Give money back ?

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to
deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes we have, Your Honor," the foreman responded.

"Please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge read the verdict himself, he delivered the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman. He then instructed the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," announced the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jumped for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and they hugged each other as they shouted expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turned to his client and asked, "So,
what do you think about that?"

The defendant looked around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turned to his defense attorney and said, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

Top 25 Success Quotations

Consider what it takes to become an undeniable success with these sincere quotations that identify the fundamental factors necessary to triumph...

" Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other thing."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"God gave us two ends. One to sit on and one to think with. Success depends on which one you use; head you win -- tails, you lose."
-- Anonymous

"The ladder of success is best climbed by stepping on the rungs of opportunity."
-- Ayn Rand

"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get."
-- B. R. Hayden

"Success is a journey, not a destination."
-- Ben Sweetland


"The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes."
-- Benjamin Disraeli

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
-- Bill Cosby

"The secret of success is to be in harmony with existence, to be always calm? to let each wave of life wash us a little farther up the shore."
-- Cyril Connolly

"All of us are born for a reason, but all of us don't discover why. Success in life has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It's what you do for others."
-- Danny Thomas

"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."
-- Erma Bombeck

"Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must first set yourself on fire."
-- Fred Shero

"Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time."
-- George Bernard Shaw

"A strong, positive self-image is the best possible preparation for success."
-- Joyce Brothers

"Failure is success if we learn from it."
-- Malcolm S. Forbes

"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
-- Mark Caine

"True success is overcoming the fear of being unsuccessful."
-- Paul Sweeney

"Get up one time more than you're knocked down."
-- Peter's Principle of Success

"Most people who succeed in the face of seemingly impossible conditions are people who simply don't know how to quit."
-- Robert Schuller

"The truth is that all of us attain the greatest success and happiness possible in this life whenever we use our native capacities to their greatest extent."
-- Smiley Blanton

"When your physical environment is in alignment with your aspiration, success becomes the norm."
-- Susan St Lawrence

"The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people."
-- Theodore Roosevelt

"The way to succeed is to double your error rate."
-- Thomas Watson

"Dictionary is the only place that success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. I think you can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price."
-- Vince Lombardi

"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm."
-- Winston Churchill

"Success is the maximum utilization of the ability that you have."
-- Zig Ziglar

Too many cows

Economic Models explained with Cows - Updated

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you
with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL

You have two cows.

You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive

POPE DIES

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'.

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."

Funny One Liners...

1. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

2. I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

3. If I save time, when do I get it back?

4. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

5. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

6. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

7. The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

8. As I said before, I never repeat myself.

9. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

10. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.. there's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work.

11. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left! .

14. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.

15. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected ?

How To Maintain A High Level Of Insanity

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e mail address is: god@hotmail.com

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

6) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

8) In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR THEM THAT IS."

9) Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

10) don't use any punctuation

11) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

12) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

13) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

14) Sing along at the opera.

15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

16) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds.......all day.

17) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

18) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

19) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I won! 3rd time this week!!!"

20) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

21) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".

22) Blow bubbles out the window of your car on the interstate. Watch people swerve to avoid running into them.

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....

22) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

The eighty year old rancher

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November." Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker
tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant." The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."