Recipe: Lemon Sauce

Lemon Sauce

Pale yellow, with a nice lemony bite. Good over cauliflower, spinach, or broccoli.

1 C chicken broth

1 T butter

2 T cornstarch

¼ C cold water

2 egg yolks, lightly beaten

2-3 T lemon juice

Grated rind of 1 lemon

Heat the chicken broth and butter in a heavy-bottomed pan. In a small dish, blend the cornstarch with the cold water until smooth; slowly stir the mixture into the chicken broth. Cook over low heat for 5 minutes, stirring constantly, until thickened and smooth. Beat 2 T of the thickened broth into the yolks, and then stir the broth-yolk mixture back into the broth. Add the lemon juice and rind and cook 1 minute more. Do not boil. This sauce will keep for a couple of days if it is well covered in the refrigerator. It can be reheated by stirring over low heat.

Bad hair joke

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had
become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto
the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the
woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Recipe: Barbecued Spareribs

Barbecued Spareribs

Serves 4 to 6

Sticky and delicious, and an easy recipe to make. To add a smoky flavor, toss a couple of handfuls of dampened hickory or oak chips on the fire.

Salt

Freshly ground pepper

6 lbs pork spareribs, in 2 slabs

1 Basic Barbecue Sauce

Have a barbecue fire ready for indirect cooking. Generously salt and pepper the ribs on both sides. Place them on the grilling rack, cover the barbecue, and open the vents halfway. Cook for 50 minutes, turning once. Brush the tops of the ribs with sauce and cook, covered, for 10 minutes more. Turn them over, brush with more sauce, then cover and cook for a final 10 minutes. Cut into single-rib pieces, and serve with the remaining sauce at the table.

Counting number of feet

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them
again." Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of
the bed!"

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them
again." The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh,
you're right, dear!"

6 little pussies

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, Dear," she said. "What's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you," he said simply.

"Not tonight, Dear. I have a headache," answered his wife.

The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. "I'm awfully tired, Honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

"How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"

The husband replied, "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."

The best of puns

1. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

2. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

3. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

4. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

5. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

10. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

11. Every calendar's days are numbered.

12. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

13. When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the
students were de-lighted.

14. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

15. He wears glasses during math because it improves divison.

16. She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.

17. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

18. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

19. It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

20. It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

21. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

22. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

23. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

24. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

25. Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.

26. There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.

27. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

28. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large

29. Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.

30. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends

31. Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up
to their ankles.

32. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them
was a-salted.

33. When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.

34. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

35. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

36. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

37. Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.

38. To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.

39. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.

40. In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your
count that votes.

41. Atheism is a non-prophet organization

42. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

43. Old skiers never die -- they just go down hill.

44. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

45. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

46. When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

47. An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in
for a power struggle.

48. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

49. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

50. A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.

51. Nylons give women a run for their money.

52. Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.

53. Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

54. The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

55. If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.

56. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

57. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

58. Old burglars never die they just steal away.

59. A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.

60. Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.

61. Some people don't like food going to waist..

62. A cannibal's favourite game is 'swallow the leader'.

63. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

64. Girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends could
feel out-dated.

65. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to
pay attention.

66. A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

67. A backwards poet writes inverse.

68. If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?

69. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

70. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

71. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

72. When chemists die, we barium.

73. A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at
a time called a four loaf cleaver.

74. When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.

75. Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.

76. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

77. A circus lion won't eat clowns because they taste funny.

78. A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar
tender here?"

79. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.

80. A tattoo artist has designs on his clients.

81. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

82. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

83. When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

84. What you seize is what you get.

85. Gardeners always know the ground rules.

86. Some people's noses and feet are build backwards: their feet
smell and their noses run.

87. Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

88. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

89. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.

90. When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.

91. Looting a drugstore is called Pillaging

92. Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

93. Old programmers never die, they just can't C as well.

94. A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet.

95. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

96. Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

97. A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.

98. A ditch digger was entrenched in his career.

99. A girl and her boyfriend went to a party as a barcode. They were an item.

100. A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

Betting on everything

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye."
The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.

Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye."

Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.

He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop."

The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.

"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!"

Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry."