Humor: The Five Stages Of Drunk

Provided as a public service, you don't have to experience these stages yourself, at least not all of them!

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar.

You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets.

It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words. 

Here are some nice one liners..:

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

Adult joke: Not everything is fair

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," he replied, "but it happened to my sister!"

Joke: Drinking capabilities of an Irishman

An American walks into a crowded pub in Dublin, Ireland, clears his voice and loudly announces to the crowd of drinkers, "I hear you Irish are hard drinkers. I'll give $500 U.S. greenbacks to anyone in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Yank's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gent that left, returns and taps the Yank on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
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The Yank says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all down one after the other, back-to-back.

The pub patrons cheer as the Yank sits in amazement.
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The gent gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
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The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Joke: Moral of the story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah, said the teacher. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher.

"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Malaysian woman to be caned for alcohol drinking

When people start getting out of control in terms of alcohol drinking, they head off to rehabitilation centers to break their habits. Others try to moderate their alcohol limits. However, in many Islamic countries, alcohol is firmly banned, and citizens are not allowed to consume alcohol. Even then, using corporal punishment to deter drinking is another very different step in prevention of alcohol drinking. However, consider the weird situation where a citizen of a country is not allowed to drink while another citizen of the country can drink (difference based on the religion of the person), a woman could be caned for drinking, and the punishment is imposed by a religious court that is parallel to the civil judicial system, and the civil judicial system cannot interfere in this judgment (link to article):

A Malaysian model, who was set to become the first woman to be caned in the southeast Asian country for drinking beer in public, had her sentence postponed Monday until the end of the Islamic holy month of Ramadan. An Islamic, or sharia, court in Pahang had fined Kartika -- a Muslim -- $1,400 (5,000 Malaysian ringgit) and sentenced her to six strokes with a rattan cane for drinking at a hotel bar two years ago.
The caning would have been carried out within seven days of that, making her the first woman to be caned in Malaysia under sharia law. The moderate Muslim country has a dual-track justice system, in which Islamic courts operate alongside civil courts. But the country's civil system also cannot overrule a sharia court sentence.

Such a punishment, caning, for drinking alcohol, seems very harsh. Further, the fact that a country's civil courts cannot over-rule a religious court seems even stranger.

Diabetes type 2 and alcohol

For people who have diabetes type 2, and have had to learn about sugar control, glycemic index, insulin, insulin sensitivity, there is a lot of worry about what does alcohol intake mean for those who suffer from diabetes ? There are so many conflicting trends with alcohol -
- Supposedly, alcohol in small quantities is helpful, especially drinks such as wine
- If you are drinking alcohol, then drinking a small amount of alcohol on a regular basis has positive effects on the chance of getting heart attacks, strokes, etc.
- Drinking beer (along with the associated fast food, chips, etc) can be bad for your health because of the calorific intake of food that is not healthy
- Drinking more than moderate amounts of alcohol on a regular basis (especially binge drinking) is harmful

This complicates life for diabetics, who need to figure out whether they can drink harmful. So, is there a simple answer ? Well, guess you expected it - No. The simple answer is that it depends on what your complications are from diabetes; so if you are getting your diabetes checked on a regular basis with a doctor, questions about alcohol intake should be checked with a doctor. Below are some generic notes on the subject to help your awareness level.

- Drinking moderate amounts of alcohol (such as wine, or hard drinks such as whiskey, rum, vodka, etc) is fine. In fact, small quantities of alcohol on a regular basis can help in terms of decreased risk for coronary disease, strokes, and help with insulin sensitivity. However, keep in mind that there is right now not much in terms of cause and effect medical studies to explain this; these conclusions are based on doing statistical analysis on a large number of patients (in the above case, moderate means 2 12oz amounts of beer, or 2 pegs of hard alcohol)
- Drinking larger amounts of alcohol on a regular basis is harmful
- Because the liver helps in generating glucose if blood sugar levels drop, this helps in preventing low blood sugar levels. However, with alcohol in the body, the liver treats this alcohol as a toxin and switches to cleaning the blood as a top priority. This means that if the blood sugar level drops, the liver will not help, and this increases the change of ending up with low levels of blood sugar. If you are drinking, make sure that you are not doing this on an empty stomach, and it may help to actually consume a light snack before going to sleep.
- Exercise helps in reducing blood sugar, so if you are going in for heavy exercise, followed by some time at the club consuming some type of alcohol, you could be risking low levels of blood sugar (since in both cases, you blood sugar level would drop)
- When you drink, especially something like beer (which is mostly empty calories), and you are trying to lose weight, you are actually under-cutting your weight reduction efforts
- When people drink stuff other than beer or wine, they usually add something to their drink (this could be a soda to the drink, or a cocktail), then unless you are adding a diet drink, you could be actually consuming a fair amount of sugar that you don't even think about
- Heavy drinking has bad effects on your liver, and decreases the effectiveness of the liver in being able to pump glucose into your blood stream when the blood sugar level decreases
- In some cases, alcohol should not be drunk at all
A) When you are having nerve damage due to diabetes; in such cases the alcohol attacks the nerves causing more pain and damage. This is not related to high levels of drinking, and happens even when you are drinking moderately
B) If you have eye damage due to diabetes, reduce the alcohol intake, or cut it out altogether
C) For diabetics, there is a worry about a type of fat in the blood called triglyceride. These need to be under control, but for a number of diabetics, this is not the case. Alcohol intake causes more problems with triglyceride; hence alcohol intake should be cut or stopped.
D) If you have high blood pressure, then reduce or cut the alcohol intake.

What not to do while driving

When driving, what are some of the key things that people are advised ? You should be sober, capable of driving, and not getting diverted. So this means no driving while under the influence of alcohol, no talking on the phone, and certainly no involvement in sexual activities. People found involved in any of these activities are liable to face action, and maybe even jailed (and these also have an impact on their driving record). So what do you about a person who does more than one of these at the same time (link to article):

A Seattle man was arrested for drinking under the influence of alcohol and having sex while driving last weekend, the Washington State Patrol reported. The incident happened when a state trooper noticed a sport utility vehicle drifting between lanes and driving at unusual speeds, sometimes speeding up then slowing down to well below the speed limit on Interstate 90, near Bellevue’s Bellevue Way, about 1:20 a.m. Friday.
State trooper Jeff Merrill, who wrote the news release, said in an interview Wednesday that „embracing while driving“ is a misdemeanor. In this case, the woman said she was performing oral sex on the driver while he was driving.

This guy was under the influence of alcohol, and was having oral sex performed on him, and was driving at the same time. Not only is he a risk to himself and other occupants of the car, but a serious risk to other people on the road; no way should such a person be allowed to continue driving.