Humour: Truths For Mature Humans - And this is so right

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my last dollar everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Adult Joke: Inserting a suppository without hands

A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?" Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there...and it HURT!!!"

"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository - I don't mind."

Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand, quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a bloodcurdling scream.

"My God!" says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"

"No!" cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!"

Complete Answers: Classic Exercises On Lateral Thinking - These can make you think a lot

1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why?

This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying.

2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How can this be?

3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, coat, gloves and ski mask. He is walking down a back street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?

4. One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How?

5.. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones? This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.

6. A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

7. A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did he know?

8. A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

9. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out. This puzzle claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.

10. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

11. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

12. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

13. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

14. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? (or day names in any other language)

15. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

Solutions

1. The man is very, very short and can only reach halfway up the elevator buttons. However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and can press the higher buttons with it.

2. The surgeon was his mother.

3. It was day time.

4. At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was traveling by ship. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The ship then crossed a time zone and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. Therefore, the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.

5. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

6. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.

7. He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. Because they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical cords and therefore they never had navels. This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes spark fierce theological arguments. (Just what a HUMOR list needs!!) ;

8. They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets, etc.). This puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available?

9.. The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups--so the man no longer needed the water. The is a simple puzzle to state but a difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and incongruous situation having a simple and complete explanation. Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages.

10. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

11. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

12. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

13. The answer is Charcoal.

14.. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

15. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph...

Alternate Solutions

4. Because one of them did not necessarily celebrate their birthday on the day they were born, but celebrated later or earlier. Much simpler than having Mom giving birth while crossing the International Date Line and tossing in a Leap Year and the like. Needlessly complicated.

6. Because he was the one who put the poison in the punch. Of course he wouldn't drink any *after* he poisoned it. Who goes to the effort of making poison ice cubes, except Bond villains and those bad guys in the "Encyclopedia Brown" mystery stories we read in elementary school?

8. Because they were adopted. It's a coincidence they were born on the same exact day. OK, so Occam's Razor could be applied equally to both solutions...

Humour: THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3.There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.

4.Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5.Always drink upstream from the herd.

6.If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8.There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves.

9.Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10.If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11.Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12.AND FINALLY--After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Joke: The last gambit of a lawyer to protect his client

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you
all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

Adult Joke: How to decide whether to golf left-handed or right-handed

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 am on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group? They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they would see what they thought. They all agreed, and she said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up setting a course record under par. The guys went nuts, and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week, and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her under score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right and left-handed for the day?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the cover sheet off my husband who sleeps in the nude. If his "you-know-what if is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointing to the left, I golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

Joke: How do people behave when it comes to interviews ..

A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000
companies provided the following unbelievable but true examples of
job applicant behavior.

"The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question
became apparent when he began to snore."

"When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the
organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she was proud
of her ability to pack her suitcase 'real neat' for her vacations."

"Why did (the applicant) go to college?" His reply: "To party and socialize."

"When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview,
he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket."

"I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school
graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour-'and not a nickel less.'"

"(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my
office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him not to eat it until later."

"(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had
no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her grade
point average. It was 2.1."

"(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid of hard
work. But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn't like
jazz, modern art, or seafood."

"She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a
bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind."

"He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to
put his foot up on my desk."

"The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his
friends wore my company's clothing whenever they could. I had to tell
him that we manufactured office products, not sportswear."

"(The applicant) applied for a customer service position, although,
as he confided, he really wasn't a people person."

"Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then tossed
the match onto my carpet-and couldn't understand why I was upset."

"On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a
couple of references. He arrived with the resume-and two people