Joke: Driving a car

A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

Humor: You Might Be a Bad Driver If...

Your friends would rather walk five miles barefoot on asphalt in 110 degree heat than accept a ride from you.

You go to leave the frat party stone sober and your room-mate still insists on hiding your keys and calling a cab.

People ask you about "the accident", and you say, which one?

You've ever changed a full set of clothes and/or re-done your makeup while on the freeway.

You slow down when coming to green lights... and speed up on yellow.

You hit a tree and your brother tells you your getting rusty because you missed the center of the car by a fraction of an inch.

You take your eyes off the road and both hands off the steering wheel to help your passenger put on their seat belt while driving 65 MPH down the freeway.

You use your knees for steering more than your hands.

You think red lights & stop signs are a suggestion

The police carry separate tickets with your information filled out already.

You get pulled over for drunk driving and you are stone sober.

You think you have a flat when you hear thump, thump It's actually just you clipping the orange and white barrels.

Curb? What curb?

You are the only car in the parking lot and you STILL hit a light pole. 

Weird news: Man charged with unlicensed driving car twice, hits police

When people are charged with a driving offence, they normally obey all the rules and laws, and desist from whatever activity for which they are were charged, since they do not want to suffer further problems (further driving problems could mean points on the license, or problems in getting insurance, and so on). However, once in a while there will be a person who will not care too much about the offence, and is even willing to take offensive action if charged with something (link to article):

A north Queensland man who was allegedly caught driving unlicensed twice in one day and became irate and has been charged with assaulting police. The 19-year-old was given a notice to appear in court for unlicensed driving about 10am (AEST) on Monday, and about 30 minutes later, the same officer saw him allegedly driving the same car, police said.
The officer was questioning the man when he allegedly became aggressive and punched his car's window, smashing it. He then allegedly kicked the side mirror of the police car and punched the police officer. While struggling with the man the officer was allegedly assaulted by a 15-year-old male youth who was in the man's car.

Joke: Old lady driving

Two elderly ladies were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be loosing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and another red light, and again they went right through.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost positive the light had been red. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, no mistake, and they went right through.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have got us killed!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving...?"

What not to do while driving

When driving, what are some of the key things that people are advised ? You should be sober, capable of driving, and not getting diverted. So this means no driving while under the influence of alcohol, no talking on the phone, and certainly no involvement in sexual activities. People found involved in any of these activities are liable to face action, and maybe even jailed (and these also have an impact on their driving record). So what do you about a person who does more than one of these at the same time (link to article):

A Seattle man was arrested for drinking under the influence of alcohol and having sex while driving last weekend, the Washington State Patrol reported. The incident happened when a state trooper noticed a sport utility vehicle drifting between lanes and driving at unusual speeds, sometimes speeding up then slowing down to well below the speed limit on Interstate 90, near Bellevue’s Bellevue Way, about 1:20 a.m. Friday.
State trooper Jeff Merrill, who wrote the news release, said in an interview Wednesday that „embracing while driving“ is a misdemeanor. In this case, the woman said she was performing oral sex on the driver while he was driving.

This guy was under the influence of alcohol, and was having oral sex performed on him, and was driving at the same time. Not only is he a risk to himself and other occupants of the car, but a serious risk to other people on the road; no way should such a person be allowed to continue driving.

Having sex while driving

When the passion strikes you, there is a strong urge to engage in amorous relations. So, for example, people have been known to initiate sex in varied locations, including different parts of the house, and even in public (there was this couple in Dubai who were prosecuted for having sex on the beach, and had to spend some prison time). However, in some situations, the behavior of people gets downright weird when it comes to sex. Consider the following case:

A SPEEDY lover faces a big fine and the loss of his licence after police caught him having sex with his girlfriend while travelling at 133km/h on a motorway. The 28-year-old man and his 22-year-old girlfriend were caught in the act by Norwegian traffic police on the E18 highway, some 40km west of Oslo, on Easter Sunday.
“It was veering from one side to the other because the woman was sitting on the man's lap while he was driving and doing the act, shall we say,” said Tor Stein Hagen, a superintendent with Soendre Buskerund district police. “He couldn't see much because her back was in the way. Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know.”

This couple was indulging in something that was downright stupid, and will have to suffer because of their actions. Having sex while driving (that too at high speed) is extremely dangerous, not only to themselves, but to others on the road as well.

Drunk, but driving

UNCONSCIOUS

Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely pissed mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender.

"What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap.

"No more for him - he's driving," the patron answered.

Golf tees and driving

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything.

The Bob Campaign

Drunk driving is a public menace, and very dangerous indeed.

The Bob campaign aims to raise awareness of the dangers of driving while intoxicated; drivers with high blood alcohol content are at increased risk of car accidents, highway injuries and vehicular deaths. Alongside the general information that is offered during the campaign, there is an increased police surveillance, especially during the weeks running up to Christmas and New Year's Eve. But most of all, the campaign focuses on a designated driver approach.

The Bob campaign originated in Belgium, in 1995, and the concept has been picked up in The Netherlands, and also Luxemburg, France and Greece will follow, with every country adapting the formula to their audience.

Read more at Wikipedia.

Ackerman Steering and Racing Oval Tracks

This link has information on the Ackerman Steering geometry; something that is useful information for racers to know. Conventional Ackerman Steering was developed around 1800 AD. Yes, 1800, not 1900. The Ackerman concept is to have all four wheels rolling around a common point during a turn.
Most short tracks (oval tracks) have a corner radius of 150'+/-. For a race car that has a 108" wheel base and 60" width, the inside tire would need to turn 3.4 degrees and the outside tire would need to turn 3.3 degrees to have Ackerman Steering. In other words, the inside tire needs to turn 1/10th of a degree more than the outside tire in order to fulfill the Ackerman requirement for this car and corner.