Joke: Getting a good lawyer

Nathan is talking to his lawyer. "Here's the deal, Abe. If you're absolutely sure I'll win the case, I'll give you the business."

"Okay," replies Abe, "but before I can give you my opinion, I obviously need to know the facts."

So Nathan goes into great detail about his failed partnership and ends up saying, "So now you've heard everything, do you think I can sue my partner and get my money back?"

"Well," replies Abe, "from what I've just heard, it's clear to me that you will win. It's rare to have such an open-and-shut case."

Nathan goes very white when he hears this.

"What's the matter?" asks Abe.

"I told you my partner's side of the case," replies Nathan.

Joke: Who stole the TV

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions:

The Prosecutor: "You witnessed the robbery, sir?"

The Eyewitness: "Yes"

The Prosecutor: "What was stolen?"

The Eyewitness: "Two televisions"

The Prosecutor: "Did you see the thieves?"

The Eyewitness: "Yes"

The Prosecutor: "Could you identify them?"

The Eyewitness: "Yes"

The Prosecutor: "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.

Joke: The sharp policeman against the lawyer

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.

The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

Humour: Dispute between a big city lawyer and others

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old
rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which
the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by
the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the
back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him
aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best
selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was
asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on
you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the
fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that
morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little
worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home
this morning."

Joke: The last gambit of a lawyer to protect his client

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you
all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

Weird news: Man held in Brazil for kissing daughter

It seemed pretty weird when I read the story for the first time. In Brazil, strangers on a beach found a person kissing a young girl, and with all the stories about child molestation, particularly when the skin color of the man and the girl were different, and it was not immediately apparent that the 2 were related. However, as a result of a complaint, the man was put in prison and faces a long jail term if convicted. The mother of the child, the man's wife, denies that anything improper happened, but the man has already spent a week in jail for this charge (link to article):

There is growing controversy in Brazil over the arrest of an Italian tourist held after kissing his eight-year-old daughter in public. Witnesses told police the man allegedly touched the girl in an intimate way. Under a strict new law partly designed to combat child sex abuse in South America's largest country, he faces eight to 15 years in jail if convicted.
However the wife of the arrested tourist says it was all a misunderstanding by witnesses who had misinterpreted seeing a foreign white man with a young darker-skinned girl. She told the Brazilian state news agency if there was any suggestion the claim was true she would not hesitate to take her daughter's side, and recalled that she had been present the whole time.

Weird news: Man sent to jail for yawning in courts

One knows that judges treat the courts as their domains, not letting anything happen in their can that could be seen as dis-respecting, or as subverting the majesty of the law. The law of contempt of court is made so that if a person acts in a way that could lower the dignity of the judge or the courtroom, then the person can be punished. For the whole judicial system to work, it is necessary that the entire judicial system is held with respect and seen to be efficient and un-biased; equally important is that judges do not misuse this facility and send people off to jail if they feel offended by something.
In this particular case, a person in the courtroom yawned loudly, to the extent that the judge felt that it was a deliberate attempt at being dis-respectful, and the person was sent off to jail for 6 months (link to article):

Drowsy spectators in one suburban Chicago courtroom might want to stifle their yawns from now on. Clifton Williams, 33, of Richton Park, is facing six months in jail for making what court documents call a yawn-like sound in Will county judge Daniel Rozak’s court last month. The yawn happened as Williams’ cousin, Jason Mayfield, was being sentenced for a drug charge.
Rozak found Williams in contempt of court and sentenced him to six months in jail. However, Rozak could free Williams after a status hearing, if Williams apologizes and the judge accepts.

Man dressed as his dead mother to continue claiming benefits

Fans of suspense movies might remember the movie 'Pyscho' and the character of Norman Bates. However, that character was dealing with murder, while in a recent arrest, a man was convicted of impersonating his dead mother in order to continue claiming her benefits (Social security, loans, state housing subsidies). Irene Prusik, the mother of Thomas Prusik Parkin, died in 2003, and he started dressing up as her when required, and sought the help of another accomplice in maintaining this charade. The interesting fact in this was that he was able to continue this for as long as 7 years before the law finally caught up with him (link to article):

A 49-year-old Brooklyn man faces up to 25 years' jail for allegedly dressing as his dead mother to scam $1m in benefits and loans, the New York Daily News reports. Thomas Prusik Parkin (pictured) adopted Irene Prusik's identify following her death in 2003, the Brooklyn district attorney's office claims. Dressed in "wig, makeup, nail polish and long, red dresses", he and alleged accomplice, 47-year-old Mhilton Rimolo - who posed as his nephew - managed to collect "$62,000 in Social Security payments and $65,000 in state rent subsidies".
The elaborate scam finally came to an end when Parkin was arrested after attempting to renew his mother's driving licence at the Brooklyn Department of Motor Vehicles. A security camera captured him and Rimolo red-handed (see pic). When he was cuffed on Monday, investigators presented Parkin with clear evidence he was not his mother, in the form of a photograph of her grave.

He will be facing a trial for grand larceny and forgery, and could face upto 25 years in jail.

Weird news: Mother cut open to take unborn baby

Sometimes you come across crimes so bizarre and horrible that one does not know how to react. One cannot easily determine whether the crime was conducted when the person was of sane mind, or whether the person was insane at that time, and laws normally do not easily allow people who are insane to be prosecuted for crimes that they committed (it is a different matter that it can be fairly difficult to determine whether the person was insane when they committed this crime).
Consider the following case where investigators found a dead woman and a dying baby inside the home of a woman who had earlier claimed to be pregnant, but who was not pregnant (link to article):

An Oregan who was killed last week was cut open by her killer so that the baby could be removed from her womb, an autopsy revealed. Authorities also said Heather Snively’s accused killer, Korena Elaine Roberts, who was arraigned on Monday, told her boyfriend and her family members she was pregnant, even though she wasn’t, The Portland Oregonian reported on Tuesday.
Roberts did not speak during her court appearance, the newspaper reported. Her court-appointed attorney did not enter a plea on her behalf. She is charged with the death of Snively, not her baby because the unborn child must have taken a breath to meet the legal standard of being alive, Washington county prosecutor Bob Hermann said. “The issue is - was the child alive at all, at any point in time?” he said. “That’s the legal issue we’ve got to try and resolve.”

In such a case, jury members have a tough task of determining whether the crime was conducted by a person in full control of their mind (and one can expect that the defense attorney will try to present a defence based on temporary insanity).

Joke: ZARDARI IN THE COURT

At the height of a business corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked Zardari the
witness.

"Isn't it true," bellowed the lawyer , "that you accepted Fifty million Rupees to compromise this case?"

Zardari stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted Fifty million Rupees to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

Zardari still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Zardari , please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled Zardari said, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, I thought he was talking to you."

Joke: HUSBAND'S INFIDELITY

Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce. My husband has been cheating on me.

"That is a serious accusation," the judge said. "Do you have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?"

"Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another woman."

"Who was this other woman?" the judge asked.

"I don't know. I never saw her before."

"Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should have gone in after them."

"I would have," she explained, "but the fellow I was with had already seen the picture."

What police officers in Britain's do inside the royal palace

For those who were earlier shocked at the separation between Princess Diana and Prince Charles, and some of the lurid tales of affairs and other such juicy stuff that was revealed over the years. However, the concept was still that the Palace was a serious place, and that everything over there would be formal, and maybe a bit boring. However, if you read about the antics of some of the police inside the Palace, you would find that things can get pretty interesting inside the palace (link to article):

Police officers responsible for protecting the British royal family handled firearms when drunk, traded pornography and steroids and sat on Queen Elizabeth II's throne in comical poses, it has been alleged in a London court. At one point Cooper "suggested" there had been a procedure among armed officers at the palace whereby one officer on duty would sleep while the others kept watch for their superior.
The court also heard that officers protecting the royals lost more than £250,000 ($365,800) to a spread betting venture called "The Currency Club," one of a number of apparently successful sidelines Page allegedly set up to clear spiraling debts, PA said. Cooper suggested that McGregor had been "one of those police officers" using mobile patrols to deliver cash to other police officers based in Royal Protection who were involved in financial matters.

The image of police and that of the palace has been totally serious in the past, but maybe no longer.

Having sex while driving

When the passion strikes you, there is a strong urge to engage in amorous relations. So, for example, people have been known to initiate sex in varied locations, including different parts of the house, and even in public (there was this couple in Dubai who were prosecuted for having sex on the beach, and had to spend some prison time). However, in some situations, the behavior of people gets downright weird when it comes to sex. Consider the following case:

A SPEEDY lover faces a big fine and the loss of his licence after police caught him having sex with his girlfriend while travelling at 133km/h on a motorway. The 28-year-old man and his 22-year-old girlfriend were caught in the act by Norwegian traffic police on the E18 highway, some 40km west of Oslo, on Easter Sunday.
“It was veering from one side to the other because the woman was sitting on the man's lap while he was driving and doing the act, shall we say,” said Tor Stein Hagen, a superintendent with Soendre Buskerund district police. “He couldn't see much because her back was in the way. Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know.”

This couple was indulging in something that was downright stupid, and will have to suffer because of their actions. Having sex while driving (that too at high speed) is extremely dangerous, not only to themselves, but to others on the road as well.

Speeding Charges

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges.

When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there. So
instead of wasting time waiting around, they decided to try each
other.

Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"

"Guilty," replied Tyler.

"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court," said Katz.

Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places.

"How do you plead?" asked Tyler.

"Guilty," replied Katz.

Tyler reflected for a moment."These reckless driving cases are
becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is
the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two
hundred dollars and ten days in jail!"

Honest lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward; "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

The train accident

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said t o the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the darn lantern was lit!"

Innocent or guilty ?

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked - but your client didn't."

Give money back ?

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to
deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes we have, Your Honor," the foreman responded.

"Please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge read the verdict himself, he delivered the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman. He then instructed the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," announced the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jumped for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and they hugged each other as they shouted expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turned to his client and asked, "So,
what do you think about that?"

The defendant looked around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turned to his defense attorney and said, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"