Humor: The Wife's First Game of Golf

A husband takes his gorgeous trophy-wife to play her first game of golf.....

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each
one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think? "

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Some questions from the past and answers

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called "pygg". When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as "pygg banks." When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?

A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called "passing the buck"?

A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the buck" to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be "in the limelight"?

A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday" as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning "help me" -- and is pronounced "mayday".

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud nine"?

A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called "love"?

A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on scoreboard looked like an egg and was called "l'oeuf," which is French for "egg". When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it "love."

Q: In golf, where did the term "Caddie" come from?

A:  When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game "golf". So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.  Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca- day' and the Scots changed it into "caddie".

Joke: Golf and the Physiotherapist

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together in his groin, and rolled around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him.

"Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied, still lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

Following her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside.

She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels fabulous, but my thumb still hurts like hell"

Joke: A golf fanatic

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better, even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.

He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it."

So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews, and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole, he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."

The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied. "

Joke: What about the wife left behind ...

A golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Dan," he replied.

"Dan forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Dan answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Dan finally agreed, And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Dan thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know anything. By the way, where is she?"

Dan Replied, .................."Under the cart!"

Adult Joke: How to decide whether to golf left-handed or right-handed

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 am on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group? They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they would see what they thought. They all agreed, and she said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up setting a course record under par. The guys went nuts, and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week, and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her under score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right and left-handed for the day?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the cover sheet off my husband who sleeps in the nude. If his "you-know-what if is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointing to the left, I golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

Joke: Priests playing golf

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York , my brother and three other
priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the
golf course.

After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't
be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean
language.

Sharm El Sheikh - the beautiful coastal city in Egypt

Sharm El Sheikh in Egypt, on the Red Sea, part of the Sinai Peninsula, a great beach, with excelled opportunities for diving, snorkeling and water sports. Read more at this blog (link):

Back to the diving: It is accepted by many that the diving experience in Sharm-el-Sheikh is one of the best in the world. The variety and easy access of corals and the fish life astound every visitor to the area, even to those who have experience in snorkeling and diving. The corals can be found at shallow depths, starting from approx 1 meter from the surface and then going down into the depths. The fish life is all over the reef, allowing visitors the opportunity to view them from the surface, and with such colors, they are easily noticeable. You can see all kinds, from small fish, to the more exotic sharks and rays.

CLASSIC GOLF QUOTES

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than
18 years of dealing with him across a desk. Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike
golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past
five. John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game
of golf would be played far better than it is. Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club,they'd starve to death. Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead
of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back
to pick it up. Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally
responsib le when he makes a ole-in-one. Bishop Sheen

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons. Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. Pete Dye

14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. Billy Graham

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. Jack Lemmon

17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. Mark Twain

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook.. If
I hit it straight, it's a miracle. All Us Hackers

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. George Deukmejian

GOLF TIDBITS

* In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

* The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

* Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

* Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

* The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

* There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

* Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

* Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

* Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

* There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

* Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

GOTCHA in Golf

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.

"But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it up a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas.'"

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well, "said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling "Gotcha!"

"Ouch!" said the guy "I can see why you lost that hole but how come you lost the game?"

"Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second *gotcha*?"

Golf tees and driving

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything.

Somersaults in golf

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the
man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs and walks in circles.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says,
"Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him."

Good stroke

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his coworkers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever about golf. The pro showed him the stance and the swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh, great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

Worst golfer

One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere.
He hired a caddy to guide him around the course.
After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset.
He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world."
The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"

The Laws of Golfing

The Laws of Golfing

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This
law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency
to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a
life-time.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of
people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven
in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the
greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the
tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself
as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone
in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a
football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who
beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score
to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset
of the same day.

Joke

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked.

The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it, so I don't need another one."

"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

The other guy replied, "That's okay, too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"

"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

The other guy replies, "I found it."

Joke

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon.

Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout 'Shit, missed'.

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder; the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that" he told his friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologized and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "Shit, missed." and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes. The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "Shit, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"

Joke

A man was golfing, and everything was going the usual way for his game, when he came to the 16th hole and had a hole in one! As he reached in the hole to get his ball, out came a genie. The genie said "I grant you one wish."
The man didn't take long to make his request, "I'd like to have the the biggest cock in the world." POOF! His cock became so long that it dragged behind him two feet.
He was so stunned by this that he couldn't go on with his golf game. He went back to the clubhouse dragging his cock behind him. Everyone in the clubhouse stared at him as he made his way to see the pro. "Look what happened to me on the 16th hole!" he yelled at the club pro.
After explaining to the pro what had caused his elongated 'putter,' the golfer asked the pro what he thought he could do to remedy the situation. "Why don't you take this bucket of balls and go back to the 16th hole and try to get another hole-in-one. Maybe then you'll get the genie back and he can help you."
So off the golfer went to the 16th hole. After hours of hitting balls and not even coming close to getting a hole-in-one, lightning finally struck twice. Just as the golfer reached in to retrieve his golf ball, out popped the genie. "Don't tell me," said the genie, "I think I know what you want this time. You want your cock shrunk back to normal, right?"
"No!" the golfer replied, "I want you to make my legs longer!"