Humour: The last thing that a person did

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all
the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few
survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says
the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room,
and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in
stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the
mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing
he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

Joke: Billy Bob's widow goes to write a obituary for her beloved dead husband

A older woman down south goes into the local newspaper office to see that
the obituary for her recently deceased husband is properly written. (She had
always been known for her accuracy to details, second only to her famous
sense of thrift.) Only his beloved pickup truck remained to remind her of
his presence.

The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a
word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Billy
Bob died."

Although amused at the woman's cleverness, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am
there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

This causes her to become only a little flustered, so she thinks things over
for a few seconds. "In that case," she says, "let it read, 'Billy Bob died,
1983 Pickup for sale.'"

Joke: The priest and the jackass, and the police

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Joke: No money this week

Two friends meet on a Miami street. One looked forlorn, and
almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how
come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an
uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin
I never knew kicked the bucket , and left me eighty-five
thousand free and clear."

"Sounds like you should be grateful."

"Last week my great aunt passed away. I inherited almost a
quarter of a million."

"Then how come you look so glum?"

"This week........ nothing!"

Pilot dies, but jet lands safely

This can be a bad situation, given that the pilots on modern planes have a huge amount of training before they are ready to fly modern planes. The dependence on pilots being fully aware when they are flying is pretty high, which is why if a pilot is caught drinking before a flight, it is taken very seriously. So, if a pilot is incapacitated during a flight or dies, it could become a problem. There is a co-pilot, but it is still risky. So it was a wonder that things went very smoothly on this Continental flight when the pilot died of natural causes during the flight (link to article):

The pilot of Continental Flight 61 died Thursday as the plane flew from Brussels, Belgium, to Newark, New Jersey, the Federal Aviation Administration and Continental Airlines said. The 60-year-old Newark-based pilot died of "apparently of natural causes" about halfway through the flight, the airline said. He had 32 years of service with Continental, it said. Passengers told CNN that they were not informed, and that the only indication of a problem was that an announcement for a doctor was made during the flight.
The airline said the crew on the flight included an additional relief pilot who took the place of the deceased man, and "the flight continued safely with two pilots at the controls." The Boeing 777 landed safely at Newark International Airport at 11:49 a.m. ET Thursday, the airline said.

Good that things went well, and the passengers were not notified during the flight so there were no panic situations.

Man dressed as his dead mother to continue claiming benefits

Fans of suspense movies might remember the movie 'Pyscho' and the character of Norman Bates. However, that character was dealing with murder, while in a recent arrest, a man was convicted of impersonating his dead mother in order to continue claiming her benefits (Social security, loans, state housing subsidies). Irene Prusik, the mother of Thomas Prusik Parkin, died in 2003, and he started dressing up as her when required, and sought the help of another accomplice in maintaining this charade. The interesting fact in this was that he was able to continue this for as long as 7 years before the law finally caught up with him (link to article):

A 49-year-old Brooklyn man faces up to 25 years' jail for allegedly dressing as his dead mother to scam $1m in benefits and loans, the New York Daily News reports. Thomas Prusik Parkin (pictured) adopted Irene Prusik's identify following her death in 2003, the Brooklyn district attorney's office claims. Dressed in "wig, makeup, nail polish and long, red dresses", he and alleged accomplice, 47-year-old Mhilton Rimolo - who posed as his nephew - managed to collect "$62,000 in Social Security payments and $65,000 in state rent subsidies".
The elaborate scam finally came to an end when Parkin was arrested after attempting to renew his mother's driving licence at the Brooklyn Department of Motor Vehicles. A security camera captured him and Rimolo red-handed (see pic). When he was cuffed on Monday, investigators presented Parkin with clear evidence he was not his mother, in the form of a photograph of her grave.

He will be facing a trial for grand larceny and forgery, and could face upto 25 years in jail.

Festival celebrating roadkill

Food festivals are different the world over, with different cultures all over the world, and different cuisines. Let me ask you this - how many of you have heard of roadkill ? You know, the case where animals such as deer, snakes, squirrels, possums, get killed by speeding vehicles and can be found on the side of roads. How do you combine the two ? Ugh - what a prospect. But there is a food festival where the food is essentially supposed to be based on roadkill, and this festival is so popular that hotels and motels are booked in the city when it is supposed to happen (link to article):

Thousands of people converge on the small town of Marlinton, West Virginia, each fall for a feast whose main ingredients were unlucky enough to crawl, slither or lurk too close to a speeding car. "There are some that are better than others, but I've never really had anything that I really didn't like," Cain said. "But there was one year they cooked a rattlesnake in some kind of stew, and ... there was no way I could taste that one."
About 10,000 people from all over the country came to last year's gathering, Cain said. All dishes featured in the festival must have animals commonly found dead on the side of the road -- such as deer, squirrels and snakes -- as their main ingredient. But the meat doesn't have to be actual roadkill.

I certainly don't want to be the judge for such an event, but it does seem to be incredibly popular.

Trying to land an airplane in the absence of a pilot

When you are being driven by somebody else, and something happens to the driver, most people will attempt to take over the driving themselves. Even if that fails, there is a good chance that even an accident will not lead to severe injuries; what happens when the controls are more complicated, and the injuries / damages that would happen in an accident are more likely to happen ? We are so dependent on air travel that we do not even try to consider the case of what happens when something happens to the pilot of the aircraft; well in the case of this small craft, there was a passenger who was able to fly the aircraft with some coaching (link to article):

It's a nightmarish scenario straight out of the movies: A passenger is forced to land a plane after its pilot becomes incapacitated. The reality was playing aboard a plane over Florida on Sunday in what the National Air Traffic Controllers Association called "an Easter miracle." The pilot notified controllers that the plane was at 9,000 feet and climbing, said Steve Wallace, Miami Center spokesman for the association. However, a controller at the center tried twice to raise the pilot after that and received no response, Wallace said.
After a few moments, a different voice came over the radio: Passenger Doug White told air traffic controllers the pilot was unconscious and they needed help. His wife and two teenage daughters were flying home to Louisiana with him, he said. He reported the plane's autopilot was on and the plane was continuing to climb from 10,000 feet. White later told the Naples Daily News he has a pilot's license and about 130 hours experience flying a single engine Cessna, but had never flown the larger, faster King Air.

This was a good coincidence, however, one shudders to think what would happen in the case when there was nobody available to pilot the aircraft; the family would have been acute distress at the impending disaster.

Joke: Kill other animals besides the mule

A man drove with his 12 year-old son to the country one Saturday for his son's first deer hunt. The man intended to go to an old farmer who he had know when he was a boy and ask him permission to hunt on his land.

They arrived at the farm just after noon. The boy stayed in the car as the man went up to talk to the old farmer. The old farmer was happy to see the man and was happy to have him and his son hunt on his place.

The old farmer also asked the man to do him a favor. He explained that his mule, which was standing out in front of the house, was very old and would never make it through the coming winter. He asked the man if he would please shoot the mule for him, as he couldn't bear to do it himself. He said, just shoot him and I'll drag him off with the tractor later.

"Sure," the man replied, "no problem."

As he walked back to the car the man decided to play a joke on his son. He got into the car with a disgusted look on his face, slammed the door and beat his fist on the steering wheel a couple of times. "I can't believe it, that old man has deer all over this place that he doesn't hunt and he won't allow us to hunt them either. We drove all this way for nothing. I'll show that old fool."

The man then grabbed his rifle, jumped out of the car, and shot the old mule dead. Just as he was turning to see his son's reaction he heard BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, from his son's side of the car.

His son yelled, "We showed him, Dad! You killed his mule, and I got his bull and two cows. Let's get out of here!"

Joke: Father will die

A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an
adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he
could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.

One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die.
Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my
father will die."

Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.

The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with
a million dollars in life insurance. A year later she died.

The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and,
figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day
binge. Fast cars! Faster women! Exotic vacations! Flings with supermodels!

His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny
on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for
overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie!!!

At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off
into what he assumed would be his *big* sleep.

To his amazement, he woke up the next morning... He thought he had
cheated death! He was invincible!

But then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news...

"Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead."

Letting people know when you are dead and gone

If you are going to depart from this world, what would think about ? You would worry about the impact this would have on your family in terms of emotional and financial considerations, you would worry about whether you are going to leave with getting all the things done that you would have liked. However, would you worry about informing people on your online communities (including gaming worlds and social networks) that you are not going to be coming back, and they should not expect to see you there again. To some people, this is important as well, and hence an online service is coming up in this regard (link to article):

When Robert Bryant's father died, he left his son a little black USB flash drive in a drawer in his home office. The drive contained a list of contacts for his son to notify, including the administrator of an online group he had been in.
David Eagleman, a neuroscientist at the Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, has set up a site called Deathswitch, where people can set up emails that will be sent out automatically if they don't check in at intervals they specify.
There's another site: Slightly Morbid. It also sends email when a member dies, but doesn't rely on them logging in periodically while alive. Instead, members have to give trusted friends or family the information needed to log in to the site and start notification process if something should happen.

Dying Wish

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.

As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

Adult Joke: EXPLORERS

Three explorers were in the deepest darkest jungles of Africa and were captured by a pigmy tribe. The tribe brings them before the chief, who declares that the explorers were tracking across secret hunting grounds, and the penalty was death.

One explorer asks the chief if they are to die. Could they chose the way they wanted to go.

After much consideration, the chief agreed.

The first explorer loved to eat and wanted to eat himself to death.

The tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 lbs of food and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The second explorer loved to drink and wanted to drink himself to death.

Again, the tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 gals of booze, and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The third explorer loved to screw women.

This took a little time, as the tribe had to construct a large hut and collect 10,000 naked women. They finally got it all together and placed the explorer in the hut with 10,000 naked women and two guards outside the hut to make sure he didn't escape.

Time rolled by, and about 3 months later the chief remembered that he had to see how the punishment of the three explorers turned out.

He went to the first hut, and found the man had ate so much, he exploded. He had the two guards clean up the mess and dismissed them.

In the second hut, the explorer drank so much he puked his guts out. The chief had the two guards clean up the mess, and dismissed them.

You'd never guess what the chief found in the third hut... 10,000 pregnant women, two guards outside the door with red asses and the explorer jacking off in the corner!

Dead pet

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!

"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.

So he took the dirty deceased rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!"

2 Irishmen and whiskey over grave

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."

Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.

"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

''It's a very 'old' bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

Lost money in poker and ...

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses 500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops
dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue play
standing until Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Ok, me lads,
someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs
Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:

"Your husband just lost 500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Bad hair joke

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had
become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto
the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the
woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

A good fishing ..

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Canadian man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. 'We're sorry sir, But we have some information about your wife,' said one Mountie.

'Tell me! Did you find her?' the anguished husband sobbed.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?'

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.'

The Mountie said,'I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay.'

'Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?'

The Mountie continued,'When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25 lb. snow crabs & 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.'

Stunned, the husband demanded,'If that's the good news, what's the great news?'

The Mountie said, 'We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!'

Look .. he's moving

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

POPE DIES

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'.

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."