Humor: Out the mouths of men.....

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Adult humor: What are men like ?

Men are like .........Laxatives ............. They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ........ Bananas .............. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ........ Vacations ............. They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ........ Weather ............... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ........ Blenders .............. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ......... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ........ Commercials ........ You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ........ Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ........ Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ........ Mascara .................... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ........ Popcorn .............. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ........ Snowstorms ............... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like . .......Lava Lamps ............... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ........ Parking Spots ............ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

Humor: 100 Cool Things About Being A Guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Night Football.

6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8. You can open all of your own jars.

9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you ... unless you're playing hockey.

16. You don't have to lug a bag full of stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19. Your last name stays put.

20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22. You can kill your own food.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."

26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

27. You never have to clean a toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship

34. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

35. You don't have to shave below your neck.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president.

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

51. Foreplay is optional.

52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.

59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64. One mood, all the time.

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because "this one's just too gross."

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

69. Same work...more pay!

70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.

74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75. You don't mooch off of other's desserts.

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.

78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

79. ESPN's SportsCenter.

80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.

86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."

88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.

94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person won't stop you from having great sex with them.

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"

99. Baywatch

100. There's always a game
on somewhere.

Humor: The Modern Toolbox

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing
you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 999 (112).

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chain saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice

Funny: Why men feel sorry

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.

If you stay at home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.

If you don't, you are insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.

If you don't, you are gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.

If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.

If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.

If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.

If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed.

If you don't, there must be someone else.

Humor: 22 similarities between men and dogs

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous

6. Neither understands what you see in cats.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both break wind shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

13. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

14. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

15. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

16. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

17. You can train a dog.

18. Dogs are easy to buy for.

19. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

21. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

22. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Joke: Jumping from a cliff

Long time ago, a man and a woman were madly in love.

They wanted to marry, but parents didn’t approve.

So they decided to suicide together, and planned to jump from a mountain.

The man could not bear to see his Sweet Heart Fall, so he convinced her that he will jump first, and he jumped.
But the girl never jumped.

Thereafter all men decided to say…..
“LADIES FIRST"

Humour: Men and housework

Do men just play dumb when it comes to cleaning?
Is this an obvious attempt to avoid any sort of housework?
I used to think so, but now I think it may have something to do with
a testosterone brain block or something.

Broom (brum) - a long handled brush used for sweeping (also doubles
as a mode of transportation for your mother)

Vacuum (vak' u em) - much like the leaf blower except it sucks in,
instead of blowing out. Don't let this alarm you. It isn't broken and
doesn't need more torque, speed, RAM or whatever it is you did to the
dishwasher.

Dust Pan (DUH) - Contrary to popular belief, this is where you sweep
the dirt, not under the hallway area rug.

Dust Cloth (dust kloth) - A cloth designated for removing tiny
particles of dirt from every flat surface of the house. Hint: look
for your old "lucky shirt".

Bucket (buk' it) - Cylindric container used for holding soapy water
when mopping the floor. Also known as your mid-evil knight helmet
when you're playing with our seven-year-old.

Mop (mop) - a bundle of coarse yarn, rags or cloth fastened at the
end of a stick. You'll remember this as your dance partner at the New
Year's Eve party last year.

Toilet Brush (toi' lit brush) - Used for scrubbing the inside of the
toilet bowl. I don't care what this looks like, you may NOT use my
shower luffa again!

Oven Cleaner (uv' en Klen' er) - No, not the teenager. This is an
actual product that you buy, spray in the oven and wipe out two hours
later. You won't need your welder's mask for this task, but if it
makes you feel more dangerous, go ahead.

Sponge (spunj) - used to gently wash away food particles from
dinnerware. It won't be necessary to use your 300psi Power wash set.
That was given to you in hopes of cleaning the exterior of the house
(hint hint).

Squeegee (skwe' je) - Same principle as washing the car windshield,
and yes, real men do squeegee!

Final Note: While Duct tape may be a wonderful plumbers aid, it's
really not the best solution for keeping the bathroom towels in
place, and Jamie's teacher is still asking why his homework was stuck
to his forehead last week. For these reasons, I have hidden the duct
tape and distributed your picture to the local hardware stores. Don't
make me call Duct Tape Anonymous again.

Take your time, everything will be fine. If you need me, I'll be in
the basement cleaning up the smoke damage from your "do it yourself"
electrical rewiring incident last week.

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS

Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.

Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.

Humour: Things women should know about men.........

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, you should be worried about him.

16. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

17. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

18. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

19. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily.

20. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

21. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget. He didn't lose your number. He didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

22. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you; I want to marry you; I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave so fast, they leave skid marks.

23. Men are self confident because they grow up identifying with super heroes. Women have bad self images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

24. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

25. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Humour: Why dogs are better than humans

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

Dogs don't laugh at how you throw.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are easy to buy for.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what no means.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Humour: All about men

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: Oh about 45 pounds.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.

Q. How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. "I can do better than this."

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for directions.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Some great quotes about men and women, and marriage - Humour

Women are like Elephants.
I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. -- W.C. Fields

Guys are like dogs.
They keep coming back.
Ladies are like cats.
Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. -- Lenny Bruce

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. -- Tim Allen

With my wife I don't get no respect.
I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. -- Rodney Dangerfield

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine:
We were both crazy about girls. -- Groucho Marx

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.' -- Mark Klein

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy? -- Benny Hill

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?' -- Emo Philips

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. -- Les Dawson

A girl phoned me the other day and said ...
Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. -- Rodney Dangerfield

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always (Always Right).

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

The eligible, handsome and not so eligible men, along with other parameters such as ugliness

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have no money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have money and thank God are straight, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW...WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?!?!

Humour: How men change - 6 weeks, 6 months, and 6 years

The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why did I marry you?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home!
After 6 months: I'm BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it's for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!

Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I'm going to watch PIRATES play, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!

Making Love:
After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight?
After 6 months: Lets make another baby, my mother just called!!!
After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I'm suffocating here!!!!

Humour: HOME MECHANIC'S TOOLS.... and their usage....

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Humour: Definitions For My Husband On Thanksgiving Day

PLAYBOOK: Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain sight at all times. If the book gets moved, the game could get ugly.

OFFSIDES: Silverware is to be set next to the plates -- off to the side, dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in a heap, for all to scramble for.

GAME TIME: This is when the food must all be on the table, at the same time, at the same temperature (preferably hot) so that the *teams* may meet at the arena (Table) for the coach to say the prayer.

TEAM SPIRIT: That which shall be upheld until the END of the game. When the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT MARTHA saying that she's had enough to eat).

COMMERCIAL BREAKS: There will be NONE for us, until I deem them totally necessary for my sanity, when you have made me crazy!

PENALTIES: Will be given if there is no team spirit showing and the game time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due to a certain *televised* football game engaging your attention!

HOLDING: May be necessary of several large bowls, so that I may pour gravy without staining my new silk blouse. And keep in mind dear, I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for ransom ;).

TOUCHDOWNS: Please make them gentle when bowls are being touched down on the table. Do not spike them, and do not dance when the mission is complete!

FLAG ON THE PLAY: When something is spilled, PLEASE by all means throw a towel down on it and mop it up!

RUSHING: What we will be doing a lot of!!

GROOMING THE FIELD: Dear husband, if you help me through this meal, as I know you will, I promise to RECRUIT new players for the clean up and YES... in plenty of time for you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!!

Joke: Good sense in keeping the mouth shut

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Humour: What a men expects, and what he gets

WHAT A MAN EXPECTS

~ She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
~ She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
~ She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
~ Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
~ She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
~ She will insist that moving the furniture by
herself, it's good for her figure.
~ She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning
house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
~ Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and putting out the bins.
~ She will hate charge cards.
~ Her favorite expression will be,"What can I do for you, honey?"
~ She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. Universe.
~ She will wish you would go out with the boys so
that she could get some sewing done.
~ She will love you because you're so sexy.

WHAT HE USUALLY GETS

~ She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
~ She was once a model for a totem pole.
~ Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
~ She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
~ She lets you know you only have two faults:
everything you do, and everything you say.
~ No matter what she does with it, her hair looks
like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
~ If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you

Humour: Quote about men and handsome men

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING sex???