Joke

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of: What NOT To Put on a Resume.

=> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

=> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

=> "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability
to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

=> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in
accounting."

=> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

=> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

=> "I am a rabid typist."

=> "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for
business."

=> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

=> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and
absolutely no one."

=> "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

=> "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were
unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

=> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

=> "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

=> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to
my resume on my office voice-mail."

=> "Qualifications: No education or experience."

=> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

=> Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"