Humour: A cow and mad cow disease

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease:

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."

Your cow takes up painting and wants to wear an earring.

Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.

Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.

Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.

She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.

Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool
leather jacket.

Your cow starts smoking grass rather than eating it.

Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting
"MOO" backwards.

Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started
feeding it Hershey bars.

Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something
sexy this time.

Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!

Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".

Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.

You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.

Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the
nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

Joke: Privates vs. sergeants

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates
to Sergeants. Not long after,they're out for a walk and Bubba says,
"Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have
a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior,
I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants
now."

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to
Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and
make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in
the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay,
give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay
sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible
case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the
privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says,
"But we's Sergeants now!

Weird news: Man dies as bacteria kills flesh faster than doctors

Once in a while you hear of a medical condition that sounds really horrific. The problems with a disease like Ebola where the mortality rate is extremely high was nothing compared to this disease that killed a man even as he was being operated on in the hospital. His flesh was being killed by a bacteria faster than doctors could control the spread the infection, and he died within 4 hours of infection. When you hear of such a case, you normally hope that this does not happen to someone known to you (link to article):

The infection moved through Mr Johnson's body so quickly that doctors could actually see it spreading up from his leg to his abdomen as they operated, an inquest into his death was told. The rare infection occurs in the deeper layers of skin and is typically caused by many types of bacteria entering an open wound, especially after major surgery.

Getting revenge for the frog

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have a disease?" Of course the Madam said "No". He said, "But I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. And "THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right and he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back,still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and was headed out the door when the Madam stopped him, and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?

"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home and on the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and he will catch the disease, and He's the bastard who ran over my Frog!"

Joke

After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor.
"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!" the man shouted, "What is the bad news?"
"It's malignant," replied the doctor.