Joke

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male of female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black, or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

Chased By The Cops

Chased By The Cops

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles per hour when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she sped up.

When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles per hour.

The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and darted into the ladies' room.

Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing there waiting for her.

Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet not one of you thought I was going to make it."

Joke

A priest was preparing a man for his journey into the beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

A Mother's Vocabulary

A Mother's Vocabulary

Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care for dessert.

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Pow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.

Show-Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

Two Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Weekend: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

Sports fixing joke

Three older ladies were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know my son; he graduated first in his class from Stamford . He's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago ."

The second woman says, "You know my son; he graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles ."

The last woman says, "You know my son; he never did too well in school. He never went to any university, but he now makes 1 million dollars a year in New York working as a Sports Repairman."

The other two women ask, "What's a Sports Repairman?"

The woman replies, "He fixes hockey games, football games, baseball games..."

Lawyer Joke

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden. The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"
The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"

A story of family love

My day began on a decidedly sour note when I saw my six-year-old wrestling with a limb of my azalea bush. By the time I got outside, he'd broken it. “Can I take this to school today?” he asked.

With a wave of my hand, I sent him on. I turned my back so he wouldn’t see the tears gathering in my eyes. I loved that azalea bush. I touched the broken limb as if to say silently, "I’m sorry."

I wished I could have said that to my husband earlier, but I’d been angry. The washing machine had leaked on my brand-new linoleum. If he’d just taken the time to fix it the night before instead of playing checkers with Jonathan. "What are his priorities anyway?" I wondered.

I was still mopping up the mess when Jonathan walked into the kitchen. “What’s for breakfast, Mom?” I opened the empty refrigerator. “Not cereal,” I said, watching the sides of his mouth drop. “How about toast and jelly?” I smeared the toast with jelly and set it in front of him. Why was I so angry? I tossed my husband’s dishes into the sudsy water.

It was days like this that made me want to quit. I just wanted to drive up to the mountains, hide in a crevice, and never come out.

Somehow I managed to lug the wet clothes to the laundromat. I spent most of the day washing and drying clothes and thinking how love had disappeared from my life. Staring at the graffiti on the walls, I felt as wrung-out as the clothes left in the washers.

As I finished hanging up the last of my husband’s shirts, I looked at the clock on the wall. It was 2:30 - I was late. Jonathan’s class let out at 2:15. I dumped my clothes in the back seat and hurriedly drove to the school.

I was out of breath by the time I knocked on the teacher’s door. I peered in through the glass. With one finger, she motioned for me to wait. She said something to Jonathan and handed him and two other children crayons and a sheet of paper.

What now? I thought, as she rustled through the door and took me aside. “I want to talk to you about Jonathan,” she said.

I prepared myself for the worst. Nothing would have surprised me. I had had a fight with my husband and we weren’t speaking, my son had broken a limb off my favorite bush, and now this.

“Did you know Jonathan brought flowers to school today?” she asked.

I nodded, trying to keep the hurt in my eyes from showing. I glanced at my son busily coloring a picture. His wavy hair was too long and flopped just beneath his brow. He brushed it away with the back of his hand. His eyes burst with blue as he admired his handiwork.

“Let me tell you about yesterday,” the teacher insisted. “See that little girl?”

I watched the bright-eyed child laugh and point to a colorful picture taped to the wall. I nodded.

“Well, yesterday she was almost hysterical. Her mother and father are going through a nasty divorce. She told me she didn’t want to live, she wished she could die. I watched that little girl bury her face in her hands and say loud enough for the class to hear, ‘Nobody loves me.’ I did all I could to console her, but it only seemed to make matters worse.”

“I thought you wanted to talk to me about Jonathan,” I said.

“I do,” she said, touching the sleeve of my blouse. “Today your son walked straight over to that child. I watched him hand her some pretty pink flowers and whisper, ‘I love you'.”

I felt my heart swell with pride for what my son did. I smiled at the teacher, “Thank you,” I said, reaching for Jonathan’s hand, “you’ve made my day.”

Later that evening, I began pulling weeds from around my lopsided azalea bush. As my mind wandered back to the love Jonathan showed the little girl, a biblical verse came to me: “…now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” My son had put love into practice. But all day I had only thought of how angry I was with my husband.

I heard the familiar squeak of my husband’s truck brakes as he pulled into the drive. I snapped a small limb bristling with hot pink azaleas off the bush. I felt the seed of love that God planted in my family beginning to bloom once again in me.

My husband’s eyes widened in surprise as I handed him the flowers. “I love you,” I said.