Joke: Favorite Animal

My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken".

 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.

 

My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.  He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

 

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

 

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

 

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her "Colonel Sanders". She sent me to the principal's office again.

 

This school stuff is really confusing.  

Joke: Horse's ass ...

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition - I would like to have an honorary degree."

The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"

The rich man then added, "An honorary degree for my horse."

"For your horse???"

"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."

"But, we can't give a degree to a horse!"

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another institution."

"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "let me consult with the school's trustees."

A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief, except the oldest trustee. He appeared to be almost asleep.

One trustee snorted, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree, no matter HOW much money is involved."

The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."

The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"

"Of course not," the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."

Humor: Some answers from a children's science exam

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Humour: Sunday school students tell about the Bible

~ When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.

~ St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

~ Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

~ It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

~ The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

~ A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

~ The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

~ One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

~ When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

~ St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Politically correct sayings when applied to children and school

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage restrictive."

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information. "

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness. "

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor retentive athletic footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations. "

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

Humour: What school notes actually mean

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
Really means: He's a bully.

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome.
Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.

Proverbs by children

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She had twenty-five
students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first
half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the
proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first[ graders.
Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these
are first graders..... 6-years old, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses......................until they stop running.

2. Strike while the .............................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before ............. Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of .. termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but .... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that ................... looks dirty.

7. No news......impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a .................... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new ..... math.

10 If you lie down with dogs, you'll . stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust . me.

12 The pen is mightier than the...... . pigs.

13. An i! dle mind is ............... the best way to relax.

14 Where there's smoke there's ..... pollution.

15 Happy the bride who . gets all the presents.

16 A penny saved is .......................... not much.

17 Two's company, three's . the Musketeers.

18 Don't put off till tomorrow what ....... you put on to go to bed

19 Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ............you have
to blow your nose.

20 There are none so blind as ........... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ...... spanked or grounded.

22 If at first you don't succeed ............. get new batteries

23. You get out of something only what you ......see in the picture on the
box.

24 When the blind lead the blind ...... get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!

25 Better late than ..........................pregnant.

Joke: Spelling of father's profession

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.

The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds that Jeff will never be able to spell 'accountant'."

A talking pig ..

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.

Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the
stories for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the
teacher was reading the story of the "Three Little Pigs." She came to
the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire
building materials for his home.

She said, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheel barrow full
of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw
to build my house with?'"

The teacher then asks the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

My friend's son raised his hand and exclaimed, "I know! I know! --
'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"

Apparently the teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A Wise School Teacher

A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school,
I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

What The Teacher Says and What He or She Really Means

Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his
classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high
expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new
territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).

10 ways to determine you are at a bad prom

10. Your date's hairstyle is best described as early Barbara Bush

9. You're slow-dancing next to your science teacher and his dressed up lab skeleton

8. It's scheduled for Tuesday at 10:00 AM

7. Not only is D.J. playing Bryan Adams, D.J. is Bryan Adams

6. Instead of ice, punch bowl is chilled by the frozen head of Ted Williams

5. Principal interrupts festivities with a short film on Scientology

4. The janitor is mixing the punch with his wrench

3. Prom giveaway is a handful of last week's sloppy joe meat

2. It's chaperoned by Whitney Houston

1. The prom queen is named "Glenn"

Johnny and his correct answers

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students

The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3x 3?"
Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third- grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Johnny, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Johnny: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Johnny: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, But Johnny was taking charge.

Johnny: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Johnny: Shake hands.

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Johnny: Tent.

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Johnny: Wedding Ring.

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good.
Johnny: Nose.

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Johnny: Arrow.

Ms Brooks: What word starts with 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Johnny: Fire truck.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself

Which vegetable makes your eye water

A school teacher asks her class, “What vegetable makes your eyes water?”

Little Johnny replies, “A turnip miss.”

”No Johnny,” says the teacher, “I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?”

”No miss,” says Little Johnny, “Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?”

Not wanting to go to school

One Early morning a mother niwent to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.

Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.