Jokes

1. It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old RICH man married a
20-year-old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying,

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.

The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year.

The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then replied, "Well, you had better change the oil.

This one's black!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.



2. Doug and Bill went out drinking one night and didn't get home till the wee hours.

They see each other the next day at work and Bill asks, "Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"

Doug replies, "No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."



3. ONE LINERS

* Medical ethics experts are still struggling with the question as to whether or not it's fitting for young male gynecologists to keep looking up old girlfriends.

* There is nothing so annoying as arguing with somebody who knows what he is talking about!

* There are many things in ure life that will catch ure eye but only a few will catch ure
heart....pursue those

* I think you'll find a big difference between people who pray in church and those people who pray in casinos...because the ones praying in the casinos are very serious.

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal.

* When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes.

* I'm in serious trouble. I got caught urinating in the shower this morning. It seems they frown on that at Home Depot.

* True love is the willingness to compromise. He agrees to cut back on red meat. She agrees that beer is a vegetable!

* On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

* Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
* Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

* The gym requires "loose-fitting clothes." If I had loose fitting clothes, I wouldn't be going to the gym.
* There's a new invention on the market, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

* What an automated society we live in: Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?

* Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said: "Quit while
you're ahead?"

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal.

* Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

* The Roman Catholic Church is coming out with a new low-Fat Communion wafer. It is called: "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus!"

* We know a fellow who upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea.

* Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

* The man who gives in when he is wrong ... is wise; the man who gives in when he is right ... is married.

* Jesus loves you ... but I'm his favorite.

* What one generation sees as a luxury, the next sees as a necessity.

* Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.

* Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

* The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

* Did You Know that a blowjob is the only job in the world that cannot be included in your
resume despite years of experience and a number of references?

* Ever notice every time they bring out a new product they call it IMPROVED. Kinda makes you wonder what they were passing off on you before.

* Marriage is a mutual relationship only if both parties know how/when to be mute.

* There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

* All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one.

* Every cigarette you smoke reduces your life by 5 minutes, sex increases life by 10 minutes.

So the basic theme of the equation is a fucking smoker never dies.

* Sex-for men-is just like banking. First you make a deposit, then you make a withdrawal, and then you lose interest.

* Blind dates are like chocolate - they are usually chunky and they quickly disappear.

* An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

* A fish is an underwater creature that grows fastest between the time it is caught and the time the fisherman describes it to his friends.

* "It's an age-old truism. Men will quickly fall asleep after having sex. And I know why, too.
It's because they've been up half the night begging for it."

* You know the romance is over when you come to bed, ready to make love to your wife, and she is on the phone, and she tells whoever she is talking to that she will call them back in two minutes...

* Many of those who rely on body language need to improve their vocabularies.

* Women have many faults; Men only have 2. Everything they say, and everything they do.

* Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

* Jealousy is wanting what others have. Stupidity is thinking I might one day get it.

* Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

* Black holes are where God divided by zero.

* Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come."

* The gym requires "loose-fitting clothes." If I had loose-fitting clothes, I wouldn't be going to the gym.

* Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

* Even on the most exalted throne you are still sitting on nothing but your ass.

* Ever notice that every time congress hammers out a new budget, its the tazpayers who get nailed?

* Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses

* Whoever thought that one-day the only place in town to get gas at a decent price would be Taco Bell?

* Take a look at your tax bills and you'll quit calling them "cheap politicians."

* Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher...and, since it's in English, thank a soldier!!"

* Did you hear about the new computer Apple has developed, small enough to be carried in a fanny pack? It will be called the Macintush.

* Wise men speak because they have something to say. Fools speak because they have to say something.

* I'm in serious trouble. I got caught urinating in the shower this morning. It seems they frown on that at Home Depot.

* Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.

* The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and women lay better.

* The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit.

* Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
It kept falling out!

* Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness.

They should have given us a few clues as to where to look.

* Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft ... Today, it's called golf.

* My wife and I divorced over religious differences - She thought she was God and I didnt.

* Two ancient occupants of a geriatric nursing home were discussing the merits of this "newfangled" support pantyhose."Well, I don't like them," said the first old dear, "because every time I fart, I blow my slippers off ... !"

* "Don't worry if your job is small, and your rewards are few. Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you!"

* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

* Bumper sticker seen on the back of a car......
"I wish my wife was this dirty!"

* Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes...... However, having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes ...... So smokers ... Screw for your lives!

* A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes." The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."

* What's the similarity between a man and an uppercase Q?
They're both big fat zeroes with little dicks hanging off them.

* One question to ask please. . .
If Russia was to attack Turkey from the rear- would Greece help?

* Archaeologists have finally come up with an explanation as to why man eventually began walking upright. to free up their hands for masturbation.

* What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common
They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!

* There are only two kinds of drivers: Idiots and Maniacs. Idiots include anyone that drives slower than me, and the Maniacs are everyone that drives faster than me.

* Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

* A fish is an underwater creature that grows fastest between the time it is caught and the time the fisherman describes it to his friends.

* One half of all the troubles in the world can be traced to saying, "YES" too quickly and not saying, "NO" soon enough.

* Many of those who rely on body language need to improve their vocabularies.

* I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

* When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

* Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

* Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen aSleep yet.

* My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

* Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

* If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

* Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

* Growing up is Optional !! Growing old is Mandatory!!!

* An open marriage is nature's way of telling you, you need a divorce.

* Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* Life is sexually transmitted.

* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

* Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

* I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

* You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

* I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

* I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

* I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

* I was thinking, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

* Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

* Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

* A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."

* I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

* I'll drive you crazy, but you're paying for gas.

* Always get the last word in: Apologize.

* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

* It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.

* I have excellent sleeping habits. When the sun rises, I don't.

* Vitamins are good for what ails you; VIAGRA is good for what FAILS you!!

* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

* If airline travel is so safe, how come the flight attendants sit right next to the emergency exits?

* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

* Don't criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you.

* Bosses are like legs. When they get to the top, they become asses.

* Show me a Jewish boy who didn't become a doctor and I'll show you a lawyer.

* Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

* It's okay to tell your wife she gives good blowjobs but it's NOT okay to tell her that her sister does better!

* Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

* A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.

* Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

* Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

* If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings.

* It's okay to tell your wife she gives good blowjobs but it's NOT okay to tell her that her sister does better!

* The highways will be safer now that the price of gasoline is so high. Nobody can afford to drink AND drive.

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

* The Irish SAS have surrounded a department store in Dublin...Apparently Bed Linen is on the second floor...

* A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint. The crew are believed to be marooned.

* The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

* If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings.

* Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

* America: A country where half the money is spent buying food and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.

* A font walks into a bar, and the barman says "we don't serve your type in here"

* Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all it's students!

* If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking.

* Never stand between a dog and the tree he was smelling.

* A blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your balls.

* They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be darned if I am going to roll 12 shopping carts out of the grocery store!

* Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

* Talk is Cheap - until you hire a lawyer.

* If you have to get some money, borrow from a pessimist. He doesn't expect to get it back!

* A pessimist is a man who gets a clean bill of health from his doctor, then goes to get a second opinion!

* A pessimist is somebody who's afraid that somewhere, somehow, someone's having a good time!

* A good thing to exercise when you’re putting on weight is restraint.

* Just when you start winning the rat race, you run into faster rats!

* Running out of sausage is a busy pizza maker’s wurst nightmare.

* A pessimist has the feeling he isn't going anywhere and he's already arrived!

* Arrogance is the humility of the uncertain!

* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off.

* He arrived late at the party to find he was beaten to the punch.

* It's always good when the TV weatherman is pessimistic about the weather. People feel so good when he's wrong!

* Life may not be all you want, but it's all you have.

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

* Excuses are like asses . . . everyone's got em and they all stink.

* Vitamins are good for what ails you; VIAGRA is good for what FAILS you!!

* There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shit-head's.

* A true friend stabs you in the front.

* The difference between a divorce and a circumcision is... in a divorce you get rid of the whole schmuck.

* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

* The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

* Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes.

* It's one of life's mysteries - how a 2 lb box of chocoates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs.

* Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

* When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping..." Now I just "chunky dunk."

* Despite the name, K-Y Jelly doesn't go that well with peanut butter.

* If you masturbate with both hands, is that considered a ménage a trois?

* Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends on the kind of chick he marries.