Funny: Priest, Rabbi and preacher

A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all  served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop".

One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard.

A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a seven-day experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first.

"Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip.

In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me.
So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN
another untill we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed.

He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."

Humor: The Pope vs. a rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

Funny: Some jokes

A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork.

So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.

He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu.

As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.

He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!

Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.

The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"

-------------------------------

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City.

He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker.

He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"

The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"

The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"

The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"

The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me'?"


-------------------------

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered,"Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No.

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle: "Me."

Humour: A conversation between a catholic priest and a rabbi

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.

"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop... maybe within the next couple of years."

"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"

"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop... given luck and God's blessing."

"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"

"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."

"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"

The priest smiles, "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope... but I'm hardly likely to become... hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."

"Splendid! I would take personal pride in your becoming the Pope. And after Pope what?"

The priest looks at him in surprise, "After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just God above the Pope... I can't become God."

"So why not, the Rabbi said, "one of our boys made it."

Joke: The argument between the rabbis and god's intervention

It seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the
fourth.

One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1,
majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right
and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to
them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as soon as the rabbi
finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky
above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from
God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm
clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again "Oh, God,
I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are
wrong!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each
other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed
into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends
insisted that nothing had happened that could not be
explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to
ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...,"
the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep,
booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other
three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

Joke: Rabbi and priest

A rabbi and a priest met at the town picnic and began their usual 'kibitzing'.

"This baked ham is just delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really should try some. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful thing should be forbidden. You just don't know what you're missing. You haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Kennedy's baked ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try a little ham?"

The rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding."

The gifted dog

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member
of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog.

The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and
went to talk to Bernie.

Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"

Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."

"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.

"YES!" says Bernie.

Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not
a proper thing to do in temple."

Bernie: "Its true!"..

"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then
show me what the dog can do."

"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on
his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in
Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the
quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog
would consider going to Rabbinical school??"

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He
wants to be a doctor!"