


While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Mecedes I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your football season tickets.

HE paid for our house on that rich hill

HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cab driver and says "What would you do?"

The cab driver replies, "I'd cover him quickly  with that blanket before he catches cold!!" 

Adult Joke - The prisoner and the life sentence

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

Adult Joke: Making love to a girl in the back seat of a car

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love.

The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and
they do it again. She still wants more and the guy, by now exhausted, says:

"Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself."

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a
flat. He goes up to the guy and says;

"Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or
five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll
take over for me."

The guy agrees. He jumps into the back of the car and starts to go at
it with the woman.

He's just getting to the gravy strokes when a cop knocks on the
window and shines a light on them.

The cop asks, "What're you doing in there?"

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks, "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife
until you shined the light on her.

Joke: The man escapes from prison after 15 years, and his instincts are ..

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Joke: Maybe trying again is the best option

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, 'You can try again.'

Adult Joke: How to decide whether to golf left-handed or right-handed

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 am on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group? They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they would see what they thought. They all agreed, and she said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up setting a course record under par. The guys went nuts, and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week, and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her under score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right and left-handed for the day?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the cover sheet off my husband who sleeps in the nude. If his "you-know-what if is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointing to the left, I golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

Adult Joke - Extra charge by manager

I remember of a joke of a couple who went to Hotel for 2night/3day package holiday stay. On one night they did not take dinner. At the time of settling the bill they were charged for dinner. Husband asked" Why?"
Manager replied that dinner was available you did not take it. It is your fault.
Husband thought for a moment and said in that case you should pay me USD 500 . Manager exclaimed Why!!!!!
Husband said" you enjoyed with my wife last night and her charge is USD 500 per night."
Manager" I did not have anything with your wife!!"
Husband " Yes but she was available. You did not avail. It is your fault"

Joke: Sex between an older man and younger woman

An older man was married to a younger woman.

After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack.

The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep
in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex
wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.

He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

Joke: Good sense in keeping the mouth shut

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Joke: Ask a question to Charlie

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, " Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, " I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in here!"

Joke: Privates vs. sergeants

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates
to Sergeants. Not long after,they're out for a walk and Bubba says,
"Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have
a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior,
I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants
now."

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to
Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and
make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in
the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay,
give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay
sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible
case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the
privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says,
"But we's Sergeants now!

Humour: HOW TO MAKE LOVE LIKE A MAN

1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming desire for sex.

2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner.

3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you remember. Foreplay.

4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just warming up to room temperature.

5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your partner as turned on as you are. After much groping, finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV.

6. Offer to give oral sex, your third most favorite sexual activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving oral sex, your first most favorite sexual activity.

7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate, find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear of the entire encounter ending right there.

8. Almost "forget" birth control.

9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity. Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind on the antiorgasmic image of the boy who peed on the school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts, your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns into a huge, rocking iron bed.

10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares, at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming from your own mouth.

11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room.

12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was.