Joke: Favorite Animal

My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken".

 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.

 

My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.  He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

 

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

 

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

 

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her "Colonel Sanders". She sent me to the principal's office again.

 

This school stuff is really confusing.  

Humor: Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Joke: Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.' The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says , 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.' '

Funny: God created animals

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog wagged his tail.

And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

Humor: The Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. 

Humor: Notes from a dog to himself

These are just some of the things I must remember (in order to keep my present living arrangements):

~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

~ I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

~ I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.

~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television.

~ The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

~ I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

~ I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.

~ The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, doesn't mean it's cleaner.

~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing

Joke: A strange dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.  An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.  Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Humor: An amazing dog

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of those things."

Joke: The pigeon and the parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Adult joke: Dog is in heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Joke: What the police do ..

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go
on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top.

After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their
next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a
rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and
cook.

Night falls. First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles,
drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation.
Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable
muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap".
They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the
eyes. "Excellent!" says the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear
themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge
down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs.
For the next hour or so the woods ring with the sound of
rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and
blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying
the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you
achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind
backs, whistling the theme tune from Dixon of Dock Green.
For the next few hours, the silence is broken only by the
occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky
Tango Fanta One; suspect headed straight for you..." etc.
After what seems an eternity , they emerge escorting a
squirrel in handcuffs. "What do you think you are doing?"
asks the incredulous trainer "Take this squirrel back and
get me a rabbit like I asked you to do five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. Night
drags on and dawn breaks. Finally, the trainer and the other
teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed
squirrel, now covered in scrapes and bruises, one eye
swollen shut. "Are you taking the micky?!?!" asks the now
seriously irate trainer. The police team leader nudges the
squirrel, who squeaks: "All right, all right. I'm a rabbit!"

Joke: The gorilla and the tiger at the zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn 
some money as a street performer.

Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper 
grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular 
attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that 
attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as a gorilla until they can get 
another one. The mime accepts the job.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the 
cage before the crowd comes.

He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play 
and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just 
swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the 
lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of the audience, he climbs to the 
top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top 
of the lion's cage.

Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise
for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, 
the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he 
slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers himself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage 
with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, help me!", but 
the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry 
lion and the lion says.....

"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Humour: Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important stuff.

If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty.

Humour: How do you know you are part of a family ..

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook people taking things out on you when, if through
no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax at any given moment,

If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then,........

You are probably the family dog.

Humour: 10 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

Joke: The priest and the jackass, and the police

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

2 quick jokes - talking animals and a restaurant communication

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to
boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've
won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've
won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!",
says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been
sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the
greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a
hushed silence. "A talking dog."

---------------------------------------------------------

On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently
started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the
kitchen and handed me money. "We're in trouble!" He said.
"We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next
door and get me $40 worth."

I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she
wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined,
I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it
was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the
clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters.
Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to
my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.

"Right here," I said breathlessly.

His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."

Joke: Zebra and the stallion - moved to the farm

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was
getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could
spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got out of the lock up to see this huge
space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange
animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it
all excited.

"Hi! I'm a zebra what are you?"

"I'm a cow," said the cow.

"Right, what do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and
ran over to it, "Hi, I'm a zebra what are you?"

"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.

"Oh, right, what do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right - o, great, see ya round."

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost
exactly like her without the stripes.

She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra what are you."

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

Weird and Foolhardy: Getting mauled by a lion after climbing into its cage

Wild animals are called wild for a certain reason. Their behavior is unpredictable, they can be aggressive if they feel that they or their young ones are threatened, or if their territory is being encroached upon. Further, for many of them, their nature is such that they can be aggressive; but that does not deter people from trying out some crazy and wild stunts. What would you call a person who gets into a lion cage in a zoo and is then saved from serious damage by the keeper of the cage ? Such a person was inviting trouble, and it is only prompt action that saved him (link to article):

A travel writer was lucky to escape with minor injuries after his venture into a lion's den turned ugly. British journalist Charles Starmer Smith visited the South African wildlife park to "play" with one-year-old lion Mapimpan — whose name translates to "little baby".
Finally the handler was able to corner the cat in the pen's corner, allowing the journalist to calmly make his escape. He could be seen bleeding from his leg through his shredded torn pants and required stitches for his relatively minor injuries.

Rat eating plant found in Phillipines

Not many people know that there are plants that eat meat as well. Say again ? Plants that eat meat ? Yes. There have plants such as the pitcher plant and sundew that eat meat. But humans need not be worried as yet. In a recent discovery by scientists, a plant that can eat rats has been found on Mount Victoria in Palawan, central Philippines. The plant has been named in honour of Sir David Attenborough. The plant has a pitcher which attracts insects and rats, and then takes nutrition from these animals (link to article):

The new discovery measures up to 30 centimeters in diameter and is formed by a tendril which inflates into a large cup-shaped trap. McPherson told CNN: "Around the mouth of the pitcher are secretions of nectar which attracts insects and small animals. The rim has lots of waxy downward-pointing ridges which help prey fall directly into the pitcher.
"These plants grow in really harsh areas where soil quality is very poor -- often pure gravel or sand. Catching insects allows the plant to augment nutrients that it otherwise wouldn't have access to." "These plants have evolved to catch insects. But on rare occasions they do catch rats and mice. The first reports of these plants catching rats was made in the 19th century by a British explorer called Spenser St John," McPherson said.

This is very interesting for those people who see a very clear separation between vegetarian and non-vegetarian food. If a plant can itself eat meat, then that separation starts to wither away.