Joke; Adam and his rib

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden , moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will this 'woman' cost?"

God replied, "That will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Joke - The young boy and Christ

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco . The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take Him?"

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.

Corporate joke - how advertising can go wrong

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, " Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Lef

Corporate joke - The definition of people in a company

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
ls more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God

PRESIDENT
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is approved

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Is occasionally addressed by God

VICE PRESIDENT
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury
Swims well
Talks to animals

MANAGER
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Is not issued ammunition
Dog paddles
Talks to walls

SUPERVISOR
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a locomotive two out of three times
Wets himself with a water pistol
Can't stay afloat without a life preserver
Mumbles to himself

SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She is God

Adult Joke - The prisoner and the life sentence

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

Adult Joke - 2 girls out

Two women friends had gone for a *Girls Night Out*, but had been
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them
suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
knickers and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was
wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers
but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on
one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other
husband and said "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife
came home last night without her knickers."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back
with a card stuck between the cheeks of her bum
that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."

Humour: Common points between teenagers and cats

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a
teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common
with cats:

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting
on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right
mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your
teen will ever crack a smile.

No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving, barely breathing.

Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that
ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return
in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom.

Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not
other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a
guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any
sudden moves in their direction.

When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some
affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all
concerned.