Joke: How to tell who gate crashed the party

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.
Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.

The He smiled and said

-

-

-

"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party"

GOTCHA in Golf

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.

"But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it up a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas.'"

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well, "said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling "Gotcha!"

"Ouch!" said the guy "I can see why you lost that hole but how come you lost the game?"

"Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second *gotcha*?"

Shrewd quotes

[1] If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

[2] Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

[3] Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

[4] Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

[5] If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

[6] My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

[7] Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

[8] It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

[9]. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

[10] If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

[11] Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

[12] A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

[13] Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

[14] Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

[15] No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

[16] A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

[17] Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

[18] Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

[19] Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

[20] There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

[21] Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

[22] By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

[23] Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

[24] Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

[25] Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be
amused.

Get me another leopard

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dachshund dog along for company.

One day, the Dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the Dachshund discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The Dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That Dachshund! Nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the Dachshund sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the Dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear,
the Dachshund says........ ......... .....
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Art collector and cat

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."