Funny: Lawyer vs police

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.
...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir . But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description? '
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win. 

Joke: Twist in the end

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP? 

(Did you get it ?)

Joke: Getting a good lawyer

Nathan is talking to his lawyer. "Here's the deal, Abe. If you're absolutely sure I'll win the case, I'll give you the business."

"Okay," replies Abe, "but before I can give you my opinion, I obviously need to know the facts."

So Nathan goes into great detail about his failed partnership and ends up saying, "So now you've heard everything, do you think I can sue my partner and get my money back?"

"Well," replies Abe, "from what I've just heard, it's clear to me that you will win. It's rare to have such an open-and-shut case."

Nathan goes very white when he hears this.

"What's the matter?" asks Abe.

"I told you my partner's side of the case," replies Nathan.

Joke: Who stole the TV

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions:

The Prosecutor: "You witnessed the robbery, sir?"

The Eyewitness: "Yes"

The Prosecutor: "What was stolen?"

The Eyewitness: "Two televisions"

The Prosecutor: "Did you see the thieves?"

The Eyewitness: "Yes"

The Prosecutor: "Could you identify them?"

The Eyewitness: "Yes"

The Prosecutor: "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.

Some quick jokes

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"

______________________________

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."

From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"

______________________________

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will all students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

Humour: Some new year wishes from a lawyer

lease accept with no obligation implied, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion or secular traditions of all.

And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great, (not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "Britain" in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these term: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable provided there is no alteration to the original. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to repair of this wish or issuance of a replacement wish at the sole desecration of the wisher.

Humour: Dispute between a big city lawyer and others

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old
rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which
the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by
the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the
back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him
aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best
selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was
asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on
you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the
fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that
morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little
worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home
this morning."

Joke: Lawyer and his items

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office,
ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along
too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the
Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't
more than 5 minutes before a policeman showed up. Before the cop had a
chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before was now completely
ruined, and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to
make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in
disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most
important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!?

Number of years as per billing

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the Pearly Gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that there is no mistake my son... We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and according to that, you're at least 108 years old!"

Dying Wish

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.

As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

Honest lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward; "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

Sending cigars to the judge

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them."
"What?! You did???"
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

Giving the 3000 dollar inheritance

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "Can I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie" the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else." said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again he man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Georgia."
"Really" she said. "I have family in Georgia."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

How to divide the children ?

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counselor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they
were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want
to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?" "Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen." There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"
That stumped him.
Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer.
"Go back and live together until your fourth child is born.
Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."

Lawyer and professional courtesy

A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.

Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."

The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights." The lawyer says, "No problem."

He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.

"My God!" says the priest. "It is a miracle!" The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"

Innocent or guilty ?

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked - but your client didn't."

COURT TACTICS

COURT TACTICS

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is.

All he says is, "All lawyers are assholes."

A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"

The pissed off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

He replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"

Lawyer died last week

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."

Lawyer Joke

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden. The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"
The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"