Humor: Twist in an old fairy tale

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

And some more remarks happened ....

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

Humor: Too much of political correctness right now ..

A Politically Correct School

* No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

* You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

* Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

* These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

* Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

* Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

*Your homework isn't missing, it’s just having an "out-of notebook experience."

* You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

* You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time. "

* You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

* You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

* No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

* You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

* You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

* You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

* You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

* It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

* The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

Politically correct sayings when applied to children and school

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage restrictive."

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information. "

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness. "

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor retentive athletic footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations. "

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on satellite, no video tape movies, no DVD's surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents .

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and found the worms didn't live in us forever

We were given air guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it could happen, we didn't poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! All school games had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

If we were bad we got spanked and learned right from wrong and no 'do gooders' interfered.

These generations produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them..CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot at your age

New nursery rhymes

Politically Correct Nursery Rhymes

Due to the recent Presidential testimony in private litigation, the President has enacted the "Clarity, Equalization and Anti-Discrimination Act of 1999."

Henceforth, the following nursery rhyme:

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown; and Jill soon came tumbling after.

New Version.

Two young persons of opposite genders, proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance. The purpose of their expedition was to procure a sample
of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was anonymously omitted from the record. As the male person precipitously descended, he consequently sustained severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomy. A similar fate befell the female, who immediately after the male person, performed a self-rotational translation, oriented in the same direction, having been traversed by the young man.


Jack Sprat Could Eat No Fat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean; And so, between them both, you see, they licked the platter clean.

New Version.

Complications arose during a non-congressional investigation of dietary influence. One person of the male gender was unable to assimilate adipose tissue, and another person, of the female gender, was unable to consume tissue, consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. A reciprocal arrangement between the two, who also happened to be a
party of a domesticated alliance, allowed for the total consumption of the viands under consideration, which was ultimately achieved, thus, leaving the original container of the viands, devoid of any contents.


Little Jack Horner

Little Jack Horner, sat in a corner, eating a Christmas pie. He stuck in his thumb, and pulled out a plum, and said, "What a good boy am I!"

New Version.

A young person of the male persuasion was situated near the intersection of two supporting elements at right angles to each other. Said person was involved in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual celebration of an annual religious event. Insertion into the saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed by removal of a drop of
genus Prunus. Immediately thereafter, this person made a declarative statement,
regarding the high quality of his character as a young male.


Mary Had A Little Lamb

Mary had a little lamb. Its fleece was white as snow. Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.

New Version.

A young person of the female gender was the possessor of a small immature ruminant of the species genus Ovis, whose outermost covering reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity, equal to that of a mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational path, chosen by the aforesaid young person, there was a 100% probability that the aforementioned
ruminant would select the same pathway.


Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, and pretty maids all in a row.

New Version.

A person of the female gender, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land, used for the production of various types of flora. The tract components were enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceanic growth, and
pulchritudinous young females, situated in a linear orientation.


Old Mother Hubbard

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, so the poor dog had none.

New Version.

A geriatric person of female gender proceeded to a storage compartment for the purpose of procuring a fragment of osseous tissue from an unidentified deceased specimen, to transfer to an indigent carnivorous domesticated mammal, Canis familiaris, of the family Canidae. Upon arrival at her destination, she found the storage compartment in denuded condition, with the consequence that the
indigent carnivore was deprived of the intended donation.


Three Blind Mice

Three blind mice. See how they run. They all ran after a farmer's wife, who cut off their tails with a carving knife. Did you ever see such a sight in your
life, as three blind mice?

New Version.

A triumvirate of murine rodents, totally devoid of ophthalmic acuity, was observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's uxorial adjunct. The aforesaid adjunct then performed a triple caudectomy, utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument, generally used for subdivision of edible tissue.

Joke

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."