Joke: how bad could the torture test be

A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost. It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under
trees.

One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn't see any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney.

He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?" The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and
haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." The old Chinese man said, I'll let you come in on one condition. You absolutely cannot mess around with my granddaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.

That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time. The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning theman awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your
chest." "What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second
Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock." The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying, "Third Chinese
torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost."

Joke: What the police do ..

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go
on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top.

After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their
next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a
rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and
cook.

Night falls. First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles,
drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation.
Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable
muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap".
They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the
eyes. "Excellent!" says the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear
themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge
down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs.
For the next hour or so the woods ring with the sound of
rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and
blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying
the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you
achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind
backs, whistling the theme tune from Dixon of Dock Green.
For the next few hours, the silence is broken only by the
occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky
Tango Fanta One; suspect headed straight for you..." etc.
After what seems an eternity , they emerge escorting a
squirrel in handcuffs. "What do you think you are doing?"
asks the incredulous trainer "Take this squirrel back and
get me a rabbit like I asked you to do five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. Night
drags on and dawn breaks. Finally, the trainer and the other
teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed
squirrel, now covered in scrapes and bruises, one eye
swollen shut. "Are you taking the micky?!?!" asks the now
seriously irate trainer. The police team leader nudges the
squirrel, who squeaks: "All right, all right. I'm a rabbit!"