Joke

Cold Winter

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Jokes

1. A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!!
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure. People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Junior said "The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later"..


2. Sarcastic Quotes For You ...

-- "If winners never quit and quitters never win then who came up with the saying 'quit while you're ahead'?"

-- If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.

-- Whats this bout rowing gently down the stream? What do you think us rowers are? Pansies? HELL NO! Catch us if you can!

-- A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be in the next cell saying "that was fucking awesome

-- What do sheep count when they can't sleep?

-- "Boys are like roses, watch out for the pricks...

-- Stoners live and stoners die, and at the end they all get high, then soon the don't succeed, FUCK IT ALL LETS SMOKE SOME WEED!

-- *Fighting for peace is like f***in for virginity*

-- It takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend my middle finger and tell you to bite me.

-- I wasn't kissing him, I was just telling his lips a secret!

-- Do you believe in love at first site? Or should I walk by again?

-- God created men first, cause you always makes a rough draft before a masterpiece!

-- Heaven won't have me and hells afraid I'll take over!

-- Guys are like slinkies its always fun to watch them fall down the stairs

-- A wise monkey never monkies w/ another monkey's monkey!

-- ***Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the privilege***

-- One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is 2 stubborn to ask for directions~*~

-- Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling!

-- Did you fall down the ugly tree and hit every branch on your way down!

-- They say true love hides behind every Corner...I must be walking in Circles! *

-- Im an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight!

-- 4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

Jokes

1. Tired of being asked why she never married an elderly spinster concocted a response that usually shut people up.

"I have a fireplace that smokes, a washing machine that won't work, a cat that stays out all night, a dog that barks at me, and a kitchen sink that smells bad. Why do I need a husband?"


2. Two college co-eds were having a beer. One said to the other, "Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."

What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.

"Oh... she just said, "I can't believe I have a person inside me !"

I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?"



3. A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."


4. A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.

He said, "This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon -- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked -- "You want the 'Bridal'?"

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears til she gits used to it."



5. A young woman was pulled over in Rupert, Idaho for speeding. As the Minidoka County Police Officer walked to her car window, flipping Open His ticket book.

She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Minidoka County Troopers Ball."

He replied, "Minidoka County Troopers don't Have Balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his Patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Jokes

1. Bubba and Billy Bob were in a local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn each had won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the Neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."


2. After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right.

"You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

"You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self-esteem.

"You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

"I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for their elders and future employers.

"And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

"All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! "You want me to do all of this, and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"



3. Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Touching story

Are You Alright?

One day a woman was walking down the street when she spied a beggar sitting in the corner.

The man was elderly, unshaven, and ragged. As he sat there, pedestrians walked by him giving him dirty looks. They clearly wanted nothing to do with him because of who he was - a dirty, homeless man.

But when she saw him, the woman was moved to compassion.

It was very cold that day and the man had his tattered coat - more like an old suit coat rather than a warm coat wrapped around him. She stopped and looked down. "Sir?" she asked. "Are you alright?"

The man slowly looked up. This was a woman clearly accustomed to the finer things of life. Her coat was new. She looked like she had never missed a meal in her life.

His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him, like so many others had done before. "Leave me alone," he growled.

To his amazement, the woman continued standing. She was smiling - her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows. "Are you hungry?" she asked.

"No," he answered sarcastically. "I've just come from dining with the President. Now go away."

The woman's smile became even broader.

Suddenly the man felt a gentle hand under his arm. "What are you doing, lady?" the man asked angrily. "I said to leave me alone."

Just then a policeman came up. "Is there a problem, ma'am?" he asked.

"No problem here, officer," the woman answered. "I'm just trying to get this man to his feet. Will you help me?"

The officer scratched his head. "That's old Jack. He's been a fixture around here for a couple of years. What do you want with him?"

"See that cafeteria over there?" she asked. "I'm going to get him something to eat and get him out of the cold for a while."

"Are you crazy, lady?" the homeless man resisted. "I don't want to go in there!"

Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up. "Let me go, officer. I didn't do anything."

"This is a good deal for you, Jack," the officer answered. "Don't blow it."

Finally, and with some difficulty, the woman and the police officer got Jack into the cafeteria and sat him at a table in a remote corner. It was the middle of the morning, so most of the breakfast crowd had already left and the lunch bunch had not yet arrived.

The manager strode across the cafeteria and stood by the table. "What's going on here, officer?" he asked. "What is all this? Is this man in trouble?"

"This lady brought this man in here to be fed," the policeman answered.

"Not in here!" the manager replied angrily. "Having a person like that here is bad for business."

Old Jack smiled a toothless grin. "See, lady, I told you so. Now if you'll let me go. I didn't want to come here in the first place."

The woman turned to the cafeteria manager and smiled. "Sir, are you familiar with Eddy and Associates, the banking firm down the street?"

"Of course I am." the manager answered impatiently. "They hold their weekly meetings in one of my banquet rooms."

"And do you make a goodly amount of money providing food at these weekly meetings?"

"What business is that of yours?"

"I, sir, am Penelope Eddy, President and CEO of the company."

"Oh..."

The woman smiled again. "I thought that might make a difference."

She glanced at the cop who was stifling a giggle. "Would you like to join us in a cup of coffee and a meal, officer?"

"No thanks, ma'am," the officer replied, "I'm on duty."

"Then, perhaps a cup of coffee to go?"

"Yes, ma'am. That would be very nice."

The cafeteria manager turned on his heel. "I'll get your coffee for you right away, officer."

The officer watched him walk away. "You certainly put him in his place," he said.

"That was not my intent. Believe it or not, I have a reason for all this."

She sat down at the table across from her amazed dinner guest. She stared at him intently. "Jack, do you remember me?"

Old Jack searched her face with his old, rheumy eyes. "I think so - I mean you look familiar."

"I'm a little older perhaps," she said. "Maybe I've even filled out more than in my younger days when you worked here, and I came through that very door, cold and hungry."

"Ma'am?" the officer said questioningly. He couldn't believe that such a magnificently turned out woman could ever have been hungry.

"I was just out of college," the woman began. "I had come to the city looking for a job, but I couldn't find anything. Finally I was down to my last few cents and had been kicked out of my apartment. I walked the street for days. It was February and I was cold and nearly starving. I saw this place and walked in on the off chance that I could get something to eat."

Jack lit up with a smile. "Now I remember," he said, "I was behind the serving counter. You came up and asked me if you could work for something to eat. I said that it was against company policy."

"I know," the woman continued, "then you made me the biggest roast beef sandwich and a cup of coffee, and told me to go over to the corner table and enjoy it. I was afraid that would get you into trouble. Then, when I looked over, I saw you take your own money and put the cost of my food in the cash register. I knew then that everything would be alright."

"So you started your own business?" Old Jack said.

"I got a job that very afternoon. I worked my way up. Eventually I started my own business, that with the help of God, prospered."

She opened her purse and pulled out a business card. "When you are finished here, I want you to pay a visit to a Mr. Lyons. He's the personnel director of my company. I'll go talk to him now and I'm certain he'll find something for you to do around the office. I think that he might even find the funds to give you a little advance so that you can buy some clothes and get a place to live until you get on your feet. And if you ever need anything, my door is always open to you."

There were tears in the old man's eyes. "How can I ever thank you," he said.

"Don't thank me," the woman answered. "To God goes the glory. Thank Jesus. He led me to you."

Outside the cafeteria, the officer and the woman paused at the entrance before going their separate ways. "Thank you for all your help, officer," she said.

"On the contrary, Ms. Eddy," he answered. "Thank you. I saw a miracle today. something that I will never forget. And thank you for the coffee."

She frowned. "I forgot to ask you whether you used cream or sugar. That's black."

The officer looked at the steaming cup of coffee in his hand. "Yes, I do take cream and sugar - perhaps more sugar than is good for me," as he patted his ample stomach.

I'm sorry," she said.

"I don't need it now," he replied smiling. "I've got the feeling that this coffee you bought me is going to taste as sweet as pure sugar."

Jokes

1. A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.


2. A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to chose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills".

Saving graphics and embedding into emails

Saving graphics and embedding into emails.
These directions are for using Windows XP; works the same in Vista and for Outlook Express.

This is not hard, it just takes a little practice playing around with it!

You must first save a picture to a file so, you can later retrieve it to be able to embed it into an email. You must be set for Rich Text (html) to be able to send graphics (Plain Text won't work).

To save a picture, put the cursor on the picture and right click, then click Save Picture As. A Save Picture screen comes up, you will see Save in: My Pictures is normally there. Where it says File Name: delete what's in the box (it's usually a bunch of numbers) then type in ..a name (or whatever you want to name it), then click save. Now you have a saved a picture! ta-da!

To embed a picture into a new email .. click on Create Email ... drop down to the message body ... go up to top row, starting with File ... left click on Insert and on drop down menu, left click on picture ... Pictures file comes up ... left click Browse ... My Pictures file comes up with the picture/pictures you saved ... you can scroll down through your pictures and click on the picture you want to appear in your email ... box comes up, left click OK ... this embeds the picture into your email.

Methods to Backup your Registry

Methods to Backup your Registry
Registry Editor is an advanced tool used for viewing and changing settings in your system registry. It contains all the information, settings of your computer. Even your user account username and password is saved in the resgistry (if configured to store in the registry).

As Registry Editor allows you to add/modify registry, it is advisable that you only use it if GUI does not provide the option you are looking for. If you make some incorrect changes, your system may crash and break. So it's always good to make a backup of your registries before making any changes in it.

Method 1: This method is mostly used when you are making changes to some specific area in the registry, but it can also be used to make full backups.

To backup a selected branch/key, follow the instructions below:

* Click Start, and then click Run.
* In the Open box, type regedit, and then click OK
* Locate and then click the key that contains the value that you want to edit
* On the File menu, click Export.
* In the Save in box, select a location where you want to save the registry entries ( .reg ) files.
* In the File name box, type a file name, and then click Save.

Below the Save as type box, you will see Export Range. There you select the range you want to export. Select All if you want to backup all the settings, or select the second option, Selected Branch, to export only the selected branch.

Method 2: The other way to backup your registry is to use the System Restore tool in Windows. It restores your PC to a previous state (that you selected!), without losing anything, such as documents, history lists, favorites, or e-mail. This method is not reliable if you want to rollback the Registry changes made a longtime ago. So, I would better recommend using the first method for this case.

Regular Health Mistakes

Regular Health Mistakes

All of us make little health mistakes that cause damage to our bodies in the long run - simply because we are unaware we are doing something wrong. Here are some of the most common mistakes made by many of us.

Crossing our legs
Do you cross your legs at your knees when sitting? Although we may believe that this is the lady-like elegant way to sit, sitting this way cuts down circulation to your legs. If you don"t want varicose veins to mar the beauty of your legs and compromise your health, uncross your legs every time you realise you have one knee on top of the other. The best way to sit is to simply place both legs together on the floor, balancing your weight equally. If you feel like changing position, instead of crossing your legs, simply move both legs together to one side. As an alternative, you could also consider crossing your legs loosely at the ankles. This is a classically elegant way to sit, and is far better for your legs and your health than sitting with your legs crossed at your knees.

Not changing our toothbrush
How often do you change your toothbrush? Most of us wait until most of the bristles have either fallen off, or are in such bad shape that we"d be embarrassed to pull out our brush in public. However, since not many of us need to pull out our brush in public, we carry on with our frayed one until we lose it. Replace your toothbrush often. Damaged bristles can harm the enamel, and don"t massage your gums well. If you find brushing your teeth a pain like I do, but know you must do it, you might as well be doing it right. Imagine going through the annoyance of brushing your teeth twice a day only to find out that you"re damaging your enamel every time you clean your teeth. Also, use a brush with soft bristles unless your dentist has advised otherwise.

Eating out often
There are oils that are high in cholesterol, and oils that cause little harm and are better for your heart. However, no matter how light the oil is, it is never a good idea to eat too much of it. Avoid fried foods. Remember that in all probability your favorite Indian food restaurant throws a huge, HUGE chunk of butter in a tiny bowl of dal. Rita, who worked in the kitchen of a 5 star hotel, was shocked when she saw the cook chop a 500gm butter slab in half, and throw half into a Paneer Makhani dish. No wonder the customers left licking their fingers. And no wonder they felt so stuffed and heavy afterwards. Limit outdoor eating unless you know that you"re getting served light and healthy food.

Skipping breakfast
Never, ever skip breakfast. Remember, when you wake up in the morning it"s been around 10-12 hours since your last meal. Your body needs food now, more than at any other time. Eat a heavy breakfast. You will then be busy through the day, and the calories will get expended quickly. If you are trying to diet, eat a light dinner. Here are some more common health mistakes we make. Being informed and making a few changes can help make us feel a whole lot better.

High heels
High heels sure look great, but they're murder for your back. This however doesn't mean you should steer clear of stilettos. Wear them, but not when you know you will be walking around a lot. Wear them when going out for lunch or dinner - when the only walking you will be doing is to your car, to the table, and back. Avoid high heels when you are going somewhere on foot. If you are constantly tempted to wear your heels, take a good look at your flats. Is there something about them you dislike? Invest in a new pair of beautiful flats or shoes with a low heel. Buy something you love, that you will enjoy wearing. If possible, get a matching bag. You will then enjoy your flats as much as you do your heels.

Sleeping on a soft bed
You don't have to sleep on the floor be kind to your back, but do make sure you have a firm mattress. Although a mattress on springs is soft and lovely to sink into, it's bad for your back. If you already have an old bed with springs, you don't need to invest in a new one - simply get a thick wooden plank put over the springs, and place the mattress on the plank. Similarly, if your mattress is old and lumpy, throw it out and get a new one. Your neck and your back will thank you. The same rule applies to sofas. If you will be spending hours on a sofa, get a firm yet comfortable one. Sofas you completely sink into are not the best idea.

Pillows
No matter how comfortable sleeping with ten cushions is, have pity on your neck and resist. Sleep with one pillow, and make sure it is not too thick. If your pillow gets lumpy, discard it and go for a new one. Get a thin pillow if you sleep on your stomach, and something a little thicker if you sleep on your back, to give your neck adequate support.

Not exercising
So all of us know we should exercise more, but many of us don't. This is a health mistake we consciously make! And why is that? Simply because we refuse to admit the damage we are causing to our bodies by not working out. A number of people only start working out once they've experienced a warning signal. Don't wait for a heart attack to strike before you decide to opt for a lifestyle change. Make the change now. You don't need to train for the marathon to be in top shape. Half an hour of brisk walking three to four times a week will make a world of difference to your health. You could then increase this to forty minutes, four times a week - and you're all set. If you haven't exercised for a week, you're making a mistake.

IE7 Tweak and ToolBar Remove

IE7 Tweak and ToolBar Remove.

If you want to change these on your own, here are the registry changes we are making to tweak IE 7:

The command bar can be changed by creating this key:
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\CommandBar\
If you want to hide it, create a dword value named Enabled, and set it to 0
If you want to show it, create a dword value named Enabled, and set it to 1

The search bar can be changed by creating this key:
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINESoftware\Policies\Microsoft\InternetExplorer\Infodelivery\Restrictions
If you want to hide it, create a dword value named NoSearchBox and set it to 1
If you want to show it, create a dword value named NoSearchBox and set it to 0

The menu can be set within the browser, or via this registry key:
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINESoftware\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\Main
If you want it to show all the time, create a dword value named AlwaysShowMenus and set it to 1

If you want it to auto-hide, create a dword value named AlwaysShowMenus and set it to 0

Finally, you can force the menu to go all the way to the top of IE, instead of just in the middle of all the buttons. To do this, create this key:
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINESoftware\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\Toolbar\WebBrowser
If you want it at the top, create a dword value named ITBar7Position and set it to 1
If you want it at its default position, set that value to 0

Jokes

1. The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.

What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the kid.



2. DOCTORS REPORTING

---> A man came into the ER and yelled, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

---> At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA !

---> One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

---> I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

---> During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . .. . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

---> While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR `

---> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI



3. THE STUPID LOCAL LAWS

* In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."

* In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

* In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

* In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

* In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.

* In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

* In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

* In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

* In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).

Tips for a resume

Tips On Building A Resume Here's some advice to build the resume that will get you hired!

THE NAME: Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.

THE ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!

THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip it. What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.

THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean:"Seeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low-paying, dead-end, back-office position."

EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: "BA in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."

EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system... Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience: high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Giant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too
much Nintendo."

THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request?" What kind of power-close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live."

Joke

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of: What NOT To Put on a Resume.

=> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

=> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

=> "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability
to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

=> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in
accounting."

=> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

=> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

=> "I am a rabid typist."

=> "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for
business."

=> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

=> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and
absolutely no one."

=> "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

=> "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were
unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

=> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

=> "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

=> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to
my resume on my office voice-mail."

=> "Qualifications: No education or experience."

=> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

=> Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Jokes

1. At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball
players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team
is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a jerk. Do you
understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.


2. Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant.
A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful." "I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise."


3. A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that this time it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous -- yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar! -- effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing.! There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the car.
"Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."


4. A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?
Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend. Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, Hello, son, is your grandma home? The little boy replied, Yeah, but she is in the bedroom banging her boyfriend. Grandma's minister fainted.



5. HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this In mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and Lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity

Golf Jokes

Kevin's Golf Laws

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent ...or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day

Historic knowledge or myths

Historic knowledge or myths

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk
with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
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As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool.
They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
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In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining.
The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit
in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board."
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Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax."
Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile."
In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . therefore, the expression "losing face."
*********************** ***************************************
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman as in "straight laced". . wore a tightly tied lace.
**************************************************************
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."
**************************************************************
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the
local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

Great Truths

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Top 9 tips to keep ur PC secure

TIP # 1
(Keep your software up to date.)
The first line of defense in keeping your computer as secure as possible is through regular software updates and routine system maintenance to help avoid data loss, new viruses, and other potential risks. The top two software applications you need to keep updated are your operating system (ex. Microsoft Windows) and your anti-virus solution.
For Microsoft Windows, we recommend that you run Windows Update or the new Microsoft Update. If you are using Windows XP, Windows 2000 SP3 or higher, or Windows Server 2003, we recommend that you activate Automatic Updates. The Automatic Updates feature in Windows notifies you when critical updates are available for your computer. Automatic Updates also allows you to specify the schedule that Windows follows to install updates on your computer. To turn on Automatic Updates, on Windows XP go START -> Control Panel -> Automatic Updates

TIP # 2
(Use a Firewall.)
When someone on the internet or on a network tries to connect to your computer, we call that attempt an "unsolicited request." When your computer gets an unsolicited request, a Firewall application could block the connection. If you run a program such as an instant messaging program or a multiplayer network game that needs to receive information from the Internet or a network, the firewall asks if you want to block or unblock (allow) the connection.
If you are running Windows XP with Service Pack 2, you can take advantage of Windows Firewall which is a protective boundary that monitors and restricts information that travels between your computer and a network or the Internet. This provides a line of defense against someone who might try to access your computer from outside the Windows Firewall without your permission. If you are using Windows XP and have not yet upgraded to Service Pack 2, Windows Firewall was previously known as Internet Connection Firewall or ICF
You do not have to use Windows Firewall, you can install and run any firewall that you choose available through other software vendors. Evaluate the features of other firewalls and then decide which firewall best meets your needs. If you choose to install and run another firewall, turn off Windows Firewall.

TIP # 3
(Use anti-virus software.)
This can detect many, but not all, forms of malicious software before they have a chance to affect your computer.
Antivirus software is a program that either comes installed on your computer or that you purchase and install yourself. It helps protect your computer against most viruses, worms, Trojan. and other unwanted invaders that can make your computer "sick." Viruses, worms, and the like often perform malicious acts, such as deleting files, accessing personal data, or using your computer to attack other computers.
You can help keep your computer healthy by using antivirus software. Remember to update your antivirus software regularly. These updates are generally available through a subscription from your antivirus vendor.

TIP # 4
(Use an Anti-spyware application. )
Spyware is a general term used for software that performs certain tasks, such as collecting personal information or changing the configuration of your computer without your appropriate consent and control. Spyware can significantly slow down your computer, make unwanted changes to key settings, and be difficult to remove.
Anti-spyware software helps protect your computer from spyware and other potentially unwanted software by detecting and removing known spyware programs. It can be scheduled to scan your computer at times that are convenient for you.
A variety of tools that detect and remove unwanted software from your computer are available at no charge
Microsoft offers Windows AntiSpyware which can help protect your PC from spyware and other potentially unwanted software This is available from for FREE for all users of Genuine Windows software.

TIP # 5
(Upgrade to Windows XP Service Pack 2)
If you are using Windows XP, we highly recommend that you upgrade to Service Pack 2. Windows XP Service Pack 2 (SP2) contains a collection of new technologies designed to help keep your PC and your personal information more secure. These new technologies include the Windows Security Center, Windows Firewall, Internet Explorer Pop-up Blocker, and more.

TIP # 6
(Create a "strong" password.)
The purpose of having a logon process is to establish who you are. Once the operating system or website knows who you are, it can grant or deny requests for services. If a bad guy learns your username and password. he can log on as you. In fact, as far as the operating system is concerned, he is you.
Sometimes we use simple passwords so it will be easy for us to remember them. Usual passwords include your name, name of your spouse or child, your birthday, your pet's name, your ID number. The problem with these passwords is that anyone who knows you could probably figure out your password given enough time. That is why these are also called "weak" passwords.
A strong password is where you create a more complex password using other symbols on the keyboard and use other words which would be harder to guess. Remember that lowercase letters are different from upper case letters. For example... for password" it could be'P@s$wOrD".
Finally, try to adopt a"Pass Phrase" instead. It could be easier to remember, yet more difficult to guess. For example, "MyBirthdaylsOnNov22 1979". Just let your imagination fly!

Tip # 7
(Keep your passwords safe.)
Your password is as important as your ATM PIN, or your front door key. You need to guard it well, and make sure nobody else gets hold of it.
As much as possible. memorize your password and do not write it down Some people not only wnte their passwords down, they put it in prominent places like on a small sheet taped to computer monitor. By doing so, you defeat the purpose of having a password.
Remember not to give out your password to ANYONE. It is also smart to change your password regularly.
Most people use the same password for all of their internet accounts. This is something we don't advise you to do. Just imagine what would happen if someone got hold of your password for one of your accounts? He or she would have access to all of your internet accounts.

TIP # 8
(Be suspicious of bogus E-Mail.)
Anyone, anywhere in the world, can register for an ISP account. and Internet email protocols allow anyone to send a message that appears to be from any other person. Don't assume an email from "Tito Boy" or "Manang Gloria" was actually sent from someone you know, and don't assume that an unsolicited message from user@hotmail. com was really sent by that account.
If an e-mail has a very small attachment and the message of the e-mail is practically empty. Just delete it. If the attachment is a ZIP file but it looks too small to contain a photo or document, just delete it. Despite who it seems to come from, chances are it is probably a virus.

TIP # 9
(Be suspicious of scams)
Scams are a popular way of getting your personal information. The most common scams are fake login pages and forged emails that ask for your password, credit card number, or other sensitive information. Ignore anything you see that strikes you as questionable or suspicious.
If any e-mail asks for your usemame or password, do not respond or reply to these e-mail messages. Always confirm a transaction through your Bank. The intemet is also full of "get rich quick" scams. Just remember that if it seems to good to be true, it probably is. If you received e-mail from anyone claiming they will share with you millions of dollars if you help them out or follow a few simple instructions, this almost always is a scam in which you will gain nothing and could put you in financial or physical risk.

Gardening Tips

**Gardening Tips**

African Violets
Violets will bloom longer, prettier and more abundantly if you stick a few rusty nails in the soil alongside them.

Aphids
Wash entire plant off with mild detergent and water.

Black Flies
Combine 1/4 tablespoon plain ammonia and 1 quart water. Water the soil.

Chives
Save the bottom of a green onion (the bulb plus about 3/4-inch). Put it into a pot of soil and water it. Snip off the green parts as you need them.

Cut Flowers
To keep fresh, put one aspirin in the water each day.
Dip cut flowers into a little baking soda mixed with water. This will extend their life and works better than the little packets of commercial life extenders.
Put 1/4 teaspoon bleach in the water every day, but be sure to change the water every day.
When cut roses start to fade, take them out of the vase and hang upside down for a week or so until completely dry, then put them back in a vase without water for a dried arrangement that will last almost forever.

Fertilizer
When you clean your aquarium, use the old water to water your plants. It's excellent fertilizer.
Save fireplace ashes and sprinkle them liberally over your garden in the late Fall. This controls the pH level. Ash is rich with phosphorous, potash and other elements.
Soak leftover eggshells in water in a covered container for 24 to 36 hours. Throw out the eggshells and water the plants.
Save the water in which you have cooked or steamed vegetables. Feed it to the houseplant or a tree or shrub outdoors.

Flower Arrangements
Arrange flowers in front of a mirror, so that you will know what the other side looks like.
To revive a vase of wilted flowers, add a teaspoon of mild detergent.

Hanging Plants
Hang them with nylon fishing line if you don't care for chains, ropes or macram?.

Herbs
To dry herbs, set an old, clean window screen on four bricks. Lay herbs on the screen to dry.

Pests
To keep numerous pests at bay, add garlic cloves to water in a blender, then strain the liquid through several layers of cheesecloth. Spray on your garden. To repel pests on plants, grind up several pods of hot peppers in a meat grinder or blender. Add an equal amount of water and 2 teaspoons of plain dishwashing detergent to help the solution cling to the leaves. Spray the affected plants every few days.

Planting
Plant flower or vegetable seeds in cardboard egg cartons. Poke a hole in the bottom of each egg cup for draining, then fill with dirt. Plant seeds as instructed on the seed packet. To transplant, cut the carton into 12 pieces and plant the individual egg cups directly in the ground. The cardboard will decompose naturally.

Plants
Use leftover Styrofoam peanuts as great drainage in the bottom of a pot. Cut the bottom out of gallon-size plastic milk jugs to make covers for small garden plants. Just remove the caps to let in fresh air. They are transparent enough to admit sunlight.
For bright, beautiful leaves on household plants, wipe each leaf with a small amount of mayonnaise on a soft paper towel. It will make the leaves easier to keep clean, and they'll remain shiny for months.To help keep moisture in the ground, place very clean straw around the base of the plants to make a thick blanket under each plant. This also helps to keep weeds down.

Poinesttias
To start, cut off a slip about 6 inches long and place it in wet sand in a can in July. Make holes in the bottom of the can for drainage. Turn a glass over it and leave it there. Keep the sand moist, but not too wet. It takes a while to root, so be patient. By fall, it will be ready to pot. It will bloom by Christmas.\

Pole Beans
Plant pole beans next to sunflowers. The beans will climb the lower part of the sunflowers and you won't need to use any poles.

Roses
When planting a rose bush, bury a banana peel or a rotted banana in the soil next to the roots of the bush. Roses need potassium for proper growth.

Rhubarb
Rhubarb leaves are poisonous. Eat only the stems. Pick stalks when they are as thick as your thumb by twisting (not cutting) them off near the base of the plant. For easy harvesting, gather the outside stems first.

Seeding
The next time you spread grass seed, mix the seed with ordinary white flour. You'll be able to see what areas you missed.

Spiders
Wash entire plant off with mild detergent and water.

Water Hose
If a hose gets so many leaks that it is almost impossible to repair anymore, turn it into a soaking hose by punching more holes along the length.

Watering
Save coffee cans. Make some holes in the bottom and along the sides along the bottom and bury in the ground near your plants just almost to the top of the can. Then fill with water to give your plants' roots plenty of water during the summer.
Rinse out plastic liter soda bottles. Make a few small holes in the cap of the bottles, then cut a hole in the bottom. Bury the plastic bottles upside down about halfway near the roots of water-hungry plants. then fill them with water. The water will drain out directly to the roots of the plant.
Water plants and lawns early in the morning well before the heat of the day. Also water heavily just a few times a week for best root growth.

Weeds
Wet down several sheets of newspapers and lay them on the ground between rows of vegetables. Weeds won't penetrate. They are also healthy for the soil when they decompose.

White Flies
Mix 1 teaspoon dishwashing liquid in 1 gallon water, then spray on leaves.

Wildlife and Pest Deterrents
Plant a solid border of marigolds around your vegetable garden. The animals dislike the smell and will stay away.
Save hair that you clean out of brushes. Stuff it into old stockings and panty hose. Knot each end so that the hair is secured in a wad. Tie this to young trees or bushes that deer and rabbits favor. The scent of humans from the hair scares away wildlife.
Put a bar of the strongest smelling soap you can find into old pantyhose. Tie on branches of fruit trees to keep deer away.

Recipe: Cranberry Sauce

Cranberry Sauce--Simply Divine!

This whole berry sauce is made with fresh cranberries, cooked in a
sugar syrup until thickened, then flavored with diced candied orange peel and candied ginger.

Ingredients:
1 pkg (12 oz.) raw cranberries
3/4 cup water
3/4 cup sugar
1/3 cup candied diced orange peel, chopped 1/4 cup candied ginger, diced

Method
Bring cranberries, water and sugar to a boil, stirring frequently. Stir at medium boil for 4 to 5 minutes or until sauce thickens. Remove from heat and add orange and ginger. Stir occasionally as sauce cools. Serve at room temperature, or refrigerate until ready to serve with your holiday meal.

Recipe: Pasta Pesto Salad

Pasta Pesto Salad

Ingredients:
• 8 oz. dried orzo (rice-shaped pasta)
• 8 oz. cherry tomatoes, quartered
• Pesto dressing, see below
• About 1/4 cup pine nuts, lightly toasted
• Fresh basil sprigs
• About 1 cup lightly packed fresh basil leaves
• 2 garlic cloves, peeled
• About 1/4 cup pine nuts
• 3 tablespoons virgin olive oil
• 1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese (3/4 oz.)
• 3 tablespoons half and half

Directions:
Following package directions, cook pasta in boiling salted water just until tender but still firm. Drain, rinse with cold water and drain again. Place in a bowl and add tomatoes. To prepare Pesto Dressing, combine basil leaves, garlic, pine nuts and oil in a blender and process until smooth. Turn into a bowl and beat in cheese and half and half. Stir dressing into pasta mixture, then transfer to a serving dish and sprinkle with toasted pine nuts. Garnish with basil sprigs.

Recipe: Sweet Potato Casserole

Sweet Potato Casserole

This is a must have recipe for any Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. This sweet potato casserole is always completely devoured.

Ingredients:
3 large cooked sweet potatoes, pureed
1 cup sugar
2 egs
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup melted butter
1/3 cup milk

Topping:
1 cup light brown sugar
1 cup chopped pecans
1/3 cup flour 1/3 cup butter softened

Method
Mix all potato casserole ingredients together in processor and process until well blended. Put into a greased baking dish and add topping that has been mixed together and crumbled over potato mixture. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes.

Recipe: Pecan Pie

Pecan Pie

Instead of pecan halves, try using walnut halves or chopped macadamia nuts in this classic Thanksgivng Day dessert.

Ingredients:
3 eggs (beaten)
1 cup corn syrup
2/3 cup sugar
1/3 cup melted butter or margarine
1 tsp. vanilla
1 1/4 cups pecan halves1 unbaked pie crust

Method
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Stir together eggs, corn syrup, sugar, melted butter, and vanilla. Stir in pecan halves. Pour mixture into pie crust. Cover edge of pie with foil. Bake for 25 minutes. Remove foil and bake 20 to 25 minutes more or until a knife inserted in center comes out clean.

Recipe: Potatoes of Paris

Potatoes of Paris

3 large potatoes (peeled)
2 T sweet butter
2 T parsley (chopped)

Salt & pepper to taste

Shape potatoes into small balls with melon baller or scoop. Parboil in salted water 3 to 4 minutes. Drain. Melt butter in skillet; add potatoes. Cook and roll into golden brown. Pour into heated serving dish. Sprinkle with parsley and salt and pepper to taste.

Recipe: Kidney Bean Loaf

Kidney Bean Loaf

2 T chopped onions
2 T vegetable oil
4 C cooked kidney beans
1 grated carrot
1 T chopped parsley
½ C tomatoes
1 C whole wheat crumbs
2 eggs, beaten
2 celery stalks, chopped
1 t oregano
1-1/2 t sweet basil

Tomato sauce to taste

Sauté onions in oil in skillet until brown; add to beans. Add carrot, parsley, tomatoes, crumbs, eggs, celery, oregano, and 1 T sweet basil. Mix well. Spoon into greased loaf pan. Bake at 350°F for 1 hour. Mix tomato sauce and remaining sweet basil. Serve with loaf.

Recipe: New Orleans-Style Red Beans

New Orleans-Style Red Beans

1 lb dried red kidney beans
1 hambone
1 lb ham, diced
1 large onion, chopped
½ C chopped green pepper
½ C chopped celery
1 clove of garlic, chopped
3 T tomato paste
Salt & pepper to taste
1 T minced parsley

Soak beans overnight. Drain and rinse beans. Place in large heavy kettle; add hambone, ham, onion, green pepper, celery, garlic, tomato paste, salt, pepper and parsley. Pour in 2 quarts cold water; bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover kettle. Simmer for 4 hours or until beans are tender. Serve over rice.

An interesting way to propose

I was looking through some server stats, and I found an interesting link. There is this German guy living in the United States, in love with a lady named Mary, and he is trying a very different way to get his proposal to her. He sent out a letter to 50 people with a poem, a website, and a context, and he is hoping that this message will go further and further, till it reaches her, and Mary agrees to marry him. Neat idea, and best of wishes to him.
The website is Proposal to Mary.

Unlocker helps delete locked files with error messages

Unlocker helps delete locked files with error messages like:

- Cannot delete file: Access is denied
- There has been a sharing violation.
- The source or destination file may be in use.
- The file is in use by another program or user.
- Make sure the disk is not full or write-protected and that the file is not currently in use.

Available at this link.

Bart's Preinstalled Environment (BartPE) bootable live windows CD/DVD

Bart's PE Builder helps you build a "BartPE" (Bart Preinstalled Environment) bootable Windows CD-Rom or DVD from the original Windows XP or Windows Server 2003 installation/setup CD, very suitable for PC maintenance tasks.

It will give you a complete Win32 environment with network support, a graphical user interface (800x600) and FAT/NTFS/CDFS filesystem support. Very handy for burn-in testing systems with no OS, rescuing files to a network share, virus scan and so on.
This will replace any Dos bootdisk in no time!

Here are a few things that are possible with PE and are not possible with any type of dos-based boot disk, even when using network support and ntfsdos:

* Accessing very large (>2TB) NTFS volumes or accessing volumes that are not seen by the BIOS, like some fibre channel disks.
* Very reliable scanning and cleaning of viruses on NTFS volumes using a "clean boot".
* Active Directory support.
* Have remote control over other machines, using vnc or remote desktop.

Available at this link.

What is file extension .DAT

Sometimes on your computer, you find files with the .Dat extension, and there is a lot of curiosity about what these files are ?
They can be Windows systems files that you should not tamper with, or they could be copies of Videos, or files used by other programs.
For more details, refer to this link.

PrimoPDF - Free PDF converter

Convert to PDF from any application by simply 'printing' to the PrimoPDF printer - it couldn't be easier! Within minutes, you can create high-quality PDFs by converting from Word, Excel, and virtually any other printable file type.

* Completely FREE PDF Converter - not just a trial version.
* Print to PDF from virtually any Windows application.
* Create PDF output optmized for print, screen, ebook, or prepress.
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* High-quality, easy to use PDF creator for all users.
* New! Ability to merge PDF files upon conversion.
* New! Now supports Windows Vista.

Available from this link.

Also available, A free online service that enables you to upload files for free, instant conversion to PDF, PrimoOnline is effortless. Simply browse to the file to be converted on your machine and upload it for immediate conversion to PDF. Once converted, the resultant PDF file is made available via a convenient web link.

Tips for giving an examination 2

Are You Scared of Examination?

Yes, most of the students have a sort of panic when reaching towards the examination date. Here, I am trying to streamline some positive remedies to avoid the fear of examination. There is no doubt that if you strictly follow these tips, there will not be a place for fear or tension.

So, let us begin . . . .

Almost everyone has some experience of exams, no matter how long ago they sat them. It is worthwhile reflecting on this experience and seeing what you can learn from it. Taking examinations involves planning and preparation both at the revision stage and at the time of the examination itself. Examinations are sometimes viewed negatively by people, but they can serve a positive purpose. The process of revision for exams can help to pull together aspects of the module studied, helping you to realise the range of different topics that have been covered and the extent of your learning.

As we know, in all exams there are various types of questions like,

Multiple choice questions
Short answer questions
OSCE (objective structured clinical examinations)
Video review

Revision Revision is the opportunity to go over information you have already learned - to refresh your memory and refine your knowledge. It should be a process of focusing on key themes and issues and identifying what is really important. It is your chance to make connections and link up different parts of your course, to relate what you have learned to the ways in which you can use your knowledge.
It is not really the time to be learning new things, but rather to be thinking about how you can apply what you already know to the crucial questions in your subject.
There are many different strategies for revision.

Planning

Preparation with Exam
Practice with Old Question Papers
Combined Study and Quizzes

Skill to Remember

Summerizing the content
Summerizing Techniques - Make Diagrams, Make Records, Use different colours for important points

Breakdown in to chunks

Preparation for the Exam Eight to ten weeks before the exam

Complete work on the course
Draw up your revision plan.
Some people find exams extremely stressful. You may wish to discuss with your GP or complementary healthcare professional suitable flower/herbal supplements to help you remain calm.

One month before the exam

Reflect on how your revision is going - you should be roughly half way through your proposed plan
Take any necessary steps to get back on course
Revise your plan if necessary.
If you are revising for a timed exam, take time to work out a time plan for the exam. For example, if you know that you will have to answer 3 questions, create a breakdown of how much time you will use to answer each question. Allow time to read the questions carefully, time to jot down notes and a brief plan to your answer and allow time at the end to read through your answers.

The week before the exam

Make sure you know where the examination will take place and how long it will take to get there.
Gather together all the necessary material for the examination: pens and pencils, ink, eraser, ruler, watch, tissues, correcting fluid, drink, anything else you will need
Make sure you are familiar with examination procedures.

The day before the exam

If you can do so, stop working now - go to a movie, or for a long walk.

You are unlikely to learn anything you don't know by now and you almost certainly know more than you think you do.
However, many people find this almost impossible and need to 'psych themselves up' before the exam by revising right up until the last minute. If this is the case don't try to revise anything new, just go over your most recent summary notes to remind yourself of key points. Try to maintain a balance between your revision and other areas of life - allow yourself a certain amount of time for revision, but don't plan to stay up all night!

Tips for giving an examination

Are You Scared of Examination?

Yes, most of the students have a sort of panic when reaching towards the examination date. Here, I am trying to streamline some positive remedies to avoid the fear of examination. There is no doubt that if you strictly follow these tips, there will not be a place for fear or tension.

So, let us begin . . . .

Writing an Examination Essay The key to any examination is revision and preparation. Some tips to help you prepare for writing an essay under controlled conditions:

Seek out central questions and think about questions you may be asked.
Practice jotting down outlines to the answers.
Practice writing in a timed situation.
Use peer groups to discuss questions and plans.
Read official information for students - Academic regulations.
Make a timetable for revision

Day of the Exam

Do what feels right for you
Leave plenty of time for the journey
Plan to arrive with time to spare before the exam starts
Avoid anything that is likely to increase your stress
Make sure you bring the correct equipment with you.
The examination room will be set up formally and there are guidelines for the conduct of examinations.
You must bring your Student ID card with you. There will be invigilators in the classroom - they may or may not know you.

Exam-taking Activity The day of the exam
Like every other student in the examination hall, to some degree you will suffer from nerves when you are finally sitting in the examination. If you keep in mind a few simple rules about exam technique, you will give yourself the best possible chance of passing the exam with a good mark and avoiding the mistakes that can cost good candidates their success.

How much time have you got?
Will you have readidng time?
If not, allow 5 minutes to read all questions.
Allow 5 minutes to checking at the end of the Exam.
Divide the rest of the time according to the number of questions and/or marks for each - a question worth 30% should have a little more time than one worth 15%.
If you haven't finished the question within the allotted time, move on - you can come back to the question at the end of the exam.
The Exam Paper
Read the question paper carefully - 2 or 3 times.
As with all essays, underline the key words in the questions you intend to answer (make a time plan) .
Look carefully at what you are being asked to do
Give yourself several minutes to brainstorm key ideas (spider diagram). Remember the question will reflect the course / module content.
If you are able to take in annotated references, add these to your brainstorm.
Think about how the information relates to the question
Arrange points in order of importance
Remember to keep the question. Everything you write should have a clear relationship to the question.
Start writing as soon as you can and do your best to write legibly.
Reach your conclusion or summarise what you have written.
If you are asked for specific additional equipment, for example, an annotated reference list you must include this with your paper.

Exam Nerves Some people find exams extremely stressful. You may find some of the following things helpful.

Practise deep breathing to help remain calm.
Use a visualisation technique to help with focus.
Use positive affirmations to help you cope, for example ‘ I am a calm and relaxed person.’
You may wish to discuss with a complementary healthcare professional using suitable flower/herbal supplements to help you remain calm, for example, ‘Bach’s rescue remedy.’

"Make sure you have planned getting there in time before the exam starts."

Jokes

1. It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old RICH man married a
20-year-old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying,

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.

The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year.

The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then replied, "Well, you had better change the oil.

This one's black!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.



2. Doug and Bill went out drinking one night and didn't get home till the wee hours.

They see each other the next day at work and Bill asks, "Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"

Doug replies, "No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."



3. ONE LINERS

* Medical ethics experts are still struggling with the question as to whether or not it's fitting for young male gynecologists to keep looking up old girlfriends.

* There is nothing so annoying as arguing with somebody who knows what he is talking about!

* There are many things in ure life that will catch ure eye but only a few will catch ure
heart....pursue those

* I think you'll find a big difference between people who pray in church and those people who pray in casinos...because the ones praying in the casinos are very serious.

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal.

* When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes.

* I'm in serious trouble. I got caught urinating in the shower this morning. It seems they frown on that at Home Depot.

* True love is the willingness to compromise. He agrees to cut back on red meat. She agrees that beer is a vegetable!

* On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

* Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
* Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

* The gym requires "loose-fitting clothes." If I had loose fitting clothes, I wouldn't be going to the gym.
* There's a new invention on the market, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

* What an automated society we live in: Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?

* Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said: "Quit while
you're ahead?"

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal.

* Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

* The Roman Catholic Church is coming out with a new low-Fat Communion wafer. It is called: "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus!"

* We know a fellow who upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea.

* Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

* The man who gives in when he is wrong ... is wise; the man who gives in when he is right ... is married.

* Jesus loves you ... but I'm his favorite.

* What one generation sees as a luxury, the next sees as a necessity.

* Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.

* Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

* The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

* Did You Know that a blowjob is the only job in the world that cannot be included in your
resume despite years of experience and a number of references?

* Ever notice every time they bring out a new product they call it IMPROVED. Kinda makes you wonder what they were passing off on you before.

* Marriage is a mutual relationship only if both parties know how/when to be mute.

* There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

* All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one.

* Every cigarette you smoke reduces your life by 5 minutes, sex increases life by 10 minutes.

So the basic theme of the equation is a fucking smoker never dies.

* Sex-for men-is just like banking. First you make a deposit, then you make a withdrawal, and then you lose interest.

* Blind dates are like chocolate - they are usually chunky and they quickly disappear.

* An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

* A fish is an underwater creature that grows fastest between the time it is caught and the time the fisherman describes it to his friends.

* "It's an age-old truism. Men will quickly fall asleep after having sex. And I know why, too.
It's because they've been up half the night begging for it."

* You know the romance is over when you come to bed, ready to make love to your wife, and she is on the phone, and she tells whoever she is talking to that she will call them back in two minutes...

* Many of those who rely on body language need to improve their vocabularies.

* Women have many faults; Men only have 2. Everything they say, and everything they do.

* Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

* Jealousy is wanting what others have. Stupidity is thinking I might one day get it.

* Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

* Black holes are where God divided by zero.

* Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come."

* The gym requires "loose-fitting clothes." If I had loose-fitting clothes, I wouldn't be going to the gym.

* Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

* Even on the most exalted throne you are still sitting on nothing but your ass.

* Ever notice that every time congress hammers out a new budget, its the tazpayers who get nailed?

* Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses

* Whoever thought that one-day the only place in town to get gas at a decent price would be Taco Bell?

* Take a look at your tax bills and you'll quit calling them "cheap politicians."

* Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher...and, since it's in English, thank a soldier!!"

* Did you hear about the new computer Apple has developed, small enough to be carried in a fanny pack? It will be called the Macintush.

* Wise men speak because they have something to say. Fools speak because they have to say something.

* I'm in serious trouble. I got caught urinating in the shower this morning. It seems they frown on that at Home Depot.

* Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.

* The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and women lay better.

* The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit.

* Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
It kept falling out!

* Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness.

They should have given us a few clues as to where to look.

* Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft ... Today, it's called golf.

* My wife and I divorced over religious differences - She thought she was God and I didnt.

* Two ancient occupants of a geriatric nursing home were discussing the merits of this "newfangled" support pantyhose."Well, I don't like them," said the first old dear, "because every time I fart, I blow my slippers off ... !"

* "Don't worry if your job is small, and your rewards are few. Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you!"

* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

* Bumper sticker seen on the back of a car......
"I wish my wife was this dirty!"

* Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes...... However, having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes ...... So smokers ... Screw for your lives!

* A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes." The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."

* What's the similarity between a man and an uppercase Q?
They're both big fat zeroes with little dicks hanging off them.

* One question to ask please. . .
If Russia was to attack Turkey from the rear- would Greece help?

* Archaeologists have finally come up with an explanation as to why man eventually began walking upright. to free up their hands for masturbation.

* What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common
They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!

* There are only two kinds of drivers: Idiots and Maniacs. Idiots include anyone that drives slower than me, and the Maniacs are everyone that drives faster than me.

* Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

* A fish is an underwater creature that grows fastest between the time it is caught and the time the fisherman describes it to his friends.

* One half of all the troubles in the world can be traced to saying, "YES" too quickly and not saying, "NO" soon enough.

* Many of those who rely on body language need to improve their vocabularies.

* I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

* When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

* Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

* Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen aSleep yet.

* My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

* Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

* If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

* Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

* Growing up is Optional !! Growing old is Mandatory!!!

* An open marriage is nature's way of telling you, you need a divorce.

* Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* Life is sexually transmitted.

* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

* Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

* I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

* You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

* I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

* I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

* I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

* I was thinking, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

* Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

* Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

* A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."

* I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

* I'll drive you crazy, but you're paying for gas.

* Always get the last word in: Apologize.

* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

* It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.

* I have excellent sleeping habits. When the sun rises, I don't.

* Vitamins are good for what ails you; VIAGRA is good for what FAILS you!!

* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

* If airline travel is so safe, how come the flight attendants sit right next to the emergency exits?

* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

* Don't criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you.

* Bosses are like legs. When they get to the top, they become asses.

* Show me a Jewish boy who didn't become a doctor and I'll show you a lawyer.

* Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

* It's okay to tell your wife she gives good blowjobs but it's NOT okay to tell her that her sister does better!

* Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

* A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.

* Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

* Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

* If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings.

* It's okay to tell your wife she gives good blowjobs but it's NOT okay to tell her that her sister does better!

* The highways will be safer now that the price of gasoline is so high. Nobody can afford to drink AND drive.

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

* The Irish SAS have surrounded a department store in Dublin...Apparently Bed Linen is on the second floor...

* A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint. The crew are believed to be marooned.

* The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

* If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings.

* Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

* America: A country where half the money is spent buying food and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.

* A font walks into a bar, and the barman says "we don't serve your type in here"

* Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all it's students!

* If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking.

* Never stand between a dog and the tree he was smelling.

* A blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your balls.

* They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be darned if I am going to roll 12 shopping carts out of the grocery store!

* Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

* Talk is Cheap - until you hire a lawyer.

* If you have to get some money, borrow from a pessimist. He doesn't expect to get it back!

* A pessimist is a man who gets a clean bill of health from his doctor, then goes to get a second opinion!

* A pessimist is somebody who's afraid that somewhere, somehow, someone's having a good time!

* A good thing to exercise when you’re putting on weight is restraint.

* Just when you start winning the rat race, you run into faster rats!

* Running out of sausage is a busy pizza maker’s wurst nightmare.

* A pessimist has the feeling he isn't going anywhere and he's already arrived!

* Arrogance is the humility of the uncertain!

* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off.

* He arrived late at the party to find he was beaten to the punch.

* It's always good when the TV weatherman is pessimistic about the weather. People feel so good when he's wrong!

* Life may not be all you want, but it's all you have.

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

* Excuses are like asses . . . everyone's got em and they all stink.

* Vitamins are good for what ails you; VIAGRA is good for what FAILS you!!

* There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shit-head's.

* A true friend stabs you in the front.

* The difference between a divorce and a circumcision is... in a divorce you get rid of the whole schmuck.

* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

* The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

* Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes.

* It's one of life's mysteries - how a 2 lb box of chocoates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs.

* Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

* When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping..." Now I just "chunky dunk."

* Despite the name, K-Y Jelly doesn't go that well with peanut butter.

* If you masturbate with both hands, is that considered a ménage a trois?

* Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends on the kind of chick he marries.