Jokes

1. At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball
players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team
is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a jerk. Do you
understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.


2. Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant.
A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful." "I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise."


3. A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that this time it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous -- yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar! -- effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing.! There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the car.
"Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."


4. A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?
Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend. Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, Hello, son, is your grandma home? The little boy replied, Yeah, but she is in the bedroom banging her boyfriend. Grandma's minister fainted.



5. HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this In mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and Lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity