Joke: Getting some good leads

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!!"

Joke: I Can't Hear You!

At one local church, Bill was in charge of taking up the offerings.  One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated, so he questioned Bill.   He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.  Bill said that he did not take any of the offering.

 

The priest then said, "Get in the confessional," which Bill did.  Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering."

 

Bill responded, "I can't hear you."

 

Again the priest asked, "Bill, did you take any of the offering?"

 

Again Bill answered, "I can't hear you."

 

This time the priest yelled, "BILL, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

 

Again Bill answered, "I can't hear you."

 

By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Bill, trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

 

So they traded places and Bill asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true?"

 

To which the priest answered, "By golly you can't hear in here!" 

Some quick jokes

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"

______________________________

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."

From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"

______________________________

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will all students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

Joke: Priest and the genie

This guy was out playing his weekly round of golf
when he hit a shot into the trap off the 11th
green. So he pulls out his sand wedge and takes a
swing at the ball only to hit something metallic
underneath. Being curious, he digs away the sand
only to find what looks like Aladin's Lamp. It's
kind of dirty, so he takes out his golf towel to
clean it off. All of a sudden... POOF! ... a
genie apears from the lamp and says,

"Sir, you have freed me from the lamp! For this I will grant you 3 wishes!"

The man thinks for a moment and says, "You
know, I have everything I could possibly want.
Give the wishes to someone else." He quickly
putts out and leaves for the 12th tee.

The genie is flabergasted. "To think that
someone in this world could feel so fulfilled
that he could pass up not just 1 but 3 wishes! I
know what I'll do. To reward him, I'll grant him
3 things without him knowing. Now lets see. What
does every man want? Money! He will have all the
money he can use. Power! Every man wants that.
And what else? ... Sex! All that he wants."

A couple of weeks later the man is coming
toward the 11th green and there is the genie - sunning himself in the trap.

Genie: (feeling smug) "Hey. How's it going?"

Man: "Couldn't be better. Last week I raised
over £1,000,000 and gave the most spellbinding
and effective talk of my life. It looks like I'm
gaining more influence among my peers and superiors. Things are great."

Genie: "If you don't mind me asking, how's your sex life?"

Man: "It's great. I've had two women in the last two weeks."

Genie: (looking puzzled) "TWO women? That's not very good!"

Man: "It is if you're a priest in a small parish!"

Joke: Contribute to the Church

When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS
was on the line. "Hello, is this the minister?"

"Yes, this is."

"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do
you recognize the name?"

"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"

"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable
tax deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?"

"Well, I'll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How
much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"

"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik. "Can you tell me if
that amount is true?"

There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied the minister, "call
back tomorrow -- I'm sure it will be."

Joke: PRAYERS

In a small town, a person decided to open up a brothel, which was right opposite to a church. The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the brothel from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the brothel and it was burnt to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the brothel owner sued the church authorities on the grounds that the church through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his brothel, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for the act of God.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

'I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a brothel owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church that doesn't.'

Humour: Confession

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."

The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."

"Well, now, that's a little more serious."

"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."

"Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"

YA'LL KNOW YOURS IS A REDNECK CHURCH IF....

1. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." and five guys stand up.

4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

8. Baptism is referred to as "branding."

9. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

10. The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

11. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

The pastor's son

The Pastor's Son

Every Sunday afternoon, after the morning service at their church, the pastor and his eleven year-old son would go out into their town and hand out Gospel Tracts.
This particular Sunday afternoon, as it came time for the pastor and his son to go to the streets with their tracts, it was very cold outside as well as pouring down rain. The boy bundled up in his warmest and driest clothes and said, "Okay, Dad; I'm ready."
His pastor dad asked, "Ready for what?"
"Dad, it's time we gather our tracts together and go out."
Dad responded, "Son, it's very cold outside and it's pouring down rain."
The boy gave his dad a surprised look asking, "But, Dad, aren't people still going to Hell even though it's raining?" Dad answered, "Son, I am not going out in this weather."
Despondently, the boy asked, "Dad, can I go? Please?"
His father hesitated for a moment then said, "Son, you can go. Here are the tracts, but be careful." "Thanks, Dad!" And with that, he was off and out into the rain. This eleven year-old boy walked the streets of the town going door to door and handing everybody he met in the street a Gospel Tract.
After two hours of walking in the rain, he was soaking, bone-chilled wet and down to his very last tract. He stopped on a corner and looked for someone to hand his last tract to, but the streets were totally deserted.
Then he turned toward the first home he saw and started up the sidewalk to the front door and rang the doorbell. He rang it again and again, but still no one answered. He continued to wait for a while - still no answer.
Finally, this eleven year-old trooper turned to leave, but something stopped him. Again, he turned to the door and rang the bell and knocked loudly on the door with his fist. He waited - something was holding him there on the front porch. He rang again and this time the door slowly opened.
Standing in the doorway was a very sad-looking elderly lady. She softly asked, "What can I do for you, son?" With radiant eyes and a smile that lit up her world, this little boy said, "Ma'am, I'm sorry if I disturbed you, but I just want to tell you that Jesus really does love you, and I came to give you my very last Gospel Tract which will tell you all about Jesus and His great love."
With that, he handed her his last tract and turned to leave. She called to him as he departed. "Thank you, son! And God bless you!" Well, the following Sunday morning in church, Pastor Dad was in the pulpit. As the service began, he asked, "Does anybody have a testimony or want to say anything?"
Slowly, in the back row of the church, an elderly lady stood to her feet. As she began to speak, a look of glorious radiance came from her face as she said, "No one in this church knows me. I've never been here before. You see, before last Sunday, I was not a Christian. My husband passed on some time ago, leaving me totally alone in this world. Last Sunday, being a particularly cold and rainy day, it was even more so in my heart that I came to the end of the line where I no longer had any hope or will to live. So I took a rope and a chair and ascended the stairway into the attic of my home. I fastened the rope securely to a rafter in the roof, then I stood on the chair, lonely and brokenhearted. I was about to leap off, when suddenly the loud ringing of my doorbell downstairs startled me.
"I thought, 'I'll wait a minute and whoever it is will go away.' I waited and waited, but the ringing doorbell seemed to get louder and more insistent. And the the person ringing also started knocking loudly! I thought to myself again, 'Who on earth could this be? Nobody ever rings my bell or comes to see me.' I loosened the rope from my neck and started for the front door, all the while the bell rang louder and louder.
"When I opened the door and looked, I could hardly believe my eyes, for there on my front porch was the most radiant and angelic little boy I had ever seen in my life! His smile, oh, I could never describe it to you! And the words that came from his mouth caused my heart, that had long been dead, to leap to life as he exclaimed with a cherub-like voice, 'Ma'am, I just came to tell you that Jesus really does love you.' Then he gave me this Gospel Tract that I now hold in my hand. As the little angel disappeared back out into the cold and rain, I closed my door and read every word in this tract. Then I went up to my attic to get my rope and chair; I wouldn't be needing them anymore.
"You see, I am now a happy child of God and since the address of your church was on the back of this tract, I have come here to personally say, 'Thank you,' to the little angel who came just in the nick of time and by doing so, spared my soul from an eternity in Hell."
There wasn't a dry eye in the church, and as shouts of praise and honor to the King resounded off the very rafters of the building. Pastor Dad descended from the pulpit to the front pew where the little angel was seated. He took his son in his arms and sobbed uncontrollably.
Probably no church has had a more glorious moment and probably this universe has never seen a father that was more filled with love and honor for his son - except for One. This Father also allowed His Son to go out into a cold and dark world.

Ol' Mrs. Murphy

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong.

As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. The man thought it would be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind.

In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."

The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"

Increasing confessions

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first." The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I
supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.

"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that! I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!

Sermon helped find hat

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited
until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister. "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost.
But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"
The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

NEW POPE AND RABBI

Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well there's one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience.

He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."

The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret." The Chief Rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.

It was the bill for the Last Supper.

The proud father stand up

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.

During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew. Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he still didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."

The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious, huh?"

"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."

Winning the drinking toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said,

"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice!

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Confession and penance

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her, and began asking her about her work.

She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings, and back flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.

They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes and one said to the other, "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me knickers on!"

Wrong choices always

Poor Johnson had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose; if he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors; the line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved; the lane he chose in traffic crawled; the day he picked for the picnic was the day of a cloudburst. And so it went, day after day, year after year.

Then, once, it became necessary for Johnson to travel to some city a thousand miles away and do it quickly. A plane was the only possible conveyance that would get him there in time, and it turned out that only one company supplied only one flight that would do. His heart bounded. There was no choice to make! And if he made no choice, surely he could come to no grief.

He took the plane.

Imagine his horror when, midway in the flight, the plane's engines caught fire and it became obvious the plane would crash in moments.

Johnson broke into fervent prayer to his favorite saint, Saint Francis. He pleaded, "I have never in my life made the right choice. Why this should be, I don't know, but I have borne my cross and have not complained. On this occasion, however, I did not make a choice; this was the only plane I could take and I had to take it. Why, then, am I being punished?"

He had no sooner finished when a giant hand swooped down out of the clouds and somehow snatched him from the plane. There he was, miraculously suspended two miles above the earth's surface, while the plane spiraled downward far below.

A heavenly voice came down from the clouds. "My son, I can save you, if you have in truth called upon me."

"Yes, I called on you," cried Johnson. "I called on you, Saint Francis!"

"Ah," said the heavenly voice, "Saint Francis Xavier or Saint Francis of Assisi ? Which?"

Recognize faces ?

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of women from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Wedding Vows - Joke

Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows a little. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever', I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor handed back the $100 bill and whispered, "She made me a much better offer."

Telling everybody

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."