Humor: Mind Games Dogs Play With Their Humans

After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans' bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically
search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'potty', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go potty will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you.

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning potty. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep
after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Humor: 22 similarities between men and dogs

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous

6. Neither understands what you see in cats.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both break wind shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

13. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

14. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

15. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

16. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

17. You can train a dog.

18. Dogs are easy to buy for.

19. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

21. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

22. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Adult joke: Dog is in heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Humour: How do you know you are part of a family ..

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook people taking things out on you when, if through
no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax at any given moment,

If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then,........

You are probably the family dog.

Humour: 10 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

Humour: Why dogs are better than humans

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

Dogs don't laugh at how you throw.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are easy to buy for.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what no means.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Joke: Karate my ass

Harold's new job had him working really late.

He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and
asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for
you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes
back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he
points to a sign advertising dog food.
The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair
in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds.

By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This
little thing, a watch dog? No way."

Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"

Does Your Dog Own You?

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

* You believe every dog is a lap dog.

* If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

* You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

* You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

* You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

* You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

* No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your
dog(s).

* You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

* You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you
know where his lips have been.

* You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in
the neighborhood. You know their names.

* You let the neighbor's dog sleep over.

* You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

* Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

* When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

* You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

* You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

* Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

Peeves That Dogs Have About Humans

• Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

• Yelling at me for barking. I'm a dog, you idiot!

• Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

• Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... Stop It!

• Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

• The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

• Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

• Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

• Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

Now lay off me on some of these things; we both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up *your* poop do you?

The gifted dog

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member
of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog.

The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and
went to talk to Bernie.

Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"

Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."

"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.

"YES!" says Bernie.

Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not
a proper thing to do in temple."

Bernie: "Its true!"..

"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then
show me what the dog can do."

"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on
his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in
Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the
quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog
would consider going to Rabbinical school??"

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He
wants to be a doctor!"

An article on separation anxiety w/tips for dogs

1. Exercise your dog well before you leave. A tired dog has less energy with
which to be anxious and destructive. End exercise sessions 20-30 minutes before you go so he has time to settle down.

2. Five minutes before you leave give him a well stuffed Kong to take his mind off your imminent departure. -- we fill ours with small treats and peanut butter.

3. Make your departures and returns completely calm and emotionless. No huggy/Kissy "mummy luvs you" scenes. If he gets excited and jumps all over you when you return, ignore him. Turn your back and walk away. When he finally settles down, say hello and greet him very calmly.

4. Defuse the pieces of your departure routine by also doing them when you are not leaving. Pick up your car keys, and sit down on the sofa to watch TV. Dress in your business suit and then cook dinner. Set your alarm for 5 a.m. on a Saturday, then roll over and go back to sleep.

5. Mix up the pieces of your departure when you are leaving, so his anxiety doesn't build to a fever pitch as he recognizes your departure cues. We are creatures of habit too, so this is hard to do, but can pay off in big dividends. Eat breakfast before you shower instead of after. Pick up your keys and put them in your pocket before you take your dog out for his final potty break. Put your briefcase in the car while you're still in pajamas. Make the morning as unpredictable as possible.

6. Use a "safe" cue such as "I'll be back" only when you know you'll return within the time period your dog can tolerate. As suggested in Patricia McConnell's wonderful booklet on separation anxiety titled "I'll Be Home Soon," this helps your dog relax, knowing he can trust you to return.

7. Explore alternative dog-keeping situations to minimize the occasions when you do have to leave him alone - doggie daycare may be suitable for some dogs, but not for others. You may be able to find a neighbor or relative who is house bound and might appreciate some canine companionship.

8. If you are considering adoption of a second dog, try borrowing a calm, stable, compatible dog from a friend, to see if that helps to relieve your dogs distress.

9. Try using Comfort Zone (DAP) plug ins and sprays in his environment to help ease his anxiety.

10. Remove as many other stressors from your dog's world as possible to help him maintain his equilibrium in your absence. No choke chains, shock collars, physical or harsh verbal punishment, (especially in connection to his anxiety behaviors.)

11. Consider working with a behavior professional to be sure you're on the right path - and to help you explore the possibilities of using anti-anxiety medications to maximize the effectiveness of your modification efforts.

Fixing separation anxiety is hard work. It's all too easy to get frustrated with your dogs destructive behavior. Remember the he's not choosing to do it out of spite or malice - he is panicked about his own survival without you, his pack, there to protect him. It's not fun for him either, he lives in the moment, and the moments that you are gone are long and terrifying. If you make the commitment to modify his behavior and succeed in helping him be brave about being alone, you'll not only save your home from destruction, you will enhance the quality of your dog's life immensely - as well as your own - and perhaps save him from destruction too.

Somersaults in golf

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the
man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs and walks in circles.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says,
"Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him."

15 points for dogs

Instructions for dogs

1) When you have been caught " in the act " of teaching your people
not to leave you alone for any period of time, (even if it is to pick
up dog food), you must use this common technique to diffuse anger.
Once you hear their footsteps or the key in the lock, quickly move
away from the chewed up shoe, rug, or houseplant. You then tilt your
head and give a look of confusion. It will be for certain that you
will NOT be punished.

2) Once a " mess " as humans call it, has been created, do anything
and everything to make it appear to be the felines fault. For
example, put the felines toy in the middle of your destruction. This
act is called " framing " and tends to work only sometimes, but is
always worth a shot.

3) This one is exceptionally important. When you want to go for a
walk, you must continually jump up and down, cry, whimper, bark, beg,
scratch at the door and fetch your leash. You must make your person
understand, for they will not know what you want unless you
exaggerate each one of these actions.

4) When you are given a bone, do not share it with ANYONE, not even
the person who gave it to you. You must guard it with your life, even
if you have no intention of eating it. Everyone wants your bone.
After all, it is the best bone in the world.

5) If your person is reading the newspaper or if the children are
working on their homework, tear it up. It is your duty as a dog to
demonstrate to people how to get their priorities straight. Why waste
time reading or working on homework when you can be enjoying a car
ride or a walk in the park?

6) When a person says the " W " word, give him/her a glimpse of how
intelligent you are. Reveal the urgency to go for a W-A-L-K. If only
our people knew we could spell!

7) About collection . . . collect as many balls, bones, sticks and
toys as you can. If you have the largest collection on the block, it
makes you Top Dog.

8) New studies reveal that humans are attracted to the smell of dog
breath. Knowing this, take every opportunity to breathe in your
persons face. This displays love and affection.

9) When your person has a guest over, you must always sit in between
the two people. If you have two people, do not let them sleep next to
each other or spend quality time alone . . . there isn't any need for
that when they could be playing ball or fetch!

10) Show signs of frustration when people make irrational demands.
People tend to care about petty things, like busy streets, getting
dirty, etc. People cannot comprehend the urgency to get to the park
and sniff every blade of grass. They just simply don't know how to
have fun. They'd rather worry! So, when your person is holding you
back from getting to the park to roll in the dirt, BARK! Let your
person know you are displeased with this nonsense.

11) When your person instructs you to do silly tricks, honor the
human. Let it be known that you very well know how to sit, give paw
and fetch. It's a good thing they don't know what else we know!

12) When personal hygiene is in question, take immediate action!
Locate guests and assume position. People will get the hint and
they'll love the fact that you're so thorough.

13) When peeing on someone's property or belongings, make sure to
make eye contact with the owner. They like this, it shows respect.

14) It doesn't matter what size you are, barking instills fear in
people. Even if you're a toy poodle in a fenced in yard and the
person is fifty feet away, bark. They will surely run away with
terror.

15) Last, but not least, don't forget your most important job of all.
When your person is feeling depressed or down, offer comfort, love
and affection. Your person relies on you to lick his/her face, which
makes all human problems instantly vanish!

Dog makes the phone circuit complete

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Just thought you'd like to know.

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young; we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me!

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

Which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats
have staff.