Funny: Understanding relationships:

ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex.

Humor: 22 similarities between men and dogs

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous

6. Neither understands what you see in cats.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both break wind shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

13. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

14. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

15. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

16. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

17. You can train a dog.

18. Dogs are easy to buy for.

19. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

21. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

22. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Humor: Some quotes from the military

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S...!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

Humor: Too much of political correctness right now ..

A Politically Correct School

* No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

* You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

* Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

* These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

* Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

* Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

*Your homework isn't missing, it’s just having an "out-of notebook experience."

* You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

* You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time. "

* You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

* You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

* No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

* You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

* You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

* You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

* You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

* It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

* The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

Adult humour: Condom found in a burger

In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a MacDonald's hamburger a couple of years ago.

Here is David Letterman's top ten MacDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac:

10. We were test marketing the new "McRibbed."

9. Condom, Condiment.....What's the damned difference.

8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.

7. It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.

6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.

5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier meal.

4. Employees too embarrassed to ask "Would you like a condom with that?"

3. So what? A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.

2. Drive-thru speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounds like "Prophylactic device."

And the number one MacDonald's Excuse for the Condom in the Big Mac:

1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.