Some jokes

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished - something's up. It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to be romantic.

The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Adult joke: Soldiers back from war ..

Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor, were all on a flight to go home on leave after spending time in Afghanistan. When they landed, a man approached them and said, "Boys, to show my thanks for serving our country I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you don't have to pay for a cab."

The guys thankfully agreed and drove off. Halfway there, the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a lonely stretch of road. Off in the distance they saw a farm house and went to ask to use the phone.

When the man at the door answered and saw the men in uniform, he invited them in. He said, "Boys, for serving our country, I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can shack up with my three daughters. You'll have to discuss amongst yourselves who sleeps with which girl. And there's plenty of beer in the fridge."

The men ate and the first girl came down the stairs, a very pretty girl. The fly boy jumped up and said, "She's mine," and they went upstairs.

The second girl came down, prettier than the first. The jar head snatched her up and they, too, went upstairs.

The sailor waited for the last girl, sure that he would be getting the heifer of the group. To his delight, she came down and was the finest of them all.

The next morning, the farmer was cooking breakfast when the fly boy came down, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking. The farmer asked if he wanted breakfast, but the fly boy said, "No, thank
you, sir. You've done enough already," and left.

The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as the fly boy's, but still acceptable. The farmer offered him food, but he only drank coffee, thanked the farmer and left.

The sailor finally came down, still a little drunk, neckerchief messed up and missing a shoe. The farmer offered him breakfast. The sailor ate everything offered and left without even a 'thank you.'

After they all were gone, the farmer called his girls down. Rubbing his hands together greedily, he said, "OK, girls, how did we do?"

The girl who had been with the airman said, "He fondled me a little, drank a beer, fell asleep and gave me $200!"

The girl who had been with the marine said, "He made love to me one time, had a couple beers and gave me $150."

The poor girl who had been with the sailor appeared tired and worn out, saying, "He made love to me all night, drank the rest of the beer, and I'll be damned if he didn't borrow $50 from me till next payday!" 

Humor: Some quotes from the military

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S...!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

Humour: Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports.

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

* I would not breed from this officer.

* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

* He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

* This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Humour - Extracts from US and UK Military Officer Evaluations.

Extracts from US and UK Military Officer Evaluations.

One can almost see the civilian equivalents of the individuals concerned in the mind's eye:

Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):

* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

* A room temperature IQ..

* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

* A prime candidate for natural deselection.

* Bright as Alaska in December.

* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming

* So dense, light bends around him.

* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

2 quick jokes - military related

The army medicel officer was testing a base's water supply: "What precautions do you take against infection"? he asked the sargent in charge.

"We first boil the water,Sir," said the sargent.

"Good then"?

"We filter it."

"Excellent,then?"

"Then to be safe,we drink beer."
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Conversation between two eagles flying high in the sky when they see a jet

aircraft speeding by:

First Eagle: Wow,just look at the bird fly!

Second Eagle: So would you if your tail was on fire!

Humour: Watching It Fall

Three soldiers had just gotten out of the Army and decided to celebrate by taking a helicopter ride.

One of the soldiers is eating a banana and says, "I wonder if we'd be able to see it land if I threw the peel out?" Out the peel goes and they all watch it, but don't see it land,

One of the soldiers has a rock and says, "This is bigger, we should be able to see it land." They all watch, but don't see it land.

The last one takes a grenade out of his pocket, pulls the pin and tosses it out the door. "We'll see that when it hits!" They watch, but still nothing.

Walking home they see a little girl crying and ask her, "What's wrong".

"Well, I was walking and slipped on a banana peel that came from nowhere."

The soldiers explained what happened and are helping the girl home when they see a little boy sitting on the side of the road holding his head. They ask, "What happened?"

The boy said, "I was walking when a rock hit me on the head."

They tell the story again and start to wonder what happened to the grenade. One of them races ahead and sees an old lady laughing hysterically. He asks her, "What's so funny?"

The old lady says, "I just farted and my house blew up!"

English Movie - The Last Samurai (2003) - starring Tom Cruise~

The Last Samurai is set during tumultuous times in both the United States and Japan. The movie is set during the 1870's, a decade after the American Civil War, a time when the United States fought an intense internal war between the forces of the Union and the Confederates. Similarly, there were dramatic changes going on in Japanese society at that time. The 'samurai' (warrior class) that were a major elements in Japanese society were losing their position and influence, and a proper military was starting to form. This was the time of the Meiji Restoration of 1867-1868 (wikipedia).
The story of the movie is about an old warrior, named Captain Nathan Algren (Tom Cruise), who is a veteran of the Indian wars (where the United States Army fought the Native Indian tribes), and who is traumatized by his role in a massacre of Native Indians. He is wandering around pretty aimlessly, making a living by recounting his adventures in gun shows, something that earns him a living, but does nothing to enliven his life.



However, he is a perpetual drunk, and is finally fired from his job; now he has pretty much no options other than to accept an offer to train the Imperial Japanese army (part of the growing western influences in Japan post the Meiji Restoration). This offer is made to him by his former commanding officer, Lieutenant Colonel Bagley (Tony Goldwyn). Algren pretty much blames Bagley for his transgressions during the war, and has no love lost for him. This offer from Bagley is made on behalf of a Japanese businessman who has stakes in the restoration, called Mr. Omura (Masato Harada).
Algren goes about this task, training peasants and farmers in how to handle rifles as part of this training. However, in their first conflict, they come into battle with a group of rebel samurai warriors, led by Katsumoto (Ken Watanabe); the army is unequal to the battle and gets defeated by the samurai. One of Algren's colleagues is killed in this attack, and Algren himself fights valiantly, defeating and killing the brother-in-law of the samurai leader. In this fight, he uses a spear with a flag of a white tiger, and Katsumoto believes that to be an omen, and spares Algren's life and takes him prisoner.
Algren is now prisoner at a remote village, living in the house of Hirotaro, whom he had killed. In this village, Algren finally starts to become more at peace him himself, and also starts to really learn the art of wielding the samurai sword as well as learn the Japanese language. In a fight with ninja assassins who had attacked the village, Algren fights along with the samurai, and manages to give a good account of himself even though the samurai take several losses.
With spring, Algren is now back in Tokyo, but now refuses to support Omura in his battle with the samurai, and at the same time, Katsumoto is arrested even after offering advice to the emperor. Algren manages to help Katsumoto regain his freedom, even though in this effort, Katsumoto's son, Nobutada (Shin Koyamada) is killed. After regaining his freedom, Katsumoto learns that a better equipped army unit is going to attack a much smaller samurai force, and it is there that Algren recalls the Battle of Thermopylae, where a much smaller force used better technology and the advantage of terrain to defeat a much larger army.
This comes true as the samurai are able to lead the larger army into a trap, however, soon the samurai realize that the army will get backup units, and another such battle will mean defeat. They resolve to make an attack of their own. However, they face canon fire, something that proves murderous, and then a second unit of infantry. In a battle, Algren kills Bagley when Bagley attacks Katsumoto; but then the second line of Gatling guns hit the samurai as they advance. The Japanese army, then ceases fire in respect of the samurai. Katsumoto ends his life.
In the end, as the emperor prepares to sign a deal with American ambassadors that would make the US as the exclusive dealers for firearms, Algren presents Katsumoto's sword to the emperor; the emperor understands the message and refuses to sign the deal, and also reduces Omura's powers and influence when he objects. Algren returns for the peace he finally found to the small Japanese village.

Track listing:
"A Way of Life"– 8:03
"Spectres in the Fog"– 4:07
"Taken"– 3:36
"A Hard Teacher"– 5:44
"To Know My Enemy"– 4:48
"Idyll's End"– 6:40
"Safe Passage"– 4:56
"Ronin"– 1:53
"Red Warrior"– 3:56
"The Way of the Sword"– 7:59
"A Small Measure of Peace"– 7:59