Joke: The best dog

The Indians and Pakistanis at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Pakistanis found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.


When the day came for the dog fight, the Indians showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Indians because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Pakistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Pakistani dog. The Pakistani dog snarled and leaped out
of it's cage and charged the Indian dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Pakistani dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Pakistani dog.

The Pakistanis came up to the Indians shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."


"That's nothing", an Indian replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Humor: Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Humor: Dog's note to self

These are just some of the things I must remember (in order to keep my present living arrangements):

~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

~ I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

~ I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.

~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television.

~ The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

~ I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

~ I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.

~ The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, doesn't mean it's cleaner.

~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing 

Funny: You know you have a BIG dog when...

* The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"

* You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.

* It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.

* You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.

* You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.

* You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.

* You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"

* Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.

* You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door. 

Humor: Notice To People Who Visit My House

• The dog lives here. You don't.

• If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

• Yes, she has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point?

• Of course she smells like a dog.

• It's her nature to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff hers.

• I like her a lot better than I do most people.

• To you she's a dog. To me she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of those things.

• Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.

• The same applies for cats, except they will ignore you... until you're asleep.

Joke: Throwing out the dog

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."

The English woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Humor: "You Know You're A Dog Person When..."

You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.

The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.

Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.

You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.

Your dog sleeps with you.

You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.

Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).

You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.

You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.

You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.

You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.

You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.

You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.

You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.

You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard yelling, "Emily, pee!" over and over again, while Emily tends to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).

You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.

Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.

Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.

You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.

You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).

You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.

You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.

You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.

You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs her walk.

You don't go to happy hours with coworkers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.

Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.

Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).

You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor...).

Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.

You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).

You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots.

You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.

You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.

You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.

And the number one reason you know you're a dog person: Your dog is the star of your Web Site!

Humor: The Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. 

Joke: The biggest lie

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.  The group surrounded a dog.  Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray.  We all want him, but only one of us can take him home.  So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback.

"You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.  He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, the reverend won the contest, give him the dog."

Humor: Notes from a dog to himself

These are just some of the things I must remember (in order to keep my present living arrangements):

~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

~ I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

~ I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.

~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television.

~ The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

~ I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

~ I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.

~ The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, doesn't mean it's cleaner.

~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing

Joke: A strange dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.  An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.  Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Humor: Mind Games Dogs Play With Their Humans

After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans' bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically
search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'potty', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go potty will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you.

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning potty. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep
after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Humor: An amazing dog

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of those things."