Funny: How to break your arm

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room.

He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters.

With time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice.

He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing.

If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees... somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.

Her derriere was still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her ski pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift...so, how'd you break your arm?

Joke: taking the train instead of a place

A large two-engine passenger train was crossing the U.S. from New York to Los Angeles. After they had gone about a third of the distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and continued on half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided to inform the passengers the reason the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

"The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for quite some time.

"The good news is that you decided to take the train instead of a plane!"

Identifying Cars

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into
her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number.

"What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.

"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."

At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the
next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they
passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on
her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"

Lawyer and professional courtesy

A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.

Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."

The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights." The lawyer says, "No problem."

He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.

"My God!" says the priest. "It is a miracle!" The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"

The train accident

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said t o the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the darn lantern was lit!"